


You and I

by District_7_Profanity



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: AU, F/F, High School AU, Joniss - Freeform, Music-Inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:50:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 113,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/District_7_Profanity/pseuds/District_7_Profanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johanna's only love her whole life has been music, until Katniss Everdeen moves into town and completely shakes her world. A story of love and life and music as we follow these girls through high school and beyond. High School AU... Joniss. Jocress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"It's not gonna hit me in the head?"

Primrose Everdeen looked apprehensively up toward the cerulean sky, the color Katniss thought put itself in Prim's eyes when she was a baby. Her cornsilk hair, plaited in two matching (but rather frayed) braids down her back, tied in two neat blue bows fell down her back as her head tilted upward. Her button-down blouse was tucked into her pleated blue skirt, except for the little duck tail that nearly always stuck out in the back.

Katniss smiled fondly down at her sister as she held her large archery bow at her side. Her brown leather jacket was slightly too warm for the August weather, but the overzealous air-conditioning on the ride over had made her unseasonably cold. The gray cotton Beatles t-shirt stuck to her skin beneath the oppressive leather as the sun gleefully pounded on to her back.

"No, little duck. As long as you," she bent down, holding her sister by her arms in place to prevent the squirmy pre-teen from moving any more, "stay put." A tiny, high-pitched noise filled their ears, Katniss's arrow whizzed next to them, implanting itself in the weed-filled crack in the cement. Primrose clapped excitedly, jumping up and down on her ballet flats.

"Katniss Everdeen, quit horsing around and help me move these boxes, please?" Mrs. Everdeen called from the cracked front steps of their new, two-story craftsman home. The girl in question stood up straight, her plaited hair whipping behind her as she looked guiltily toward her mother. Her younger sister pouted her tiny pink lip out while she picked up Katniss's arrow and handed it back to her.

Katniss threw her bow down into the tall grass next to them and picked up one of their oversized cardboard boxes and followed her mother inside their new home. The interior was smaller than their previous home, but Katniss couldn't deny how beautiful the woodwork was that lined each doorway, even if it did make the place seem smaller than it was. Admittedly, now that it was just the three of them, they didn't need much space. She and Primrose now had separate rooms which at sixteen, Katniss was extremely grateful for. Prim was a precocious twelve-year-old and remarkably studious, but their age difference cracked at the edges as they grew older. Twelve and sixteen seemed about as far apart as three and thirty. Whilst Primrose was still content to sit on their swing-set back home, Katniss was beginning to prefer other, more adult activities.

"Get moving, Catnip!" the cheerful male voice called from behind her. Katniss shook herself from her reverie and whirled on the heel of her leather boot, coming face to face with her cousin Gale. They could have been twins, Katniss thought as she stared into his gray eyes that mirrored her own. Their hair had the same ruddy brown hue to it, in stark contrast to her mother and her sister's blonde locks. She ducked into the next room, a tiny front room with no furniture, and set the box down on the hardwood floors.

Moving to Panem had been a hard decision for the Everdeen family. After her father had died three years earlier, her mother's health had begun to fade and her school marks declined rapidly. Wanting a fresh start they moved almost across the country to the town of Panem, where her father's brother had settled his family. Her cousin Gale, her Aunt Hazelle, and Gale's three younger brothers and one younger sister. A new beginning cached with family seemed like the best way to give everyone in the Everdeen family a chance at making a new life.

So here they were, the second house in on Twelfth Street, in the faraway town of Panem. The town's layout had fascinated Katniss when she used to visit as a child during the summer. The main buildings were all situated together in the hub in the center of town, with six streets sticking out like wheel spokes. The streets closer to the center of town were lined with sprawling, columned homes inhabited by the town's elite members. As you went further out the homes became more modest until you came to what used to be Thirteenth Street, right behind where the Everdeens now made their residence. Thirteenth Street had been converted into a railway station a few years back.

"Damn." Her mother's voice startled Katniss from her thoughts. She peered into the kitchen, twisting her body around the doorframe to look inside. Her mother was elbow deep in one of their smaller boxes, noisily rummaging through the contents of their "junk drawer" from back home. The older woman's piercing blue eyes met her daughter's soft gray ones and she sat back on her heels defeatedly. "Of all the damn things to forget, a hammer."

Katniss raised one of her dark eyebrows and took one step into the tiled kitchen. "And you need a hammer right now because...?"

Mrs. Everdeen sighed exasperatedly, running her fingers through the few pieces of blonde hair that had gone rogue from her tight bun. She pushed on her knees to stand up straight and picked up one of their kitchen chairs with one hand. A leg of the chair dangled lamely from its wooden brethren, mocking Mrs. Everdeen's attempts at wrangling it with her other hand.

She placed the chair on the floor and rummaged in the pockets of her jeans. She produced a small, crumpled bundle of bills and pushed her hand out toward her daughter. "Run down to the store in town and grab us a hammer, please? I want to fix this damn chair before I use it for a fire."

Katniss emitted a short laugh, stepping carefully around their haphazard piles of boxes to retrieve the few dollars from her mother's hand. Her mouth quirked in a half-smiled while she took in her mother's frazzled appearance. Frazzled was a much preferable alternative to stoic or sad, which seemed to be the only two emotions her mother could handle after her father's death.

"We don't even have a fireplace." Katniss grumbled that last thought as she just about tangoed around the other boxes that lined the small entranceway to their home. Her hand reached down and ruffled her sister's hair as she crossed their yard toward the street, making her way down the short twelve blocks toward the center of town.

* * *

Panem was considered a middle-class town in overall terms, with the government-subsidized apartment housing on Eleventh Street directly contrasted to the McMansions that lined First and Second Street. During the few summers she had spent with her cousins, Katniss understood that after Fifth Street, it was considered the "poorer" parts of town, and those kids low on the popularity totem pole. Gale was one of the few exceptions to that rule on account of puberty hitting him early, leaving him with a stocky, athletic build, rugged face and attractive height.

Katniss didn't give much thought to the hierarchy of high school back home and she was certain she wouldn't care here, either. She had a few friends before her father died, but after that she had essentially devolved into a hermit, only very seldom peeking out to see how the world was doing. The only person to infiltrate her shell had been her younger sister Primrose, who either out of sheer desperation for love or actual camaraderie, was the reason Katniss did anything productive after her father's death.

Sweat began dotting her forehead as she finally got to the center of town. Peering down the block her eyes read the various marquees of the small shops, trying to identify one that would contain the desperately-needed hammer. The green-painted wooden sign a few doors down seemed like her best bet: Mason's General Store.

Grumbling to herself about how stupid it was to wear a leather jacket in the summer and how ridiculous it was to repair a chair midst a move, she opened the screen door to the store. She was greeted by a small bell chime above her head and the lingering smell of pine and sawdust. The store was cute; wooden shelves and display cases lining the walls, displaying an alarmingly varied myriad of items. Back home they had Starbucks and Wal-Mart, brightly-lit convenience stores that sold batteries and bananas and lottery tickets. Here in Panem, they had Mason's General Store. Quaint.

A small wire fan blew the stale, hot air from inside directly toward the door, pushing the errant strands of Katniss's hair back. She could hear the buzz of other fans set up throughout the store, and began to wonder how far back it actually went. It was misleading from the small exterior. A wailing saxophone crackled through what must be ancient speakers, an old jazz tune Katniss couldn't identify.

"You look hot." The brunette started, placing her hand over her chest as she searched the store for the source of the voice. Finally, behind a register that was packed with gum, air fresheners and other odds and ends nobody ever needs but always seems to line their purses, she saw her.

Saw her wasn't exactly right; she ogled her. A smirking, petite, raven-haired girl with red streaks lined in her tousled hair. Wide set brown eyes that were so heavily shrouded with black eyeliner Katniss thought they looked like midnight, as if she was staring into a starry sky. The girl's athletic body was partially concealed by the register, but her feminine collarbone and slightly muscled forearms were bright against the onyx, ribbed wifebeater she had hugging every inch of her breasts and abdomen. A pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses sat atop her what looked like intentionally messy hair.

"I'm sorry?" Katniss finally sputtered, knitting her sweaty eyebrows in confusion. Here this girl was, shaped like a model with her tight clothes and looking seemingly unaffected by the heat, and she was sweating like a whore in church. Great first impression.

Johanna stared at the girl in the doorway, tilting her head slightly to the left to take in the girl's appearance. What she had meant to say was the girl looked like her internal temperature was probably higher than it should be. Her forehead was glimmering with sweat due both to the heat and the fact that she was wearing an out of season brown leather jacket.

"Um, what I meant was, it's a little hot for a jacket don't you think?" Johanna mentally cursed herself for sounding so awkward. However, it wasn't every day that a gorgeous girl walked into the store that wasn't some atrocious preppy girl from school materializing in the doorway like a demon summoned from hell to taunt her.

Katniss slowly took in the darker-haired girl's words, only just realizing now that she was still standing directly in the doorway when the bell chimed behind her. Startled again she bumbled backward and allowed an old lady to mosey into the store.

"Hello Johanna," the older woman greeted in a crinkled voice, matching her crinkled face and crinkled dress. Why do old people still dress like they did when they were twenty-five? Do people just stop evolving their wardrobe after twenty-five? Does your closet stand frozen in time? Whatever the style is then, that's what you're stuck with. Unluckily for her generation, they'd be stuck with leggings tucked into Ugg boots.

A warm smile erupted on Johanna's face as she leaned forward on the counter. "Afternoon, Mags. Here for more yarn already?"

The older woman smiled and reached on her tippy-toes to pinch Johanna's nose. As Katniss watched the exchange she saw the red blush flare on Johanna's cheeks as those deep brown eyes darted briefly to her and then back to the woman, and she couldn't help the thought of how adorable it looked. An unfamiliar fluttering began to spasm in her stomach and she placed her hand over it, trying to calm it like you would a screaming baby.

"Yes, dear. Is your mother here? I'd like to say hello to her as well."

Johanna nodded and motioned toward the vast back of the store with her arm. "She's back there somewhere, tinkering with the air-conditioning. Hence the  _unbearable heat_!" Johanna yelled, trying to attract her mother's attention. "You know how she is. Just holler for her and she'll pop out of a crevice like a little magical troll."

Mags smiled, every little wrinkle on her face creasing as she did so. "Thank you, Johanna." A loud wail of a singer interrupted their conversation but the elderly woman didn't seem bothered. "You're listening to my Bessie Smith recommendation!" the woman exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

"I  _love_  it," Johanna responded effusively, her brown eyes lighting up with a childlike wonder. Katniss couldn't help but stare into them like a solar eclipse. Katniss was always attracted to people when they talked about their passions; clearly whatever music was playing struck deep within Johanna. It made her even more attractive to Katniss, which was rapidly becoming a problem because all she wanted was a hammer. "It's fucking visceral."

"Language, Johanna," Mags admonished with a sly smile on her face. "I'll be sure to bring you that scarf I've been working on next time I visit." She patted Johanna's hand before she waddled down the wooden corridors toward the back of the store.

Johanna widened her eyes as she looked over to the other girl who was staring at her almost enough to make Johanna, a natural exhibitionist, slightly nervous. "You like The Beatles, huh?"

Katniss's eyes clouded with confusion until the black-haired girl gave a brief nod toward her shirt. "Oh." Katniss pulled the material away from her skin and looked down at the weathered graphic tee. "My dad was a big fan. He had all their records."

Johanna's lips pursed. "They're everyone's dad's favorite artist," she remarked with a snarky but friendly grin. "Favorite album?"

"Uh-um,"Katniss stuttered, totally unprepared for the girl's questioning. She was here for a hammer. However, something about the magnetism in Johanna's eyes made Katniss want to answer her. "I guess the white album?"

Johanna made a scoffing noise that began in her throat and came out her nose and she disappeared behind the counter. Katniss lifted herself on her toes to try and see what the other girl was doing. The music above their heads stopped abruptly. After a few moments of silence an electric guitar broke through and the room was filled with the sound of the Beatles.

Katniss opened her mouth to ask what Johanna was doing but Johanna placed a finger on her lips to indicate quiet. They stood across from each other in silence as the tune played loudly above their heads. Johanna seemed completely lost like the song had wrapped her in a cocoon, except for her lips that expertly recited the lyrics. It was a love song, a pretty one. Unfortunately Katniss didn't recognize it and couldn't concentrate because she was staring at Johanna's mouth.

Once the music faded, Katniss heard the clicking noise of an unseen LP player turning off. "White album, shmite album," Johanna said finally with a firm shake of her head. "Revolver is where it's at. If  _Here, There, and Everywhere_ doesn't drop the panties, nothing will."

Again the girl disappeared behind the counter and reappeared with the large white album in her hand. She shook it toward Katniss. "Take it home. If your dad likes the Beatles then I'm sure you have a record player. Listen to Revolver and prepare to have your  _world changed_." The way Johanna's low husk of a voice drew out the last two words shot an unfamiliar bolt through Katniss, like an unexpected dip on a rollercoaster, or a really satisfying sneeze. "You can give it back to me another time," Johanna explained, assuring a worry Katniss hadn't even vocalized. "So, you're new in town. What are you here for?"

Katniss stared at her weathered shoes and awkwardly shoved her hands into her jeans pockets. They barely fit so her palms stuck out weirdly. She looped her thumbs into the belt loops to try and make it look like it was intentional. "Oh, um, well my dad died a few years ago so my mom thought we should move here. My cousin Gale lives down the block from us; we just moved to Twelfth Street." As Katniss's gray eyes traveled up from her shoes to the register, to the confused but sympathetic brown eyes of the other girl, she realized she had babbled.

"I meant what brings you in here, to my store," she drawled in a low tone, reigniting the fluttering in Katniss's stomach. "But um, I'm sorry about your father. That's rough." All the brunette did was nod as an answer, embarrassed at her divulgence and the pity the other girl had in her eyes. Actually, not as much pity as Katniss usually got and abhorred. More just empathy.

"Oh." Katniss's cheeks flushed a beet red, almost matching the root with which she shared her moniker. Begrudgingly her eyes met the inquiring gaze of the intimidating girl behind the counter.  _Johanna_ , the elderly woman had said. Her name sounded lovely but also slightly masculine, much like the woman it was attached to. "I-I need a hammer. Do you have a hammer here?"

Johanna couldn't resist the broadening smile that was threatening to take over her entire face. This girl was absolutely adorable. Not to mention absurdly attractive. Also a lot more alliterations Johanna wasn't in the right state of mind to piece together. "Ah, well, it is a  _general_  store, so  _generally_  we'd have tools." Her own lips stretched into a smile at her own small joke, faltering slightly when Katniss didn't look amused. "Aisle three, next to the nails and other hammer-related items. Knock yourself out." Katniss nodded her head and began toward Johanna's directed area. "But not literally."

 _Not literally_? Johanna mentally swore up and down for making such a lame joke. Who the hell was she? The sixteen-year-old continued to berate herself whilst Katniss sorted through their wares. Mumbling to herself about sounding brainless she put on another record. The light soul of the 1960's record immersed the store in sound and put Johanna at ease. She heard the creaking of the old floorboards as Katniss returned to the front and placed the tool timidly on the counter in front of her.

_I never had a love to call my own. I was about to give up and then you came along._

Johanna looked from the hammer to the girl, then to the hammer and back to the girl. "Hey so feel free to say no to this but um, how about you take the hammer for free, and in return, you let me show you around sometime?" The brunette blushed again, painting her beautiful tanned skin a delightful pink. "I have a bike," Johanna blurted out, a flash of confusion crossing her face at her own words, as if they fell from her mouth without her permission. "I mean, I have a bike that we can use to ride around town. Two bikes."

Katniss was relieved to hear Johanna's nervousness, it helped alleviate the burning sensation of complete idiocy that she was feeling in every inch of her body. She pressed her lips together and the corners of her mouth upturned into a very small, almost imperceptible smile. "That sounds great."

"Really?" Johanna asked without missing a beat, appearing genuinely surprised at Katniss's agreement to hang out with her. She allowed a moment to compose herself and cleared her throat to try and clear the room of the awkwardness that had settled between them like dust. "I mean cool, great. Badass." They stared at each other for a few moments, neither either able to make a normal conversation happen between them. It was like starting a broken lawnmower every time they tried.

Johanna arrested her lower lip between her teeth, scribbling down her phone number on the small pad they kept near the register with more focus than was necessary for such a menial task. She gripped the pad and ripped the paper off, handing it over to the other girl. "Um so when you want to hang out just call me. That's my cell number."

"Thanks." Johanna felt a warmth fill her belly and move its way up her throat to her cheeks, coloring them and revealing an emotion she'd much rather keep to herself. Confidence boosted by Johanna's cute blush, Katniss smiled wider as she retrieved the hammer and the record and started toward the door.

"Wait what's your name?"

Katniss rested the hammer on her shoulder like a soldier with a rifle as she paused. "Katniss Everdeen." Johanna let the name wash over her body like a warm ocean wave. _Katniss Everdeen_. It sounded so beautifully unique like something out of a story book. The taller girl pointed at Johanna with her hammer. "And you're Johanna?"

Johanna's face contorted into some odd mixture of disgust and embarrassment. "Call me Jo. Nobody calls me Johanna except old Mags over there and my mom when she's pissed at me."

"Okay  _Jo_ ," Katniss replied, trying out the nickname. She liked it. "I guess I'll see you soon." A fond smile lingered on her lips for far longer than necessary as Katniss gave her a small wave and exited the store. Johanna rested her elbows on the counter, placing her chin in both of her hands, her eyes gazing out the door at Katniss's body disappearing down the street.

_What you got, I'm just crazy about it. If you're looking for a love that you'll never get tired of... make me yours._

Katniss began her trek back toward her new home, her mood buoyed significantly by her interaction with Johanna. Back home she was nothing special. Nobody went out of their way to be nice to her or give her free hammers or let her borrow albums. Maybe Johanna was a popular girl; she looked athletic so maybe she was a jock, her mother clearly owned a business in town so people probably knew her name, and she exuded a sangfroid that popular kids carried ubiquitously like backpacks and cigarettes.

Besides, she was into cool music Katniss had never heard of, so she must at least marginally cool. Cooler than Katniss Everdeen the new kid with the dead dad and the hot cousin would ever be. For now she could ignore the strange tingling that perked through her body as she imprinted the image of Johanna in her mind. That seemed like a Future Katniss problem, the tingling.

* * *

Music credits: The Beatles "Here There and Everywhere" from the album Revolver. And Bettye Swann's "Make Me Yours" from the album of the same name.


	2. Chapter 2

Katniss arose the next day to the harsh sunlight beaming through her un-curtained windows on either side of her bed. She grumbled swear words at the inconvenient solar intruder. Folding her body over she reached down to touch her toes and gripped them through the thin sheet. Her eyes moved around the room slowly, taking in the architecture of her room. They had finished moving in her furniture the night before after a dinner of pizza eaten on the floor, but she hadn't gotten around to putting any of her things away.

Filled cardboard boxes lay on the floor as nagging reminders of her obligation to remove their contents. While the room was slightly smaller than her room back home, she liked the exposed wooden beams that lined the inside of her ceiling. She stretched to her side to retrieve her cell phone from its resting place next to her pillow to squint at the time. 8:37AM.  _Gross_. Any time before eleven am was disgusting to Katniss. The only time getting up early was remotely acceptable was when she would go hunting in the woods with Gale during the summer. With regret she whipped off her sheets and placed both bare feet flat on the hardwood floors.

After quickly checking her Facebook and Twitter Katniss hopped out of bed to brush her teeth in the bathroom she would share with her sister. It felt a little Brady Bunch-esque considering in her old house she had her own bathroom to make a mess of. Now she would be forced to  _clean up after herself_ because Prim was such a little neat freak. _  
_

She ditched her toothbrush on the counter haphazardly and entered her room again, rummaging through boxes to try and find clean clothes. With a sigh she settled on clean underwear and a clean bra, the same jeans from yesterday and an old tank top. The brunette pulled her hair back into a ponytail and gazed around the room with a sour look on her face. This was her life now. Unpacking her things and making a new home.

* * *

Halfway across town, Johanna Mason was already up and awake, scarfing down a bowl of cereal at the breakfast counter in her kitchen. Music blared from a set of speakers above them, blasting  _Appalachian Spring_ by Aaron Copland; the only proper way to greet the morning as Johanna saw it. It was twenty-five minutes of pure American string and horn goodness that always motivated her to start her day.

Her mother Polly tolerated this because it was much easier to listen to than some of Johanna's other musical interests. Johanna was sometimes a tough nut to crack in terms of her mood, but she almost always put on an album or song that reflected her inner dialogue. If she went upstairs and heard some unintelligible screaming, she knew Johanna had a bad day at school. If Johanna listened to Tchaikovsky or Hans Zimmer's  _The Dark Knight_ soundtrack, Polly knew her daughter was sad. It was an easy way for a single parent of an enigmatic child to connect to her. Music has a way of opening doors that are otherwise locked.

"Johanna, I almost forgot. I'm going to the Diamant's house to help Mr. Diamant with his new deck. You'll have to open the store for me today. Is that cool?" Polly Mason leaned on the counter in front of her daughter, dangling the keys to the general store in front of her.

"Sure thing." Johanna snatched the keys from her mother and shoved them in her back pocket. "I hate that you help them. Their daughters are absolute fucking nightmares at school. The brother is literally like a half a chromosome away from actually being a potato."

Polly sighed, petting her daughter on the head. Johanna scowled at the childish show of affection which only served to make her mother grin even more. "Glimmer and Cashmere are lovely girls. They are nothing but polite when I've met them. Gloss is kind of a meat head, I will agree with you there."

"Yes, and like all other Disney villains they turn into green-tinged monsters when their parents backs are turned." Johanna pointed her spoon across the counter at her mother, dripping milk all over the granite. "Did you know that last year they kicked a girl off the cheerleading squad for wearing the  _wrong socks_?" The teenager leaned over her bowl. "The wrong socks. What kind of sick fuck even  _looks_ at socks, never mind gives enough of a shit to call another person out on it?"

Polly let out a hearty laugh at her daughter's story as she pulled her hair back into a tight bun. She retrieved her tool belt from the kitchen table and fastened it around her waist. As she passed her daughter she kissed the top of her head. "Don't get into any trouble. And keep the music to a reasonable level, will you? I'll be home late tonight; we're having our first PTA meeting of the school year."

Johanna grinned with a mouth full of Lucky Charms cereal. "I certainly wouldn't want to hinder the PTA meeting. How would Panem possibly operate without you?" Polly rolled her eyes and walked out the door, leaving Johanna to enjoy the rest of  _Appalachian Spring_ and the soggy marshmallows she had saved for last.

* * *

_Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move; awake but cannot open my eyes._

Johanna swept the floor of her mother's store as the music played around her, humming the familiar tune to herself. She hadn't been particularly busy that day so she invited her best (and essentially only) friend Finnick to come and keep her company. The sandy-haired, athletic boy sat on the register's counter, popping Sweet-tarts in his mouth as his heels kicked the wooden front of the counter.

"So you met the new girl already? Spill the beans, Jo, because I won't wait until the first day of school like a peasant." Finnick glared at his friend as he popped another one of the sweet and sour candies in his mouth.

Johanna leaned her chin on the tip of the broom, gazing into the wall as she reimagined Katniss in her brain. It wasn't a difficult endeavor as she had thought about her practically non-stop since the second she walked out the door. Johanna's hair was tied back in its usual ponytail, her aviators tucked into her fitted and partially ripped Smiths t-shirt which hung loosely over her torn black jeans. She scuffed her Converse sneaker against the floor, biting the inside of her cheek. "Her name is Katniss Everdeen. And she -"

" _Katniss_?" Finnick repeated, raising a pale eyebrow. "What the fuck is a Katniss?"

Johanna glared at the green-eyed boy and smacked him with the end of the broom. "I don't know. It's just a name. What the fuck is a Finnick?" Finnick shrugged in a "point taken" way and motioned for her to continue. "She said her father died a few years ago so she and her family moved to Twelfth Street. I think she mentioned being Gale Hawthorne's cousin?"

This bit of information piqued the gossipy teen's interest. His verdigris eyes enlarging like a microscope lens. "Ooh, is she a hottie? Gale's not a bad looking dude, no homo."

Johanna rolled her brown eyes in ire. "Saying 'no homo' doesn't mean anything. Appreciating Gale's attractiveness doesn't make you gay. Sucking his dick makes you gay. And not even then. Just shut up." Johanna took in a deep breath before trying to attempt the rest of her description. "But yes, to answer your question, she is super hot. Like scalding. Like she might actually burn to the touch. The girl is on fire."

Finnick wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at his friend. "Were there sparks? Shall I call for the U-Haul?"

Finnick's lesbian jokes typically flew over Johanna's head; everyone in school knew she was gay and it didn't bother her. She took some flack for it from the stereotypically homophobic popular girls in her school but for the most part, everyone left her alone. Her abrasive attitude was a wonderful set of spiked armor that deflected the hurtful comments some of her peers had thrown at her.

"I don't know if she's gay."

"Johanna Mason has that ever stopped you before?" Finnick asked rhetorically. They both knew fully well that Johanna's favorite pastime other than her music was seducing self-described "straight" girls. It was a gift, what could she say? Some of those same self-described homophobes who teased her at school definitely had found their way into Johanna's sheets at least once.

Her tongue ran along the fronts of her pearly whites in an effort to mask a smile. "Shut your dumb mouth." Finnick grinned, his cheeks dimpling deeply as he did so. Finnick was an interesting person to have as a friend; he was extremely popular and well-liked through the school's social hierarchy. He was one of the few kids who actually had friends from all over town. He was the captain of the swim team and the president of the drama club. His stunning physique and light-hearted good humor made him extremely desirable, especially to the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls from First Street. Unfortunately for them, Finnick had been in love with the girl next door - Annie Cresta - since they were toddlers. No one else had even come close to touching the deep, intense bond between the two.

Annie was nice enough, Johanna thought, if a little distracted. Her face was always buried in a sketchbook, her red hair frizzing in all directions as she mumbled her thoughts out loud and then drew them. However, Finnick was in love. As his oldest and closest friend, Johanna grew to kind of care about Annie by proxy. Their constant doting on one another bordered on revolting about eighty percent of the time but Johanna tolerated it for the friendship.

The climax of the song came on and Johanna stopped sweeping to use the broom as a microphone. "And sometimes when you're on, you're really fuckin' on! And your friends they sing along and they love you." Johanna dramatically sidled up next to Finnick. "But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fuckin' cheap. And it teases you for weeks in its absence." She took a step back, grasping the broom/microphone with both hands. "But you'll fight and you'll make it through. You'll fake it if you have to. And you'll show up to work with a smile. You'll be better and you'll be stronger, more grown up and a better daughter... or son and a  _real good_ friend."

As Johanna whirled around with her broom in a dramatic sweep, she came face to face with a certain brunette who was standing in the doorway. Johanna dropped the broom on the floor like it was burning her flesh, her brown eyes wider than the moon as she took in the entertained sight of Katniss.

"Katniss!" Johanna squeaked in a voice that sounded more like an old staircase than a human. The other girl was dressed in tight jeans she had tucked into the same boots from the day before, but a ruby button-down blouse replaced her Beatles t-shirt. Her hair was different as well. To Johanna's untrained eye it looked as if Katniss had actually taken the time to curl it, leaving the shimmering brown locks to fall over her shoulders. Her face was free of sweat with just a hint of a smoky eyeshadow and faint lip gloss. In short, if the mind-numbing embarrassment of having been caught singing into a broom wasn't enough to shake her, Katniss's beauty had done the job nicely.

Johanna snatched up the broom and placed it against the wall, stuffing her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. She didn't dare look over at Finnick because she knew his humungous grin would be a distraction. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I-If you're busy I can come back another time."

"Busy?" Johanna replied shrilly. Irked at her own squealing voice she cleared her throat. "No, I'm not busy. What's up?" That's right, that sounds good. That sounds casual. Johanna mentally high-fived herself for potentially not fucking up her second encounter with this girl after being caught doing broom karaoke with a bit too much flair.

Katniss's mouth moved into a tiny smile. "I'm supposed to go to the high school and sign up for classes. I have a meeting with the counselor there." Her gray eyes moved awkwardly around the room, avoiding Johanna's penetrating gaze. She had no idea who this boy was on the counter; her immediate assumption was that it must be Johanna's boyfriend. That would explain, sort of, the flare of jealousy rising in her belly. He was Adonis-like attractive with his coiffed blond hair and cheekbones that looked like they were carved out of marble. Like seriously what was he, an ancient Greek statue come to life?

When her attention finally rested back on Johanna she realized she had (embarrassingly) forgotten to finish her sentence. "I um... I was hoping you could help me find the school? A-and her office? Take you up on your offer from yesterday?" The hopefulness in her voice had escaped without her consent. Way to sound like a pathetic creep, Everdeen. Great job.

Johanna was so thoroughly engrossed in watching Katniss's lips move her mind hadn't understood a single word she said. The tone of her voice was low but feminine; a spine-tingling (and other-places-tingling) rasp that sent Johanna to the moon. Luckily for her Finnick wasn't so entranced, so he hopped off the counter and intervened. "She would love to... Katniss, was it?" The tiny smile on Katniss's lips fell slowly into a straight line as she shook the hand of this boy she was mentally preparing as her nemesis. "Finnick Odair. Nice to meet you. Johanna's told me  _so much_ about you."

The onyx-haired girl's jaw was still open to the point where she was close to catching flies. Of course now Finnick had made her look even more foolish. Anticipating Johanna's mood, Finnick grabbed the broom from its stance against the wall and looked between the two of them. "Sweet-tart?" he offered to Katniss, holding out the small plastic container of candy in his palm. When she shook her head he popped another in his mouth instead. "Your loss. Nobody lives forever so when you see something sweet, you have to grab it quick."

The Greek-statue-looking-boy wet his lips as he talked, sending a wave of revulsion through Katniss that reminded her of her creepy Principal Cray from back home. Lecherous old man who she believed only held his position so he could stare at the asses of teenaged girls all day. "I'll watch the store, Jo," Finnick said finally after the world's most awkward three seconds went by.

"Yeah my mother will be crazy about that idea."

Finnick pretended to look greatly offended, his formerly smirking mouth contorting into an 'O' shape. "For your information, Polly Mason loves me. She has said, on more than one occasion, that she wishes I were her son." He dropped his forehead to drive his point home. "Her  _own son._ It's a great honor when a woman says she wishes she painfully pushed you out of her vagina. Don't act like it's not."

Johanna balked and slapped Finnick on his arm. "You  _do_  have a big head."

His features softened as he draped his arm over Johanna's shoulder. "I got this. Go help Katniss get to the school. What if she gets jumped by some hooligans on the way there? Do you want that on your conscience? I certainly don't." Not needing permission Finnick strode behind the counter and propped himself up on the wooden stool where Johanna usually sat.

Johanna breathed in another deep breath as her chestnut gaze jumped from Finnick to Katniss. Her blouse was form-fitting and Johanna was easily distracted by the soft curve of her sides as the shirt flared out over her hips. Her mind buzzed forward in time to wonder if Katniss would be the type to be ticklish on her sides. The kind of ticklish that turns into arousal when the light touch of fingertips roughens into a scrape.

Talk about putting the cart before the horse. "It looks like I'm all yours." The impassive look on Katniss's face transformed into a gentle happiness.  _Looks like I'm all yours._ Why don't you just ask her to marry you already? Johanna berated herself internally, but externally managed to puppeteer a friendly and not at all creepy (she hoped) smile on her lips.

Katniss turned around to leave and Johanna looked over to Finnick.  _'Super hot!'_ he mouthed to her, pretending to fan himself like a Southern belle in Georgia heat. With an eye-roll Johanna followed the other girl out of the store and they began their walk down the main street toward the high school.

The day wasn't nearly as excruciatingly hot as the one before. A gentle breeze blew through the tall maple trees that lined Capitol Boulevard, rustling the few leaves that had vacated their trees just a bit too early. Johanna crossed her arms over her chest as the walked, trying to stare at Katniss without getting caught.

"Have you been to Main Street before? Besides yesterday?" Johanna asked, suddenly unable to bear the silence between them any longer.

Katniss nodded her head, picking her gaze up from the ground to stare at the store fronts. "I used to come here some summers when I was little. Gale and I didn't spend much time down here specifically. We liked to go in the woods mostly. Hunting sometimes."

"And what, like, kill people? I don't know anyone who hangs out in the woods except  _maybe_  serial killers."

Katniss laughed a husky laugh that turned the corners of Johanna's mouth upward. "How many serial killers do you know?"

They crossed the large lawn that spread out before Panem High School. The Greek revival architecture building was an imposing two-story brick edifice that was just on the edge of town. Johanna always thought it looked more like a town hall than a school. "None personally, but you never know. A girl moves to a new town, immediately needs a hammer, likes to go in the woods. I mean, it's got kind of a serial killer vibe to it, just sayin'."

Johanna held the door for Katniss as the brunette let loose another long laugh. She tucked her loose curls behind her ear as she walked passed the other girl. She stopped in the middle of the doorway, directly in front of Johanna. For a moment she was sure she had imagined the most imperceptible intake of breath that was not her own. "Do I have a serial killer vibe to you, Johanna?"

Johanna was positive the marching band thumping of her heart was loud enough to bounce down the hallways. Katniss smirked at her with a confidence that Johanna had yet to see from her. Not that they knew each other all that well, but it was enough to surprise the hell out of her. "N-no," she uncharacteristically stuttered, watching Katniss walk in the doorway. Her eyes zeroed in to Katniss's behind like a fighter jet to a land target until Katniss peered at her over her shoulder.

Her eyes went back up so fast she was almost dizzy. "But it's always the ones you least expect," Johanna added, her mouth moving back into its typical smirk.

* * *

"Ah, Miss Everdeen! Do come in!" the bubbly counselor, Ms. Effie Trinket, greeted the newest Panem High School alum. Katniss was sure that in all her life, she had never seen someone who looked so unintentionally like Ronald McDonald more than Effie Trinket. Her red hair was miles above her head in tight curls, her pancake make-up making her skin a sickly alabaster white. Her dress was frilly and short, polka-dotted with red dots the size of quarters all over the fabric.

She sat herself on the opulent armchair that was placed directly in front of the large wooden desk Miss Trinket set herself in front of. Katniss roamed her eyes over the intricate carving work, admiring the knots and curves of the dark wood. "This is mahogany."

Katniss put on the closet to "interested" she could muster on her face. "It's beautiful." That seemed like the kind of response she was looking for.

Ms. Trinket beamed, stretching her painted mouth in such a wide smile she almost resembled the Joker. "Thank you." Her manicured nails (also polka dot red) tapped away at her laptop situated next to a few picture frames and a bizarrely large bouquet of flowers. "All right well let's see. Here at Panem High School we have a few core classes that are not optional. We call them 'mandatories,'" Ms. Trinket explained, pursing her Red Queen lips together. "A mathematics, a physical education, a science, and a course in English. Looks here like you tested well back at your old school. Very well in fact."

A rosy tinge came on Katniss's cheeks as Ms. Trinket pored over her school records. She had always tested well; the state-wide exams they had every year, she had scored an eleven out of twelve her first year, and a twelve out of twelve the second year. Her actual grades had suffered, though, as the almost comically clown-like frown drooped on her face.

"Okay, well, here at PHS we believe in a fresh start for everyone," Ms. Trinket said exuberantly. "I will assume your abilities in all your areas of studies did not actually decline with your grades." Her face became serious, but in the way that Prim's face would grow serious when Katniss would talk disparagingly about some teen band she loved. "Losing a loved one is incredibly hard for someone so young to bear. To lose a father that young, well..." Katniss hated how that sentence always trailed. What were people going to say? Were they surprised she survived it? That she didn't just lose herself in a veritable maelstrom of girlish emotion?

Ms. Trinket annihilated the sour look on her face for one that looked like it should have been painted into the side of a carousel: frighteningly happy. "Anyhow, let's get down to business, shall we? You will need to choose three elective courses. I have a list here of some that will fit into your schedule." Over the desk she handed Katniss a small folder with the names and descriptions of the classes.

Katniss mulled over the list disinterestedly, her eyes scoping out things like "pottery" and "study hall." Ms. Trinket watched her expectantly, her eyes lighting up as she watched Katniss read the descriptions. "Well, um, I guess I'll take the study hall, the pottery class, and the music appreciation class?"

"Splendid!" Ms. Trinket exclaimed, snatching the folder back from Katniss and typing away at her keyboard once more. The printer behind her hummed loudly and ejected a lone sheet of paper. The red-haired woman slipped it from the tray and handed it over to Katniss. "Here is your schedule. Classes begin this Monday - approximately three days from today. Your locker number is on there as well. If you have any concerns about your schedule or anything else, you can always come to me."

"Thank you," Katniss replied, standing up from her chair. She nodded gracelessly and made her way out the door, her eyes watching the large painted sign above the threshold that read: REMEMBER - CHINS UP, SMILES ON.

Johanna was sitting against the row of lockers directly outside Effie Trinket's office, staring into the trophy cabinet across from her. Panem didn't have a particularly championship-studded past, but every so often another gold ornament would go into the case. Principal Snow would make an embarrassingly large deal about it even if it was just a chess trophy or the math league. He was a sucker for pomp and circumstance.

Her face lit up as she watched Katniss emerge from the office of Trinket, pushing herself off the ground and crossing the hallway toward her. She snatched the paper from Katniss and skimmed down her schedule. "All right, not bad." Johanna's head bobbed as she read Katniss's schedule. It looked innocent enough, but Johanna was secretly committing the rundown in her memory.

"Do we have any classes together?" Katniss asked as innocuously as possible, raising her eyebrows as she awaited a response. The way Johanna's mouth stretched into a brief smirk before she took her bottom lip with her teeth, Katniss could feel the heat rising in her chest and threatening to spill upward on to her neck.

"We do, you lucky dog. We have the same study hall and I'm taking Astronomy with Wiress. And I've already taken Abernathy's music appreciation class. I'm taking pottery but not the same period as you are." Johanna handed Katniss's schedule back to her, satisfied. "Not a bad schedule, though." The two girls walked down the hallway and back toward the front door. "English Honors, huh? Are you a  _brain_ , Everdeen?"

Katniss laughed at the old-timey expression Johanna used, shaking her head as they walked back into the open air. "Hardly. I'm good in English."

"You  _do well_ in English," Johanna corrected, poking the brunette in the shoulder with her pointer finger. Katniss stuck her tongue into her cheek to prevent herself from either scowling or smiling at Johanna's tease.

The pair walked through town, Johanna attempting to point out any areas of note. Their school had a large football field, and directly behind it, a recreation center for the entire town to use. "Mostly it's just used for school-sponsored mixers. Which translates to borefests where the preppy girls where as little clothes and possible and the rest of us take turns throwing up." Johanna sighed and ran her fingers through her tousled hair. "Speaking of, my 'friend' Finnick that you met earlier?" Katniss nodded, trying to be nonchalant about how Johanna had referred to Finnick as her friend. Did that mean he wasn't her boyfriend? "Well Saturday night he's throwing is annual 'School is Back' party at his house on Fourth."

"Sounds cool," Katniss replied noncommittally.

Johanna rolled her eyes in exasperation at the ineptitude of the brunette walking next to her. "I'm inviting you, brainless." Finally the blush that had been hiding beneath Katniss's blouse emerged on to her neck and spread like poison ivy up to her cheeks. Luckily for her they were outside Johanna's job so the darker-haired girl couldn't embarrass her anymore. "It's at eight p.m. on Saturday night. His house is the big bright blue one. It'll be pretty obvious because inevitably some idiots will be out on the lawn doing a kegstand."

"If it's going to be full of idiots, why are you going?"

Johanna shrugged her shoulders. "It's Finnick's thing and I always DJ. And it's like, the only event all year that everyone, regardless of clique attends and has a good time. Finnick is funny that way. The cheerleaders, the jocks, the nerds, the weird kids who like to smell paint, everyone comes. And then on Monday we all go back to hating each other." Johanna smirked. "It's kind of a tradition."

"Wow, way to sell it to me." Johanna scowled at Katniss who gave her a toothy grin in answer. "I'll come. Should I bring anything?"

Johanna squished her lips together, twisting them into a thoughtful expression. "Nah, just be prepared to dance. I'm a pretty fucking awesome DJ."

Katniss quirked one of her eyebrows, meeting Johanna's arrogant glare with a challenging expression. "Don't you dance?"

Johanna backed into the door, setting off the chime above her head as she backpedaled into the store. "Come on Saturday and find out." She tilted her head to the side and winked with a confidence she did not have, letting the door close on Katniss.

* * *

Music: "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't understand why you're taking so long. It's a house party, not a wedding."

Katniss stood in front of her mirror in her bathroom with her curling iron in her hand. Her freshly make-up-applied eyes rolled at the impatience in her cousin's tone. Men would never understand the labor-intensive process that involves looking like you threw yourself together last minute. The painstaking process of getting your hair to look tousled as you woke up that way.

"Just give me a sec," Katniss called from within the bathroom. She wanted an honest appraisal of how she looked and Gale was not going to provide that necessary feedback. "Prim!" Her blonde little sister bounded into the bathroom, stopping short when she took in Katniss's outfit. Katniss fidgeted nervously beneath her sister's scrutinizing gaze. She had chosen a tight pair of dark wash jeans, her smallest but thinnest black high-heels, and a low-cut emerald green tank top. "How do I look?"

"A little bit much for a party at someone's house but definitely pretty." Prim smiled her toothy grin at her older sister and gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up.

"Thanks Little Duck." With her sister's approval Katniss went back into her bedroom to retrieve her earrings and she tried to ignore Gale's disapproving stare from the edge of her bed. She already knew his reaction: he'd think she looked too revealing because he was super over-protective of Katniss. But her outfit tonight was not for him obviously; it was for Johanna. Katniss possessed a deep reserve of the need for the other girl's approval. She couldn't quite place the reason why but smart money would be on the inexplicable warmth she felt in Johanna's presence.

Without waiting for a word from her cousin Katniss led the two of them downstairs and passed her cooking mother on their way out the door. The duo walked leisurely down the long block toward Fourth Street. Katniss hadn't seen much of the interim blocks in between Gale's (now her) street and the main drag. Each street looked very different from the one before it. Eleventh Street had several large apartments on it and two-family homes with more satelittle dishes than Katniss thought was necessary. She saw a group of small kids playing stickball in the street like some sort of 1940's New York City tableau. Seventh Street was backed into a large thicket of tall oaks that stretched the entire length of the block. As they approached Fourth Street Katniss saw a fairly active river that coursed behind the homes there. From her vantage point before they turned down the street Katniss saw that many of the homes had built decks right on the river's edge.

Johanna was right that finding Finnick Odair's house was as easy as spotting a cardinal in a tree. Several Varsity-jacket clad men were sitting outside on the lawn chugging beer straight from the keg spout. A few of them greeted Gale as they walked up the lit cement pathway toward the door. Just as they approached the sky blue door it swung open and revealed Finnick and a red haired girl Katniss didn't recognize.

"You came!" Finnick exclaimed, draping his arm around the redhead next to him. Katniss could smell the alcohol on his breath from where she stood and she didn't hide her grimace. "Johanna is going to be thrilled. Oh!" Finnick stepped backward and held his hands out toward the timid redhead he was previously attached to. "Katniss Everdeen, this is Annie Cresta. My one and only. The sun in my sky. The waves to my shore." Annie blushed deeply, coloring her face a pretty crimson.

"Nice to meet you, Annie," Katniss greeted politely, shaking the shy girl's hand. Inwardly Katniss was relieved to know this handsome man was not Johanna's boyfriend. Once the formalities were over Finnick reattached himself to his girlfriend and let them in. He directed them toward the bar area and explained where the bathrooms were (which was upstairs next to the bedrooms).

Katniss didn't exactly want to mingle but Gale insisted she at least get familiar with some of the kids from alcohol. So instead of finding Johanna like she wanted, Katniss met with a bunch of the kids from Panem High School. Two nearly identical blonde sisters named Cashmere and Glimmer and their large brother Gloss. A small ginger-haired girl with a small face and pointed nose named Meredith but Katniss referred to her as Foxface to Gale who was quietly amused. He introduced her to a friend of his from the lacrosse team, Cato.

Katniss finally lost Gale about an hour (and several "take a shot with me!" drinks) later and she began searching for Johanna. The brunette found her black-haired friend out by Finnick's large pool behind a makeshift DJ booth. It was simply a white plastic folding table with a MacBook, a pile of CDs, and a stereo flanked by two large speakers. Johanna was hunched over the table staring down at her computer, her body lightly bumping up and down to the music. Katniss took the time before she made her presence known to drink in Johanna's appearance. Her bangs fell loosely over her forehead, the rest of her black-and-red hair pulled back into a loose ponytail held up with a clip. Her eyes were their usual heavily lined selves, a faint hint of green at the edge of her onyx eyeshadow. Her pale frame was clad in a Morrissey concert t-shirt that it looked like she had intentionally ripped in several places, including right on her neckline, dipping down between her breasts. The exposed skin was glistening with sweat. A studded belt held up a pair of black jeans that clung to Johanna's slim hips tightly.

Johanna looked beautiful in a guarded, dark, enigmatic way. Her attractiveness was not in the dark clothes she wore or the charcoal make-up she applied like an Amazonian war paint. It was what was beneath that hard shell that drew Katniss in; she glimpsed pieces of Johanna's inner workings in their encounters and it always left her wanting more.

_I know that we are upside down. So hold your tongue and hear me out._

The song changed and Johanna finally looked up from her stare at her computer screen to finally notice Katniss across the yard. When she looked at Katniss, Johanna thought that she was the type of girl composers dreamed of when they wrote beautiful fugues and ballads. The type of girl who breaks the heart of great authors and inspires their masterpieces. She just radiated a kindness that was edged in a mysterious aura of sexuality; it made Johanna uncharacteristically uncomfortable. She wasn't confused by beauty, but Katniss looked like something otherworldly.

The dance song's powerful bass dropped and Johanna busied herself for a moment queuing up another few songs before she downed the rest of her beer and walked around the table toward the brunette.

"You look hot," Johanna commented with a smirk. "And this time I mean it. You clean up well, Everdeen."

Katniss gave her outfit a once-over and graciously took the compliment. "Thanks." Her gray eyes traveled the length of Johanna's body from her roughed up Doc Martens to her windswept bangs. Aggressive confidence began percolating in her veins. "You going to offer me that dance you promised?"

Johanna let out a short, impressed laugh. "I thought you'd forgotten." She extended her hand out in an outlandishly formal gesture. "Care to dance?"

Katniss chuckled and nodded her head. Johanna's smirk widened into an all-out grin as she led Katniss on to the "dance area" of Finnick's backyard, which was simply the pool's large deck. It was already packed with clumsy, inebriated teenagers bumping and grinding to Johanna's infectious mix.

Now that she was actually there on the dance floor facing her, Katniss was glad for the alcohol the others had provided. The way Johanna was gazing into her eyes; they were almost completely black like a large cat's. It shook Katniss from the goosebumps on her arms to the warm coiling sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Johanna's left hand draped over Katniss's neck, her fingernails slowly rotating against her skin. Her right hand grasped Katniss's waist as she curled one finger around the belt loop of her jeans and pulled her closer. Now that their bodies were touching Katniss felt like she finally understood the song that was playing.

_I am a fire, you're gasoline. Come pour yourself all over me._

The brunette suddenly felt like she was on fire and Johanna's existence was the gasoline igniting inside her. Not that she had any practice but Katniss tried to keep up, gripping fistfuls of Johanna's shirt on each of her sides and moving her body in rhythm. She had about an inch or so of height in her favor so Katniss used her leverage on Johanna's sides to spin the other girl around so her butt was flush against Katniss's groin. Katniss couldn't hear her but she felt the rumble in Johanna's chest as she said or growled something. Johanna leaned back and rested her head on Katniss's shoulder; her lips were perilously and achingly close to Katniss's.

Johanna felt like a race car on autopilot. Every engine inside her was pulsating on all cylinders and she was running on pure adrenaline. She hadn't expected Katniss to be so forward but she was more than willing to oblige. Her hands reached behind her and on to Katniss's hips to guide her rhythm. Mostly though, she was just hanging on for dear life. Katniss's hands splayed across Johanna's hips and they came to rest on Johanna's stomach, just above the top of her jeans.

She felt her hair come loose when Katniss's hands vacated their spot on her abdomen. She peered over her shoulder to see Katniss toss her clip on the ground; her fingers snaked into Johanna's hair and shook it free. She felt Katniss lean her face into her hair, the heat of her breath soaking through her hair and coating her skin.

Without a pause the next song came on and the two girls continued their game of cat and mouse. Each of them touching more skin, holding the other closer until they practically moved as one. Neither girl was aware that anyone was looking at them. Not a lot of people were looking at them, but the heat of their eyes bounced of the girls' skin like it was nothing. Johanna turned around to face the brunette once more. She wanted desperately to stare into those lust-filled gray eyes as her own moves made the other girl roll her eyes back in pleasure or let out small gasps.

Two more songs in and Johanna couldn't take it anymore. All points on her skin felt tight and anxious, teeming with desire. When she spoke to Katniss - a hoarse whisper directly in the other girl's ear - her meaning was unmistakeable.

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" Katniss shuddered hard as Johanna's words floated in her buzzing brain until they rested on the meaning. She nodded. There was nothing in that moment that she wanted more than to "go upstairs" with Johanna. She wasn't sure exactly what that meant but it was a promised laced with desire and just a hint of tenderness and Katniss was sold.

The raven-haired girl took her by the hand and began weaving them through the choked crowd. They bumped against other bodies as they maneuvered through the students until they finally got to the foot of the stairs.

Leaning against the wall was a blond boy who Johanna had known all her life. Peeta Mellark - the nicest boy ever to walk the planet. His parents owned the bakery and deli across the street from her general store and she and her mother went there often for lunch. She tried to avoid his eye as she stepped passed him and the girl he was chatting amiably with.

"Katniss?" Johanna's head nearly fell off as it whipped to the side in surprise. "Hey you're Katniss right? Gale Hawthorne's cousin?"

Katniss looked briefly, desperately, toward Johanna who still had her hand in a sweaty death grip. "Yes?"

Peeta smiled widely. "It's Peeta Mellark! I live next door to Gale. I used to play with you guys sometimes when we were kids." He was genuinely flabbergasted to see Katniss at one of Finnick Odair's famous mixers. "Wow what are you doing here?"

Aside from intruding on a very near-intimate moment, Peeta seemed oblivious to the hurried and horny looks on both girls' faces. "I moved here a few days ago," Katniss explained politely. Johanna dropped her hand to avoid awkwardness but continued to stand on the landing.

"No way! You took over the old place of the Grange's. We're practically neighbors!" His exuberance made Johanna want to smash his mouth in. Something about the friendly way he spoke to her irked Johanna. To be fair, Peeta was nice to everyone. But Johanna could sense something else lingering beneath all this feel good nostalgia. Something she did not like or appreciate.

"That's great," Katniss replied in the most passive tone she could make without sounding outright rude. She vaguely remembered this small boy from her childhood. Gale didn't seem to like him that much so they often avoided him. He was always very bright and very friendly in the times they had played together, and she could see now that he had grown to be pretty handsome.

"How have you been? Oh, Delly this is Katniss Everdeen. Katniss, this is Delly Cartwright. She lives down the block from me. From us," he corrected with a good-natured chuckle.

Johanna could practically feel the steam rushing out of her ears. Peeta Mellark had unknowingly stopped her from finally getting to  _feel_ Katniss. She did not take kindly to people interrupting her conquests. Though truth be told, that's not what it felt like. Looking into Katniss's eyes on the dance floor she felt overwhelmed with the desire to take her, but not in the same sports-like way she usually dealt with girls. This felt more passionate, more real. And now, it was completely gone to smoke. "I'll let you guys catch up," Johanna muttered, annoyed, and pushed through them and made her way back toward the yard.

Fucking Peeta Mellark. The heat between she and Katniss has fizzled almost comically fast when he struck up a conversation. Johanna made herself a strong drink and ingested it quickly, gritting her teeth as the heat of the liquor seared the lining of her throat.

* * *

The night wore on slowly until only about thirty or forty people were still present. Johanna had set up her laptop to mix off a playlist as she dedicated the rest of the night to drinking. She didn't want to be bothered making a perfect mix for the party; nobody was listening to the music anymore anyway.

Katniss found herself practically arrested by Peeta who eagerly soaked up all the information on Katniss's life that she was willing to share. They talked at length about her home before Panem, reminisced a little about their childhood during the summers when they were small. Peeta seemed to remember a remarkable amount of information about Katniss that she had forgotten. It was incredibly sweet but sadly could not distract Katniss from thinking about Johanna and where she was. An hour or so later she hadn't even seen so much as Johanna's shadow

Finding an appropriate moment to excuse herself, Katniss left Peeta in search of the restroom. She ascended the carpeted stairs and began easing her way down the hall. Just as she was getting to the ajar door with the nautical bathroom sign on it, Katniss heard noises coming from another nearby room. Years of hunting with Gale had heightened her senses and she picked up the small noises like she would the movement of a rabbit through fallen leaves.

She leaned a little closer to the door until she was almost startled over the railing as the noise of someone thumping against the wooden entrance echoed in her ears. The sharp gasps of the girl behind the door became louder, the words "baby," and "faster," and "ohmygod" being chanted over and over in a high-pitched whine. Katniss rolled her eyes and twisted her mouth in disgust. Who would have sex in someone else's bedroom?

Granted she would have had things with Johanna escalated like she thought they would. She was ripped from her thoughts as another word spilled from the mysterious girl behind the door's mouth. A name that almost made the alcohol in her stomach rise to her throat. "Oh, Johanna! Don't stop!"

Nauseated, Katniss hurried back down the steps. She brushed passed Peeta and searched for Gale. Once she found him she jerked on his sleeve to get his attention. Her own gray eyes lifted up to his. "Can we go? I'm not feeling well."

Gale narrowed his eyes in concern. Katniss's eyes were welled with tears, the whites dotted in a red tint. He quickly said his goodbye to one of his friends and escorted Katniss out the door. Katniss practically ran down the yard and back toward Twelfth Street. Gale called after her but she kept up her pace. She didn't want to talk to Gale. She didn't want to admit how hurt she was over something that technically shouldn't affect her. It wasn't her business if Johanna was having sex with some other girl. They weren't dating; hell, they had only known each other a few days.

In those short few days Katniss had grown fond of her. Apparently the fondness was one-sided because since Johanna didn't get lucky with her, she was quickly replaced by some idiot girl with a high-pitched voice. The alcohol in her system was not reacting kindly to the additional cocktail of anger, sadness and embarrassment.

She got to her house before Gale could catch up and she quickly made her way up the stairs and into her bedroom. She flung herself across her bed and buried her face in her comforter. The tears that had waited patiently inside her eyelids came pouring out on to the fabric, dyeing the light blue blanket a deep navy. She fell asleep that way, curled in her sadness, until nearly ten in the morning the following day.

* * *

Johanna's head throbbed when she awoke the next day; the residual effect of how heavily she had drank. Normally she paced herself when she drank because her mother was adamant against her imbibing any liquor at all so she had to be careful to avoid hangovers. Today was not going to be one of those days. She hauled herself into her shower and blasted the cold water over herself. Her body shuddered as she threw up on to the basin of the tub, splattering the white porcelain with red and brown.

After thirty solid minutes of a cold shower Johanna begrudgingly dressed herself in sweats and trundled down her stairs toward the kitchen. She couldn't even think about putting food in her mouth but coffee would be extremely helpful. Her mother was out, which was her usual routine on a Sunday morning. Polly took extra work on the weekends when she could, especially on nice days during the summer.

When she opened the cabinet she nearly screamed when she saw that they were out of coffee. The yellow-and-red tin was missing from the cupboard. Johanna almost cried as she stared into the cabinet, hoping the coffee would just materialize like something from episode of Star Trek. Resigned to her fate she pulled on a pair of sneakers and brushed her hair. Looking far from presentable but at least human, she ventured into the ridiculously harsh sunlight of the midday.

Johanna made her way to the Mellark Bakery, eager to get a solid cup of coffee in her system. Hopefully they'd have some extra beans they'd be willing to sell as well. She was greeted by the warm smell of freshly baked bread and the heavenly scent of coffee as she opened the glass door of the bakery. Eyeing the cake display she waited behind two people in line for her coffee.

She approached the counter and frowned when she saw the familiar face of Peeta beaming at her in his apron, a small smear of flour on his cheek. "Good morning, Johanna! Wow you look terrible. Are you sick?"

Johanna rolled her eyes and slapped three dollar bills on the counter. "Coffee. Large. Black. No sugar. Now. Please." Peeta shrugged and turned around, pouring a fresh cup of large coffee into the cup for Johanna. He capped the lid and handed it to her. "Do you have any beans I can buy by the pound? We're all out and the grocery store is closed."

"Yeah, I bet we do. Just one pound?" Johanna nodded and Peeta went to work digging up the unground coffee beans and weighing them out for her. After a few minutes of watching Peeta get the weight perfect Johanna began drinking the piping hot beverage. The caffeine felt amazing as it began working through her stomach. He handed her the small paper bag and began to ring her up. "I can't believe Katniss moved here," he said conversationally as he rung her through.

Johanna looked at the total and peeled more bills from her pocket. "Yeah, small world."

Peeta nodded and smiled. "I know, right? I wanted to talk to her more but toward the end of the night she just stormed out." Johanna blinked in apparent confusion. Peeta shrugged. "She looked pretty upset. I don't know what happened. She went upstairs to use the bathroom and then just came right back down, crazy upset. It was weird."

He handed Johanna her coins which she slid into the tip jar next to the register. Katniss left the party upset? Johanna hadn't even seen Katniss leave the party. She had been a little preoccupied of course, so that was probably the reason why. Johanna took her coffee beans and her drink and left the store without saying goodbye, pushing out the glass door with her shoulder and back into the unbearable sun. Why did it have to be so bright?

Johanna pulled her sunglasses over her face and began back toward her house. School was starting tomorrow and she hadn't at all finished her report on  _A Farewell to Arms_ so she knew she was in for a day of reading and typing at her computer. That was not how she enjoyed to spend her Sunday afternoons, but she knew her English Honors class was going to be a doozy.

She sat her coffee next to her laptop. She perused her iTunes library for a good twenty minutes until she settled on Richard Wagner's  _Lohengrin_ and began to type away at her essay. Her mind wandered to Katniss as it usually did in recent days. She wondered why the girl had gotten so upset. She looked like she was having a nice time getting caught up with Peeta so Johanna had excused herself. They had come so close, so frustratingly close to sleeping together. But Johanna was glad they didn't. Something about the way Katniss moved inside her made Johanna want to take her time. Quick and dirty sex was okay for the dumb girls at school, but it wasn't right for Katniss. She deserved something special. She deserved to be loved.

What if she had heard? Johanna thought in horror. What if Katniss had gone upstairs and somehow heard her in the bedroom? Would that have upset her? It's possible, considering how deeply turned on Katniss was when they left the pool deck in favor of the bedrooms upstairs. If that was the case then Johanna had a lot of explaining to do tomorrow morning at school.

It was not a conversation she was looking forward to.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

The first day of school is inevitably one of the more awkward times in high school. No matter if you're a wide-eyed freshman wandering the halls with a paper schedule clutched in sweaty palms or a laid-back senior sleeping through homeroom, it's awkward. New students, new teachers, new classes, and the merry-go-round of "getting to know" people you had gone to school with since kindergarten.

Johanna had the same routine every morning since first grade. She would wake up, put on music, take a shower, eat, and leave her house. She'd wait on the corner of Fourth Street for Finnick and Annie and the three of them would amble the several blocks toward Panem High School. Their grammar school was only a block or two behind that so the walk was always the same, every day.

It was a blustery summer-turned-fall day; hot in the sun, but brisk in the shadows. Johanna had her three-quarter-length green flannel shirt on over a pair of black skinny jeans. A few bracelets jangled on her wrist but she couldn't hear it over her iPod blasting in her ears. Even though she always walked with Finnick and Annie, she rarely spoke to them out of a combination of not being a morning person and wanting to listen to her music.

_But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past... there must have been some moment of truth._

Johanna hadn't told Finnick about what had happened Saturday night. It didn't seem necessary and she wasn't sure his advice would be any good. Finnick didn't have any experience in love; he'd been in love with the same girl his entire life. However, she harbored a lot of trepidation about confronting Katniss about the events that had transpired. Not only because of her dalliance in the upstairs bedroom but also because of their dancing and Katniss's immediate agreement to hook up. Never had Johanna experienced such an immediate magnetism to someone. And if by some stroke of absolute shit luck Katniss had heard her in the bedroom, she had fucked it.

Johanna settled in her homeroom, keeping her earbuds in her ears as the rest of the class trickled in a few at a time. She had yet to see Katniss but she knew the girl was present because the whispers of the "new girl" that had already infiltrated the hallway within seconds of her entry. People didn't move to Panem very often so Johanna couldn't blame them for being curious but the ass-backward way everyone went about talking about her was bothersome. She wasn't a rare zoo animal, she was just a girl. A very attractive girl, but just a girl.

Just a girl that made Johanna feel like heaven blew in when she was in her presence. Just a girl that had stolen her breath like a thief in the night. Just a girl she had known for less than a week and already missed.

_For here you are, standing there, loving me. Whether or not you should._

Their first class together was pottery. Johanna had switched a bit of her schedule so they wouldn't have the same study hall, but instead the same pottery class. Their teacher droned on for half the class about proper procedures for molding clay or something to that effect. Johanna hadn't been paying attention because she was actively trying  _not_ to stare at Katniss and inevitably ended up staring at Katniss. She looked particularly pretty today in a light cardigan with the sleeves rolled up and a flower-print skirt that revealed tanned calves that Johanna found herself lingering on.

Katniss thought she had been doing an excellent job of pretending not to notice a lot of things on her first day. She pretended not to notice the gawks and stares as she fumbled with her locker's combination lock or walked the hallway. She pretended not to notice the way Peeta stared at her when he walked by with his friend Delly. She pretended not to notice that she had found Johanna several times in the hall before their class together. She pretended not to notice how Johanna's green shirt had brought out the hazel flecks in her eyes.

And now she was sitting in the art room pretending not to notice Johanna's heated gaze on her. Over and over in her mind she replayed that night, like a kid at a carnival riding a rollercoaster all day. The anticipation of getting ready, the warmth of the alcohol, the thrill of seeing Johanna, the extempore desire that had crept up inside her as their bodies touched, the frustrating stall as Peeta monopolized her time and she lost Johanna's attention, and the dreadful fall to reality when she heard someone else breathlessly call Johanna's name.

The class broke off into partners and Johanna knew what she had to do. She crossed the classroom as casually as possible until she was in front of Katniss, who was sitting on a stool in front of one of the clay spinners. "Hey stranger." Katniss looked up at the dark-haired girl, mentally cursing herself for not being able to stop the smile that burst on to her face when Johanna got close. "Wanna be partners?"

Did she want to be partners? No, she wanted to find out who was in that room with her, possibly maim that girl, then shove Johanna in a closet and kiss her until she could barely stand. Unfortunately none of those things were going to happen so Katniss nodded in agreement and Johanna pulled up another stool. Katniss watched as Johanna began pressing the pedal to spin the machine. "Have you done this before?"

Johanna nodded and flashed a quick smile. Katniss felt her heart beat a little faster and she wanted to punch herself in the chest for it. "Yeah. My mom is really crafty so she's taken me to some pottery things. One time we went on this cabin retreat over the summer that my mom had no idea was full of lesbians. Like a league of middle-aged lesbians trying to rekindle their bed death marriages via pottery classes." Johanna smiled at Katniss. "If my mom was gay or I was into MILFs we would have made out like bandits that weekend."

Katniss chuckled softly as Johanna threw the clay in the center of the plate. She slid off her bracelets and tucked them in her pocket. She flicked water on it and placed her hands around the gray ball. The small gray putty began to take shape as bits of it flaked on to Johanna's hands. Katniss unfortunately found herself mesmerized by the small, firm movements of Johanna's fingers around the clay. Of course she was good with her hands. Katniss nearly scoffed out loud at the thought. Of course she couldn't sit through this one class without wanting the other girl again.

Johanna couldn't help the smirk that picked up one corner of her mouth as she watched Katniss watch her out of her peripheral vision. Maybe she hadn't fucked up as much as she thought. She stopped pushing the pedal and removed her hands, revealing a small but relatively even circular bowl. "You try." Katniss looked very wary of the machine in front of them and the brown-eyed girl rolled her eyes. "It's okay to get your hands dirty, princess. I'll control the speed, you just have to move your hands."

They paused for a moment to reflect on the double-entendre of Johanna's comment. Katniss blushed and Johanna took her tongue between her teeth and grinned. The brunette got her hands wet and placed them around the bowl. Johanna slowly started the spinner as Katniss tried to work the clay into a wider bowl. It began to warp as Johanna watched over her carefully. "No brainless, it's not a bow and arrow, okay? You've got to be gentle, but firm."

Exasperated and not wanting their bowl to look like a Chinese take-out container, Johanna placed her hands over Katniss's. Her slightly slimy fingers glided over Katniss's as she guided her through the motions of making a bowl. Slowly the material began to look smoother under Johanna's watchful touch. Katniss's own eyes were firmly glued to Johanna's face, where she could see the girl biting her lip in pure concentration.

When Johanna's gaze flickered over to Katniss she felt the immediate heat between them like the swung open door of an oven. Katniss's lips had no gloss or lipstick on them. They were an untainted pale pink, the bottom slightly fuller than the top. It was only ten a.m. and Johanna was already worked into a hormonal frenzy. There was beginning to be too much tensity between them and Johanna felt she had to do something, say something to break it. "This moment would be perfect if 'Unchained Melody' was playing, right?" Johanna joked lightly, removing her hands from Katniss's.

Katniss frowned at the loss of contact before looking up at Johanna in puzzlement. "What?"

"Unchained Melody? The movie Ghost?" Katniss's blank expression made Johanna scoff. "You've never seen the movie Ghost? Hunky Patrick Swayze and weird hair-cut Demi Moore?" Katniss shook her head. "Oh my God you're missing out. What an eighties phenomena! Demi Moore is sitting at a pottery thing like this and the Righteous Brothers song 'Unchained Melody' comes on. Suddenly Swayze's ghost comes up behind her, wraps his arms around hers and guides them as they make some weird thing. It's hilarious but back then it was erotic."

Katniss snickered, ignoring the clay her hands were around until she saw Johanna's wide-eyed stare down at it. She had stopped moving the pedal and Katniss's hand had made a big indent in one side of their bowl. "Aw come on. I ruined it." Katniss pouted and withdrew her hands from the clay and placed them on the side of the basin.

"Not necessarily." Johanna pressed her fingers around the edges of the clay and somehow curved the bowl into a somewhat symmetrical heart. "Perfect. Now it's a little heart-shaped bowl that will fill nothing and serve no purpose." Their teacher passed by and collected their heart to place in the large kiln in the side of the room. The girls moved to the sink to wash off the clay residue, attempting to sneak glances at each other without being noticed.

The bell rang above their heads obtrusively and both girls collected their backpacks and exited the room in tandem. Johanna remembered Katniss's next class as her Music Appreciation with Mr. Abernathy, but she didn't want to seem like a total creep. Instead she conversationally asked, "So what's next for you?"

"Music Appreciation with Abernathy I think," Katniss replied, confirming Johanna's internal hypothesis. Johanna led the brunette down into a different wing of the school where the music room was. Johanna finally got to see firsthand the bizarre looks that Katniss was receiving. "You know what makes me feel totally normal?"

"Being stared at?"

"Bingo." Johanna stood outside the door, giving a wave for the blonde teacher inside. She liked Mr. Abernathy, even though he was kind of cantankerous most of the time. He had a deep knowledge of music and could play practically any instrument put in front of him with near prodigious skill. He was also the only person in the entire school who was aware that Johanna could sing, even Finnick didn't know, and it was a secret that he guarded safely and she appreciated his discretion. "Any advice before I go in?"

Johanna smiled. "Don't be late. Don't disparage other people's taste, he hates that. And keep your mind and ears open. He's gonna play a lot of weird shit but he knows his stuff." Johanna placed her hand on Katniss's shoulder and gave her a wink. "Have fun, Everdeen."

* * *

Johanna's study hall was Katniss's gym class now so she ditched the library in favor of the large gymnasium. The mixed grade class was well underway when she arrived, in the middle of a dodgeball game. Johanna waved to the gym instructor Mrs. York, and sat herself on the bleachers to the side of the room. York made her way around to Johanna was she kept a watchful eye on the game. "What are you doing here, Mason?"

"Enjoying the view," Johanna murmured under her breath, her eyes trained on Katniss, who had yet to see her. Her gym t-shirt was just a bit too small for her, hugging her sides and chest. And those shorts... Johanna thought she was going to break into a sweat just looking at her legs. She tore her attention away and focused on the teacher. "Just minding my business. I have study hall and the library is a bore."

York sighed and placed her clipboard-holding hand on her hip. "Fine, you can stay. But make yourself useful and go grab some of the pinnies from the locker room." Johanna rolled her eyes but availed herself anyway and scurried off toward the locker room. She rummaged around in the closet for the smelly pile of blue and red pinnies in the bin. She placed them in a large sack and made her way out back into the gym. Katniss was still very focused on her dodgeball game and had yet still to notice Johanna's presence.

It was Katniss on one side with only one other girl against at least five people on the other side. Johanna removed one of the blue pinnies and lined up behind Cashmere on the opposite team, snapping the pinny directly on the other girl's behind.

Cashmere shrieked and turned around, rubbing her buttcheeks as she stared down Johanna. "Ow! Johanna!" she squealed angrily.

Katniss's attention was piqued but not just because of the name. The way she said it. Her voice. Katniss was positive she had heard that high-pitched squeal before. Muffled through a doorway. Her eyes locked with Johanna's from across the gym floor as anger began to rise inside her chest like a swelling wave. The look of utter panic in Johanna's eyes confirmed what Katniss had already thought. This was the girl from behind the door. Cashmere, the beautiful blonde Senior who had just two days ago done shots with Katniss had also apparently been pinned against a door being fucked by Johanna.

A ball was thrown in Katniss's direction but she caught it to the dismay of the thrower. She took a few quick steps forward and launched the ball at Cashmere, who had just turned around. The ball smacked Cashmere directly in the chest, just above her breasts, hard enough to knock her backward into the padded wall behind her. "Ow what the fuck, new girl? What the fuck is your problem?"

Katniss narrowed her gray eyes dangerously. "Maybe pay more attention next time." She gave Cashmere a false smile and brought her attention back to the game. "And my name is Katniss." She was worked into a frenzy now, determined to take out her anger on the other poor fools on the opposite team. With a ferocious tenacity too extreme for gym class dodgeball, Katniss methodically picked each one of them off. When they were all cleared off the gym floor Katniss stood there, alone, panting in the middle of the gym.

"Great job, Everdeen!" Mrs. York called from across the gym, clapping her hand against her clipboard. "Well done. Okay everyone go change, class is over in about ten minutes." The other students cleared the gym floor quickly, filing into the locker rooms on each side of the room. Johanna stood near the door to the girls' locker room, stepping in front of it before Katniss could go in.

"Hey, um, I don't want you to think I'm a dick."

Katniss tilted her head to the side in a phony questioning expression. "And why would I think that? Because you've been flirting with me since the second I got here and at a party  _you_ invited me to, you had sex with some other girl?" Anger had somehow metamorphosed into confidence and Katniss was practically dripping with it.

Johanna's throat moved as she swallowed down saliva. Last time she was measured, she stood at around five feet, five inches. Today, though, anyone with a ruler could measure her and she'd be around two inches tall. "That's mostly it, yeah."

Katniss bristled and shrugged her shoulders. "You can do whatever you want, Johanna. But I don't let anyone make me feel small." Johanna's eyes dropped to the floor in apparent shame. "I thought you were different."

Johanna's eyes snapped back up to Katniss's hurt gaze. When did Katniss get so tall? "I  _am_  different. Look, um, will you at least let me get you a coffee after school and explain myself? Please?"

Katniss rolled her eyes and looked off to the side. She didn't want Johanna to see the immediate forgiveness in her eyes. The innocent, desperate way Johanna was looking at her had struck her in the heart like an ax to the chest. In such short time this girl had crawled beneath Katniss's skin and alighted her nerves and fumbled her good sense. "Fine," Katniss acquiesced, still not looking at Johanna. "Where should I meet you?"

Johanna tried hard to suppress the look of unabashed hope on her face when Katniss agreed to talk to her. "Oh, um, well just come to the store. I'll make you the best coffee you've ever had and we can talk in my mom's workshop in the back." Katniss nodded and soundlessly walked away from Johanna and into the noisy locker room.

* * *

As Katniss walked down the Boulevard toward the general store, she tried to reason with herself. She hadn't ever had feelings for another girl before. In fact, she couldn't remember having feelings for anyone before. The age when teenagers begin evolving their sexual taste Katniss had just lost her father. It stunted her development like a nuclear bomb. Having romantic feelings for anyone seemed trivial and frivolous, even. Life was so precious but also so damned fleeting that what was the purpose? Even two people as in love as her parents could be severed at any time by the unpredictable and needlessly cruel hand of fate.

Many had tried to tell Katniss that it was God's intervention. That there was always a reason behind senseless crimes and accidents and diseases. "God works in mysterious ways" many had told her. But Katniss's religious convictions were dashed the moment that drunk driver had smashed into her father's car. No faith or grace or magical mystery machine in the sky was going to tell her that her father's death was necessary or logical. It was hard and cruel and unfair. Little kids dying of cancer, brides being murdered on their wedding day, people killing other people because of their sexual orientation or skin color or religion - none of that was explainable to Katniss.

So thinking along those lines Katniss became an atheistic fatalist. There was no room in that tiny shell for notions of romance or teenage crushes. Instead there was the monotony of schoolwork in a plodding, beige reel of life since that day. A few bright spots shone in her life - Primrose's growing up, hunting with Gale during the summer, participating in her archery tournaments - but the only lasting sunlight she had felt was within her attraction to Johanna.

She didn't really care that she might be gay or bisexual. The finality and inevitability of death made worrying about your sexual orientation seem silly. Who cares what other people thought? As Katniss had learned, other people shared their opinion whether you wanted it or not. It wasn't bravery or courage, either. It was simple pragmatism. If you could find someone to make you happy, why waste time worrying what set of genitalia they had? Life was too short. She had never thought of it that way before meeting Johanna.

That was why, partly at least, she had reacted so strongly to Johanna having sex with someone else. For whatever reason she had invested so much of her potential happiness in Johanna in a short time and she saw it all dashed. She stepped inside the shop, the familiar bell ringing above her head. Music played softly inside the wood-paneled store, not nearly as loudly as when Katniss had encountered Johanna the first time.

_Last night I had a dream we were inseparably entwined. Like a piece of rope made out of two pieces of vine._

A dark-haired woman behind the counter appeared before Katniss. She looked remarkably like Johanna except Johanna's deep brown eyes were replaced with a soft hazel color and there were no red streaks in her hair. Johanna's typical darkness that shrouded her was not present, either. This woman exuded a friendly disposition that seemed infectious.

"Hello! Can I help you?" the woman greeted cheerfully, brushing her hands on her jeans. She was in remarkably good shape for a woman her age, Katniss noticed. A little round in the middle from age but otherwise she had strong, athletic limbs and a slim face.

"I'm looking for Jo? I was supposed to meet her here after school," Katniss explained timidly. The woman leaned on the counter in front of her, eyeing Katniss up and down.

"Oh. You must be Katniss." A weird silence dropped between them as the woman seemed to be appraising Katniss like she was a car on a showroom floor. A smile stretched on the woman's face and she extended her hand over the counter. "I'm Polly, Johanna's mother. Johanna's in the back there."

Katniss shook the woman's hand which was like a vice grip. She hid a wince as the woman let her hand go and nodded toward the back of the store. "Thank you. It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Mason."

Polly laughed, a hearty laugh unlike Johanna's. "Oh please. Call me Polly." Katniss nodded politely and went deeper into the store in search of the back room. She passed the bizarre things the Masons had for sale: plungers, plastic pool toys, cordless home phones, stained glass windchimes.

_So now I look at love like being stabbed in the heart. You torture each other from day to day and then one day you part._

Johanna was sat atop a wooden workman's bench, her feet crossed Indian-style beneath her knees. Two steaming cups of coffee were in front of her, filling the room with the earthy and sweet scent. Katniss entered the room and slowly took the whole room in. It was clearly Polly's workshop; tools were everywhere, hung with methodic care by size and type along the pegs on the walls. Unfinished pieces of furniture and other knick-knacks were strewn about the other workbenches that lined the room. The underlying scent of varnish and sawdust reminded Katniss of Johanna herself. Rustic, sweet, with just a hint of heady toxicity.

Katniss hopped up on the table across from Johanna, mirroring her sitting position and placing her hands on either side of her mug of coffee. She took a sip from the dark liquid and smiled as it went down her throat. It was a little sweeter than she normally took her coffee, but it was delicious. "Thanks for meeting me here," Johanna said, not looking up from her cup of coffee. "I'm sorry that I'm kind of a fuck up."

Katniss let out a short laugh as she took another sip of Johanna's amazing coffee. Somewhere in her mind, she was traveling to a faraway place. A place where she woke up with Johanna and the smell of this coffee. Smelling the sharp scent of newsprint as she leafed through the Sunday paper, Johanna across from her plucking leisurely at a guitar. They'd share a loving look over the steam of their coffees. Johanna, in her typical impatience, would put her instrument down and sit crossways on Katniss's lap and kiss her, sharing the taste of coffee and cherry pastries on her tongue.

The reverie disappeared into the air like the wisps of sawdust around them as Katniss focused back on Johanna. "I don't think you're a fuck up."

Johanna quirked the corner of her mouth into a lopsided smile. "You don't know me very well yet." The raven-haired girl let out a very long sigh and ran her fingers through her bangs and the rest of her hair, mussing it up into a messy pile. "I don't like to beat around the bush so I'll just come out with it." Johanna pressed her lips together tightly. "I got jealous and stupid when you talked to Peeta. I got like fourth-wheeled and didn't know what to do. So I got very, very drunk."

"I was drunk too."

Johanna inclined her head to the left. "Yeah not as drunk as I was. And when I'm drunk I make really, truly awful decisions. Like Cashmere." Katniss tensed, her hands still wrapped around her mug. The image of Johanna giving that blonde bimbo pleasure made Katniss want to set the older girl on fire. She imagined putting her on a medieval breaking wheel and shooting arrows into her. That probably wasn't normal. "She and I have a little history and I just kind of lost my head."

"I didn't know Cashmere was gay. She doesn't ...seem the type? If that's appropriate?"

Johanna let out a very severe laugh and shook her pile of black hair. "Cashmere's not gay. She's a certified fucking pin-straight, daughter-of-Republicans, trust fund baby. I'm the only girl she's ever slept with. It started out as a drunk hook-up when I was a freshman and she was a sophomore at some stupid party. Then it became this regular thing, us getting wasted and having sex. We've been doing it off and on since that night. Whenever one of us gets the itch, we just go for it. We don't even like each other."

"Sounds convenient," Katniss replied derisively, glaring down into her cup of coffee. She sipped the liquid again, trying to process that information. These two very disparate people using each other for something that Katniss saw as an act of love, not some vulgar way to pass the time in a small town.

Johanna sighed. "It is, I guess. I stopped asking her to meet me a while ago, now she just calls me. But Saturday night, that was all on me." Johanna bit the inside of her cheek and looked over at Katniss. "I really like you. I've never really liked anyone before so I don't exactly know how to handle myself. Clearly my decision-making skills need some work because getting drunk was not exactly my finest moment. But two things I don't do well are ...romantic feelings and jealousy. Both of them turn me into a raging idiot evidently."

Katniss's mind had stuck on Johanna's confession. She  _really liked_  her. What did that mean? She knew Johanna "really liked" her by the way she had held her and danced with her. Katniss thought maybe Johanna would chalk that all up to inebriated lust. But the strange undercurrent of tenderness Katniss saw in Johanna's eyes that night had indicated that mustn't be true.

"In any case I apologize. Deeply. I want to have a fresh start with you, if you'll let me. I do make good coffee, right?"

Katniss laughed and nodded her head at the other girl. She decided that Johanna was utterly adorable when she was embarrassed. It was such a far cry from her usual facade of indifference and confidence and wholly endearing. "Your one redeeming quality so far. Other than good taste in music. Revolver is amazing."

Katniss adored the way Johanna's eyes lit up when she made her comment about the record. Johanna was so genuinely pleased that Katniss liked her recommendation and that they were on a topic she was much more comfortable with. "I'm so glad you liked it. It's kind of a litmus test to see if we could even be acquaintances. I can't even begin to fathom a friendship with someone who can't appreciate the underrated Beatles tunes."

"Oh is that right? Was that your test? How charming," Katniss teased tightly, pinching Johanna's calf through her jeans. "I just figured that was your socially awkward way of flirting."

Johanna's cheeks reddened as she ran her tongue along her lips. "Not fair. I'm not a bad flirt. Only with you," she murmured that last sentence, darting her eyes to the dust-covered cement floor beneath them.

Katniss couldn't help the teasing smile on her lips. "Why's that? 'Cos you  _really like_ me?"

Johanna's eyes flared. "You're treading on thin ice now, Everdeen."

But Katniss didn't back down. Not when she finally had Johanna against the ropes. Ever since they met Katniss felt like she was always swinging second. But not today. Today Johanna was trying to impress  _her_. Stripped of her layer of bullet-proof confidence she had to fend for herself against Katniss's teasing. "Oh am I? And what do you plan on doing about that,  _Mason_?"

As Katniss raised her mug to her lips Johanna gently took it from her, placing it to their right. She moved her own mug to the right as well. She leaned forward on her knees, coating her jeans in the debris on the table. She rested her palms directly in front of Katniss's knees, her face just an inch from Katniss's. She could smell, almost taste, the sweet coffee on Katniss's breath. Being so near her was like sitting on the edge of the ocean, letting the strong undercurrent pull at your legs.

Her lips met Katniss's so tentatively they barely touched. The lightest of touches, like a drop of dew on a flower petal sent an absolute pure electric shock through Johanna's body. Never in all her kisses had her body reacted so strongly to something so gentle. She pressed on further, flicking her tongue out quickly to taste the residual coffee on Katniss's bottom lip. Katniss's hand wrapped around the back of Johanna's neck, deepening their kiss with an unexpected intensity that Katniss was unaware she held in reserve for such occasions.

There had never been such an occasion before. This was her first kiss ever. She wasn't one of those girls that dreamed about their first kiss, like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries. If she had, she never would have guessed that kissing another girl in a pulpy-smelling workshop on top of a table would be how it wold go. Or that it would make her entire body buzz and her breath shaky.

They pulled away from their kiss slowly, each of them with their eyes closed. Katniss opened her eyes first, resisting the urge to kiss Johanna again since her eyes were closed and she couldn't stop her. The amount of pure necessity she felt inside Johanna's kiss was frightening. The sensation had possessed her body and soul, tightening her chest and setting her nerves ablaze.

Johanna blinked very slowly, incapable of moving her eyes from the mouth of the girl across from her. Human beings are funny in that way. Big emotions like sadness and anger are felt everywhere - you feel it in your brain, in the swelling of your throat, in the restriction of your chest, the adrenaline or fatigue in your muscles. But passion... passion consumed your very soul. It wasn't just a physical tingling, it was an emotional mouse trap that caught your every thought.

Johanna felt her entire world begin to get colored by Katniss. Her bed would now feel empty without Katniss, her wardrobe would be full of things Katniss liked or didn't, her music would now be a library for her to enchant Katniss with, her thoughts would be divided between what she would tell Katniss and what she would keep to herself. Plans for the future would now have to be widened and envelope Katniss within them. Because in that kiss she felt her entire life get swallowed whole.

Funny how one moment can change your entire life. How funny and how absolutely terrifying. Both girls sat there, Johanna back on her heels, Katniss still cross-legged, simultaneously feeling petrified and exalted. If they didn't go slowly, Johanna was sure they would both drown.

* * *

 

Music: "Something Good" from The Sound of Music and "2 Atoms in a Molecule" by Noah and the Whale. And the previous chapter was "Stay the Night" by Zedd featuring Hayley Williams.


	5. Chapter 5

_Your lips when we speak are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire._

Johanna hummed quietly to herself as she leaned against a locker, ear buds securely inside her ears to block out the droning din of her classmates. Her next class was English and it was not one of her favorites. While she appreciated objectively the necessity for the class, she hated nearly everyone in it. Neither Finnick, Annie nor Katniss were in the class. Not even Smiley Peeta Mellark. Instead it was an insufferable bunch of elitist kids from First and Second Street: Cashmere's younger sister Glimmer, Enobaria, and a host of other equally dull and grating members of Panem High School.

For the time being she was waiting for Katniss to leave the room so they could speak briefly before she had to get to her next class. "Excuse me, you're standing in front of my locker." Glimmer crossed her arms and stood in front of Johanna, shooting daggers at the dark-haired girl. The Shins were playing too loudly in Johanna's ears for her to hear her but by her body language and cross stare, she assumed there was an issue.

_'Cos you know as soon as breathe we scrutinize._

Yanking one of the ear buds out she slowly looked up to lock eyes with the petite blonde. Glimmer was just as vapid as Cashmere, but she was even more unbearable because at least Cashmere was good for a roll in the hay every once in a while. Glimmer was only good for wasting precious oxygen and consuming fossil fuels. "Is there a problem, Shiny?"

Glimmer pinched her features in anger at Johanna's nickname for her. "Are you deaf as well as a loser?" Glimmer spread her lips in a smug grin as a few of her craw chuckled at her "joke." "I said you're in front of my locker. Move."

Johanna glanced behind her. There was no way it was Glimmer's locker because the juniors had their section in a different part of the school. "I don't see your name on it."

Glimmer inclined her head and pursed her glittery lips. Another thing on the long list of things Johanna adored about Katniss was how minimal her make-up was. The girls at PHS typically wore an atrocious amount of the stuff; caking it on their faces like they were always about to grace a vaudeville stage. Katniss could show up with grimy smudges on her face and still look one hundred times more attractive than these girls.

"It certainly doesn't say 'Dyke Parking' so fucking take your K.D. Lang music and get the fuck off my locker." Another long round of snickers came from behind Glimmer, who was smugly staring at Johanna with her light green eyes.

Johanna inwardly cringed. She hated the word 'dyke.' It was highly offensive and corrosive to her spirit. Of course the moment you let someone use it against you as a weapon, the more it hurt. Johanna's theory was that if she didn't acknowledge the pain then it didn't exist. This theory, when tested, worked about zero percent of the time. Instead Johanna moved her face into the closest she could to indifference. As her mouth opened to speak Katniss suddenly appeared next to Johanna.

"Is there a problem?"

Glimmer's eyes moved slowly from Johanna to Katniss, eyeing the new girl up and down before settling her eyes on her face. "Did anyone invite you to this conversation, Everdeen?"

Katniss smiled. "I should have known I'd need an invitation. I mean there usually  _is_  a charge to go inside the freak show tent, right?" Glimmer looked appalled as Katniss stood next to Johanna confidently, a mild smile masking a deadly dose of anger.

The blonde looked over at Johanna. "Is this your new girlfriend, Jo? Nobody who actually  _knows_ you would want to date you so you had to jump on the first thing with two legs and a vagina that crawled into Panem, hm?"

Katniss saw Johanna's entire body go taut with what she mistook for anger. However, she saw a glimpse of something she had never seen in her: fear. Somehow this idiot blonde was able to weasel her way underneath Johanna's skin like a bacterial infection. "She's not my girlfriend," Johanna denied hotly. "She's just my friend and back the fuck off, okay?" The small break in her voice undermined the authority she was trying to convey.

Glimmer tossed her long blonde hair back and laughed. "I hope for new girl's sake she isn't your girlfriend. Wouldn't want to start a new school already on the lowest rung of the ladder." Glimmer flicked her wrist and her clique followed her down the hallway. Johanna let out a breath she wasn't aware she was holding and leaned her back against her locker.

"What the fuck was that about?" Katniss asked as she looked down the hallway after Glimmer. She remembered stupid, vain girls like that from her old school. Katniss had no time for them then and certainly didn't have time for them now. Especially if they were going to try and bully her girlfriend. Or, at least she thought Johanna was her girlfriend. They had kissed three weeks earlier and spent almost every day after school together since. This behavior seemed to speak against that.

"I'm sorry," Johanna apologized with a downcast gaze. "They're assholes."

"I can see that. I'm more wondering why you told them we weren't dating. I have a few memories of your lips that say otherwise." The upturned corner of her mouth indicated a joke but her tone was as flat as the horizon. "Are you embarrassed?"

Johanna's mouth gaped. "Embarrassed? Hardly. You're the prettiest girl in this school." Katniss darted her eyes to the side self-consciously. "But they're not wrong. Associating with me kind of leaves you in the muck with the rest of us."

"'Associating with you?' What are you, some kind of mafia criminal?" Katniss chuckled and went to tuck hair behind Johanna's ear but the shorter girl ducked out of her way. "Jo, please. I'm not ashamed of our relationship. Those moron girls aren't going to intimidate me."

Johanna scowled deeply. "You don't get it, Katniss. They can make your life a living hell." Her tone lowered to a whisper. "If they knew we were dating they'd start taking out their frustrations on you instead of me. I don't want that."

Katniss's eyebrow lifted nearly to her hairline. "And who says you make the decisions for me? For us?"

Johanna sigh. "This is  _high school_ , Katniss. We have to spend the next two years here. Why make it harder than it has to be? I'm used to their inane teasing anyway. They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you."

Katniss visibly bristled. "Okay, so you just get to decide that we're going to stay in the closet for the remainder of high school? I don't even get a vote? What the hell is this, 1910?"

Johanna chucked and shifted her weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. She had hoped that her position as Panem's Only Lesbian and apparent Popular Girl Punching Bag would not have reared its ugly head so soon. Unfortunately it had so she was stuck trying to do whatever she could to protect Katniss from the barbs of these vicious girls and boys. "You just got here, all right? You don't understand how this works."

Gray eyes narrowed in bewilderment. Where had this shrunken Johanna come from? Where was the confident, sexy Johanna she met that day in the shop and danced with at the party? Where was her hot girlfriend who found nooks and crannies in the library to press Katniss up against and kiss her until she could barely stand?

What had these horrible girls done to her to make her so afraid? "Fine," Katniss breathed. She watched as Johanna relaxed her muscles and a small smile broadened across her face. "But for the record I am not happy about this." She squeezed Johanna's hand in lieu of kissing her and took off down the hallway toward her next class.

Johanna watched her go with wide, sad eyes. She wished she could be more open with Katniss at school since the bulk of their time was spent there. But it wouldn't be worth the constant bullying and Johanna knew the moment someone crossed Katniss that she would get expelled. Because that person would be hanged from the nearest flagpole by their entrails of they spoke an unkind word to her.

It was for everyone's protection, really.

* * *

_The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You've left me in the dark._

Johanna's tiny portable radio softly pushed the music through its tiny speakers and out into the front room of the Everdeen home. For the first hour or so that Johanna was inside the old piano attempting to tune it, that was the only noise. Until Prim took a sudden interest in her and never left.

"Does this usually take three hours?"

"How long have you been doing this for?"

"What's that noise?"

"Is it dusty in there?"

Johanna closed her eyes and let out a long, deliberate breath. Tuning a piano is a delicate, sensitive operation that requires a lot of tedious concentration. Unfortunately the last three hours Johanna had been surrounded by Primrose Everdeen like bees around a hive. A constant, buzzing presence flying around her head as she sat on the hardwood floor of Katniss's front room trying to tune their old piano.

"Prim, please, could you leave Johanna alone for two seconds? She can't tune it right if you're in the way. Otherwise the entire piano will sound like your chirpy bird voice, Little Duck." Katniss ushered a disappointed Primrose out of their room and up their stairs. Once the blonde girl was safely but begrudgingly in her room Katniss returned to Johanna.

She placed herself on the piano bench next to where Johanna was cross-legged beneath the piano keys. Her outfit choice had been purposeful: a flower-print dress that barely covered her knees and a pair of small platform red heels that matched the roses on her skirt. Even though Johanna's attention was on the small hammers inside the piano, just like in class, or the hallway, or the back of her mother's workshop; eventually her attention would return to Katniss's legs.

Johanna leaned back onto her palms next to the piano bench, her eyes traveling from the bottom of Katniss's heel, up the smooth tan surface of her legs, to the hem of her skirt, up to her smug gray eyes. The dark-haired girl did nothing to hide the lust in her brown eyes. "You know very well by now that I cannot concentrate when you parade your...your..."

_No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight. In the shadow of your heart._

"My what?" Katniss's light voice cut into Johanna's sentence. She very slowly crossed and uncrossed her legs with her unwavering gaze focused on the girl sitting on her floor. She had invited Johanna over under the guise of tuning their old piano because her mother was supposed to take Prim out and they could've been alone. Unfortunately Prim was too tickled by Johanna's visit to be persuaded to leave.

Johanna's jaw flexed. "Katniss," she warned. It was late November and Katniss's dress was inappropriate for the brisk fall weather. The moment Johanna had stepped in the doorway and saw Katniss done up like Anne Gwynne with her hair pulled back and up into an intricate bun and her dress tied around her neck she had almost dropped her tools on the ground in surprise. Katniss knew the effect she had over Johanna and had been exploiting it nearly every day since their kiss. Johanna was trying to practice restraint; every time she slept with a girl it fizzled too quickly and she was left grasping at smoke. She spent the wick of the relationship in one night and left nothing to light up any other day. But Katniss was different. Johanna didn't want to use up their passion in some short night. She wanted it to burn slowly.

However Katniss, with her short skirts and her persistent kisses was dissolving her resolve. And it was absolutely designed toward undoing Johanna. They had been a couple for over two months and they had barely gone beyond some addictive but generally chaste make-out sessions. Typical teenaged fare of sneaking into broom closets at school or late nights in the back of Johanna's old car.

_Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you._

"You know what," Johanna chastised. The late afternoon sun sleepily cast into the room, illuminating the golden flecks in Katniss's hair. She slapped her hands together in a "job done" manner and pushed herself into a standing position. Her tools clanked noisily as she cleared the small clutter she had made.

"You're done?" Surprise and disappointment was evident Katniss's tone as she stood from the piano bench. Johanna switched the radio off and placed it in her tool box with the rest of her miscellany.

Johanna smiled, amused. "Yes only a short three hours later," she replied with an eye roll. The shorter girl sat on the bench, gingerly pressing the pedals beneath the piano. Slowly her fingers traced over the ivory keys like the wandering hands of a new lover. She pressed down in the keys experimentally to test our their sound. The noise was wonderful; the melodic echo of the hammers in the old wooden piano gave her goosebumps with its antique clarity. Pianos were much like people in that their every part felt different from one another even though their insides were generally the same. They all responded to a different type of touch.

Without much thought she began teasing out an old tune she knew by heart. Katniss sat on the bench next to her watching Johanna's fingers glide effortlessly across the keys. Between pottery class and her musical talent, Katniss was at a point somewhere beyond curiosity as to how Johanna's fingers felt all over her skin. Johanna hummed the melody as she accompanied herself, her eyes closed delicately like she was taking an afternoon nap.

__I used to be color-blind. But I met you and now I find there's green in the grass. There's gold in the moon. There's blue in the skies._   
_

The front door clicked open slowly and Katniss whirled around on the bench so her back was facing the piano. She watched her mother come in and she placed her fingers on her lips to silence her. Mrs. Everdeen stood perplexed in the doorway, white plastic bags straining from her wrists. She exaggeratedly tip-toed into the kitchen to place the bags down, eager to not disturb the beautiful music filling her home. No one had played that old piano since her husband had died. It was old and went out of tune almost immediately after his death as if it knew the music in their home had perished with him.

_Believe me it's really true 'til I met you I never knew. A setting sun could paint such beautiful skies._

The blonde-haired woman smiled from the foyer and watched Johanna at the piano. She began to sing softly to the familiar tune. Johanna was breathing life into the old piece of junk just a she had breathed life into her daughter. The dazed delusion of teenage love seemed to clear the fog from Katniss in only a few weeks. She put no stock in their relationship; young love is passionate but notoriously fickle. But she whole-heartedly invested in the temporary solace Johanna provided Katniss. Happiness, however brief, is always worth it when it can be found.

_I never knew there were such lovely colors. And the big surprise is the red in your cheeks, the gold in your hair, the blue in your eyes._

Primrose came bounding down the stairs in her typical clumsy fashion. The gawky girl stopped at the foot of the stairs as she took in the bizarre tableau she had come across. Her mother standing next to her father's old piano singing softly as Johanna tinkled the keys delicately. She caught her sister's eye and they shared a puzzled but pleased look.

Johanna finished the song with a small melodic flourish and flushed deeply when the three other women clapped enthusiastically. "Would you like to stay for dinner Johanna? As a thank you for that tedious work?"

"It was no bother at all. I'm glad I could help. This is a really fu-" She cast a glance toward Prim. "A really great piano. Fantastic, actually."

Mrs. Everdeen smiled fondly. "My husband was very enamored with that instrument."

"I can see why. They don't make the uprights like this anymore. The woodwork inside is amazing." Johanna picked up her toolbox and started toward the door. "I appreciate the offer but it's okay. I should get home to my mom. Thanks though."

Mrs. Everdeen nodded and went to busy herself in the kitchen putting away their groceries. Katniss followed Johanna to the door, opening her mouth to speak when Prim ducked under her arm and stood between them. "Hey Jo would you be able to teach me piano? Daddy was supposed to teach me but he never did."

Katniss shared a helpless look with Johanna who averted her gaze down to the blue-eyed girl. "I could try. Why don't you talk it over with your mom first and then have Katniss let me know, okay?"

Prim nodded and wrapped her arms around Johanna's torso tightly. The affectionate gesture caused the older girl to visibly tense and pat Prim's head awkwardly. The little girl took off into the kitchen and Katniss leaned into Johanna, placing her hands on the shorter girl's hips. "Am I going to see you later?"

Her lips curled into a smirk. "Do you want to?" She already knew the answer to that but she enjoyed hearing the answer. In place of responding Katniss leaned down and kissed her girlfriend. Johanna pulled away and kissed the top of Katniss's nose lovingly. "Stay over tonight. My mom is going away for the weekend after dinner."

Katniss's gray eyes widened. They had never spent a night together. Her confidence quavered for a second before she answered. "Yes! What time?"

Johanna shrugged. "Whenever you want. My mom is leaving around five." Katniss gripped the sides of Johanna's neck and pressed their lips together in another, hungrier kiss before pulling away. Katniss couldn't help the smile spread across her face at Johanna's lost expression after she kissed her. Each and every time they kissed she always looked like it was the first time. It filled her stomach with a feeling like she had drank too much; warm and lightheaded and happy.

Once she closed the door behind Johanna she turned to walk into the kitchen where her mother was already prepping dinner. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen and casually leaned against the doorframe. When her mother turned from their stove she immediately narrowed her eyes at her daughter. "Whatever it is, I can already feel myself saying no."

Katniss crossed her arms. "Can I stay over Jo's tonight?" Her mother paused mid-wipe of her hands on her apron. "See? Not so bad. You love Johanna."

Mrs. Everdeen looked over her reading glasses at Katniss. She could feel the anxious hope radiating off Katniss in waves. Her motherly instinct screamed no. An unsupervised sleepover between two newly in love teenagers spelled disaster. But the slightly more rational part of her brain that remembered seventeen-years-old wanted to relent.

"I assume Polly won't be present?" Katniss's silence spoke for her. "I'm sure you realize why this makes me uncomfortable. You know I like Johanna very much."

"Nothing's going to happen. Trust me." _I've tried_  were the unspoken words just on the outside of her answer.

Mrs. Everdeen let out a sigh. Had it really been that long since Katniss was just a little girl with a braid in her hair and a shy disposition? Now here she was, nearly a woman, about to have her first night over in a romantic partner's home. Confidence spilling over the edges like an overfilled wine cup. Just in the last two months alone Katniss's attitude had changed quickly: she was lively and engaging, doing well in school, and nearly as cheerful as she had been when her father was alive.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Katniss repeated excitedly. She scampered forward and hugged her mother tightly.

Mrs. Everdeen rolled her eyes in a feigned exapseration. "Yes yes you can go. Just eat dinner with your sister and I first." Katniss called a million thank you's over her shoulder as she leapt up the stairs and began to furiously overpack for her stay with Johanna. Her mother had been considerably more understanding when she "came out" to her a few days after her first kiss in the shop. A new light had been opened between them by the easy exchange. Katniss had always felt more of a kismet with her father, but her mother was starting to understand her as well. Or maybe Katniss was finally receptive to it.

* * *

_The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby. Plannin's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich._

"I told you," Johanna said with a husk in her voice. She stared up at her ceiling that was partially clouded by smoke. Was it the ceiling? Or her vision? By the third joint Johanna knew her perception despite her tolerance of the stuff, was beginning to be questionable. "This record is off the hook. But it's even better to have a little help."

After they had watched  _Blue Is The Warmest Colour_  Johanna brought Katniss up to her room to listen to music. She needed a distraction badly because her choice in film didn't exactly make it easy to keep her hands to herself. The love scene alone had stirred inside her stomach and she couldn't even look at Katniss. She was deeply struck by the gorgeous film and even more so by the superb score and soundtrack. But she was about to hang Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux for inciting her insides.

Katniss, however, had spent the bulk of the film watching Johanna watch the screen. She didn't understand French and detested reading subtitles so she settled on watching Johanna's chest rise and fall erratically depending on the scene. Watching the slow crawl of blush creep up her breastplate and to her neck during the sex scene.

Katniss enjoyed being in Johanna's room. It was a loft in the top part of the home with sharply angled ceilings almost entirely covered in posters of rock bands Johanna loved and black and whites of jazz musicians Katniss didn't recognize. Her one wall was a massive built-in stuffed with vinyl records, the other two large bookcases overflowing with books. A far corner housed around twelve instruments - an electric and acoustic guitar, a drum set equipped with various percussion instruments, a small piano, several brass instruments and the zenith of her collection: her massive record player. It was Johanna all over: it looked like her, smelled like her.

The weed they shared was particularly fragrant and while she was not unaccustomed to getting high, Katniss felt an overwhelming calming clarity as she lay next to Johanna on the bed. Every moment she had spent with her that night had been wonderful. The beautiful film, the buttery popcorn, the soft feel of Johanna's skin against hers as they curled on the couch, the heat coming off of Johanna as she blatantly gawked during the explicit sex scenes. All of it had been amazing.

_I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it._

Katniss looked over at Johanna who was eyes-closed blissfully listening to the music. Her hair was down and splayed across her pillow, her figure hidden beneath a tight fitting mauve tank top and a loose pair of grey sweatpants. Her face recently washed free of make up except for the near permanent line of eyeliner under her lids.

Katniss rolled over and positioned both get knees on either side of Johanna's thighs. She watched those deep brown eyes fly open like a doll and stare up confusedly at her. "What are you doing?" Johanna's breathless voice came up from beneath her.

"We've been together two months and you have barely tried to touch me." Katniss's hair fell to the side as she examined Johanna's facial reactions. "Do you not find me attractive?"

"What?" Johanna immediately replied, her eyes as large as chestnuts. "You can't possibly think that. You have no idea, the effect you can have."

"The effect? Me?"

Johanna smiled. She pushed herself up so their stomachs touched and braced her weight back on the palms of her hands. "Yes you."

Katniss protruded her lower lip. "I don't understand you then. You like me, want to date me, yeah?" Johanna nodded in place of words. "Mm okay. But you don't want to have sex with me? And you want nobody but our moms to know we're together." Katniss chuckled at Johanna's scandalized look. "It's just a question."

Johanna let a soft silence fall between them like a lightly falling snow. The whole night had been so perfect that she didn't want to dare and ruin it with clumsy words. "Finnick and Annie know," she protested weakly. "Katniss..."

The beginning of her sentence was interrupted by the other girl slowly tracing the pads of her fingers along Johanna's lips. "I like the way your mouth moves when you say my name."

The darker-haired girl's chest bubbled in an amused laugh, bouncing Katniss minimally with the movement. "You are so blazed love," Johanna affectionately replied, stroking Katniss's cheek with the back of her hand. "Let's go to sleep."

_Maybe love won't let you down. All of your failures are trainin' grounds. And just as your back is turned you'd be surprised, she says, as your solitude subsides._

The gray-eyed girl stared down hard at her girlfriend before obediently sliding off of her and flopping on to her back. Johanna got off the bed and pulled the needle from the record. She padded back across the room, turning off the light beside them as she got underneath her covers.

"Good night," Johanna murmured, finding Katniss's lips in the dark and kissing her chastely.

Katniss remained unmoved. She turned over and faced the opposite wall, eyes wide open. Her mind betrayed the rest of her muscles and kept her agonizingly awake. Johanna's breathing became soft and shallow when Katniss spoke up again. "I'm sorry I just don't get it."

Johanna released an annoyed sigh. "What? How to sleep? Close your eyes and count sheep or some shit brainless." Her voice was a lower timbre than normal and tingled down Katniss's spine like fingertips.

Katniss huffed haughtily and turned over with more exertion than necessary to rouse Johanna from the edge of sleep. "No,  _brainless_ , why you won't sleep with me."

Johanna sighed a mournful breath and turned over. "I'm  _trying_  to sleep with you and you won't shut up."

Katniss glared. "You know what I meant. You slept with fucking Cashmere with no problem but suddenly you're Sister Johanna Mason sworn to celibacy with me." Katniss reached over Johanna's body so their torsos pressed together tightly and she turned the lamp on to see Johanna's face. The faint yellow glow illuminated the rueful and guilty expression Johanna wore. "Don't you want me?"

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. You know I do."

Katniss pupils, dilated in both inebriation and desire, nearly blocked out the gray of her eyes as she squinted at Johanna. "So take me."

Johanna's stomach fluttered hard. It wasn't butterflies in there: it was chainsaw-wielding dragons tearing up her insides. "Katniss please. It's not that I don't want you or that I don't find you attractive. You're the most stunning girl I've ever seen and I want you in all inches of me. You consume me whole." Katniss stayed hovered above her, propped up on her elbow. "I don't want to ruin this," she admitted, softening her voice. "I'm not good at this and to be honest you scare the shit out of me."

"Scare you?" The incredulity in her voice was plain as paper.

"Yes you scare me. I'm afraid that I'm going to fuck this up and it'll be over." Johanna's brown eyes stared down toward her magenta blanket.

_I'll teach you how to swim if you turn the bad in me into good again._

The thought had occurred to Katniss before. It was clear as day that Johanna, for all her sexuality and past lovers, was completely inexperienced in terms of romance. Katniss never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend so she didn't know the rules either. All she knew was how bodily she craved Johanna whenever she was near. And when she wasn't. She pragmatically figured they'd fumble their way through their relationship until the newness wore off and it became more comfortable. Isn't that how love worked? Fumbling awkwardly until you hit the solid foundation of your love and work your way up from there? Katniss didn't know.

"I'm sorry," came Katniss's gentle reply. She placed her head in the crook of Johanna's arm and wrapped her arm protectively around Johanna's waist. "I understand."

"Do you?" Her eyebrows rose questioningly.

"Yes. I don't want to ruin anything either. We'll go slow. I suppose when the time is right we'll know." Her tone was less convincing than her words. Johanna reached over and switched off her lamp, closing the discussion for the night.

"Good night, Jo." Katniss nuzzled into Johanna's arm and found herself suddenly drowsy by the light pine and flower scent of Johanna's skin. They fell asleep that way: entangled in each other, nerves somehow both on fire with unspent energetic arousal and calmed by the presence of the other.

_And I say there's trouble when everything is fine. The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time._

* * *

Music: "Girl Inform Me" by The Shins, "Cosmic Love" by Florence + The Machine, "I Used to be Color Blind" by Ella Fitzgerald or Fred Astaire, "The Absence of God" by Rilo Kiley.


	6. Chapter 6

Most teenagers enjoy summer - the freedom from school, the sunny beach weather, the warm nights - but Johanna enjoyed the cold. She liked the soft quiet of snow, the bloated gray clouds that waddled in front of the deceivingly cold blue sky, the bundling of scarves and coats. And now that she was with Katniss, she enjoyed the red blush on Katniss's cheeks as they met the sharp slap of wind in the air. Each day she waited on the corner of her block for Katniss and Prim to come down the sidewalk, breathing the brittle wind as she did so. She waited to see the blips of brown and blonde hair through the fat snow and the rosy cheeks of her girlfriend.

_I'd say you make a perfect angel in the snow. All crushed out on the way you are._

Winter spelled death for a lot of things - flowers, warmth, trees, bare skin, easy walks through clear streets - but to Johanna it always smelled fresh. Snow covered everything that was within the earth and froze it, keeping the nutrients ready for the inevitable warming of spring. That particular day there was an overcast above her head, drooping pregnant gray clouds pushing out large but light crystals of snow. Johanna shoved her hands into the pocket of her wool coat and tilted her head back to stare at the sky. Her tongue automatically emerged from her mouth to catch the fresh flakes and feel them melt in her mouth.

The February wind wrapped around her as she waited for the sisters to arrive on her block. While Katniss was fairly punctual, Prim was a time-sucking disaster who took decades to get ready for anything. When she finally saw the peek of blonde hair bouncing down the sidewalk a smile widened on her face, even though they would probably be five minutes late. She withdrew one of her earbuds from her ear and tucked it into her coat.

It was worth it though, to see Katniss's reddened face approach her happily, hurrying her sister alongside her. "Keep up, Little Duck! We're going to be late." Johanna heard Katniss's voice through the gentle snow and smiled. Once the girls got to her she took Katniss's gloved hand in her own. "I'm sorry," Katniss said, leaning down slightly to kiss Johanna on the cheek as they begin their short trek to the school. Immediately her hand replaced her lips on Johanna's face. "You're freezing."

"I  _have_ been waiting about ten minutes in the freezing cold because some little blonde wants to look pretty for her boyfriend." Prim nudged Johanna as she walked beside her, a pale red blush coming across her alabaster skin. Prim let out a small whine and Johanna sighed. "I know, I know, he's 'not' your boyfriend. He's just a boy you talk about nonstop every time I come over to teach you piano."

Prim gave a haughty sigh and compressed her lips. Katniss chuckled at the exchange, letting go of Johanna's hand in favor of wrapping it around her arm and snuggling into her side as they walked. Winter could never feel cold with Katniss leaning into her like that. The season was only cold if you were lonely, otherwise there was warmth to be found inside the curled embrace of someone else. While she missed seeing Katniss's extraordinary legs in skirts and shorts, she was just as lovely in thick jeans and knit scarves.

_Don't you know that I love you? Sometimes I feel like a cold still life that fell down here to lay beside you._

Johanna was still insistent that they keep their relationship a secret even though it was becoming increasingly difficult to avoid the natural touches between them. It had gotten to the point where she'd text Katniss a set of coordinates - bathroom, north wing, second floor, ten minutes - and meet her there to kiss her until they both saw stars. She was also still insistent that they not become intimate in spite of Katniss's repeated attempts to persuade her otherwise.

It was getting harder and harder every day for Johanna to resist the primal urge inside her to explore their relationship further. Sex had always been very easy for her. It came as naturally to her as breathing and walking; more accurately, it came to her like music. You could wax poetic all day about the similarities between music and sex - Johanna was equally talented and interested in both. However, her interest in sex was not as deep as her love of music. She could spend weeks poring over a great classical piece but she could only spend a few hours with a girl before she was bored.

She had never "come out" in any sort of strict sense of the term. Her preteen days were spent plowing through lesbian movies she downloaded online and fawning over posters of attractive women on her walls. Of course there was that lost year she spent absolutely  _hating_ herself for having these thoughts, nearing full-blown homophobia until her mother finally intervened and set her "straight." Johanna never took for granted her mother's wide open acceptance. She wouldn't have been herself without it.

The first time she had ever kissed a girl was at summer camp when she was thirteen. Some girl from another town that she never saw again; a freckled brunette named Jamie with murky eyes and full, kissable lips. The first time she had slept with a girl was Cashmere back when she had just entered high school. There was nothing particularly special about it. They got drunk at a party and somehow fumbled their way upstairs and ended up having an awkward but exhilarating night of discovering how their bodies worked.

Cashmere demanded they not tell anyone for a myriad of reasons: Johanna was a freshman, a girl, not exactly popular, and all of the above would ruin Cashmere's carefully constructed reputation. Johanna had no qualms about obliging this deal and used the experience to embolden her sexual prowess. In a matter of only three years she had slept with another handful of girls, each time seducing a girl who had never been with a female before. She became addicted to the thrilling passion of bringing a girl to a place she had never been before. Johanna enjoyed the sensation of eliciting reactions from her partner that she never experienced. It was like peeling the plastic off of a new electronic.

The churning of the gears in her mind cranked differently as she and Katniss slowly coupled. For both their sakes, she had been putting off getting to that step. Her past experiences had taught her one thing: sex was the death of the thrill. Once a girl was had, all her vulnerabilities and skin laid bare, there was little more to her that Johanna cared about. It reminded her of a song she really loved: " _Talking leads to touching, touching leads to sex...and then there is no mystery left._ " What was beyond that step for them? She didn't know.

Today was special. It was February 16th, which meant exactly two months until Junior Prom. The walls of the school were a smattering of blood red and crisp white posters depicting the "Roarin' Twenties" theme the class had chosen for the event. It was a '20s style dress-up dance held in the larger gym inside the school, and in spite of its campy theme it was still a big deal with the stressed class. The process of beginning to select colleges and prepare for the next year was always a stressor on the sixteen and seventeen year olds. To alleviate this, the junior prom was held a month before the senior one to give them something to break up the endless amount of applications and midterms that normally plagued that time of year.

For Johanna, that meant asking Katniss a very important question: If she would mind going to prom together. In one of their many small arguments about being "closeted" Katniss had repeatedly said the only compromise she would make would be agreeing to this forced abstinence in exchange for being "out" at school. Going to prom officially as a couple would settle that argument and hopefully stave off Katniss for a while.

As their relationship had progressed over the last six months, Johanna realized she was being unreasonable. She didn't need to protect Katniss, especially if she didn't want the protection. So since the beginning of the year she and Finnick had been brainstorming ideas on how to ask Katniss to prom. This way Katniss could have both things she wanted - to be out  _and_  to go to prom.

She ruled out some big announcement or an attention-getting gesture. She also didn't want to decorate her locker or do something tired and cheesy. Instead they decided on something they both thought Katniss would like: Archery.

A few miles outside of town there was an archery range that Johanna knew Katniss like to frequent. A week earlier Johanna had approached the owner, a kind older man who knew Katniss well by now, and asked about putting together a special archery range just for her, for just one day. On February 16th Johanna would drive Katniss to her bi-weekly archery lesson, but the targets would be a little different. They would be equipped with a special mechanism Johanna had built herself in woodshop.

Finnick could barely contain his excitement and both Annie and Johanna had to keep him away from Katniss for the entire week leading to the date. But his nervousness was contagious and as Johanna drove to the archery range with Katniss she felt herself fidgeting. Katniss watched her body language carefully, as she always did, with a delicate eye that detected even the smallest amount of movement.

"Is everything all right?" Katniss ventured in a soft voice, looking over at her girlfriend.

Johanna was quick with a smile and a tight-lipped response. "Of course!"

Gray eyes squinted in her direction but she let the topic drop as Johanna pulled the old car into the lot. She cut the engine and turned to Katniss, who was busy putting together her things. Johanna got out of the car and walked around to Katniss's door, pulling it open for her. Katniss smiled in thanks and got her duffel bag with her quiver and strapped her bow over her shoulder.

"You're coming in with me?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, I thought maybe I'd hang out for a few, if that's okay?"

Katniss tensed a little before she responded. She didn't like to show off but she was very good at archery. At one point she had been the best in her home state for three years in a row. She was on the verge of a national championship when her father had died. She would have given up on it entirely but it was one of her father's favorite things to do. She kept a part of him alive, she felt, by continuing to put the arrow on the bow and let it fly.

What harm would it do for Johanna to see just how good she was? "Sure."

They entered the facility and Katniss greeted the familiar faces behind the desks. Some of the range was indoors, mostly for beginners. Katniss preferred the outdoor range that was set on a large field of plowed-over grass and high walls made of bales of hay. Once she got her things together she noticed something strange. For starters, there was no one else using the targets. Additionally, there were only five targets instead of the usual eight.

A skeptical glance toward Johanna went unnoticed by the brown-eyed girl, who was busy eyeing the intricate woodwork on the outside of the facility. With her suspicion firmly in her bones she lifted the bow and aimed at the first target. After a few moments of concentration she let the arrow fly.

It sunk into the fabric of the target dead center and suddenly a huge wooden 'P' popped up behind it, bidden by the target itself. Johanna watched from behind Katniss, arms crossed over her chest. She bit down hard on her lower lip to subdue a smile that was fighting hard to emerge. Katniss moved a few feet to her right and went to hit the next target.

'R'

She side-stepped again to her right and hit the next one.

'O'

And the next one.

'M'

And the last one.

'?'

Her bow slowly was aimed toward the ground as she looked out into the range. Each target was rigged with a letter behind it, spelling out the words Johanna clearly couldn't have just said to her like a normal person. She whirled around on her heel and looked at the girl who was poorly suppressing a grin. "Really?" Johanna nodded eagerly. Katniss placed the bow on the ground and jogged to Johanna, throwing her arms around her shoulders and planting a large kiss on her. "Of course I'll go to prom with you."

Johanna was secretly relieved. In spite of the trouble she had gone through securing the range for them and engineering the pop-up letters, she wasn't sure Katniss would say yes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah you secret romantic." Katniss placed her hand on Johanna's sternum affectionately, her other hand cupped around the back of Johanna's head, gently stroking her hair. Katniss filled with an irregular pride at how she was the only one able to draw out this adorable, romantic side of Johanna. The abrasive, enigmatic side she showed at school was clearly a front for the sentimental girl beneath. She kissed her again, then pulled Johanna's head to rest on her shoulder.

"Together? Like,  _together_ -together?"

"Yeah," Johanna breathed onto Katniss's neck, giving her a small peck on her pulse. Katniss shivered. "Together-together."

* * *

As winter melted into spring, the blankets of snow on the ground rolled up into bundles to expose the fresh green grass underneath. They only had two full months of school left and Katniss was glad to see the white devilish material disappear. Johanna seemed to like the winter festivities of making angels in the snow, snow-tubing and freezing at night staring up at the clear, cold sky, but Katniss hated the staleness of it all.

She was overjoyed to see the ice melting into the streets, making little rivers and straits that lead to the gutters. She was even more overjoyed to be nearing the end of their junior year. Katniss had done much better this year than last and had diligently been applying to colleges near and far. Her SAT scores were high and her grades were good so she had the pick of any college she wanted.

Of course, college was the furthest thing from her mind tonight. It was an unseasonably warm April night and Katniss had all her windows open in her bedroom. She sat in front of her dresser applying her make-up for the prom dance. Johanna had given her several "helpful" jazz records and documentaries to get Katniss properly suited for the party. They played in the background as she applied a heavy dose of eyeliner around her eyes.

She had decided on a short flapper dress in a deep crimson with knee-high stockings and a pair of impossible to walk in stiletto heels. Her mother had found a long boa of ambiguous provenance that Katniss didn't question and she tossed it around her neck. Outside the loud rumble of a car engine brought a smile to her features as she gave herself a look in the mirror.

Johanna's pearl black car sat at the curb, rumbling loudly at the edge of the Everdeen property. Like Johanna did with all things, she took impeccable (near obsessive, Katniss thought) care of her car. She loved old things and her vehicle was no exception: A pristine 1966 Pontiac GTO with all its original parts. Katniss liked the smell of old leather and pine from the small air freshener that dangled from her rearview mirror.

_Hold you in my arms. I just wanted to hold you in my arms._

Her eyes scanned Johanna's outfit and it curled her lips into a smirk. She was wearing a tailored pinstripe suit and a wide-brimmed fedora. Instead of pants she wore a pinstripe skirt that cut just above her knee. In the small section between the two seats sat a wooden Tommy gun that rattled quietly with the shaking of the car's engine.

"We look like Bonnie and Clyde," Katniss remarked as Johanna accelerated and they took off toward Finnick's house.

Johanna chuckled and shook her head, reaching her hand over to adjust the knob on her radio. She refused to outfit the car with any sort of modern appliance so they were often forced to listen to some shoddy FM station on their trips in the car. "Bonnie Parker wished she was even a third as hot as you are," Johanna replied with a scoff.

_My life. You electrify my life. Let's conspire to ignite. All that souls that would die just to feel alive._

"Such a charmer," Katniss replied in a faux New-Yorker tone. "Such a sweetheart." Katniss pretended to chomp gum in her mouth much to Johanna's visible chagrin. She parked outside Finnick's house and the thunderous rumble of her car spoke instead of the car's horn. Finnick, dressed in a sharp black suit and a pair of spats, emerged from his home with Annie - dressed in a modest sequin black dress - hanging off his arm.

His hair was slicked back and Annie touched it lightly as they approached the car. Katniss got out to let them in behind her seat and the four of them were off toward the school. "Jo! Are you like the female Al Capone?"

"Excuse you, it's Stephanie St. Clair." Finnick raises a pale eyebrow and Johanna sighed. "Madam Queen? The most notorious female gangster in America?" No one in the car supplied any support and Johanna rolled her eyes. "Whatever, fine, yeah, a female Al Capone."

_But I'll never let you go. If you promise not to fade away, not to fade away._

Once the car was parked and all four teenagers filed out of the vehicle, they stood at the threshold of the school together. This would be the first time anyone knew for a fact that Johanna and Katniss were a couple. Her palms were slightly clammy and despite the Tommy gun she had made from wood strapped to her back, she felt defenseless. The two of them were at the mercy of everyone inside.

Finnick and Annie opened the door to the gymnasium, flooding the outside with bright lights and neo-jazz music. Johanna stood still, wide brown eyes with tiny pupils trying to gather up the necessary courage to enter the building. Intuitive by nature, Katniss turned to Johanna, taking the girl's chin and forcing Johanna to look at her. Her heels added extra distance to their natural height difference; her mouth was perfectly at level with Johanna's nose most of the time, but tonight it was at her forehead so she found herself looking down at the other girl.

"Johanna Mason, do you need a pep talk?" Katniss asked with a hint of humor.

"More like a shot of tequila and a billy club to beat anyone who says anything." She looked up at her girlfriend and smiled weakly.

Katniss guided Johanna's lips toward hers and kissed her - when she felt her pulling away she slid her tongue along Johanna's bottom lip and pulled a shudder from within the dark-haired girl. The flash of desire in Johanna's eyes was very rapidly replaced by fear. "It doesn't matter what happens in there, Jo. Literally nothing they say or do or even how they look at us is going to change my mind about you."

Johanna sighed. "It's not just tonight. It's every day until we graduate."

"So what? So they're going to tease me? Big deal I've been teased all my life. I'm not very good at making friends and I'm not going to get better anytime soon." Katniss tucked her arm into Johanna's and guided them both into the gymnasium.

Johanna found herself expecting the scratching of a needle on a record, the immediate freezing of everyone in the room, or some kind of overblown comical reaction. No one noticed them enter. Finnick and Annie found them immediately and brought them to get some punch and take goofy pictures. Maybe the night wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

Not one for school-sponsored dry dances, Johanna found herself toward the back of the room. She had danced with Katniss nearly all night but was nearing the height of her already low tolerance point for revelry. She talked amicably with Mr. Abernathy who actually seemed to be enjoying himself, possibly for the first time ever inside the school's walls. A slower song came on and Johanna watched as many of the students coupled up.

When he left to go break up two kids having an argument, his presence was replaced by another blonde. A smaller, but equally as miserable blonde. Johanna filled her lungs and leveled her eyes at the taller blonde. Whatever stupid junior boy had invited Cashmere as his date was going to get a punch in the groin. "What do you want, Cash?"

_My love must be a kind of blind love. I can't see anyone but you._

Cashmere played a remarkably sinister grin on her lips and looked out toward the dance floor. She tucked one arm across her chest and under her elbow, the other bent to drink from her red solo cup. "First of all, don't even act like you're not going to miss me when I graduate in two months." Johanna loudly scoffed. "How long have you and Everdeen been a thing?"

"Why is it that every time your mouth moves I immediately want to stick a gun in my mouth?" Johanna eyed the dance floor nervously but found Katniss dancing the slow dance with Peeta Mellark. Hopefully she wouldn't see their interaction because she imagined a jealous Katniss was not a pleasant one.

Cashmere whistled. "My my, Jo, what a temper. If I recall correctly I think you're pretty fond of how my mouth moves." The older girl watched Johanna's fingers grasp her cup even tighter. She let out a low chuckle. "Does she know about us?"

Johanna's head snapped to the side. "'Us?' There is no 'us,' Cash. If you're asking if she knows you and I used to fuck around then yeah, she knows."

_Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright. I only have eyes for you, dear._

Cashmere wasn't bothered by Johanna's attitude. She had always found Johanna's temperament incredibly attractive. It was one of the reasons she had sought her out at that party. That and about three shots of tequila too many. Their agreement had been beneficial for her: she didn't have to deal with anyone knowing what sexual proclivities she preferred, and she had sex on a fairly regular basis. It was always violent and hurried and she had found herself slightly addicted to the rush. Not that she would admit it to Jo, but she was suffering withdrawal. Sex with her boyfriend was ...unsatisfying, to say the least.

"I guess that's why you haven't met with me in months, hm?" Johanna ran her tongue along her teeth and didn't answer back. Cashmere had texted her off and on over the last six months, but she had barely returned them. Cashmere pursed her painted lips. "So how is she?"

"The fuck do you mean, 'how is she?'"

"At soccer, you dumbass. What do you think? In bed! What's the new girl like?" Cashmere took another long sip of her drink before returning her attention to the incensed younger girl. She enjoyed squirming her way under Johanna's skin. Only second to squirming her way under Johanna's clothes. Having known Johanna for the past few years, she had been able to begin unraveling the younger girl. She knew what made her tick. And by the slow blush on her neck and the diverted eye contact, she knew she struck a nerve. "Oh my God you haven't fucked her yet? Isn't that just adorable? Pure as a freshly fallen snow." She tipped her gaze. "You must be  _dying_."

_You are here, so am I. Maybe millions of people go by._

"Shut the fuck up, Cash. I don't have to stand here and listen to this."

Johanna made one step toward leaving but she heard Cashmere's singsong-y tone behind her. "You do if you don't want me to go over there and give her all the details about us." Her sentence had the desired effect of freezing Johanna where she stood. The shorter girl turned around slowly and Cashmere took a moment to drink her in appearance. "Wouldn't it just kill her pure little heart to know how truly fucked up you are?"

"How fucked up  _I_ am?" Johanna coughed out the question as she advanced toward the blonde. Nothing about Cashmere's vindictive personality attracted her. She was already plenty angry herself. Her attraction was purely physical. It's like Frank Underwood said on  _House of Cards_ :" Everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power." Their "relationship" was about power. Fooling the other into thinking she had the upper hand. They each held each other's reputation over the edge of a building and that mutated into brutal, wicked sex that aimed to both satisfy and punish. For a while Johanna had craved it.

But since meeting Katniss, she felt she was losing her taste for blondes. For the violence. She was losing her taste for anyone else.

_But they all disappear from view._

"Mhm." Cashmere knew the longer she talked to Johanna the higher the chance that someone would see them together and question it. So she opted to swoop in for the kill. "The next time I call you, you  _will_  answer. If you don't I'll just drive all the way down to Twelfth Street and have a little one on one with your new thing." The blonde brushed passed her to make her way back toward her friends. She tilted her head down toward Johanna's ear. "I'll tell her all about the dark, dirty things you have done behind closed doors." Johanna looked at her from the corner of her eyes. She could see the mocking pout on Cashmere's ironically angelic features.

She knew this wasn't going to be easy. While most of the class had acknowledged them by now and nothing had happened, Johanna was forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. And there it was. An ultimatum if there ever was one. Cashmere, for reasons Johanna could not figure out, knew the three secrets that she kept from Katniss. Well, the three secrets Johanna kept from pretty much everyone:

1\. The scope of Johanna's physical relationship with other girls.

2\. Her father.

3\. Her involvement in a jazz band.

Cashmere knew how many girls Johanna had slept with because she had personally tracked down each and every one. She knew about Mr. Mason because of Polly's friendship with Cashmere's father, and she knew about Johanna's band because she had accidentally discovered her last year. The manipulative blonde had been using all of the above information to keep Johanna wrapped around her finger.

Since she had started seeing Katniss (a fact she also knew prior to confronting her) she felt the grip she had around Johanna loosen. That was ...unacceptable. She did not  _lose._ She did not lose volleyball games, boyfriends, or fuck buddies. She especially didn't lose to homely girls from the outskirts of town. She rejoined her friends gathered around the punch bowl, but her piercing green stare was not on the dolled up girls and guys around her. No, she was stealing sly glances at a certain wannabe female gangster cutting into a dance between the baker and the new girl. She watched their easy movements, the simple way they seemed to fit together, the mirrored images of smiles on their faces. She watched, and she calculated.

_And I only have eyes for you._

* * *

Music: Elliot Smith "Angel in the Snow," Muse "Starlight," and The Flamingo's "I Only Have Eyes For You."


	7. Chapter 7

**Warning:**  I changed the rating to M for this chapter. It's not particularly explicit but without spoiling anything ...I think you understand why I made this change. Proceed accordingly. Things happen between two girls that if it makes you uncomfortable, like ..wtf are you doing here anyway?

* * *

_I've been a bad, bad girl._

Johanna was certain that her impulsive streak was deeply embedded in her DNA. Her father had been a gambler, a risk-taker, a loose cannon and half of his terrible genome was inside of her. Even though she hadn't spent much time with him, he had imprinted on her his rogue sensibilities. Her mother was a planner. It suited her well in her occupation as a builder and shop-owner; her business mind was programmed to interpret, pause, reflect, execute with care. Johanna knew she would have to reach deep into herself to find that part of herself that came from her mother.

She was determined not to let Cashmere affect her relationship with Katniss. Too much of the last three years of her life had been dictated by the nefarious blonde. When she had accidentally discovered Johanna's jazz band she somehow managed to hold that as blackmail over Johanna's head: An agreement to never go public with their affair. Johanna's intimate expression of music meant as much to her as Cashmere's reputation did to the blonde. Cashmere's knowledge of Johanna's dad was because her mother had stupidly confided in Cashmere's father. And of course, Cashmere somehow finagled a way to learn about each and every straight girl Johanna had lain in bed with.

_It's a sad, sad world. When a girl will break a boy just because she can._

A lesson her father had taught her: How to disarm an enemy. His lesson had been a straight-forward instruction in taking down an armed man, but Johanna knew it translated just as well metaphorically. Her father didn't deal in metaphors but he wasn't wrong. If Cashmere was wielding her secrets as an enemy might wield a firearm, then she had to take the weapon away.

Wear your secrets like armor and no one can hurt you.

The night had to be perfectly executed. There was no time to wing it like her father would have done. She was going to reveal all three advantages Cashmere had over her to Katniss in one night. Take her to the jazz bar where her band performed, explain to her the sordid story of her father, and by hook or crook explain why she had slept with all those girls. Place all her cards on the table and hope and when she looked up, Katniss was still playing.

It almost didn't happen because the second Mrs. Everdeen and Prim had left the Everdeen household after dinner, Katniss had pinned her against the kitchen counter and seared her with a bruising kiss. Their embraces were oftentimes frenzied like this - gnashing of teeth, bruising lips, scratching skin. Johanna had been right when they first met - Katniss was the type of girl who enjoyed the feeling of nails down her sides.

She knew because she did it at that moment and was compensated by a husky moan. Reluctantly she pulled away. "As much as I am  _loving_ this right now, I want to take you somewhere tonight," Johanna said, interrupting Katniss's oral assault on her neck. Gray eyes flicked up to her own in a mixture of confusion and slight annoyance.

"Take me somewhere?" Katniss repeated dumbly.

"Yeah brainless, take you somewhere." Johanna let her hands travel down the length of Katniss's arms and she laced their fingers together gently. Her thumb traced light circles against Katniss's palms. "Two places actually. But we have to leave now."

Katniss raised a delicate brow. "This isn't an elaborate ruse to keep me out of your pants is it?" Johanna jabbed her in the ribs in jest and led her out of the house. The sweet grassy smell of summer hit her as they made their way toward Johanna's car. Katniss's smirk softened into a smile as Johanna held the door open for her. She slid into warm, worn leather and waited for her girlfriend.

Johanna expelled a shaky breath and turned the car on, trying to find solace in the familiar rumble of the engine. Her fingers fiddled with the radio dial as she tried to find a clear station for the short trip. The club was about twenty minutes outside of the Panem town linits, tucked into a row of stores and a Starbucks.

_Don't you tell me to deny it. I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins._

It was a much larger city than Panem, glistening with twinkling street lamps and busy with the bustle of taxi cabs and impatient drivers. Johanna found she enjoyed the cacophony of the city to the orchestra of animals and insects at home. She parked the car outside the club's doors. In a habit now ingrained in her, Katniss waited for Johanna to open her door. The shorter girl insisted on the chivalry and Katniss found it charming.

"Wow, this place is gorgeous." The building's facade looked like something out of an old movie: gilded trim, a bright black and white marquee, huge framed posters on the wall detailing the upcoming events. Since moving to Panem Katmiss rarely ventured outside the town line. She wasn't particularly fond of big cities; it was a major reason why she had almost preferred the move to Panem.

Johanna smiled like she had been the architect. "Built in 1914 as a silent movie theatre. They maintain Mary Pickford herself has visited but I have doubts. It was converted into a dance club in 1939 because they didn't want to make the leap to talkies." She smiled sardonically. "They thought it was a fad." Johanna took her hand and entwined their fingers as they entered the plush lobby. It had the musty smell of age as well as the sweet aroma of liquor and the hang of cigarettes. "It's been operating as a jazz club since then. Seventy-five years of operation, even as jazz pestered out in the late sixties and seventies."

"Jo!" A wrinkled man emerged from around the counter in the depth. Age had lowered his height but his bright white smile and loud voice seemed to command the room. He pulled Johanna into a cigar-soaked hug. He moved away and held her by the arms like a grandfather appeasing the appearance of a child. Familiar and loving. "It's not your night tonight, is it?"

"No Bogey, it's not."

"Good," the man replied, rubbing his perpetual five o'cloxk shadow with a rough scratch. "Give an old man a scare. I already forget what day it is without you tryin' to sneak a few days by me." He finally saw the other girl standing slightly behind Johanna and smiled his bright grin. "And who is this lovely lady?"

Johanna slid her arm around Katniss's waist and edged her forward. "This is Katniss."

Katniss observed as the two shared a knowing look and she saw the flush come on Johanna's cheeks. The gray-haired man looked at her fondly. "Ah so this is the famous Katniss Everdeen." Katniss shot them both a skeptical look but she stuck her hand out toward the man anyway. "She is much more gorgeous than you said."

Ignoring her hand he pulled Katniss into an unexpected hug. Johanna smirked and gently separated them by the shoulders. "Hey hands off, Boges."

"I was just given' her the treatment. I know this is your girl" He grinned cheekily. "Nice to meet you, Katniss. I'm Harold Bogeman, the proprietor of this here establishment. You can call me Bogey. Johanna has told us loads about you."

Katniss wanted to reply that she had never heard of him but she bit her tongue. "Nice to meet you Bogey."

"I'm going to show Katniss around if that's okay?" She knew it would be but she held too much respect for the man to assume.

"Sure! This is your home too darlin'. You need anything you shout a holler now. Real loud, you know how these ears don't work so good anymore." Johanna rolled her eyes and escorted Katniss into the main area of the club.

For Katniss it was like stepping into a time machine. Thin red carpet lined the floor with gold-plated railings bolted down into the fabric. Glass-topped round tables flanked by chrome chairs were scattered in a horseshoe pattern around the room. They stepped down the steps into the circular expanse before the stage where more tables and chairs were sat, currently empty and shining.

_What I need is a good defense. 'Cos I'm feeling like a criminal._

A few casually dressed men and women were busy polishing glassware and vacuuming the carpets. Johanna began explaining the operation to Katniss as she showed her around, periodically giving a familiar hello to a few of the employees.

She reached a small room at the end of a hallway lined with pictures of Bogey with various celebrities from the forties to today. The door was unmarked but Johanna opened it and led Katniss inside. It was a small dressing room outfitted with a mirror lined in bulbs and a small leather couch against the far wall. Various instruments made themeves comfortable around the room.

Katniss put the skeptical look back on her face. "This place is beautiful. Do you work here?" She found it surprising Johanna could keep a job because between school, her extra-curriculars and her mother's shop there didn't seem to be any time. Any free time she had Katniss tried to soak up like a sponge.

"Not exactly." Johanna turned the black canvas chair around that was sat in front of the mirror and dresser. As she did she revealed the stenciled name in white across the back:  _Johanna_. Katniss looked up to the bashful smile of the other girl.

_And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against. Because he's all I ever knew of love._

"You perform here?" she asked cautiously. Johanna nodded and looked around the room. These were her things. Even an old math textbook lay dusty in a corner. Had Katniss been paying more attention she would have even seen the small photo of her and Johanna at prom tucked into the frame that lined the mirror. "When?"

"Every other Saturday," Johanna revealed in a sheepish voice.

Katniss crossed her arms. "You've been lying to me? Why?"

Johanna sat in the chair and draped her arms over the sides. "I don't know. Nobody knows about this. It's just something I've always kept close to me. But I wanted to share it with you." Not  _entirely_  untrue but Johanna conveniently left out the part where she was being blackmailed by her sometimes lover.

"How long have you been playing here?"

"Five years." Gray eyes went wide. "Yeah I know. I'm sorry I kept this from you."

"I mean I guess it's okay. It's not like we have to know every little thing about each other. You're allowed to have secrets." Katniss moved across the wooden floors over to Johanna and placed her hands on the arms of the chair. "You know how super hot it is that you play music, right? You could have used that to your advantage earlier. Seduced me with song and brought me back to your dressing room..."

Johanna smirked. "I think I seduced you just fine without it." She leaned up and bit Katniss's lower lip and yanked her into a kiss. Katniss didn't answer she just kissed her back with an equal ferocity. The heat built between them as it always did, making Katniss feel like their clothes were extraneous, like she always did.

Her lips dragged along Johanna's jaw until she met her destination at her ear. "Does that door lock?" Johanna'a throat moved and she nodded. She could feel Katniss smile against her earlobe as she ran her tongue along the lobe and dipped slightly into her ear. She emitted a gasp that made Katniss groan directly into her ear. "What do you say we christen that couch of yours?"

This was not the time to explain that her couch had already been christened. Many times. Instead she caught Katniss's intense gaze and tried to control her breathing as best she could. "This isn't our last stop, babe," Johanna explained with a tremor in her voice. Katniss pouted. Johanna got shakily onto her feet. If Katniss kept that up they never get where she wanted to go. She steeled her willpower.

_Heaven help me for the way I am._

* * *

Johanna cut the engine on an old stone bridge near the outskirts of town. She got out of the car and crossed the road to the other side. A four-foot ledge edged the road and Johanna straddled it, then swung her legs over and dangled them over the side. The bridge spanned over a small but active creek that emptied into a swampy lake that went out so far straight, like it could touch the horizon.

Katniss mimicked her seated position and Johanna took her hand. A long period of silence followed, puncutated by the sporadic croaking of frogs and near constant chirping of crickets. "This was the last place I saw my father." The brunette looked over at her girlfriend in surprise. Johanna had never spoken of her father before. There was only one photo of him that she had ever seen in her house: him holding a crying, swaddled Johanna fresh from the womb. He looked remarkably like Johanna in that photo; they shared the same uncomfortable look around children. Same piercing brown eyes.

"Before he was deployed overseas he took me here to go fishing. A last minute bonding. Except I was seven and  _hated_  fishing." Johanna stared out toward the murky water. "He drank an entire six pack by himself and set the cans up where you're sitting. Taught me how to shoot a handgun."

Katniss felt surprised for the millionth time that night. "A seven year old?"

Johanna laughed. "Yeah he was the worst. I didn't realize it then. I thought he was badass." She pursed her lips and then ran her tongue along her mouth. "He was a bastard. Drank, gambled, just overall fucked up my mom's life for years. They got married at sixteen, had me at seventeen. He wasn't anywhere close to a father. Everyone in town knew it. One of those townwide former quarterback losers." She sighed. "Anyway he signed up for the army after 9/11 looking for some kind of glory. He was killed in combat in Iraq within a few months of being deployed."

"I'm sorry," Katniss replied reflexively. She looked out into the lake and tried to picture a young Johanna. An innocent dark-haired girl with long limbs she couldn't quite control. A slim face that could cut you with its piercing glances staring up at her father adoringly. Absorbing his lessons dutifully whilst still maintaining her independence. Probably getting frustrated she wasn't a good shot, pretending not to be frightened by the loud pop of the gun.

_Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought._

The shorter girl shrugged. "Don't be. Better he die pretending to be a hero than drink himself to death here." The certitude in Johanna's tone was not to be countered. So instead Katniss bounced her heels against the rough stone and enjoyed the warmth of Johanna's hand in hers.

"Why did you tell me all this tonight?"

_Maybe I just wanna be yours._

Deep brown hues eyed her warily. Johanna turned and tucked her leg beneath her knee and faced Katniss head on. "There's one more final thing you need to know about me." A brown eyebrow raised on a creaseless forehead but she made no sound. "I have ...sort of slept with a lot of different girls."

Katniss made a small choking noise in the back of her throat and tilted her head to the side. "How many is a lot?"

"I don't know," Johanna breezed, looking back out to the water. "Maybe fourteen or fifteen."

Katniss's gray eyes bulged nearly out of their sockets. " _Maybe_? You don't have like a master list somewhere?" Johanna rolled her eyes and Katniss tried to calm down. "How did you even manage to find 'fourteen or fifteen' gay girls in this town? The way people look at us you'd think we're the only lesbians within forty miles of the town square."

Normally Johanna would have snickered at Katniss's unfortunate but astute observation of Panem's small-town values. But the anvil hadn't yet been dropped. "They weren't gay. Maybe leaning that way, maybe they're gay or bisexual now but ..they were most definitely considering themselves heterosexual when I met them."

Katniss slid her hand from Johanna's grasp and placed it in front of her. This had certainly been a night of revelations. The way Johanna's posture had relaxed after her last sentence gave Katniss the inkling that she was done with her confessions for he night. Hopefully for a while. Katniss steeled herself and flicked her eyes up toward her girlfriend's. "Is that what I was? What I am? Some straight girl you want to corrupt?" The question came without malice, more like sorrow. "Another notch in your bedpost?"

Johanna looked appropriately horrified. "If that were true don't you think I'd have taken you up on your countless offers to sleep with me?"

Katniss shrugged. "I don't know how you seduced these girls. Maybe you take them on a late-night ride in your cool car and show them your adorable jazz club and then take them home and fuck them."

Her voice moved from honey to hell and Johanna had to bite back her surprise. "Katniss, it isn't anything like that." She moved hair from her face and sighed. "I am not proud of all of that. I didn't love any one of them. Not even close."

"So sex is just some fun thing you do at parties with girls you can't stand?" Her pointed glare cut straight through to Johanna's heart.

"It was," she answered honestly. "It was until I met you. I looked at you and I was just ...floored. Sure I'm attracted to you and I can't lie that my first thought may or may not have been wanting to hear your voice scream my name," Katniss blushed, "but I saw passed that. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted you to get to know me." Johanna dropped her gaze. "You're not like the other girls. Not to me."

A single finger was placed beneath her chin as Katniss lifted her head to make their gazes level. The lone flickering streetlamp across the street lit half of Katniss's face, but Johanna could see the singular emotion there. "Prove it." Her eyebrows knitted together. Katniss swung her legs back over and jumped back onto the road. "Prove it. If I'm not like them then take me home, bring me into your bedroom and prove it."

_Hold your hair in deep devotion. At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean._

_Maybe I just wanna be yours._

* * *

Johanna had never, ever, not even once, been nervous with a girl. Not even the first time she had sex. She was confident in her body, confident in her sexuality, and somehow confident that she possessed the necessary skills to achieve pleasure. It was this confidence that made her, in her estimation and the post-coital reviews of others, pretty damn good.

But she was terrified. The ride home had been quiet, save for the quiet mumble of the radio. The walk up the stairs to her room had been almost unbearable. Now here they were, staring at each other in the dim light of Johanna's room unable to start what they desperately wanted to.

"How does this normally go, hm?" Katniss asked, sitting down on the edge of Johanna's bed and giving it a few bounces. "You bring some idiot girl up here, whisper something in her ear and take her clothes off?" She eyed Johanna's music corner. "I bet you even put on mood music."

Johanna rolled her eyes and smirked. "First of all, it's just regular music. The mood is already there. Second of all, I'm not going to discuss other girls I've slept with tonight."

"Mood killer?" Katniss asked scathingly.

Katniss's hot tone made Johanna's thin patience wear out. If this is what she wanted, what she truly wanted, then she was going to have to check that attitude. Only one surefire way to shut her up. Johanna lunged forward and took Katniss's lips in an ardent kiss, trapping her in place by wrapping her arms around Katniss's torso. It only took a moment for Katniss to reply in kind, running her fingers experimentally through Johanna's locks of dark hair.

Johanna pushed them backward to her bed without preamble, cradling Katniss's fall as she moved on top of her. Her body was waging an unwinnable war between anxiousness and desire. Both of them were tumbling her stomach's contents like it was a clothes dryer. She steadied her breath as she looked down at the beautiful girl pinned beneath her.

This was not the first time another girl's back was flat against her blankets. This was not the first time she had grappled with pushing off socks and shoes. This was not the first time she had laid eyes on the naked midsection of another girl.

But this was the first time it had ever meant anything.

Johanna usually took the lead. The Fred Astaire to her bedmate's Ginger Rogers. Or more accurately, Fred Astaire to her bedmates acting as a table. She led the girl through the motions, pushing her back onto the pillow and making her toes curl in joy. Her partners were passive. But not Katniss. She refused to be undulated and taught how to move. As Johanna laced kisses across her clavicle Katniss sat up and pushed Johanna on to her back, reversing their positions and laying them the wrong way across the bed. Pillows were kicked off by stretching feet as Katniss took Johanna's hands in hers and pinned them at the foot of the bed, hanging off the edge slightly.

_Tonight you're mine completely. You gave your love so sweetly._

A low moan rippled up from the back of her throat as Katniss slid a nimble tongue across her neck and down toward her breasts. Katniss smiled against the taut skin. She was not going to let Johanna steer this night as she had with all her other lovers. Her hot breath bounced off Johanna's skin and she watched goosebumps rise to attention in its wake. She had waited a long time to hear Johanna pant with unmasked need.

Of course she harbored a deep reserve of jitters. She had never done anything sexual with a boy or a girl, so her intimate knowledge was limited to her own experience with herself. She squirmed Johanna out of her tight fitting jeans, her panties getting knotted with them and coming off as well. Her pupils dilated in the darkness to take in more light to see Johanna fully. She drank in the sight beneath her like a patron at an art museum; contemplative. Defined collarbone that rested above small, perfectly round breasts that were marred with small bite marks of Katniss's doing. A tense abdomen that rose and fell with ragged breaths. Tiny blondish hairs stuck to Johanna's belly from the sweat built between them over the last few minutes. A small patch of dark curly hair just above silken folds that made Katniss's breath catch in her throat. She traveled down muscular legs that tapered into feminine calves. The brunette placed small kisses up Johanna's calf muscle to her inner thigh, raking her teeth across the taut, smooth skin of Johanna's inner thigh.

"You are stunning," Katniss whispered reverently against Johanna's skin, taking a bit of her abdomen in her mouth and giving it a small hurt. She traveled upward to Johanna's mouth and captured it in another fervent kiss that instead of being backed by pure desire, was a delicate warp and weft of love and reverence.

_Tonight the light of love is in your eyes._

No one had ever looked at her, or spoke to her, with such adoration before. Johanna swallowed down the embarrassing emotion that balled up inside her throat as Katniss looked down at her. Gray eyes that were at once wholly unfocused but also intensely gazing down at her. Her newly freed hands were slowly traveling up Katniss's skirt; a skirt she was extremely glad Katniss had worn. It fell down her hips with ease, allowing Johanna a better glance at Katniss's oft-gazed-upon thighs that she adored.

She ran her hands along the olive-toned skin of Katniss's thighs, trailing them back up again as she curled her fingers in the elastic of Katniss's underwear. Looking in her eyes for consent and finding much more than that, she grinned as she pulled them down and flung them dismissively on to the floor beneath them.

Never had a girl looked so beautiful in the mix of a yellowish lamplight and a starkly bright white of the moon. Johanna closed her eyes and inhaled as deeply as possible. She wanted to imprint this moment in her memory as firmly as she could. The smell of Katniss's sex and natural perfume, the salty taste of her skin, the impossibly radiant beauty Katniss had, even in this nude, vulnerable state.

_But will you love me tomorrow?_

She bolted upright in bed and wrapped her arms around Katniss's back, digging her nails into the sweat-glazed skin and leaving hot red trails down the length of her twitching back muscles. Her own center was so close to Katniss's she could feel the heat rising between them. With one arm wrapped around her back, both to keep herself upright and hold Katniss in place, she placed her other hand near Katniss's entrance.

She had never asked permission before but it felt appropriate now. However, verbalizing that question was dying in her throat. Of course, she needn't ask. Katniss rocked her hips forward and a small noise of frustration came up from her throat. It was all Johanna needed to continue.

Hers and Katniss's gasps were remarkably similar in tone and tenacity at her first slow, tentative thrust inside her. The pleasure was shared as she moved inside her lover, marking Katniss's insides with her fingerprints. While Johanna wanted to look down at her hand that she could feel getting drenched in Katniss's arousal, she couldn't break her eyes from Katniss's face. Her forehead scrunched up as if she was in pain, but her lips parted and breathing out moans and encouragement that spelled nothing but absolute pleasure. A flash of white teeth gripping her lower lip tightly as Johanna began to quicken her pace.

She didn't want to waste the moonlight but she also wanted this to last as long as possible. The way Katniss's body began to tremor lightly and how rapidly her walls were constricting on her fingers she knew Katniss was close to spilling over the edge.

_Tonight with words unspoken, you say that I'm the only one._

As Katniss opened her eyes she saw how vehemently Johanna was staring at her. Any notion of self-consciousness was out the window because her brain was only functioning on a base level. She just squeezed her eyes back shut as her hands gripped Johanna's shoulders, her hips rolling faster and faster over Johanna's hand. Nothing had ever felt like this before. No memory of satisfaction had this vivid emotion and physical strength attached to it. This was new. This was amazing. If she could never have this again then she would choose to die in that moment.

Three words both broke her from her dark absorption and sent her tumbling over the edge of ecstasy. "Look at me." The moment her gray eyes met the loving brown ones staring up at her, all her senses exploded at once. She couldn't exactly pinpoint when but Johanna's name sprouted from her lips over and over again as her body sagged against the dark-haired girl's, breaths expelling out in arrhythmic bursts, her muscles contracting and shivering in the aftershocks of orgasm.

Johanna managed to push Katniss backward, holding her gently as she laid her against the bare mattress at the head of the bed. Pillows had been long strewn across the floor by now, forgotten about and discarded. She kissed her everywhere she saw small beads of sweat form - near her cheek, the cleft in her lips, the hollow of her neck, the space just before her ear.

She pushed down the throb of her own needs in favor of guiding Katniss through the comedown from pleasure. Her selflessness was unwarranted as Katniss apparently held an army of stamina hidden inside her. Her eyes flew open and she pulled their bodies together, crushing Johanna in a kiss that quite literally stole her breath.

_But will my heart be broken when the night meets the morning sun?_

Katniss again returned to her thought that she would not be some pawn in Johanna's sex game. They were equals, partners, lovers. Just because she carried less experience did not mean she carried less desire. There was one clear thought in her mind: She wanted to taste her. Grinning as she pulled away from Johanna's kiss she writhed beneath the girl until she was squarely beneath the other girl's thighs.

"Wha-?" Johanna managed to sneak out a sort of question in her sexually-clouded haze. "What are you doing?"

Katniss flattened her tongue against Johanna's thigh and slowly moved upward, collecting the spilled juice that flowed from Johanna. She felt the other girl shudder above her and she smiled smugly. "Just shut the fuck up and grab the headboard." Johanna's confusion was defogged by the swirl of Katniss's tongue inside her. On their own accord her palms slammed forward and grasped the wooden headboard, unintentionally doing as she was so provocatively bidden. She punished the frame with her iron grip, ignoring the creaky strain that sounded beneath her touch.

Her only sense was tactile. Katniss's tongue running laps inside her, her fingers clenched around Johanna's backside, digging little half-moon marks on the pale skin. Warm breath expelling over her insides as Katniss pulled back periodically to catch her breath. Her pelvis moved on its own, matching Katniss's thrusts. Between the crossfire of emotion and attraction she felt for Katniss it wasn't long before she cried out her girlfriend's name loudly, almost painfully, gripping the soft brown locks of hair between her moist fingers.

Unable to stand any more stimulation she swung her leg over and collapsed loudly onto her back next to Katniss. Comically she was turned on again as she watched Katniss wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. How someone could make the post-coital clean-up look attractive was amazing. But somehow, Katniss did.

_I'd like to know that your love is a love I can be sure of._

She wiped sweat from her forehead as she stared up at her ceiling, watching her fan move in lazy circles. It didn't seem to be doing any good because it was unbearably hot in the room, even with the fan going and the air conditioning on. She felt an arm snake beneath her and she lolled her head to the side to look at Katniss. She was always breathtaking but the afterglow of sex made her look downright ravishing. Rumpled hair, sweaty skin, a few pink marks along her neck and arms where Johanna had made little claims on her.

The arm underneath her had ulterior motives. She used it to push Johanna back on top of her. Johanna's hands went out to each of Katniss's sides, hovering above her quizzically. Still out of breath from orgasm she peered down at her girlfriend. "What are you doing?"

Katniss chuckled. "You know for someone who's such a supposed expert, you ask that an awful lot." Johanna bit the inside of her cheek to hide a smile as Katniss teased her. "What do you think,  _brainless_? You get off - in a matter of speaking - after one go?" Katniss shook her head and took her lower lip between her teeth. Johanna held in a moan at the sensuous gesture. "We are not even close to done yet." In a surprisingly domineering move, she shoved Johanna down the length of her body, guiding her head toward her sex.

Johanna was of course more than happy to indulge.

* * *

The spent the rest of the night like that, exploring each other's bodies and making each other orgasm until Johanna regretfully fell asleep in between vigorous bouts of love-making. Katniss awoke first to the harsh sunlight streaming in through Johanna's perpetually open window. She needed to get shades, and badly. She used this quiet morning time to shift on to her side and watch Johanna sleep.

She was face-down on the mattress, her head absorbed into the pillow and her hair flared over the plush. Katniss took the moment to enjoy the concave and convex curves of Johanna's back. She traced the small shoulder blades with the tip of her finger, dipping it into the divots of muscle that surrounded it. She decided that Johanna's back was her favorite part of Johanna. Well, maybe not her  _favorite_ but definitely in her top three. The flex of muscle and strength of bone was unusually attractive to Katniss. She restrained the urge to line the wavelengths of Johanna's back with her tongue.

That could wait until she was awake. She rolled back on to her spine and pushed her hands underneath her head. The night before played back in her mind's eye in stunning technicolor. Her most favorite moment, of which there were several, were the small moments of quiet as the regained their breath.

In one particular moment she remembered looking at Johanna just before she fell asleep. She was staring straight back at her with unwavering emotion. She tucked Katniss's wild hair behind her ear and Katniss could smell the faint scent of her own sex on Johanna's palms. It swelled with her a pleasurable mixture of desire and possessiveness to smell herself on Johanna. But then Johanna spoke and moved all of that from her mind.

_So tell me now, and I won't ask again._

"I love you." Her voice rang as clear as a bell in the damp room, filling Katniss's ears and infiltrating her mind. They had never said it to each other. She felt it. She had felt it the day they met, but they had never said it. Somehow saying it seemed to put a wax seal on their love letter.

Katniss didn't want to relent to the tears in her eyes so she surged forward and kissed Johanna. She tried to push the feelings for her with her tongue inside Johanna's mouth instead of stuck awkwardly inside her own. She pulled away and was endeared by the hopeful but cautious look in Johanna's eyes.

She's waiting for you to say it, Katniss thought to herself. Katniss was taking a gamble, just as Johanna had done earlier in her confession, that Johanna's admission of love was genuine and not rooted in the delirium of sex.

"I love you too, Jo."

_But will you love me tomorrow?_

* * *

Music: "Criminal" by Fiona Apple, "I Wanna Be Yours" by Arctic Monkeys, and "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" by Carole King.


	8. Chapter 8

_I want a Sunday kind of love. A love to last passed Saturday night._

Katniss was unsure of when she had fallen back asleep. She remembered waking up and musing on Johanna's enticing back muscles, but sometime after that she had fallen back into a dreamless rest. For one of the first nights in a long time she wasn't awoken by the crunchy metal nightmares that plagued her since her father's death. Instead she dreamt of nothing at all, just lightness and warmth.

The side of the bed that had been previously covered with Johanna's prone form was now an empty space with a few dents and rumpled sheets. Momentarily confused she got out of the bed and was greeted by her own nakedness. Johanna's bedroom window was wide open but their house was enshrouded in trees so there was no chance of being spotted by neighbors. She wasn't the type of girl that slept in the nude but clothes seemed unnecessary when she and Johanna just kept taking them off all night.

She rummaged around Johanna's room and managed to come up with a pair of Johanna's athletic shorts and one of her band shirts. Being a few inches taller the shirt didn't quite meet the elastic waistband of the shorts but Katniss shrugged. She and Johanna were beyond hiding parts of their body from each other. Every inch of her skin had been mapped by Johanna's persistent mouth.

_And I'd like to know it's more than love at first sight. And I wanna Sunday kind of love._

Johanna wished she had some semblance of culinary skill. What was more attractive than someone cooking you breakfast after a long night of extremely satisfying sex? Unfortunately, her only skills were music and sex and neither of those things were going to make some kind of magical ambrosia for Katniss to consume when she awoke. She eyed the stove with distrust; last time she had attempted to make scrambled eggs she had scrambled just about everything on the counter instead of the eggs. She lacked both the patience and skill required for cooking.

Her music played softly downstairs as to not disturb the girl slumbering peacefully in her bed. When she had risen the picture next to her had nearly choked her with emotion. Katniss had been sleeping soundly, totally spent from the previous night (and some of the early morning), and looked wonderful. Her hair in messy ringlets over her shoulders, her nose and forehead scrunched together cutely, one leg over the comforter as the other lay beneath it. Not very many things brought her to tears, but that nearly did.

Not wanting to have Katniss wake up to her melodrama she had gone downstairs to begin making them breakfast. About the fourth time she looked in their refrigerator she realized her chivalrous quest to wake Katniss to the sweet aroma of baked goods and the savory smell of eggs was for naught. She couldn't cook to save her life. If her mother didn't prepare breakfast then typically she dined on something delicious and coated in sugar floating around in milk.

Unbeknownst to Johanna Katniss had arrived in the doorway, watching the shorter girl move slowly from cabinet to cabinet. And while she looked downright edible in her oversized sweatshirt and tiny cotton shorts, it was her voice that stopped Katniss dead in her tracks. She was  _singing_. Her voice had a high, light tone to it that was mismatched to the slow jazz that was playing, but sounded beautiful. She tried not to make any noise and disturb the wonderful performance in front of her. Johanna's hips lightly swaying to the drawling beat, her voice carefree and in tune.

The door behind her creaked open and Johanna spun around and instinctively grabbed a frying pan with both hands. Her mother took one glance at Johanna - poised hilariously to take down an opponent with a comically large frying pan - and burst into loud peals of laughter. Johanna let out a loud breath and placed the frying pan back down on the stove.

"Were you going to use the frying pan on an intruder?" Polly asked between laughs, setting down her duffel bag near the door. Johanna folded her arms across her large "Panem High School" sweatshirt and glared at her mother. "At least you'd get some use out of it."

"Har har," Johanna mocked, not moving from the stove. She hadn't expected her mother home until much later in the day. She wasn't necessarily embarrassed that Katniss was upstairs; her mother was absurdly fond of Katniss. However, they had a close relationship and Polly knew all about Johanna's trepidation regarding having sex with her. She'd want to talk about it, or at least voice her opinion on the matter.

Polly didn't approve of Johanna's side hobby of entertaining other girls. She believed Johanna was mature enough to handle sexual situations but she found the behavior self-destructive. Each sequential girl only seemed to curl Johanna inside herself even more. Until Katniss. Something about that girl seemed to unfurl Johanna from her coil of anger and solitude. Even the song playing - an old Etta James hit Polly hadn't heard since she was little - was happier. Overall Johanna was happier than she had ever seen her.

_I wanna love that's on the square, can't seem to find somebody... somebody to care._

Johanna suddenly became cognizant of Katniss's presence in the doorway and her anxiety level rose. Her mahogany eyes darted from her mother to Katniss with the quickness of an alert rabbit. The brunette was frozen in place in between the two rooms and self-consciously looked down at her outfit. The ill-fitting clothes clearly were not her own and the implication of how she came to wear them was as plain as day.

"Hi Mrs. Mason," Katniss mumbled politely, luckily not forgetting her manners in the same way she forgot her clothes. "Polly," she quickly corrected, remembering the hundred or so times she had asked Katniss to call her by her first name.

Polly compressed her lips together tightly to prevent from all-out smirking at the awkward silence that fell between them. She fought the desire to stay in the room and prolong the tensity of the situation and instead grabbed her bag from the floor. She looked to Johanna. "That explains the Etta James," she said with a smirk before walking down the corridor toward her first-floor bedroom in the back of the house.

Johanna looked to Katniss and finally smiled after an eternity of holding her lips in a straight line. "Mornin'."

Katniss's lips grew wide in a lazy smile. "Morning yourself." She moved forward and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist, holding her tightly and nuzzling into the softness of Johanna's sweatshirt. She inhaled the sweet smell of her, relaxing as Johanna curled her arms around her as well. "You're still here, hm? Didn't try to run out on me?"

Her teasing tone was absorbed into Johanna's sweatshirt but the shorter girl slapped her gently on her backside. "Hilarious." Katniss moved around to face the other girl and kissed her softly. She eyed the array of packages and cooking utensils strewn around the countertops with a slightly raised eyebrow. Johanna followed her line of sight and pursed her lips. "I was going to try and make you breakfast."

Katniss smirked. "Is that what you do with all your lovers?" Johanna's eyes darkened considerably and Katniss immediately regretted her little jab. Truth be told she was no longer angry about Johanna's former lifestyle. Any doubts she might have held were promptly erased by Johanna's words and actions the night prior.

Johanna's body stiffened. While seeing Katniss in her clothes had made her inexplicably warm, it had also filled her chest with a sense of foreboding. When her eyes closed she could see Cashmere doing the same thing. Parading around in her clothes on a lazy Sunday morning while their families were at church, listening to her records while Johanna sat on her bed. But those nights weren't like the one she just had. Those nights were merely games of pushing each other and doing as much to hurt the other without leaving a mark. There was no victor in those games. _  
_

Last night she told Katniss she loved her. Their sex had fishtailed from passionate to gentle, from breathless pleas to screams of pleasure. And when she said she loved her, it was true. God, was it true. The way she felt about Katniss no one person should feel about another. Wholeness. Possessiveness. Need. Other words she either couldn't or was not prepared to identify. She was only seventeen, for Christ's sake. The mere concept of "the one" seemed like something on teenagers in young adult novels felt. Nobody  _actually_ found their perfect match on the first go around. Right?

_I'm on a lonely road that leads to nowhere._

The long pregnant pause was enough to swell Katniss's lungs with regret. Without Johanna knew it or not, her eyes were retreating even if she was standing still. "Hey, Jo," Katniss whispered, placing her hand on Johanna's cheek. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

But those deep brown eyes didn't move from the tiled floor. "I think you should go home." Johanna didn't like the sound of her own voice. It was strange and disconnected like the disembodied voice of an announcer over the loudspeakers at school.

"What?" Katniss backed away from her and settled her eyes on Johanna's face. Her normally expressive mouth and bright eyes looked drawn and forlorn. A far cry from the wicked grins and winces of pleasure from just a few short hours ago. "Why?"

Johanna moved away from her and toward the kitchen window. She peered outside to the soft grass of her front lawn waving back and forth in the wind. With renewed conviction in her false premise she turned back to Katniss. "This is just too fast." Finally her eyes met the disbelieving gray ones staring back at her. The anxiety in her chest was doubled as she saw the heartbreak evident in the irises of the other girl. "I just..."

"Are you scared?" Katniss asked, interrupting Johanna's lame excuses. She didn't possess experience in relationships, but for that matter, neither did Johanna. However fear was as present as color in Johanna's eyes. "You must be because this is not too fast."

Johanna raised her eyebrow in challenge. "And you've just settled that for both of us?"

"Because I've felt this way about you since the day we met. You felt it, too. As for the sex..." Katniss cleared her throat to hide her slight embarrassment. "That wasn't too fast because we both know you've moved a lot faster than that."

Katniss was right. Of course she was right. But Johanna had made a decision that she wanted to stick with. She wanted space. No, she  _needed_  space. In reality, she wanted to march back upstairs and make Katniss cry out her name until she was hoarse but the fear of this new level to their relationship was far too frightening. As her mouth opened to respond Katniss took a step toward her. "You're scared."

Her voice was soft but it felt like a dagger of insinuation and Johanna crossed her arms across her chest. "Fuck you."

Katniss took an experimental step toward her as if she were approaching an undetonated dirty bomb. "I understand, okay? This is a big step for us. But that's part of the thrill of this, right? The blind free-fall?" She took Johanna's hands in her own and held them tightly. She hoped that maybe if she held on tightly enough Johanna wouldn't slip away like she seemed to be. "But it's not scary because you're not alone."

Her hand came up to rest on the side of Johanna's face. The shorter girl instinctively leaned into her touch and her eyes flitted closed. "If you really want me to go, I'll go. I just really want to stay." Katniss hoped the slight tinge of desperation in her voice was not as obvious as it sounded to her.

It was a long time before Johanna spoke again. For a while she just stared into Katniss's eyes, waiting and trying to understand. Why was she being so patient? Johanna wanted to self-destruct a little. Why were people designed to hate themselves? Or was it just some of her father leftover inside of her? Was it writ in her DNA to be so masochistic? Do perfect things need to be corrupted in order to appreciate how wonderful they are?

"I don't know how to do this," came Johanna's slow, careful reply. It was as close to the truth as she was going to get with all of these questions buzzing around her brain.

To her surprise Katniss laughed and leaned down, kissing her lovingly. It was a kiss that said what Katniss didn't:  _I know you don't but it's okay._  She went to pull away but Johanna pressed their foreheads together and captured her lips again, more hungrily this time. Katniss was surprised but fully returned the kiss, still moving her fingers against Johanna's by their sides. Johanna's tongue swabbed her lower lip and plunged into her mouth.

"Johanna I have to go to the store and -" Polly stopped abruptly as the two girls flew so far apart it was as if lightning had struck between them. She didn't suppress her laughter and put one of her hands over her eyes. "Oh the horror! My precious baby!" She took her hand down and laughed, giving Katniss a playful nudge with her hip. "I'm going to the store for a few hours. You girls behave yourself, okay? Don't give Mr. Greenstone next door a heart attack."

Polly walked across the kitchen and kissed Johanna on the forehead before departing. While she was teasing, she certainly didn't want old Mr. Greenstone from next door to see two teenaged girls making out in her kitchen. He was already with one foot in the grave and she didn't want to be the one to push the other in.

* * *

_The gates of Heaven must be open, I think I saw an angel walk by._

Katniss shivered as she felt a pair of lips brush against the outer shell of her ear. "Reading something good?" the voice asked in a low drawl. The library was practically a ghost town on the last day of school, since half the school's population wasn't even in attendance. Her second-to-last class was supposed to meet in the library but no one had bothered to show up but herself and Delly Cartwright. Delly went off somewhere to find Peeta, leaving Katniss alone in the room. She tucked herself into a corner with a novel and decided to wait out the forty minutes.

Johanna was supposed to be in one of her classes but she had ditched it when Katniss's text had come through to her phone telling her she was alone in the library. The long wooden tables in the back were usually put aside from group studying but Katniss sat alone, engrossed in the book. She sat down next to her girlfriend, raking her eyes along Katniss's bare legs up to her maroon pleated skirt.

"It's okay, it's about this boy who survives a -" Her words were arrested in her throat when she felt the wandering but dedicated fingers of Johanna trailing up her inner thigh. Her hand whipped underneath the table and she winced painfully as her knuckles caught the edge of the table. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

_I heard a blind man screamin', say, "There goes a sight for my sore eyes."_

Johanna grinned with a mischievous glint in her eye. She leaned forward on the table and rested her face on her palm. Her other hand snaked underneath Katniss's skirt and brushed against the lace fabric of her underwear. Katniss let out a gasp and promptly smacked her hand over her mouth. Her gray eyes squinted toward her girlfriend as Johanna slowly dipped her fingers inside Katniss's entrance, her brown eyes steady and unmoving.

Katniss slammed her palm against the table and Johanna raised an eyebrow. "Shh."

"Don't you fucking tell me to shush when you're trying to fu-" Katniss's whisper through gritted teeth was cut off as Johanna slowly eased inside her. Against her will and better judgement she widened her sitting position. A catlike smirk widened on Johanna's lips as she watched her girlfriend try and restrain herself. There was something sinful about wielding this power over Katniss. The thrill of perhaps being caught, the naughtiness of desecrating a library, the pleasure in getting another girl off. She liked seeing the surrender on Katniss's face. It's powerful and arousing to have someone's trust.

_You should be locked up, pretty girl, in my bedroom with me._

Betraying her mind, Katniss's body began to move slowly with the gentle pressure of Johanna's fingers inside of her. Along with other pleasurable sensations, the heightened anxiety of someone seeing or hearing her made Katniss's stomach flip. Johanna didn't seem bothered. Matter of fact, she seemed downright calm. It was almost angering her how unfazed Johanna was by how crazy she was making her.

To make it worse Johanna moved her mouth next to Katniss's ear and spoke in a timbre about ten octaves lower than Johanna's deceptively high speaking voice. "Do you like this?" Katniss scrunched her nose and lips angrily and gave her a curt nod. "Do you want me to stop?"

Katniss shook her head once fervently. "No." Her voice came out in a quiet croak.

"Say it. Say you don't want me to stop." All of Johanna's power plays with Cashmere began bubbling to the surface, but this was infinitely more fun. Katniss wasn't someone she wanted to ruin, she was someone she wanted to corrupt just a little. Put a rumple in her skirt, not a gash on her skin.

She felt the heat of Katniss's glare on her almost as tangibly as the heat from between her legs. Her hand chafed against the material of Katniss's lace panties as she continued to clandestinely thrust inside her. "Don't stop." Without a word Johanna slinked off the chair and dropped to her knees. Katniss's gray eyes went comically wide as Johanna looped two fingers around her panties and drew them slowly down to her calves. She wrapped her hands around her backside and urged Katniss forward to the edge of the chair.

"Say please," Johanna ordered in a deceptively sweet tone from beneath her.

Katniss groaned quietly. " _Please_  don't stop."

Not willing to dissent Katniss moved forward and parted her thighs as far apart as they would go, considering the restriction of her undergarments against her legs. Her arms outstretched over the table as Johanna's breath blew against her core. She was sure she would combust at any moment if Johanna didn't touch her. But when her soft tongue dipped inside her she let out a high-pitched groan that made Johanna still her movements for a second.

"Oh don't you fucking dare," Katniss threatened, reaching one hand underneath the table to push Johanna's mouth against her. She heard a short chuckle before Johanna went back to drawing designs inside her. The hum of her own pleasure drowned out the approaching steps of a shoe against the thin carpets. Katniss's head whipped up as she met the bespeckled, tired eyes of the librarian.

Katniss tried to make her countenance as passive as possible but with Johanna on her knees beneath her, flicking her tongue against Katniss's nub. "Is everything okay back here Miss Everdeen?" he asked, pushing his glasses up on to the bridge of his nose.

She nodded excessively. "Everything's fine," she replied in a high-pitched squeak. Johanna paused her movements when she heard they were not alone. However, the urge to push Katniss a little further made her a little devious. She slid her tongue back inside her girlfriend and quietly moved around her walls. "I was just, um, reading this book." Katniss picked up the novel. "It got a  _little,"_ her voice went high as Johanna sucked on her clit. She tried to squeeze her thighs together to stop Johanna, but her strong hands gripped her thighs and kept them apart. "A little emotional. I'll try to keep it down."

The man chuckled and peered at the novel. He nodded in understanding, clasping his large, soft hands in front of him. "Oh yes, that's quite an emotional story. A coming of age tale if there was any. I have no doubts that it resonated with you." He waited for Katniss to respond but she was physically unable. She felt the oncoming swell of orgasm begin to trickle up her nerves. Her body began to radiate heat and shake because of Johanna's ministrations beneath the table.

_So we can do the same thing that Adam did under that old apple tree._

Johanna was relentless in her lapping at her folds, and once she heard the waning footsteps of the librarian she pushed forward and sucked hard on Katniss's cul-de-sac between her legs and felt the girl clench hard against her tongue. Katniss's head dropped to the table on top of her crossed arms as Johanna very slowly outlined her center with her tongue before pushing her panties back up her legs.

The darker-haired girl emerged from underneath the table with a winning smile, lips and chin unabashedly glistening with Katniss's arousal. She licked her lips as Katniss adjusted her garments and shot her a glare. Regretfully she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and raised an eyebrow toward her girlfriend. "That was so fucking hot."

Katniss rolled her eyes but the appreciative glint was in her eyes. Johanna sat back down next to her, smelling of her natural perfume and the sweet tang of sex. "Yes it's one of my fantasies to have you go down on me while I look at Mr. Verne."

"Whatever, you  _clearly_ loved it." Johanna's natural arrogance somehow was adroit enough to perversely turn Katniss on. She guessed it was part of her overall allure - mostly that she could get beneath Johanna's hardened veneer and bring out the vulnerable girl beneath with her tongue. As she evidently proved, Johanna possessed the same capabilities.

Katniss again rolled back her eyes. "What are your plans this summer?"

Johanna shrugged. "Same as always. Finnick and I whore ourselves out as DJs for parties and weddings and shit. I work with my mom during the day." She shrugged and looked over to Katniss. "And you? What does the Everdeen clan do during the summers?"

"Come here to Panem," Katniss said. "But since that's out of the question, I have no idea." She hadn't really thought about the summer much. She figured she'd have to get a job since lazing around all summer with Gale in the woods was out of the question. He had gotten a job at the town over from theirs as a stock boy. Unfortunately Katniss couldn't pin down a skill that she could possibly apply to a real job. She could write and shoot a bow and arrow. Not exactly a lot of people clamoring for a well-written archer.

"You can always be our roadie," Johanna supplied with a grin. "Help us set up and break down. Bend over and pick up equipment..." Johanna trailed off as she openly gawked at Katniss's behind that was firmly set in her seat. She bit against her lip and Katniss smirked.

"I'll consider it. And how will you pay me?"

Johanna leaned over and stroked Katniss's thigh in a similar fashion that she had earlier. "Oh I could think of a few things."

Katniss nodded and kissed her, giving her lower lip an aroused tug. "I bet you could."

* * *

Music: "A Sunday Kind of Love" by Etta James and "What Kind of Woman Is This?" by Buddy Guy.


	9. Chapter 9

Mrs. Everdeen hummed quietly to herself as she stirred a pot of stew on her stove. The sweet scent of plums danced with the savory aroma of the lamb swimming inside the metal pot. The humming inside her mind was drowning out by Primrose's off-key piano fingering of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy." She appreciated Johanna's efforts in teaching Primrose the piano, but the girl lacked the musical prowess of her father. The ivories clunked out of rhythm and bounced off the freshly painted walls.

Her older daughter came thundering down the stairs and whipped quickly into the kitchen. Her gray eyes, identical to her father's, were large as she inhaled the smell of the dinner being cooked. Recognition as well as pleasure were evident in her gaze as she walked over toward her mother and peeked into the large pot. "You're making my favorite."

Mrs. Everdeen raised a frayed blonde eyebrow toward her daughter. "You said you were staying home for dinner so I thought I'd take another stab at this." The previous attempt to cook Katniss's plum and lamb stew had turned dinner into a pot that had to be thrown out, frustration and a boxed pizza.

Katniss's face briefly registered fear before she spoke again. "I promised Jo I'd go to her club tonight to see her perform." The story had actually gone something more like Katniss begging Johanna to let her come and watch her band play. After a lot of cajoling and several interruptive but persuasive kisses, Johanna had finally relented.

Her mother stopped stirring the stew and placed the sticky wooden spoon on the edge of the counter. She turned her body to face her daughter and crossed her arms over her chest. "Katniss. You promised your sister and me you would stay home tonight. Prim was very much looking forward to spending time with her sister whom she barely sees."

Katniss scoffed and backed a step away, leaning against the dinner table. "Barely sees? I brought her to school every day."

"And school ended three weeks ago and we haven't seen anything but your shadow since then."

The young brunette immediately became defensive. "So I'm not allowed to see my girlfriend?"

"I never said that," Mrs. Everdeen countered in a calm tone, reaching behind her to hold her palms on the edge of the counter. "I'm just saying you made a promise. One that I think Johanna would understand if you kept."

"But Mom," Katniss said in a small whine, "Jo never lets me see her sing or play. I finally convinced her to let me in there and now I'm going to stand her up? Because Prim wants to play Clue with me? We can play Clue anytime."

"And you can see Johanna any time," Mrs. Everdeen replied, keeping her voice even. Katniss was a fairly patient child but every so often her father's petulant streak awoke inside her. She'd get the same darkened gray eyes and narrow them, holding her position like a Greek phalanx until the other side relented. "You have spent every day with her since school ended. I think maybe you ought to have a little time apart."

Katniss looked as if she had scalded her. The mere thought of being forced away from Johanna like a thorn in the bottom of her foot. "Are you grounding me?" Katniss hadn't been grounded a day in her life. She had never done anything worth being punished for. The look in her mother's eyes seemed to indicate the answer was yes.

"Don't make me force you to stay with your family." The seemingly never-ending chasm of patience Mrs. Everdeen possessed began to run dry. Not without reason, of course. Katniss and Johanna had spent nearly every day together since becoming a couple. While she harbored no resentment toward Johanna - in fact she greatly enjoyed Johanna's company and positive influence on Prim and Katniss - things were moving a little fast. Katniss felt far too seriously about her.

This was her first relationship, her first love. The first always seems to cut a little deeper than the rest. Your skin isn't hardened to love yet so you allow that person to run you right through. She anticipated heartbreak for Katniss if she didn't temper their relationship now. "I can't believe you're being serious right now. You can't  _force_ me to stay home."

Mrs. Everdeen sighed. "Katniss, I don't want to punish you for wanting to spend time with your girlfriend. I'm asking you to be reasonable. Johanna plays at the jazz club every week, as you've said. She will be there next week. And you can go next week, when you haven't already made a promise."

Katniss crossed her arms over her chest, jutting out her hip. "And if I go anyway?"

"Then I will speak to Polly Mason and you and Johanna will see less of each other. I'm sure she'd like to see more of her daughter as well."

Her daughter's mouth went agape. "I can't believe you. Because I want to go out this  _one_ night, I'm being punished. You can't control how much time I spend with her. That's not fair."

"Life's not fair," her mother shot back angrily. Gray eyes enlarged in surprise. Her mother never took a cross tone with her, ever. She felt like she should back down, the instinct of being overwhelmed coming from days of hunting. She and Gale would traverse the woods and come across something too large to take down and they'd have to retreat. But Katniss felt her blood boiling inside her and she didn't back down. Mrs. Everdeen's countenance softened. "I know you want to see her. But relationships aren't about spending every moment together. It's enjoying the moments you do have. Your father and I didn't see each other every day."

"And now he's dead. Don't you wish you had?" The slap that resounded through the room made the off-kilter piano playing from the other room cease. Katniss's face stung, burning red hot not only from the hit but also from the anger and the humiliation. Katniss couldn't even remember the last time her mother had hit her. Maybe she never had.

She sniffled and grabbed her messenger bag from the kitchen chair and slung it over her shoulder. Soundlessly she left the room, ignoring her sister's inquisitive and terrified expression on her way out. Gray eyes looked across the yard glossily toward Gale, who was sitting in the driver's seat of his hand-me-down pick-up truck. Spots of rust dotted the washed out navy exterior, a spray of dirt on the back panel near the wheels. It rumbled against the loose gravel driveway noisily as Katniss drew near.

"Hey Catnip you ready to go?" His arm slung on the outside of his driver's side door, as is holding on to the door to keep it in place. Suffice to say, Gale was very excited about Katniss's relationship with Johanna. He had known Johanna his whole life and admired her bravery and pluck. Also, Gale didn't have to worry about some idiot boy getting Katniss pregnant or mistreating her. It assuaged his overprotective nature.

Katniss nodded and climbed into the passenger's seat. She buckled the seat belt and stared forward out the windshield at the front of the Hawthorne's garage door. A seldom-used but very worn basketball hoop drooped over the top, the net worn away years ago from the constant "dunking" of the boys. Gale registered her silence with a nod of his head and backed out of the driveway, making his way toward the neighboring town.

Gale and Katniss had a relationship rooted in family, but they connected because they were similar souls. Gale was quiet, contemplative, sometimes explosive in his personality if you got him on the right topic, but could communicate just as easily without words. Sometimes they'd spend entire days together without speaking. He wasn't bothered that Katniss was idly staring out the window. He was bothered that she looked nearly on the verge of tears. Crying was not something Katniss did often. Gale had only seen it about twice in his entire life, both at funerals. She wasn't the type of girl that cried when her feelings were hurt or when she watched something sad. She didn't cry when she saw  _Bambi_ or  _The Notebook_. She didn't cry when she fell from a tree branch twelve feet up from the ground. She had a hard shell.

_Take me out tonight where there's music and there's people who are young and are alive._

"Do you want to talk about it?" Gale asked as they neared the club, idling at a red light. The engine shook the cabin as they sat there. Katniss shook her head. "Is it Jo?" Katniss shook her head once more. "Good."

In spite of herself Katniss smiled a little. As if there was anything Gale could do if it  _was_  Johanna. He pulled to a stop in front of the old club, offering Katniss a smile. "Thanks for the ride," she said quietly, struggling with the door handle before the door popped open and she jumped out of the lifted truck. "Jo will give me a ride home."

"All right, Catnip. If you need anything call me." Gale's engine roared to life as he sped away toward the interstate. Katniss turned to face the building's facade and tried to steady her emotions. She didn't want to walk into Johanna's dressing room a wreck and distract her. She smoothed out her pleated purple skirt; it was Johanna's favorite that she wore. Not only because it was Johanna's favorite color, but also because it came above mid-thigh and was the shortest skirt Katniss owned.

_Driving in your car because I never want to go home. Because I haven't got one anymore._

The loud noise of drums and brass instruments blared into Katniss's face as she entered the club. Bogey gave her a hearty wave from his station behind the counter. Katniss waved back and strode toward him as he clapped his hands. "Well my my, Miss Everdeen, don't you look like a picture?" He took off his newsboy cap, revealing his cropped gray hair as he placed the plaid material over his heart. "I don't know if I should let you back there. Lookin' like that Jo-annie may never come out of that dressing room."

Katniss smirked at the adorable nickname that she was  _sure_ Johanna didn't want her to know. "Don't you worry, I'll make sure she's out on time. She's in her room?" He nodded and smiled, about to speak again until his attention was brought to the door by another friendly patron calling his name. Katniss made her way toward the back of the club, walking down the familiar hallway until she got to the unmarked dressing room.

She knocked hard as she heard the muffled but loud strains of music coming from inside. A smile appeared on her face as she heard Johanna's impatient grumble on the other side of the door. She placed one hand on her hip and slid the other up the door frame, looking as "come-hither" as she could. Her light cardigan rode up her stomach, exposing the tanned skin of her abdomen.

"What do you -" Johanna cut herself off as she took in the tempting sight of Katniss. Chocolate eyes dragged from high-heel to hairline and without much conscious thought she wet her lips. The corners of her mouth lifted up into a smirk. Katniss had a way of making even the most mundane of outfits look sinfully sexy. The unassuming way she wore them, the perfect fit of her hips against the fabric; Johanna was sure there was not another human being alive who possessed that talent.

"Oh gee whiz, Johanna Mason. I'm just your biggest fan!" Katniss drawled at the doorway, pretending to fan herself with her hand. Johanna stood silent, her smirking visage allowing Katniss to continue. "If I could just have one minute of your time." Johanna beckoned Katniss toward her with a curled finger, shutting the door behind her once Katniss entered. Her eyes stared hungrily at her skirt until Katniss came up close to her and lifted her gaze. Gray eyes traveled the length of Johanna's outfit - a pair of skintight leather pants, a roughed up pair of Doc Martens on her feet and a forest green button-down blouse that was rolled up to her elbows. "You look so hot."

"So do you, darlin'." Katniss blushed a little. She loved when Johanna called her that. She got this bit of a country drawl in her voice and it was super attractive. She brought her lips to the other girl and kissed her with closed lips, but applied a lot of pressure. Johanna slowly ran her tongue along Katniss's lower lip before the taller girl pulled away.

_Oh please don't drop me home. Because it's not my home, it's their home. And I'm welcome no more._

She flickered her gray eyes down to the other girl and smiled. "I can't wait to get you out of those pants later."

Johanna chuckled, weaving her fingers through Katniss's hair and pulling her in for another kiss. "That's going to be quite a feat. Fortunately for me," her hands traveled down Katniss's body until she met with the hem of the skirt. She trailed her fingertips upward until she met the lacy edge of Katniss's panties on her hips, "You made this pretty easy for me."

"Nuh uh," Katniss countered, swatting Johanna's wandering hand away from her pelvis. Johanna gave her a petulant pout and Katniss grinned. "Not until after your show."

"But Katniss," Johanna outright whined and stomped her foot. Katniss barely restrained the amused grin on her face as her girlfriend crossed her arms over her chest. "I need to nimble up my fingers in preparation." A mischievous smirk appeared on Johanna's face as she tried to grapple with Katniss's skirt and was swatted away again.

"I agree, but I think you need to 'nimble up your fingers' on the piano in preparation for  _me_ ," Katniss replied, wrapping her arms around Johanna's waist and pulling their bodies close. She enjoyed the fit of their bodies together. Her hip bones settled on top of Johanna's pelvis, her thighs nestled against Johanna's, her breasts just barely grazing the other girl's. A perfect fit.

Johanna's pout finally melted into a grin and she nodded, lifting her head up to capture her girlfriend's lips in another kiss. "Deal."

_To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side well the pleasure, the privilege is mine._

* * *

Katniss found her seat in the audience; a specially reserved table with a flute of champagne and a small placard with her name on it. It was near the front but off to the side in front of the piano which was to the right of the stage. A few of the patrons cast her some skeptical looks, clearly miffed by her young age and great seat. Katniss did as she did every day in school - ignored the stares and hoped to see Johanna soon. Her gaze went around the room until she hit an unmistakeable sight: Effie Trinket. Her bright purple wig made her stand out among the other patrons, as did her atrocious make-up.

Bogey, now dressed sharply in a three-piece suit came on stage to a light round of applause. "Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the highlight of the week. These guys and gals have been giving us those old tunes we love with a new flair every week. And givin' some new tunes some old flair! And maybe it's my old age talkin' but every week it sounds fresh!" The crowd gave him a lighthearted laugh and he in return gave them a short nod. "It's my pleasure, my privilege and my duty as owner to introduce The Tributes!"

Katniss's eyes stayed on Effie as the band came on the stage to a loud round of claps and hollers from the audience. Effie seemed particularly excited so Katniss followed her eyes until she saw him. Mr. Abernathy. He picked up the large guitar on the stand near the far side of the stage and wrapped it around his back, giving a small wave to the audience. Two men emerged from behind the large red curtain and picked up a saxophone and a trumpet each, testing out the valves and buttons without making a noise. _  
_

Johanna entered silently from the right, sitting down at the piano and taking a swig from a bottle of water the stage crew had set up on top of her large, black piano. A man Katniss didn't recognize sat behind the small drum kit and a tall woman stood behind Haymitch and a large double-bass. The blonde man nodded and the band began to play to the delight of the crowd.

_There's just one place for me, near you. It's like heaven to be, near you._

Katniss couldn't help but stare at Johanna. The way her fingers moved effortlessly across the keys, alternating between tinkling and slamming them with such ease it looked like she could do it with her eyes closed. The brunette lifted the champagne glass to her lips and sipped, letting the bubbly liquid slide down her throat and warm her belly. She remembered back to when she was first falling for Johanna, watching her hands manipulate the clay in pottery class. She recalled the way Johanna had played her father's old piano with the same ease and focus that her father had. Maybe that was partially why she was so drawn to Johanna. Her determination, her musical talents, her short temper, it was all reminiscent of her father. The Freudian implications of that aside, Katniss knew she had never felt for anyone what she felt for Johanna.

Her mind went back to what her mother had said.  _I think maybe you ought to have a little time apart._ How could she when every moment she spent away from Johanna felt like a part of her was missing? Was it truly because this was her first love? Katniss wasn't sure how anyone could tell the difference between first love and true love because they felt the same.

_Times when we're apart I can't face my heart._

She couldn't imagine loving anyone they way she loved Johanna. And the other girl felt the same. As her fingers danced across the piano she looked from her sheet music - which she barely looked at anymore - to Katniss, giddily watching her from the front seat. The nerves that had plagued her every day until that night dissipated into thin air as she saw the loving way she was staring at her. How wonderful it felt to be swept into those gray eyes.

Her mother had warned her not to get too involved with Katniss. Her own experience of marrying her high school sweetheart and watching his life unravel before them had tainted her perception of young love. She hadn't gone so far as to announce it as foolishness, but she heavily implied it. Johanna had taken offense at first, obviously, at the affront to her feelings and her logic. The more she thought about it though, the more sense her mother made. They were still seventeen. Eighteen in a few months, but on the tail of that "landmark" birthday was the inevitable: college. She had already begun preparing her entrance material for Julliard in New York.

_Say you'll never stray more than just two lips away._

They never talked about where they were going for college. Katniss was smart so Johanna assumed she'd be applying to colleges all over the country, maybe even some overseas. Johanna had her heart set on Julliard since kindergarten so she knew she'd only be applying maybe four other places. She had even already planned her trip there in February for her in-person audition. For some reason, whenever she thought of telling Katniss, she didn't. It seemed superstitious to mention it.

What if Katniss wanted to stay home and go to a community college? What if she got accepted to Stanford and lived across the country? What would happen to them then? Would they,  _could they_ , attempt a long distance relationship? The only dream she had ever had since she was a child was to attend the prestigious Julliard. That was a dream she wouldn't sacrifice for anything, or anyone.

_If my hours could be spent, near you. I'd be more than content, near you._

They never discussed their future. They spent so much time in each other's present that talking about where they'd be next fall seemed inappropriate. But the discussion would come up eventually. Johanna was already dreading it.

She forced herself to push those thoughts deep into the back of her brain. Tonight was about showing Katniss what she could do with a piano. She was letting the girl in on a piece of her she reserved for herself. One of the last standing walls around her heart. The way Katniss was staring at her, she knew she had made the right decision. Her heart was full as she continued to bang away at her piano, throwing winks and sly glances her girlfriend's way.

_I'll spend the rest of my days near you._

Haymitch's gravely voice ceased singing as he neared the end of another of his songs. The room erupted in applause and everyone but the seated Johanna gave a small bow. He took a pull from his flask and held it out in cheers to the crowd. "I know you're all tired of my voice so I'm gonna hand it over to Jo."

Katniss was surprised at how excited everyone seemed. Not because she didn't Johanna was worthy of the adulation, but because clearly this was a bigger section of Johanna's life than she thought. People came here specifically to see her. She had  _fans_.

The band started up again and Katniss was floored when she heard her. Johanna's voice. Her  _singing_  voice. The same voice Katniss had heard high pitched in whines and low growls of pleasure. The same voice that had talked her down from nightmares and had sometimes yelled out in her own. Here it was, filling the room with its high lilt and almost country edge. How Johanna ever let those girls are school make her feel small was baffling. But maybe that's what love is. Not understanding your partner's insecurities because where they see flaws, you see stars.

She looked around the room eager to see other people's reactions to her girlfriend. They all seemed equally enthralled. When Haymitch's scratchy voice joined hers it sounded beautiful. It sounded to Katniss like the forest; he the crunching of leaves underfoot and she the birdsong in the trees.

One of the men on the brass replaced Johanna on the piano so she could grab the microphone and move around freely. She stepped off the stage as they began another song. Katniss recognized the tune as Peggy Lee's "Fever." Johanna moved from table to table, serenading different couples.

She sat on a man's lap, her arm draped around his shoulder. His wife feigned being upset so Johanna got up and splayed herself across the woman's lap instead, twirling the woman's hair around her finger as she sang. Even from far away she could feel the lady's blush. Johanna seemed to have that effect. Katniss felt the sharp, unnecessary pang of jealousy strike her between the ribs. Johanna strutted over to other tables, at one point arcing her back completely over a woman's lap, singing upside down, her hair touching the carpet. Katniss felt herself gripping the sides of the chair as the woman began lightly touching the beat against Johanna's exposed abdomen.

 _Her_  Johanna.  _Hers hers hers._

As she approached Katniss the brunette couldn't help but smile. The music had dipped into an instrumental break so Johanna sat on Katniss's lap and drank the rest of her champagne. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want more?" she asked into the microphone, eliciting chuckles from the audience.

Katniss played along and nodded. Johanna beckoned a waiter who immediately produced another bottle of champagne. Johanna took the cork between her molars and spat it at the stage toward Haymitch. The shaggy-haired man recoiled in disgust and shook his head at her. The raven-haired girl went to pour it in her glass but stopped. A devilish grin on her face, she took a swig of the drink and motioned for Katniss to tip her head back. As she did Johanna leaned down and kissed her, releasing some of the bubbly into her mouth and swallowing the rest. The warmth of the alcohol and the way it had been administered made Katniss's gray eyes flash with desire and she wrapped her hand around Johanna's neck and pulled her into another, deep kiss. She tasted the champagne on Johanna's tongue, but also ...vodka. That "bottle of water" was definitely not water. Her teeth tugged on Johanna's lip as the girl tried to break away.

Johanna refilled Katniss's glass and took the rest of the bottle with her, taking generous swigs of the liquor in between vocalizing. They performed about four more songs with Johanna singing lead, alternating between standing behind the piano and straddling some embarrassed person's waist. Katniss was elated to see this confident, sexualized version of Johanna but she realized quickly she didn't want to share it with everyone else. She wanted it to herself.

She never said she wasn't selfish.

* * *

Johanna was met out in the lobby by a bunch of appreciative patrons congratulation her and the band on their performance. This circle-jerk was always self-indulgent to the raven-haired girl, but she tolerated it for Bogey. He liked when she hobnobbed with the people who had paid a high price to sit in his little club and see them perform.

Finally Katniss emerged from the sea of black and white tuxes, looking radiant in her purple skirt and white top. As much as she adored Katniss's signature braid, she much preferred when she let her hair down in loose ringlets around her shoulders. She liked to thread her fingers through the brunette locks and grip them tightly while she kissed the daylights out of her.

_We're never done with killing time. Can I kill it with you? 'Til our veins run red and blue._

"You ready to leave?" Johanna asked, draping her hands over Katniss's shoulders and boring her deep brown eyes into Katniss's grays. She gave a quick look around and set her lips in a line. "I wanna get the hell out of here. I hate this part."

Katniss nodded and took Johanna's offered hand. The dark-haired girl gave Bogey a wave as she slipped them both out of a side exit Katniss hadn't even seen until that moment. Instead of Johanna's old car it was Polly's roughed-up pick-up truck sitting in the alleyway in between the two buildings. It was dim except for the pale wash of yellow light coming from above the door of the club.

Johanna opened the passenger's side door and helped Katniss up inside the cab. Katniss settled into the high bucket seat, buckling her seat belt and giving herself a peek in the side view mirror. Along with her reflection she could see two figures behind them standing closely. The light didn't quite reach them but Katniss could see a broad-shouldered man and a petite woman holding each other.

_We come around here all the time. Got a lot to not do. Let me kill it with you._

Johanna hopped in the driver's seat and buckled in, adjusting her rearview mirror. She watched Katniss stare into her side-view mirror and raised an eyebrow, looking in the rearview to try and see what had her so engrossed. A smug grin came on her face as she turned the engine over and shifted the car into gear.

"Is that-?"

"Yes," Johanna confirmed with a nod of her head, taking off on to the busy city street, leaving the affectionate couple alone in the alleyway. "Haymitch and Effie have been together for like six or seven years, I think." Katniss's jaw slacked but she offered no response. Her mind was working double time to try and fit Haymitch, the curmudgeon-y man he was, with the bubbly and effervescent Effie. What sort of life decisions had led them together?

"That's ...interesting." Johanna looked over at Katniss and laughed, taking her hand and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it before returning her own hand to the gear shift. She led them back toward Panem, but instead of going back into town to one of their homes, she headed out toward the lake. On some nights there would be kids swimming or bonfires on the small clearing before the water, but tonight there was no one.

Johanna backed the truck up until it was near the edge of the water and cut the engine. She climbed out of the car and went to the back, opening up the door to the flat bed in the back. Perplexed but compliant Katniss hopped out of the passenger's side door and went around to the back of the truck, where Johanna was waiting. As she looked into the back of the truck she didn't see the usual pile of lumber and tarps that seemed to be permanently stuck to the car. Instead it was a mess of blankets and pillows.

_You pick me up and bring me home again. Head out the window again._

Johanna grinned and motioned with her head toward the truck. "Hop in!" She kicked off her own boots and sat on the edge of the truck, peeling herself out of her leather pants and sighing as the slightly cool air hit her damp legs. She shuffled backward until she fell into the plush pile she had created. She slid her hands underneath her head and looked up at the stars. Johanna draped a blanket over her naked waist and reached into her pillow and pulled out her iPod, settling it behind her head and pressing the shuffle. The truck moved under Katniss's weight as she climbed forward toward Johanna and plopped into the blankets, tossing her arm over Johanna's waist and staring over at her.

They laid there in silence for a while, with Johanna's eyes on the stars and Katniss's eyes on her until the brunette finally broke the silence. "You were amazing tonight, you know," she said, rubbing her hand up and down the length of Johanna's side. Johanna smiled but still didn't look over at her girlfriend. "I've never seen you like that. I think that's the happiest I've ever seen you."

Johanna chuckled and finally moved her head to the side to face Katniss, peering at her from over her arm. "Then you haven't been looking at me close enough." Katniss scrunched her nose in confusion and Johanna slid her arm underneath Katniss's pillow to get a better look at her. "I'm happiest with you."

She leaned over and kissed her on the nose before returning to her position to stare at the sky. Light wisps of clouds blocked some of their view, but away from Panem and the city the stars were brightest. Puncturing the clouds like a flashlight through a blanket. Each of them remained lost in their thoughts, meeting occasionally with thoughts of each other, but venturing in different directions.

_We're hollow like the bottles that we drain._

"Jo?" Johanna hummed in response. "Do you believe in God?"

The shorter girl continued looking up at the twinkling starlight above them, musing for that thought for a long time before venturing toward an answer. She had grown up attending church on Sundays until she got old enough to decline going to the services. It seemed like a place that you would go for solace, for reason. Johanna never found either of those things within the stained-glass walls. She only found more questions.

"Not strictly," she responded lightly. Katniss looked over at her, imploring her to continue. "I mean, I don't believe that there's one big white dude in the sky puppeteering the world. Cutting the strings of fate or intervening in lives." Katniss nodded, turning completely on her side to face Johanna as she spoke. She watched the calm rise and fall of Johanna's chest as she spoke. "I can see why people do, though. How amazing to think this isn't just some fucking crazy cosmic accident. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?"

"I guess so," Katniss responded.

Johanna turned on her side and faced her girlfriend. "It would be cool if there was. If there was actually retribution for the fuckheads who shit on other people's lives. And some reward for people who did some good." She paused. "I believe that other people believe it. And if that gives them peace or hope then more power to 'em."

"It also creates a lot of hate," Katniss added with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, sure it does. But people hate each other for no reason all the time. You remove religion out of the equation and people will find another reason to hate each other. But I don't worry about it, really."

"No?" Katniss looked down toward the blankets. "I think about it a lot. About my dad."

_Pulses can drive from here. We might be hollow but we're brave._

Johanna moved some of Katniss's hair behind her ear and ran it along the length of Katniss's arm until she threaded their fingers together. "It's hard to believe there's a reason for all this when something like that happens. But maybe there is no reason. Maybe sometimes life sucks." Katniss chuckled. "But it's also fucking amazing. Just look up. All those fucking stars. You're not only looking at a big hot ball of gas... you're looking back in time, you know? That star could be long gone by now, but we're seeing what it was. It doesn't care if it served a purpose or not. If it warmed a planet or collided with another star. It just shone as brightly as it could and then went out."

Johanna rummaged underneath the blankets and withdrew a small bottle of some sort of rum. She took off the cap and took a long swig, then handed it to Katniss who parroted the action. "I wish I believed in God. Life would be easier that way."

Johanna snorted and shook her head. "Easy isn't better. Is it easier to think that there's some grand plan and a heaven in the clouds? Sure. But reality is better than that. You're just a combination of stardust and earth that learned to be aware of itself. You can choose and love and hate and feel.  _Music_ , Katniss. You can make music. And you do all of it... you live life and you love deeply even though you know there's nothing at the end. Even though you know it  _will_ end. Because it's beautiful, you know? There's so much beauty in knowing how brief life is."

_And I like you. I like these roads where the houses don't change._

Katniss rolled over and placed half her body on top of Johanna's, running her fingers along the cool skin of her girlfriend's legs. She placed a gentle kiss below Johanna's ear. "I'm in love with you, Johanna."

Brown eyes expressed surprise at first, but the slow creep of adoration filled them as she looked down at Katniss. She didn't need to believe in God. She believed in Katniss. She believed that all good things can come from within something you love and that's where she drew her meaning. From within the heart of Katniss. "I'm in love with you too, darlin'."

_Where we can talk like there's something to say._

A need surged though Katniss's veins that propelled her upward. She opened the blanket and straddled Johanna's bare waist and crossed her arms, pulling her shirt off over her head and tossing it down next to some of the pillows. Johanna's hands immediately found her stomach, tracing over the soft skin and muscle there. Every time she saw Katniss it was like a revelation. She didn't need ink and paper to explain her what a miracle life was. Seeing desire in her girlfriend's eyes and feeling her body move and flex beneath her touch was enough.

Katniss slowly unbuttoned Johanna's blouse, her eyes locked on the wide brown ones she adored as her fingers slowly worked downward. Her palms spread across Johanna's chest as she pushed the shirt off of her. Johanna shrugged her arms out of the sleeves and watched Katniss gaze down at her. Her torso felt cold now that it was exposed to the night air, but Katniss's hands began to warm her as they traversed across her breasts and ribcage.

_I'm glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway._

She leaned down and nuzzled into Johanna's ribs, lacing wet kisses along the small poke of bone against skin. Her lips dotted upward in between Johanna's breasts until she finally landed on her lips, seizing them in a feverish kiss that threatened to take both of their breaths from their lungs. Katniss groaned quietly as she felt Johanna wrap her fingers in her hair, tugging at her as they kissed.

Katniss used the blanket and draped it over her shoulders, shielding them both from the cool breeze coming off the lake. It was oddly thrilling, having Johanna outside in the woods. A place where Katniss felt comfortable and most herself. The sound of the wind in the trees and the occasional chirp of a cricket and now, the sounds of Johanna's ragged breathing as she began her descent toward her center.

_We move in the tree streets. I'd like it if you stayed._

Johanna's preference was not to sit back and take pleasure laying down. She felt flattened by the immensity of the stars above her head and the persistent pleasure of Katniss's tongue and fingers inside her. Caught between the past in the sky and the future in Katniss's loving (albeit lust-filled) eyes. She didn't try and grab Katniss's hair and move her like she normally would have, or cupped her own breasts to heighten her pleasure. Her hands went behind her head and she just relaxed into Katniss's touch.

Katniss looked up briefly from her position in between Johanna's legs and saw the delirious, lazy smile on Johanna's mouth. Her own lips made a grin against Johanna's folds and she dipped her head to return to her quest in unraveling her girlfriend as slowly as possible. She tasted sweet with the slight tang of sweat. Her face was so relaxed Katniss wasn't even sure if she was receiving pleasure anymore. Johanna seemed blissfully lost somewhere with her eyes closed and her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

Her hands on Johanna's legs felt the tremor in her muscles and she began to quicken her pace against Johanna's insides, the sound of her fingers clicking in and out of Johanna's wetness and the lapping of her tongue humming over the din of the forest. Her ragged breaths were replaced by quiet whines of pleasure as her body began to release the coil of orgasm within her. While normally she enjoyed being close to Johanna's face when she came, absorbing her screams into her mouth or simply watching her eyes flutter out of control, tonight she was happy to feel the quiver and shake of Johanna's clitoris against her tongue as the wetness seeped from within her and left a small darkened spot on the blanket below her.

Her mouth continued to work against Johanna's sex, her lips wrapping around the swollen nub and sucking until Johanna came undone once more. This time she was less quiet, she let her voice echo against the trees as expletives and Katniss's name bounced around the woods and back into the night sky. Her hips landed with a soft thud against the blanket as Katniss wiped her mouth on the blanket and moved against Johanna's body.

Questions about their future could fuck off, Johanna thought. The night was young, they were young, and the future could wait. She was more her father's child than she would ever admit.

_We're getting good at this._

* * *

Music: "There's A Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths, "Near You" by The Andrews Sisters, and "400 Lux" by Lorde.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Rape

ohanna had a hard time remembering the last time she had climbed a fence of any sort. As a child she had loved to climb the trees in her backyard; she and some early childhood friends would have races to see who could climb to the top the fastest. Johanna rarely lost on account of being smaller than everyone and scaling trees came as easily to her as breathing. This vine-covered trellis on the side of Katniss's house was a bit more difficult.

Music played constantly in Johanna's head, whether it was consciously or not. Mostly it was either the last song she had heard, or some foreign strain she would try and remember to record or right down. And sometimes, like that moment, it was a relevant tune like a soundtrack to her life. Tonight it was the hard snare and guitar combination of Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window." Appropriate and a little funny. Johanna kept climbing.

The night sky looked like the squalid lake she and Katniss had sat in front of a few days earlier, falling asleep under the stars. Tonight the stars were hidden behind a white sheen of wispy clouds as Johanna let out a grunt and placed her sneaker on the trellis. It was like something out of a story book or a country song; when Katniss returned home in the early morning after their night in the back of the truck, Mrs. Everdeen was, well, as angry as Mrs. Everdeen gets. As Katniss told it, it was kind of like watching a pot of water boil. She grounded Katniss for three weeks, only allowing her to leave the house to take Prim to ballet lessons and to see Gale. She was forbidden to see Johanna in an agreement with which Polly had reluctantly agreed. Instead of abiding by this, Johanna was scaling the wall of the Everdeen house in an attempt to get to Katniss's bedroom.

She hoisted herself below the window and gave it a few raps as she held onto the windowsill. Her hands were white from the paint residue on the side of house as she waited impatiently for Katniss to come to the pane. The brunette appeared and smiled, unlocking the window and pushing up the screen. The waft of warm summer air hit her in the face as she grinned at the sweating face of her girlfriend.

"Isn't this romantic? It's like Romeo and Juliet." Johanna groaned in displeasure at the comparison and hoisted herself up, crawling through the open window and on to Katniss's floor. She brushed off her jeans and gave Katniss a once over. "Jo-meo and Juliet." Katniss grinned even wider. "Romeo and Jo-liet." She giggled quietly to herself.

Johanna put her hands on her hips and jutted it out to the side. Her eyes narrowed perceptibly at the taller girl. "If I wasn't so intent on keeping quiet I would be tickling you right now." With a fond smile she kissed Katniss sweetly, holding her face between her hands. "Besides, that's a horrible comparison. They kill themselves over a relationship they had for like three days. I've sat at red lights for longer than they dated."

Katniss ran her fingers along the collar of Johanna's open plaid shirt, running her fingertips down the soft cotton to Johanna's midsection. She was as in love with Johanna in plaid shirts as Johanna is with her in skirts. Something about how femininely butch Johanna looked in them drove her crazy. She'd wear them buttoned up, open and revealing a tight tank top, sleeves rolled up and sleeves rolled down, and her favorite was after sex when it was just her tiny plaid shirt open, usually revealing both her breasts unabashedly.

In one fell swoop she pushed the shorter girl back on to her mattress. Johanna looked surprised but didn't speak in fear of Mrs. Everdeen or Prim overhearing them. Katniss climbed on top of her, straddling her waist in her tight fitting black cotton shorts. She took Johanna's hands and brought them to her lips, giving them a brief kiss before slamming them back onto the bed.

"What are you doing?" Johanna whispered in a tone thick with arousal. Her heart was still racing from her climb but now the quickened pace was a result of being on the receiving end of a very aggressive Katniss.

"Payback." Her lips immediately sought Johanna's racing pulse point on her neck, lacing wet kisses against the soft skin there. She felt Johanna's heart beat on her tongue and her mouth turned in a smile. Johanna was always so confident and firm in herself that it was totally arousing to be able to unwind her with just a few simple movements of her tongue.

"But your mother, your sister..." Johanna sputtered like an old boat as Katniss continued to move her lips around the extremely sensitive skin of her neck. "They could hear us," she pleaded with Katniss weakly, her resolve dying quickly.

Katniss brought her face up so it was just above Johanna's, her wet lips barely touching the top of the other girl. "Then you'll have to be quiet then, won't you? A little like we're in..." Her challenging gray eyes went to the wall, then back to Johanna with her dark brow arching very slowly. "A library."

"O- _oh_ ," Johanna groaned at both the memory and the new contact of Katniss's hands running laps around her stomach and breasts. "That's unfair." It was unfair, yes, but Johanna was not going to complain. She hadn't seen Katniss in over six days and it had been absolute hell. Nothing on this planet paralleled the feeling of Katniss Everdeen's skin against her own, clear gray eyes staring into the brown abyss of hers.

She was certain of one thing: nothing could keep them apart.

* * *

When the three weeks came to a close Katniss resumed spending nearly every night at the Mason home tucked away in Johanna's loft with her. Reading, watching television, making love or listening to Johanna play her music. On the nights when Johanna and Finnick worked Katniss stayed home, trying to appease her mother's growing discomfort with how much time she spent with her girlfriend.

It was a delicate balance but one she didn't have to worry about for much longer. In two weeks they'd be back at school and she'd again be spending more time with Prim and more time home with her schoolwork. She couldn't do schoolwork with Johanna because she was ...distracting. Every time she'd sit down to write a paper her girlfriend's arms would somehow find their way around her waist. Her lips would find a way to her skin soon after and then all educational thoughts were thrown out the window.

For now she was content sitting on Johanna's plush bed, absorbing herself in a dystopian novel that Johanna had picked out for her a few days prior. Her girlfriend sat in the corner of her room, headphones on, completely cut off from everything around her. Her brown eyes scrutinizing her fingers as they moved across the guitar's fretboard. The sound was muted and traveled into Johanna's ears, but the deep vibrate of her phone made Katniss look over at her.

Johanna stopped her playing and picked up her phone, reading the message on her screen and tossing it onto her amplifier, annoyed. Whoever had been texting her had done so about ten times since Katniss had arrived. Each time Johanna had ignored him or her and looked even more cross. If it was Finnick surely Johanna would have answered him by now. Jealously Katniss assumed it was someone Johanna had slept with. Some girl who wanted her back or wanted to see her. She wouldn't pry so unfortunately her imagination ran wild.

Polly knocked on the door to Johanna's room and since Johanna was deeply involved in her music Katniss called for her to come in. The woman stepped into the room, smiling affectionately at the girl on her daughter's bed. She was glad that Clara had allowed their daughters to see each other again; Johanna had been a brooding mess the entire three weeks. So much so that Polly pretended not to notice when Johanna would sneak out at night to see Katniss.

Johanna looked up and nodded to her mother, then back down at her hands as she would manipulate a few notes and then furiously scribble them down in a nearby music composition notebook. "I'm going over to the Diamant house for a while, evidently they are not wasting any time since their daughter is leaving for college, and they need me to begin turning her bedroom into another office."

" _Another_ office?" Katniss repeated, placing her book down on the bed. She frowned briefly at her book, realizing she had forgotten to place a bookmark in it, then back up to Johanna's mother.

Polly laughed and nodded her head, adjusting her tool belt around her waist. "Yeah, an additional office. Mr. Diamant is tired of sharing his office with his wife." Her brown eyes rolled in her head and she looked not unlike her daughter in that moment. It made the ends of Katniss's mouth turn upward. "You girls take care, I'll be back late tonight."

Katniss glanced at the alarm clock next to Johanna's bed and shuffled off the comforter. Her movement finally broke Johanna from her concentration and she pulled her headphones around her neck. "You're leaving?"

The brunette nodded her head as she filed her books into her worn canvas backpack that she swung over her shoulder. She tread across the room toward her girlfriend, kissing her gently on the lips. "Yeah, I should get home for dinner." Johanna looked extremely confused, since typically alone time was something they strove to have together. "I'll call you later."

She nodded her head, giving Katniss a small smile as she walked out the door. "Do you want me to drive you home?" Polly asked, leaning her back against the doorjamb of Johanna's room, her arms crossed over her chest.

"No, it's not on your way there," Katniss refused politely. "And it's a nice night. I'd like to walk." Polly followed Katniss down the stairs and out of their home, waving goodbye to the young girl as she climbed into her pick-up truck. Her engine roared down the street as she took off toward First Street and Katniss made her way home.

It had started out as a nice night but as Katniss was crossing Ninth Street she saw the cumulonimbus clouds coagulating across the sky, threatening rain for her walk home. The gray clouds blotted out the twinkle of starlight and in the distance Katniss saw a bright bolt of lightning bear down on the earth and incinerate the ground somewhere. As she skittered across the street to Eleventh the rain began pouring down hard, coating her t-shirt and jeans within just a few seconds.

She usually enjoyed a freak summer thunderstorm, but from the safety of her home or underneath the canopy of a tree. The oppressively large droplets pounded down on her skin and hair, matting everything to her body until she finally reached the front door of her home. A tentative run of her fingers through her hair indicated that she indeed would need to shower to untangle the otherworldly mess her hair had become.

Across town Johanna sat up in her room, one headphone on her ear, the other to the side as she picked apart more notes on her guitar. The rattle of her phone broke her concentration  _again_ but this time she hoped it was Katniss so she picked up the sleek mobile and hazarded a glance. It wasn't Katniss. Cashmere had been texting her all night, increasingly furious (and somewhat comical in their over-the-top desperation) messages about not being ignored and wanting to see Johanna again before she left for college. _  
_

Johanna was relieved that she was finally going to be rid of the blonde woman. Her entanglement with Cashmere was something that weighed heavily on her during her otherwise light times with Katniss. She knew that her girlfriend was prone to jealousy and having Cashmere always threatening on the periphery of their relationship was not something she wanted.

Her fingers stilled on her guitar as she heard the front door to her house open and close. Whoever it was stayed near the threshold for a few moments, the muffled sounds of fabric shaking floated up toward Johanna's room. Maybe her mother had forgotten something. Footsteps clicked against the hardwood and Johanna's eyes narrowed. That clicking sounded like high heels as far as Johanna could tell. They got louder as the person got closer to her door until they stopped entirely right outside her room.

Johanna's eyes quickly scanned the room for a weapon; a useless endeavor since whoever was standing there was probably female and Johanna felt confident in her ability to take down another woman. She placed her guitar in the stand by her feet and stood as the person opened her door and let herself in. Her pale hands clenched at her sides as she took in the slightly disheveled appearance of Cashmere.

Wicked green eyes took in Johanna with a wide grin. "So this is where you've been hiding, huh? Up in your tower." Cashmere tossed her jacket over a nearby chair, the drenched coat dripping water on Johanna's floor. In spite of the heavy rain coming down outside Cashmere looked insufferably put together, as she always did. A ruffled white skirt that could barely be called a skirt it was so short and a black blouse tucked into it. A few necklaces dangled from her neck and nestled in between her breasts, shining with gold and diamonds.

The blonde girl closed the door behind her, pulling the chair with her coat in front of it. "How the fuck did you get in my house?" Johanna asked, not moving from her stance near her instruments.

Cashmere shrugged and dismissed her inquiry with a wave of her hand. "Your mother always leaves the door unlocked. I remember that from our days during church." Johanna's penetrating gaze drooped to the ground as she guiltily recalled all the Sundays she spent with Cashmere in her bed. At the time trading mass for sex seemed like the most fruitful solution to her aversion to religion, but now she regretted it. It only seemed to further Cashmere's misguided notions that they had something in common other than sex.

"Okay, then  _why_ the fuck are you in my house? I think I made it perfectly clear by ignoring you that I don't want to see you anymore. Ever. Like in life." Her arms crossed defensively over her chest, attempting to hide her intense trepidation about having Cashmere in her room. What if Katniss came back to surprise her and found Cashmere in here? She'd think they were fooling around; she already left in a weird mood.

"I leave for college tomorrow and you don't even want to wish me good luck?" Cashmere took a step toward Johanna and tilted her head to the side. "I remember telling you that next time I called, you would answer or I would tell Katniss all about your dirty, dark secrets." She took another step toward Johanna. "And somehow, you beat me to it." Johanna's eyebrows rose to her hairline. "Oh, she didn't tell you? I paid your girlfriend a visit a few days ago. All my attempts at making her hate you failed." Cashmere rolled her eyes. "She loves you."

Johanna smirked at the other girl, feeling empowered by Cashmere's admission of defeat. "Looks like you lost then, doesn't it dear?"

The temporary scowl on Cashmere's face morphed into something downright sinister. A loud crash of thunder sounded off next to them through Johanna's open window, and the light above their heads cut off. The low whir of the air conditioning ceased and the room was only lit periodically by bright flashes of lightning. "Oh I wouldn't say that. You see, Johanna honey, all I wanted was for us to have one more night together. Satisfy this itch I've been having."

The blonde woman took a final step toward Johanna, pinning the back of the shorter girl's knees against her chair. Johanna didn't sit down but her torso bent back a little to avoid touching Cashmere. "Get away from me."

Cashmere chuckled and shook her head, reaching her hands up to pull her hair out of its tight ponytail and allowing her blonde locks to cascade on to her shoulders. "When I was a freshman I wanted to be a varsity cheerleader. Normally freshmen are not allowed to even try out, but the head cheerleader said I had potential so she let me. I nailed it, naturally, but there was something in my way. A girl. Some nobody junior with perky tits and a squeaky voice. The decision ultimately came down to either me or her."

Johanna didn't understand why she was being given this irrelevant monologue. If Cashmere wanted to have sex then she was going to leave sorely disappointed because Johanna held no desire for anyone outside of Katniss. In the darkness she heard a click and years of watching films placed the noise in her mind almost as quickly as the metal softly made contact with her forehead. "Is that a gun?" Johanna whispered, her voice trembling although she wished it not to.

Cashmere chuckled. "It sure is. Good call, Mason. It's a 23 caliber handgun. I think they call it a Glock 23. Used by police forces all across the country. You'd be surprised how easy it is to get a hold of one of these." She grabbed Johanna's shirt with her free hand and tossed her across the room toward the bed. Johanna felt her legs hit the side of her mattress but she stood, her eyes darting toward the door. Another bright flash of lightning lit Cashmere and she saw the small pistol in her hand, aimed toward her. "My daddy keeps this in his bedroom to ward off intruders. But his safe lock is so easy to guess it's a joke. Sit down, please."

Johanna obliged, fear spreading across her chest. Cashmere went over toward the door, positioning the chair underneath the door handle so both exit and entry would be more difficult. She rummaged in her pocket as she spoke again. "Well, as you know, I can be pretty competitive. I was not going to lose my shot at being the first freshman in Panem history to make the varsity cheerleading squad on her first tryout. Especially not to some dumb slut."

Cashmere withdrew something jangling and metal from her coat pocket and sauntered across the room back toward Johanna. She motioned with her pistol but Johanna could barely make her out in the darkness. "Lay down on the bed." Johanna followed her instructions and felt Cashmere crawl across her, sitting down on her hips. She tucked the gun into her waistband and Johanna felt cold steel wrap around her racing pulses as Cashmere secured her to her bed. This was not the first time she had ever done this with Cashmere, but it was the first time she did it unwillingly.

Like any hostage she tugged at her restraints futilely. Cashmere smirked down at her handiwork, relishing the feeling of power in having Johanna helpless beneath her. It had been far too long since she had felt the warmth of Johanna's lithe body against her own. The soft curves of her stomach were preferable to the hard abs of her boyfriend. "Anyway, so it comes down to me and the Superslut. And wouldn't you know it? Somehow she falls down the stairs in the hallway the day before the results were going to be posted." Cashmere pouted mockingly. "Poor thing, broken leg and everything. Just couldn't make the squad that year."

Johanna's eyes, nearly black as night in the consuming darkness of her room, widened. Cashmere was a fucking psycho. "You pushed her down the stairs? You fucking crazy bitch."

Cashmere snickered and ran the mouth of the gun along Johanna's jawline. "Oh no honey, I didn't push her. You think I would do that dirty work myself? Hardly." She paused. "She tripped. She tripped and I was on that squad." She leaned down close to Johanna's face, placing her lips on her cheek. "I always get what I want. I wanted varsity, I got varsity. I wanted you and I got you. You think us fucking at that party was an accident?"

"I think you're a crazy person," Johanna replied as evenly as she could considering there was a gun placed directly in the side of her face.

"You're probably right but rich kids  _don't_  go crazy. They  _don't_  go to jail and they  _don't_  lose to little nobodies who live in the worn edges of town." Cashmere moved up on Johanna's body her knees digging into the pillow on either side of Johanna's head.

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut and tried to grapple with what was happening. Cashmere, on her bed, a gun near her temple and her panty-less sex hovering above her mouth. "You're bitter because I'm in love with someone else? You don't even fucking like me. You think forcing me to have sex with you is going to change that?" Her eyes narrowed and she glared hard at the woman above her, even though the barrel of the gun was still pressed against her head. "I'm never going to love you. You'll never be anything but a giant fucking mistake to me."

Johanna saw the brief hurt flash in Cashmere's green eyes but it was erased in a second. Cashmere laughed, leaning over to place the gun on the table next to them. She carefully unzipped the back of her skirt and gracefully pulled it down her hips, under her knees and discarded it gingerly on the floor next to the bed. Her unclothed sex poised directly above Johanna she threaded her fingers through the younger girl's hair. "Oh this isn't about Katniss, not really. It's not even about the sex." She moved backward for a moment and leaned her face in close to Johanna's. "This is about you forgetting who has the fucking power here. You are  _nothing_. You will always be  _nothing_. And  _nothing_ ever stands in my fucking way. You think I ever had feelings for you?"

Cashmere crawled back over Johanna's head, roughly shoving the younger girl against her wet sex. Johanna froze for a moment until Cashmere yanked her hair so hard her eyes teared. "I never loved you, Johanna," she said, letting out a tiny gasp as Johanna's tongue hesitantly ran along her folds. "But you are mine. You belong to me." The older girl reached for her weapon, holding in the same hand she braced herself on the headboard with. Her other hand remained painfully wrapped in Johanna's hair, keeping the younger girl's face against her.

Johanna wasn't sure if the tears in her eyes were from the fear, the pain of Cashmere pulling her hair, or the fact that the situation was even occurring. The layers of wrongness piled: she was cheating Katniss, her life was being threatened, and this was, without a doubt, rape. She wanted no part in Cashmere's sick power play for her affection. Never had she felt so powerless.

Having been with Cashmere more times than she cared to think about, she knew exactly how to manipulate her into climax as fast as possible. On the rare occasions she was in the Diamant home, there was the fear that Glimmer or Gloss would show up whilst she was making Cashmere scream in pleasure. That meant learning exactly what the blonde enjoyed and doing it fast enough not to get caught.

Within a few minutes of ministrations with her tongue the blonde above her growled in climax, pushing herself off Johanna and sitting back on her heels. She took a moment to recover from her intense orgasm, taking in deep, shuddering breaths as Johanna stared at her coldly from the bed. "Oh don't act like you don't enjoy that."

Johanna moved her head to wipe her mouth on her shirt without the aid of her arms. "Fuck you. Just let me go, you got what you wanted."

Cashmere laughed, cocking the gun and pointing it directly at Johanna's forehead. She felt the younger girl shudder beneath her and the smile on her face grew sadistically wider. "You think I was just here to get off?" She placed the gun on Johanna's forehead and leaned down so she was level with her ear. "I came here to ruin you."

"I'd rather you just kill me," Johanna replied in the lowest, most stable tone she could manage. And it was true; she'd rather die than have to feel Cashmere force herself on her. The thought made bile rise in her throat.

Cashmere snickered. "Oh do you? Because I could. End your worthless fucking life." She pressed the gun harder into Johanna's forehead. "I'd get some jail time; much less than I should because my family has money and I'm pretty." Johanna rolled her eyes and Cashmere shrugged. "It's a fact. But think about your poor mother. First her deadbeat husband then her useless daughter? I might as well kill her too."

Johanna quivered in anger. Her hands jerked uselessly at the handcuffs, which only served to entertain the blonde above her. "And what of Katniss? What will happen to her when I kill you? She'll be devastated, the poor thing." Johanna's body stiffened. Cashmere raised her blonde eyebrow in acknowledgement of her correctness. "So you're going to sit back and let me do whatever the fuck I want because my love," she leaned in close to whisper directly into Johanna's ear, "you don't have a fucking choice."

The butt of the gun whipped across Johanna's cheek and she winced at the dazing pain. She felt the slow trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth slide down her cheek toward her ear. Cashmere's lips found hers and punished her into a kiss she didn't want, her tongue moving around her mouth. Hard rain pounded against her roof as Cashmere placed the gun on the bed for a moment to use her hands to undo Johanna's jeans.

She wanted to beg her to stop. Maybe if she tried to reason with Cashmere's human side, she would see how wrong what she was doing was. Another loud roll of thunder moved above their heads as Cashmere shoved two fingers inside her. Instead of a plea, a soft sob came up from Johanna's throat. Cashmere had taken on another persona all together. The gun in her right hand and the left inside Johanna she was not trying to give her pleasure; she was handing down a punishment. Johanna bit her lip to suppress the sobs trying to escape the lump in her throat.

Tears slowly leaked out of the corners of her eyes. She willed her eyes shut. Soon it would be over. Whatever she had done to deserve this, she suddenly felt very sorry for it. Her mind tried to move to a place happier, a place where she wasn't in pain. It didn't work. The crack of Cashmere's hand against her mouth or her unforgiving hand pushing inside her center would break her concentration and bring her back into this nightmare.

There was nothing inside her head but the sound of rain and the loud hum of her own fury. The music ceased.


	11. Chapter 11

Katniss drew in a deep breath, holding it in her chest and narrowing her pale gray gaze. The only sound in her ears was the stretching of the bow in her hands, the string quietly whimpering in resistance. The air was finally free of humidity and a slight northwesterly breeze floated in between the trees and in between Katniss and her bow. It ruffled the edges of her t-shirt but had no effect on the trajectory of her arrow.

Calculating for the breeze she lifted her fingers and allowed the arrow to whiz through the air, piercing the breeze and nestling itself in the makeshift bullseye painted on the side of the tree. Calmly she withdrew another arrow from her quiver, setting up another shot. Archery was a two-fold exercise for Katniss: It reminded her of her father, and it somehow wiped her brain of the clutter that life seemed to toss inside her skull. After her father's death, archery had been one of the few ways she had been able to process it. Life could be deceptively simple when boiled down to a girl, a bow, and a target. She and Gale had painted the well-worn red and white bullseye on this big oak tree when they were little and often returned to it when they needed a break from their lives.

It had been five days since she had last seen Johanna on the stormy night she had gone back to her house. The following morning Johanna spoke with a terrible cough; "getting the flu" is what she claimed but something in her voice sounded off. There wasn't the hoarse scratch of someone sick, there was the empty void of someone haunted. Katniss recognized it from the voice her mother had for months after her father's death. Johanna had a warmth about her that Katniss had pinpointed not in any sort of generosity (though she was faultlessly generous to those close to her), but the raging inferno that seemed to power Johanna like a steam engine. She lived and loved fiercely, acted impulsively, and had a dormant temper Katniss had only seen on a few occasions. Those licks of the flame were what drew Katniss in like a mindless insect. But that warmth seemed to had vanished in a few short hours.

Satisfied with her archery work for the day, Katniss retrieved her lodged arrows and wiped off the tips as she made her way back toward her house. The woods behind Twelfth Street had always proved calming and cathartic for her, but today her heart was still restless. Katniss felt her heart had perhaps always been restless and only felt stillness when with Johanna. Her mother warned on several occasions not to plunge so deeply, but she knew just as well as Katniss that the pull of one's heart is stronger than any resistance one can offer. The heart will always win over the head in the end. That's why people end up with their soulmates despite terrible obstacles and the reason why people end up with their abusers despite the one thousand reasons not to. The confusing delirium love provides can lead you to strange places.

It led Katniss into the arms of a woman who seemed to love her to the depths of her soul. When Johanna looked into her eyes it was like being more than naked, it was like being stripped of everything you try to be. Every part of you that you dress yourself in during the mornings, every facet of you that you try to be and present to others, Johanna peeled it away with a penetrating glance. Katniss trusted this stripped version of herself inside Johanna.

She pushed open the storm door in the back of the house, hanging up her bow and quiver near the back door on their respective hooks. The usual clunky piano playing that filled their home was vacant since Prim had taken an interest in the brother of her best friend Rue on Eleventh Street and was outside playing with him. However, two female voices bounced down the hallway toward Katniss and she furrowed her eyebrows. Who could her mother be talking to? As she stepped nearer, footsteps silent like they were in the woods, she could hear the tail end of a conversation.

"I'm not sure of what you're implying, but I can assure you Katniss had no part in that."

"I don't know who else could have done this. It's not as if my daughter's bedroom is some revolving door. Only one person has been seeing her, and that's Katniss. But if this is the type of perversion she enjoys then they cannot see each other."

Gray eyes enlarged quadruple their size as she heard those words. Her pace quickened as she emerged into the kitchen to find Johanna's mother sitting at their dinner table with her mother, two untouched, cold mugs of coffee sitting in front of them. While their voices were soft, there was a hardness behind them that was unmistakeable. Katniss felt as if she had just walked in on a wild west duel.

"Katniss," her mother greeted, seeming genuinely surprised to see her. "I thought you were out in the woods."

"I was," she confirmed, stepping into the kitchen warily. Terror spread inside Katniss's ribcage like a disease, tingling to her fingertips and constricting her voice. "What are you talking about? Why can't Jo and I see each other?"

Polly looked down at her coffee, then over to Clara. The topic was indelicate but much like her daughter, Polly was prone to forthrightness. "Katniss, Johanna has some ...suspicious bruising around her wrists and neck." Katniss felt her body swoon backward until she hit the sink, just a step or two behind her. Her palms against the corner, her fingers gripping the boards tightly. "I have asked her how it happened but she's refusing to speak to me. I wanted to come here before I went to the police."

Katniss's brain seemed to be working ten minutes behind everyone else. Suspicious bruising. Wrists and neck. Police. "Bruising?" The one word question felt stupid leaving her lips, loud and clumsy.

Polly nodded curtly, a flash of familiar impatience in her eyes. "Yes, bruising. It looks to me like something she would have gotten being held against her will." Katniss's cheeks flared with embarrassment for a scenario that never even occurred. Her mind wandered momentarily to the short games of denying pleasure that she and Johanna played, but nothing that would bruise other than a few possessive hickeys. The best part of resisting Johanna was the giving in. She'd never hold her against her will.

Seeing Katniss's dazed look her mother rose to her feet and walked toward her daughter. She wrapped a protective arm around around her back. "And I explained to Mrs. Mason that you would take no part in some kind of twisted," her gaze went downcast with her voice; she did not possess the disregard for tact that Polly had, "sexually deviant game."

Katniss's expression went totally blank. Johanna was hurt. Someone had hurt her. Someone had hurt her Johanna. Numbness was the first thing she felt in the pit of her stomach. "I didn't. I ...I wouldn't." Her eyes went to Johanna's mother. For the first time since entering the room she saw the redness in her eyes, the darkened bags underneath her mascara-free eyelashes, the overall tiredness of her face. "I haven't seen Johanna since I left a few days ago." She looked at her mother. "She told me she had the flu."

Katniss watched the slow realization reveal itself in Polly's eyes. She must have been sure Katniss was the culprit because given that new information, she looked totally lost. The dread that had begun uncoiling itself in Katniss's stomach quickly shot out in all directions, rushing a wave of nausea over her and she quickly whipped around and threw up into the sink behind her.

Clara moved toward Polly, sitting down in the seat across from her. The pain of a mother whose child is hurt reverberated off Polly and Clara caught it full-force, placing a gentle, worn hand on top of another hard-worked palm. Katniss could not content herself with commiserating. As quickly as the sickness had over taken her, anger had followed in rapid pursuit. Whoever had done this to Johanna would pay. She left without a word, grabbing a set of keys from the hook by the door and rushing out into the open.

* * *

There was no time for a leisurely walk to Seventh. Katniss got into her mother's car and floored it in reverse, tires screeching against pavement as she took off toward the Mason household. Johanna had been keeping her at bay with convoluted lies about being sick and practicing music when really she had been suffering in silence. It had been five whole days since she had left Johanna's house.  _Why did she leave_? She could have stayed and read more of her book, enjoying the nearness of Johanna and the silence of her loft. Protected Johanna from whatever happened to her.

Regret pounded on the door of her anger but she ignored its call. She could rue her actions any other day, but today, she needed answers. Half-cocked and boiling over Katniss stormed up the Mason walkway and jiggled the door handle, finding it uncharacteristically locked. Her fingers balled into a fist and she pounded on the door.

The most startling thing about what Katniss experienced when Johanna opened the door wasn't the lack of a smile or the vacant look in her eyes. It wasn't the evident bruises around her neck or the dampness of her hair. It was the lack of music. Johanna and music were kinetically entwined. Where there was one, there was the other. But as the door swung open no raucous rock or gentle classical emerged there was silence. Deafening, horrifying silence.

The hot air that had blown Katniss to Johanna's door was sucked back up into the atmosphere as she took in her girlfriend's appearance. Her lip was slightly swollen, a clear red crack down the bottom. A bruise near her cheek by her jawline where Katniss used to lay kisses. Round red marks around her neck with two nearly purple marks right below her jugular. The hand that was poised on the door sat on a wrist that bore the same marks Polly was talking about.

"Katniss." Johanna had intended some malice in her tone but any emotion was an effort. Instead it came out like a tired resignation. She firmed her stance as she watched Katniss's eyes roam all over her injuries. Her mother's reaction had been instantaneous horror. A million questions had spewed from her mouth but Johanna offered no response. She hadn't said anything since the last time she begged Cashmere to stop. She wasn't even sure her voice worked until she used it in that moment.

Katniss wanted badly to be angry. They were partners! They were lovers! She had every right to know why her calls and texts had been ignored, why she had been lied to, who the hell had done this. However, all she could see as she looked at Johanna was someone broken. It was like coming home to your house been burglarized. She had been vicariously violated as well, the trust she had built swept away with one person's actions.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Katniss asked, finding her voice somewhere in the loud din of her mind. The pity in her tone was unintentional but had made Johanna's already brown eyes darken. She entered the room without waiting for permission, walking into their front room. Everything looked different now. Had the attacker gotten her downstairs? Forced himself on her on this couch? Katniss was suddenly overcome with the urge to set the couch on fire.

"There's nothing to tell," Johanna replied, shutting the door behind Katniss. She locked it quickly, double checking the door handle. Katniss observed the action but didn't offer anything. "I don't know what you want me to stay."

Katniss stepped forward hesitantly. "Jo, I know something happened to you. Someone did something to you. You need to tell the police. That person needs to be punished."

Johanna's wild gaze became narrowed and pointed. Katniss felt like she was staring straight into an oncoming bullet train. "Like I said, there's nothing to say. I don't want to talk about it. Something really shitty happened and I don't want to hash it out, okay?"

Katniss tried not to be frustrated but Johanna's pride was like a mountain and could not be bargained with most of the time. "There most certainly is something to say! You were attacked! It's not healthy to act like it never happened." She paused as more terrible thoughts poured into her brain. "Johanna, you could be pregnant. Or-or an STD or -"

Johanna winced as Katniss called her by her full name. Cashmere called her that. "I'm not fucking pregnant. Trust me." The outright certainty in Johanna's voice made Katniss pause. "And what the fuck would you know about it, huh? Nothing, that's what. Just leave me alone." The hardness in Johanna's voice vanished with her last sentence, her angry gaze dissipating and turning toward the stairs. She took the bannister in her hand and pulled herself up the flight of stairs, walking back into her room.

It had been her sanctuary before. The place she ran away to as a child to deal with whatever small time problem little kids have and the place she hid from the world as a teenager. But now, it was a constant reminder of that night. Her eyes staring at the ceiling, unblinking as Cashmere taunted and attacked her. The bed she had made love to Katniss on was tainted with the memory of a few nights prior.

She heard Katniss's footsteps behind her and she turned around. Katniss took in the state of the room. Johanna's bed was completely dismantled, a heap of wood on the floor next to her bedside table and the headboard was on the floor, leaning against the wall. The mattress was gone and in its stead just a small twin bed with a thin fitted sheet stretched across.

It all looked hauntingly vacant.  _This_  is where it was. The person had not only gotten into their home but was in Johanna's room, in her bed, forcing himself on her.  _Raping her_. Katniss battled the nausea that rumbled up from inside her stomach. The other girl whirled around on her heel, holding herself across her midsection. Her tight tank top hugged her as tightly as she was hugging herself.  _  
_

"Katniss, please," Johanna said finally, her voice a pathetic whisper. Even from several feet away Katniss could see her body trembling. "Don't make me do this." In those five words, Katniss felt like she was imploding like a neutron star. Had Johanna said those words to her attacker? She was brimming with the question of who. Who had done this? Who was going to be on the end of Katniss's impotent rage? But the way Johanna was carrying herself, like she was two steps from throwing herself off a cliff, made Katniss stop.

"Okay," she answered with a nod of her head. Johanna looked up with a sliver of hope, casting a glance over her shoulder. She had not expected to be able to keep Katniss from demanding answers from her. Her mother did not want to push her, but Katniss saw through her too easily. She hadn't even meant for her mother to see her bruises at all, she was coming out of her bathroom after her third consecutive shower when her mother was standing in her room, arms folded. A lifetime of being blunt had rendered Johanna an awful liar. In place of lying, she shut her mother out. Evidently her mother thought it wise to tell Katniss. Maybe it was.

The showering had become an obsession of hers and she imagined that's what had gotten her mother's attention. Her skin was rubbed red and raw and her hair wet at almost all times. The showers had been excruciatingly hot but Johanna felt only coldness. It was almost like when you have the flu and no matter how many blankets you pile on there's a chill in your spine. It spreads to your bones and you think warmth will never come to you again. Johanna had become very familiar with her goosebumps.

"Can I stay here with you?" Katniss asked in the smallest voice she could, trying to toe the fine line between pity and respect. Johanna was the strongest person she knew, but some things permeate even the sturdiest of armor. "Would that be okay?"

Johanna nodded and went to her new bed, crawling beneath the giant blanket she had dug out from their attic. The blanket that had been on her bed that night was a memory now, burned in a bonfire she set up in her backyard that had also consumed her clothes and bedsheets. She wanted no reminder of the event that was in the forefront of her brain every waking moment. And in her nightmares.

Katniss got in beside her, tentatively placing an arm over Johanna's stomach. She wanted her touch to be comforting and familiar. She didn't want to remind Johanna of her attack. The other girl tensed beneath her touch but ultimately relaxed. They laid there in silence, listening to the wind move through the trees outside. Katniss missed the melodies that followed Johanna wherever she was.

If Johanna couldn't provide the music, maybe she could. She never considered herself a particularly good singer, especially considering Johanna's voice, but she could carry a tune. She thought of the lullabies she would sing Prim after their father died to quiet her nightmares. The same ones he would sing to them before he died.

 _"Deep in the meadow, under the willow. A bed of grass, a soft green pillow. Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes. And when you awake, the sun will rise."_ Katniss looked over at Johanna and saw the wetness leaking from the corners of her eyes and her heart squeezed hard. Her eyes were closed but Katniss could feel the pain coming from her. " _Here it's safe, here it's warm. Here the daisies guard you from harm. Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true. Here is the place where I love you._ "

Katniss imagined the light plucking of her father's ukelele that he would play when he sang that song to them, the one that was always absent when she sang it to Prim. She'd hum in the meantime but it wasn't the same. In another time she would've asked Johanna to play it for her, but not today. Today was about giving her strength to Johanna. Filling Johanna with music and she had done to Katniss many, many times.

" _ _Deep in the meadow, hidden far away. A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray. Forget your woes and let your troubles lay. And when again it's morning, they'll wash away._ " _She stroked Johanna's stomach gently, listening to the gentle thumping of her girlfriend's heart. Johanna curled into her, burying her face into Katniss's shoulder and grabbing the front of her shirt into a fist and pulling them closer.

Katniss stopped her tune, placing a gentle, soft kiss on Johanna's forehead. "Don't stop singing," Johanna pleaded sleepily into her neck, sniffling and rubbing her salty eyes on the edge of Katniss's t-shirt. Her tempo slowed down as her father's would because the last stanza was usually the time when she and Prim fell asleep. If not he'd start it up again from the top, but typically they would be out cold. " _Here it's safe, here it's warm. Here the daisies guard you from every harm. Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true. Here is the place where I love you."_

* * *

_Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal._

Johanna didn't want to be treated like a victim. Her father's demise when she was younger piled sympathies she never wanted or asked for and she felt burdened with them. What do you do with people's sympathy when you don't want to internalize it? She didn't want to wear their pity for others to see. Her father would not have tolerated it. Instead she had a stiff upper lip, cruising through life without really acknowledging his death. She justified it as a part of life, as an inevitable end to a man who lived always on the edge of death. The child psychologist her mother sent her to had said she was in denial. That she never truly accepted her father's death and until she did, there'd be an emotional void.

Johanna thought he was full of shit, even as a kid. You can't grieve a man who was barely in your life; no one misses ghosts. Her mother had been more than enough parent for them both anyhow. Like that event, her own rape felt like a similar situation. If she just soldiered through it, it couldn't destroy her like Cashmere had intended.

Katniss had been wonderful, spending the last few days before they went back to school encouraging her to get back into music, taking her out to green meadows and the beach near the lake, or simply holding her and letting her cry. But never, ever did they speak about what happened. Johanna felt like giving the attack words gave it life again. Giving it anything but a hard beating with a shovel seemed to make it fresh and new. However, she knew it was only a matter of time before Katniss insisted on a name.

The name didn't matter anymore anyway. Cashmere was on the East Coast of the country at school, probably terrorizing someone poor co-ed. Johanna had changed her cell phone number in hopes of ending all contact with the blonde. She was far, far away but somehow still omnipresent. When Johanna closed her eyes she saw the flashes of Cashmere's green gaze boring into her. Voices in her head were the abusive whispers of her taunts, her threats. An itch on her skin was Cashmere's fingertips trailing her skin in deceptively gentle movements while she caught her breath.

_But can you fake it for just one more show?_

The bruising had become a light yellow discoloration by the time they went back to school. In spite of the Indian summer giving the air a heat that was unusual for September, Johanna wore her shirts with long sleeves, suffering the heat instead of suffering the stares. A new school year, their last school year, was upon them and she didn't want to start it with a bunch of questions. Johanna's school schedule was sparse. A mandatory gym class, mandatory English, an advanced music class with Haymitch, a Calculus course she regretted letting Ms. Trinket cajole her into, and a creative writing class she thought she might enjoy. The teacher was new this year, fresh-faced from graduate school, so Johanna figured it would be a breeze. New teachers were usually pushovers.

Johanna waited on her corner for Katniss and Prim, relieved to be getting back into a comfortable rhythm. Everything else about her life was still puttering but school and schedule were much the same. Prim rattled incessantly as they made their way toward the school, stopping every so often to make sure her sister and Johanna were listening.

They were, hands clasped together tightly, with Katniss's eyes on her sister. Johanna's gaze was faraway in the blue sky before them. She felt like she was at a heavy metal concert, her head pounded with noise but her hearing was muted. Her own thoughts were drowned out by the constant din of her memories. The physical pain had subsided but the emotional scars were open and bleeding.

Johanna was abruptly greeted by Finnick upon her arrival inside the building, brought into a crushing hug that made her breathing come in ragged gasps. "Jo! It's been like weeks, girl," he greeted with a warm smile, gnawing on a minty piece of gum in his mouth. Annie stood behind him, waving timidly. Her mess of red hair fell to the side as she canted her head to look in Johanna's eyes. She recognized that panic. She tugged on Finnick's shirt and he detached himself from his best friend.

_And what do you want? I want to change._

"You've been keeping my girl busy huh Everdeen?" Finnick asked jovially, nudging Katniss in the shoulder. The horrified look on her face wiped the smirk right off Finnick's visage. He looked quickly from Johanna, who had braced herself against the door, her teeth clamped on her bottom lip and back to Katniss. Annie began mumbling to herself and broke Finnick from his concentration and he went to her side.

"Are you okay?" Katniss asked, stepping toward Johanna. Her girlfriend waved her off with her hand and nodded. Her reaction had been not at all what she was hoping. No one had held her that tightly since she had been pinned down. Katniss had only recently started giving her light, quick hugs that Johanna could tolerate on occasion.

"I'm fine. I'm just gonna go use the bathroom. I'll see you at lunch." Johanna took off down the hallway, passed the inquisitive and dismayed look of her blond friend. Finnick wrapped his arm around Annie's back and guided her toward Katniss.

"What the hell happened? Was I not supposed to give her a hug?" Finnick was lost. His friendship with Johanna had weathered just about everything. Johanna's father's death, her coming out, his defending Annie to bullies nearly all their lives, his drug-addled mother, everything. They told each other everything, always. She was his only confidant even though he was always surrounded by friends. Most of the swim team were stupid jocks and the drama club were a bunch of queens. Johanna was the only one to keep them grounded and not fall into the pointless high school popularity contest.

While hitting puberty had graced them both with good looks, Johanna used hers as a weapon to keep people away, while Finnick used his to deflect attention off Annie and survive his tumultuous mother. Since she starting dating Katniss, Johanna had been around less but they still talked via text or saw each other when Johanna worked at the general store. But her reaction then had been almost revulsion.

Katniss shook her head. "No. It's ..it's a long story that I don't have the right to tell you. She'll tell you when she's ready. Just don't, um... don't touch her." Katniss walked around Finnick sadly, making the familiar trip down toward her locker.

_And what have you got when you feel the same?_

Johanna gripped the seat of the toilet, staring into the murky beige color inside the water. She reached up and pulled down the chrome handle and the mess swirled away from her as she backed away to avoid getting hit with the spray. The disoriented girl pulled herself up and slowly unlocked the stall, stumbling out toward the sinks. Sweaty palms were placed against the light pink porcelain sink and she stared into the blurry mirror. Stupid tears fought their way out of her eyes and she squeezed her eyelids to force them out quickly.

The door swung open and someone entered, causing Johanna to whip around and quickly wipe her eyes with her sleeves. She didn't recognize the woman but she knew she wasn't a student. She was dressed in a tight fitting button-down navy blue blouse with pearl buttons that was tucked neatly into a knee-length pencil skirt. She looked just as startled to see Johanna, her blue eyes wide and apologetic.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't think anyone would be in here. It's early yet," she explained in a calm voice. Johanna's eyes finally met her hair, which she couldn't help but look surprised at. Her long blonde locks are all parted to the side, with the left side of her head completely shaven. Crawling up her temple were green vines tattooed onto pale skin, curling around the shaved part of her head and disappearing behind her ear.

Johanna busied herself washing her hands, pumping an extreme amount of soap into her palm. She turned only the hot faucet on and winced as she placed her hands beneath the water. She scrubbed vigorously until she felt the stare of the other woman on her back. Feeling a bit self-conscious she finally went to the side of the room near the frosted windows and grabbed a handful of paper towels. "Did you come in here to watch me wash my hands?"

The woman's mouth moved into a smirk that made her cheeks almost concave. It relaxed into a pretty smile as Johanna tossed the paper towels into the nearby wastebasket. "Had I not been in a bathroom I'd have thought you were doing a Lady Macbeth monologue in here." Johanna's dark eyebrow moved upward and the woman crossed her arms neatly, holding her elbows. "Have you not read  _Macbeth_? 'Out damned spot?'" Johanna was sure somewhere in the last four years Macbeth had snuck into her reading material. She could vaguely remember something about being king and three witches. "Lady Macbeth feels guilty and rubs a spot on her hand for like days. Spoiler alert, she gets tired of it and chops the whole damn thing off. Guilt consumes her." _  
_

"Like the _Tell-Tale Heart_?" Johanna asked, resting her backside against the sink. This random conversation with this older, attractive woman was keeping her mind off the reason she was in there to begin with. It was nice. It was easy.

The woman's burgundy-stained lower lip protruded in an impressed expression. "Good to know at least not  _all_  literary references are lost on you. And, now that I know your hands are clean, I can introduce myself." She walked forward slowly, holding her hand out. "Cressida. I'm the new teacher in the English department."

Johanna pieced the information as she shook the woman's hand. Her new teacher for creative writing's first name had been abbreviated with a single C so this must be her. She was startlingly attractive in an unconventional way. Ears just a tad too big for her head but kept tightly against her skull, accented with about six silver and diamond-encrusted piercings that went up her earlobe and toward the outer shell of her ear. Eyes a shade of pale blue that rivaled even the sunniest of summer skies. A nose that was a bit pointy, a bit too wide, but somehow all these features combined to make her beautiful.

"Johanna Mason," she replied, as she pulled her hand away as unobtrusively as possible.

_Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage._

Bright blue eyes went clear with realization. "Mason. You've got my class in your last period, is that right?" Johanna nodded her head in silent confirmation. "Mr. Abernathy, or Haymitch," she corrected with an eye-roll, "told me a lot about you. I was actually present one of the nights you played down at Bogie's."

"You were?" Johanna prided herself on having a good eye for people. If someone as blatantly attractive had watched her play, she would remember.

Cressida nodded, a knowing and mischievous look in her eyes. "Imagine my surprise when a phenomenally talented young girl arches her back completely over my lap, encouraging me to tap out a rhythm on her stomach." Johanna looked away from her to try and file back to a night when she might have done something so showy. Her brain clicked and her eyes were brought down to Cressida's. "I had no idea you were in high school. The way you cavorted around that stage. It was impressive, mesmerizing. Like watching Nora do the Tarantella in  _A Doll's House_."

Another literary reference. Johanna smirked, feeling a bit of her old self creeping back inside her. "Well thanks. That was an interesting night."

Cressida let out a quiet chuckle. "I bet. That other young girl you fed the champagne, I would hope that she's your girlfriend? Or at the very least, she is now."

Johanna laughed, the first real laugh she had expended since before ...that night. Her eyes turned appreciative. This woman didn't know it, but she was distracting her from very violent, consuming thoughts. "Yeah, she is. Her name is Katniss. Katniss Everdeen."

"Katniss Everdeen," Cressida repeated as if to commit the name to memory. Her gaze settled on the young girl in front of her, relieved at the change in demeanor. Walking in a crying girl in the public restroom had caught her off-guard, but she was delighted to see she remembered the girl. There was torment behind her eyes that Cressida knew she was helping push away, at least for a moment. She didn't possess a lot of skills in her estimation, but she had a solid intuition. "I'll keep my eyes peeled." The warning bell rang above their heads and Cressida's eyes darted to the ceiling. "You might wanna hurry up."

Johanna shrugged. "It's my senior year. I'm not in any rush to get to homeroom."

Cressida laughed, her heels clicking against the worn tile beneath her as she crossed toward Johanna. "That better not apply to my class, Mason. I might appreciate your talent as a singer but that won't buy you any preferential treatment."

Johanna took the bait and ran her tongue along the tops of her teeth. "I have all year to get under your skin,  _Cressida_ ," Johanna mocked, moving toward the door. "And I will."

The taunting, the friendliness, the distraction. Johanna felt like a small piece of the tremendous weight on her chest slowly lift. Just a few ounces but it felt like freedom. Her every interaction since that night had felt so forced, so laden with guilt and unanswered questions. Katniss was so supportive but even her constant, unwavering steadfastness came with a price: They didn't touch. She could barely kiss her without grimacing. Her rape hung like a heavy metal chain around their relationship. Her mother, forget it. Polly was beside herself nearly every day, alternating between coddling Johanna and treating her like nothing had happened. It gave Johanna emotional whiplash that made her want to avoid her mother all together.

Finally, someone didn't know what happened but somehow... she did. She kept space, she kept talking, she seemed to understand that she had come upon a delicate situation but she didn't handle it like Johanna was a Faberge egg. She treated her like a normal person. A normal person who didn't want to be touched or asked questions or demeaned. It was her first bonafide normal interaction. It felt wonderful.

_And I still believe I cannot be saved._

* * *

Music - "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins, as well as "Down in The Meadow" from the Hunger Games.


	12. Chapter 12

_I give her all my love. That's all I do. And if you saw my love, you'd love her, too. And I love her._

Katniss wasn't sure what she was expecting. If she had been honest, the date had actually slipped her mind. Being with Johanna had made the days and weeks suddenly irrelevant, other than separating the weekend from the weekdays. Somehow, though, Johanna had remembered. Underneath her sadness and anger Johanna had remembered.

They had been together exactly a year. One year ago, to the date and possibly the hour, Johanna had leaned forward on the dusty table and kissed her. The dull shade of everyday life exploded into technicolor. Music, happiness, love. Johanna had brought all of those things into her life without guilt, without pretense, without guile. She wanted nothing in return except a little patience, to be loved. Katniss had both of those in spades.

The one thing that stuck in her mind from her mother and father's marriage was the certainty. When they would lock eyes from across the room, even if they were doing two different tasks, minds on two very different things, they'd somehow come together in that brief moment. You could never doubt their love. Katniss had envied that as a child, especially when he died and her mind was like a rogue planet, zipping through the cosmos tethered to nothing. She missed the certainty of her parents' love. She doubted ever finding that kind of absolute in her life. Nothing is forever. Nothing is in stone.

Except Johanna.

_She gives me everything and tenderly. The kiss my lover brings, she brings to me. And I love her._

A few months into their relationship Katniss had imagined their year anniversary somewhat differently. She imagined taking Johanna somewhere far away and clear, making love to her from sunset to sunrise. Something cheesy that you'd take a picture of and send to someone saying "don't you wish you were here?" A snowy mountain, a shining lake nestled in a blanket of forest, a secluded beach with an unexplored cave. Her mind raced with wildly romantic thoughts that were altogether alien but not at all unwelcome.

But fate had changed all that. They'd hit a squall in their voyage and Katniss as unsure of how to take back the wheel. The painful part wasn't even really the lack of touching (though it was agonizing), it was the twisted, pained expression Johanna wore when Katniss knew she was holding in what she wanted to give. The fear was blocking her from showing how much she cared. The frustration behind that fear even more heartbreaking.

_A love like ours could never die as long as I have you near me._

In place of some romantic gesture, Johanna had managed to get the house alone. The piano that sat in their downstairs foyer she had tuned and repaired, shining the instrument until it reflected every light in the living room. She couldn't bring herself to do something over the top like she had wanted. She struggled every day with kisses and hand-holding. Sex was absolutely out of the question. But music. That was a piece of her she could manage to part with.

Candles lit around the room were there not only for ambiance, but also to mask the smell of burnt food and pizza, the result of Johanna's laughable attempt to cook something of substance for them. A broken fire alarm (smashed on the floor), swear words and one large cheese pizza later, Katniss was laying on the couch, listening to Johanna sing. Her voice was lower than normal, a rasp that Johanna couldn't seem to shake out like she had a cold for the past few weeks.

_Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky. I know this love of mine will never die. And I love her._

Johanna slowly plunked out the last few chords of the song, letting the instrument resonate through the room. Katniss stood from the couch, crossing the few feet toward the piano and sitting on the bench next to her. Johanna turned and pulled her leg underneath her knee as Katniss swung her leg over and straddled the bench. They faced each other close, but Johanna's eyes still held distance. Katniss wanted so badly to cross that gap between the present and wherever Johanna was.

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" Katniss asked softly, placing her hand on Johanna's cheek as gently as possible. Gray eyes searched chestnut ones, trying to find a piece of her Johanna in there.

Johanna nodded her head. Cashmere had said she wanted to ruin Johanna. She was off to a good start. Setting fire to the only thing that mattered to Johanna - her relationship ith Katniss. They'd never get anywhere if Johanna kept acting like she was. Afraid to be touched but offended at being treated differently. Katniss managed to walk that tightrope for the past few weeks but Johanna knew it was only a matter of time before she fell one way or the other: away from her or too close.

Lips pressed gently against her own in an achingly sad touch. Johanna thought she could feel the restrained pulse of Katniss's desire in her lips. She wanted them both to give in to that desire. She wanted to whisk Katniss upstairs and make her body sing. How desperately she wanted to make Katniss's body shake with desire and steal the breath from her lungs.

The fear was paralyzing. Even now, as her tongue ran boldly across Katniss's lip and drew a groan from her lover, a shudder ran through her not rooted in desire. She remembered Cashmere's lips kissing her deceptively soft, whispering against her skin that no one would ever love her. Nobody takes care of broken things. That's what she was now, Cashmere had reminded her, a broken thing.

If Cashmere wanted her broken, she would have to be whole. Her fingers ran along Katniss's arms, tingling goosebumps in their wake until they were in her hair, gripping her and holding her close. Katniss expelled a startled breath against Johanna's lips as she placed open-mouth kisses along her cheek. "Do you want to stop?" Katniss asked against her ear, tucking a rogue strand of raven hair behind it.

Johanna nodded and they slowly pulled away. Katniss smiled and held Johanna's face in her hands. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Katniss scooted close to Johanna on the bench, her fingers still rubbing small circles underneath Johanna's hairline. "This has been the best year of my life. I haven't ever been happier." Johanna's eyes dropped to the space between them and Katniss lowered her gaze to catch them. She brought both their eyes back up and smiled again. "I know that this is hard for you. But that fact that you're still here is all that matters. You're here, and you're mine and no one can take you from me."

* * *

_You hate the tenderhearted torch song._

The classroom was disturbingly quiet. The grating scribble of lead on paper and the very low murmur of a small radio in the corner of the room the only noises in the air. Johanna's ears couldn't help but tune into the song coming out of the speakers of the small radio near the window. Not only was it a song she liked, but she was like one of Pavlov's dogs when music played. She was drawn to it on a physical level. It stirred her soul.

Her pencil began writing verses to the song playing that didn't exist. These creative writing exercises that Cressida had them do once a week had become something Johanna, while at first resistant, now looked forward to every Friday. By the seventh week she was close to running out of time each class to finish hers. The criteria was always open: they could write whatever they wanted in whatever style, as long as they turned it in at the end of class. Johanna looked up toward the blackboard to observe Cressida, who was busy grading one of their earlier assignments. A sleek black ballpoint pen was bitten between her teeth, her pale blonde eyebrow raised high on her head as she moved her eyes across the page.

"Cressida?" Marvel called from the back of the room, his arm high in the air. Nosy students turned their heads to see him. Marvel was not one of Johanna's favorite people. He ran in the same crowd as Cashmere and her cronies and Johanna was fairly certain he was functionally illiterate. The only reason he'd graduate with them this spring was because of his status on the football team.

Bright blue eyes looked up and she withdrew the pen from her mouth. "Yes, Marvel?"

"What's another word for 'hate'?" Cressida got up from her desk, skirting around the side to sit on the front of it. She rested her bottom on the edge of her desk, her short, flowing short splaying out in front of her. She crossed pale legs over each other.

"That depends. What kind of hate?"

Marvel looked around at his classmates for support, getting only giggles in response. He ran his fingers through his cropped brown hair and gave her a thoroughly stupid look. "Uh, I dunno. Just regular hate."

"Regular hate?" Cressida repeated, raising her eyebrow. She was not at all amused by Marvel's showboating in front of the class. She folded her hands in front of her, looking down at them before glancing back up at the boy. She held an intensity in her eyes that caused many people to shrink away. Notorious for maintaining perfect eye contact through a conversation, thereby intimidating the other person. Johanna had watched many students and teachers alike melt into a puddle because of her intense gaze. "Marvel, words don't exist so they can fall out of your mouth like an accidental baby."

"Look, Teach," Cressida grimaced at the word. Marvel sounded like a 1950s American, like Danny from  _Grease_. "I'm tryin' to write a rap verse here and hate doesn't flow. I just need another word."

"You 'need another word.' No. You need the  _exact_  word. The word hate is very powerful. It's an emotion you feel in every part of your body. Studies have shown the effects of hate on the nervous system, the immune system. Something that complex cannot be boiled down to one word to cover it all. If your girlfriend cheated on you with your best friend, would you hate them?"

"Uh, well, yeah, duh." Johanna felt like his words were just the primal grunts of a monkey, beckoning a tree for a banana. Moot and stupid.

Cressida ran her tongue along the bottom row of her teeth inside her mouth to hide the disdainful smirk she knew was coming. She nodded instead. "Right. But you wouldn't just hate her, or him, would you? This is the highest betrayal. You gave your heart to her and she smashed it like it was a cake at a toddler's party." She lifted herself from the desk and began walking down the row of seats toward Marvel very slowly. Despite the clack of her heels against the tile, Johanna thought she moved like bobcat. She wrote that as such in her notebook.

_You catch a flame to my sentiment, my sentimental tune._

"Well yeah I'd be pissed. I'd break up with her and screw one of her friends." The boy next to him gave him a high five. Johanna felt revulsion in her veins.

Cressida's eyes rolled as she continued to make her way toward the back of the room. "In your poem, Marvel, what do you hate?"

"It's a  _rap verse_ ," Marvel clarified. "The police."

"The police? Why the police?"

Marvel shrugged his shoulders, his large letterman's jacket bobbing up and down. "Because they suck. I've always hated them, even as a little kid. They take my stuff. Last year they tried to take my license because I was speeding."

"Good," Cressida cooed, finally reaching Marvel's desk. She stood behind him, looming over his shoulder. "So you think they're thieves."

"Yeah, I do. Paying taxes so they can rob us on tickets and fines and shit."

"Fair enough. What else have they taken from you?" Marvel's smug grin began to disappear. He turned his torso in his chair to face Cressida, whose head was tilted awaiting an answer. "I imagine this hatred you want to name is not just because of a few parking tickets. That kind of hate passes fleetingly. That's displeasure, irritation, annoyance. Quick, dirty, hot, meaningless. Like sex with someone you don't love." The class giggled and murmured their agreement.

"What are you talking about?"

"Think, Marvel. Your hatred of the police. This has boiled inside you since you were a boy. A slow brew of anger rising up inside you like a dormant volcano. Small eruptions when you get pulled over or find a small piece of paper underneath your windshield wiper. And it settles, you go back to normal, but that hate is always there, right?"

Johanna watched Marvel's mood rapidly deteriorate. The classroom's giggling and muttering got deathly quiet as they awaited the boy's answer. "I don't know."

"Yes you do," was Cressida's quick reply. Everything about her reminded Johanna of a fresh fall apple. Crisp, bitter, sweet, confident. An apple was always an apple, no matter what you put it in or covered it with. Insistent. Constant.

"No, I don't!" he snapped, gripping his palms on his desk.

"Yes, you do," she replied calmly, clearly unruffled by the boy's rising temper. "Think, Marvel. A man in uniform is approaching you, staring at you through mirrored sunglasses. You can't help but notice the gun in his holster, the nightstick on the other side of his belt. He walks with calm authority toward you. He wrinkles his nose as he gets toward you, as if your mere presence offends his sense of smell. Black whiskers moving around underneath his nose. He's got a wad of gum in his mouth. You can almost see it when he chews, open-mouthed and loudly like a cow with cud. He's there to take from you. They always take from you." She leaned down next to him, her hand on the back of his chair. "How do you feel?"

Marvel seemed to simmer for a few moments, his green eyes narrowed in deep thought. Johanna suddenly recalled being a kid and her mother telling her how some kid's dad got arrested, only a few months after her own father died. Sort of a ' _See, everyone's families are messed up'_  kind of way. Could that have been Marvel's dad?

"I'm...I'm... I'm fucking furious."

"There you go!" Cressida exclaimed, startling Marvel from his rage. She slapped him on the back and gave him a warm smile. "Great job!  _Fury_. Use that. Fury, like a whirling tornado destroying everything in its path without discrimination. Obliterating people's lives, homes, streets, yards. You're not angry, Marvel. You're  _furious_. You're infuriated."

Cressida walked back toward the front of the room and around to the back of her desk, slipping into the leather chair. "Let that be a lesson for all of you. Don't just use a word because it's there and it's easy. Use the word you mean. Think about why you need that word, then tailor it correctly. Sure red thread can sow a button on a green jacket, but you need red thread to make it look right. And what if the jacket is crimson? Will you use a fire engine red? No, it simply won't do. You dig and dig until you find the perfect shade." She smiled at the class. "Find the perfect shade of phrase you're looking for. Don't settle."

_Hard-hearted don't worry, I'm ready for a fight._

A few of her classmates had finished, handing in their black-and-white marble composition notebooks to Cressida and shuffling out the door. Johanna continued to write on, barely conscious of the words that were emerging onto the blue-lined paper. It was when she let her stream-of-consciousness run free that she felt even a little separated from the shackles of her memory.

Johanna slapped her notebook closed and began rummaging things around in her messenger bag, buckling the sides in and hoisting it over her shoulder. As she passed by her teacher's desk she stopped, tilting her head to the side. "Do you want some help?" Cressida was attempting to carry not only her briefcase with her laptop and papers, but sixteen composition notebooks. Johanna saw the blonde about to protest and she took half the stack of notebooks, adding hers to the top. "Don't be so proud."

"Are you the pot or the kettle, Mason?" Cressida asked with a grin, following the younger woman out of the classroom and flicking off the lights behind them. Johanna rolled her eyes at the jab and walked side-by-side with her teacher down the hallway that was still cluttered with students leisurely getting their things from their lockers.

"That was some show with Marvel the Meat-Head."

Cressida laughed heartily as the pair made their way into the faculty parking lot. Johanna was relieved to see the sky was a pale wash of blue and white. Thunderstorms and even the light pitter-patter of rain made her nauseated. The blonde woman fumbled in her briefcase for her keys, emerging with a set of color-coded keys on a small keyring.

"Don't you have a clicky thingy?" Johanna asked, looking out toward the parking lot. "You know, to boop the car and tell us we're getting close?"

"A  _clicky thingy_  to  _boop_  the car?" Cressida repeated with a raised eyebrow. Johanna glared at her. "No, I do not have a key fob - the phrase you lost somewhere in that brain of yours - because my car was made in the 1960s." They approached a candy red convertible with the white hardtop up, racing tires gripping the gravel of the parking lot. Cressida went around the back and stuck the key in, popping the spacious trunk.

Johanna followed her with a skeptical gaze. " _This_ is your car?" She placed the notebooks in the trunk which was upholstered with a black leather fabric, a spare tire to the right. It was clean and organized, like how Johanna kept hers.

Cressida closed the trunk and crossed her arms over her chest. "Mason, would I have the key to a car that was not mine?" She grinned. "And to think you called  _Marvel_  the meathead."

_Unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous. Nervous that I'm right._

Johanna ignored the comment and walked slowly around the old muscle car, eyeing it approvingly. "This is a 1969 Plymouth GTX. Original paint," Johanna slid her finger along the side of the car as she made her way to the hood, "and an air grabber." She peered at Cressida over the car's roof. "That was not standard. May I?" Johanna motioned toward the hood and Cressida nodded, coming around the side of the car to join her. Johanna ran her fingers under the roof and found the lock, popping the hood open and pushing it upward. "Wow. This is gorgeous."

She glided her hand along the smooth surface of the engine, which was painted candy apple red to match the exterior. "Typical of a girl who likes old jazz to appreciate the finery of a well-cared for muscle car."

Johanna grinned wickedly at Cressida. "Oh you have no idea. I don't just appreciate. I ogle. I'd sell my soul to you for this car." Cressida chuckled as the younger girl closed the hood and touched the top of the car affectionately. "Not that I don't love my car. A 1966 Pontiac GTO. All original parts, inside and out," she stated proudly.

Cressida whistled her appreciation. "That's a beautiful car. How did you come upon something like that?"

Johanna shrugged, moving around Cressida's car to appreciate more of its streamlined beauty. "Something I inherited from my dad." Johanna placed her palms above the driver's side door, staring into the interior. "He kept it in shit condition - like he did everything else in his life - so my mom and I spent a summer fixing it up. Took me forever to find the original parts. But after like eight months we got her purring." Johanna's eyes narrowed into the vehicle. "Stick?"

Cressida shook her head. "Automatic."

Johanna smirked. "Pussy."

"Excuse me?" Cressida placed her hands on her hips. "First of all, need I remind you of how misogynistic it is to refer to your own anatomy in a derogatory way? Second of all, they only made four manual transmission GTX's in 1969. It was the last year for the convertible. Only eleven are like Arwen with the Hemi, even fewer with the air grabber. I will not let you try and degrade my choice in transmission simply because you chose the most difficult way to drive."

"Arwen?" Johanna caught, licking her lips and raising her eyebrow.

Finally, Cressida blushed. Johanna smirked triumphantly at finally having chipped away at the thick layers of the older woman. "Yes," Cressida replied crisply. "From Lord of the Rings."

"Oh I know where it's from,  _nerd_." Cressida's perfectly painted pink lips formed an offended 'o' shape. Johanna shifted her messenger bag on her shoulder and rejoined Cressida toward the front of the car. She got within just a few inches of the other woman, smelling the intense rose-scented perfume she wore. She leaned into her space slightly. "It's okay  _Teach_. My car's name is Joplin."

Cressida's formerly flustered face moved back into its perfectly put together confidence, bordering on indifference. Johanna was reminded of Katniss by Cressida's talent for hiding her emotions. Katniss could switch of her reactions in the blink of an eye. Johanna envied that ability. "Scott or Janis?"

Johanna shrugged, brushing passed the older woman as she walked away. "Either. See you on Monday."

_With a bit of friction, I'll be under your clothes. With a bit of focus, I'll be under your skin._

* * *

Katniss leaned on the rounded table, her eyes darting from her textbook to her notebook with rapidity. The faint clamor of piano keys and the clattering of silverware against china filling her ears as she attempted her Trigonometry homework. It was only November and she was regretting having taken the extra year of mathematics. Her mother had thought it would help her chances of getting into college. She hadn't told Johanna yet, but she had already applied to Stanford in California under their Restrictive Early Action. She would hear by December 15th whether or not she'd been accepted. Johanna hadn't explicitly stated where she was going to apply to college, but Katniss knew that someone of Johanna's talents would have no problem getting into any prestigious music schools, many of which would be on the opposite side of the country.

The lights inside Bogie's club were dim with the exception of a lamp for Katniss that the owner himself had set up, and two lone spotlights shining on Johanna at the piano. Katniss was elated that music had finally started creeping back into Johanna. Haymitch had finally convinced the girl to come back to the band after missing two months of performances. Katniss knew he was worried for Johanna; he seemed to be the closest thing Johanna had to a father figure in her life. He hadn't gone so far as to ask what was wrong, but he could tell - like any good parent - that she was hurting.

Johanna was finally turning that anger and sadness back into music in a more constructive way. Her moods were still a little uncontrollable. Sometimes Katniss would call her and it would be like old times, gentle teasing and loving words. Other time she'd call and it was like talking to a ghost, Johanna was distant and emotionally void.

Johanna's fingers pounded at the keyboard as Haymitch sat nearby, accompanying her on the violin. The tune was "The Promise" by Michael Nyman, a somber and reflective piece she had always thought carried the same atmosphere as a post-apocalyptic wasteland. As she played the piece she imagined a man emerging from a pile of rubble triumphantly, only to find the world he knew destroyed. He'd walk through the abandoned streets, regretfully eyeing the storefronts that were once alive with electricity and light, now deadened and broken.

The piece ended unresolved and Johanna adored it. It was almost like a sentence being cut off. She knew they'd never play it live; nobody wanted to be depressed when they'd spent $60 on a dinner and a show. It moved her to play the piece though. It felt like all the emotions and words tumbling inside her finally had a cadence. If she could play them and make them dissipate into the air like the music itself then maybe it would leave her.

"All right," Haymitch said, placing his violin on the ground. He motioned for one of the men working to turn on the house lights, causing both Johanna and Katniss to flinch in their yellow brightness. "Time to do something less depressing."

"What, like a love song?" Johanna asked scathingly, glaring at the older man.

Haymitch nodded. "Yeah, like a love song," he shot back with a smug grin.

Johanna was not to be tempted. Katniss's ears immediately recognized the pounding piano intro as Johanna played it and she tried to hide her grin in her textbook. Johanna was punishing the ivories with her fingers, staring at Haymitch's light blue eyes.

_Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy to a while._

Haymitch laughed as Johanna sang, raising his hands on defeat. He walked off the stage as Johanna continued to play, joining Katniss at her homework table. He peered at her page and his face immediately twisted into confusion. "Well that looks like absolute nonsense."

Katniss looked up at the worn blond man and smiled. "That is scarily accurate." The Trigonometry was over her head, and this homework was not going to get done tonight. It was a Friday anyway, Katniss reasoned with herself. She had wanted to get her work done before the weekend so she could have more time with Johanna, but it looked like this was going to be another Sunday late-night assignment.

_I'm unusually hard to hold on to._

Katniss was elated to see the familiar pomposity and challenge in Johanna's eyes as she sang. There was a clarity in her voice that had been missing for the past few months. What Cashmere stole - Katniss and Finnick had narrowed down the list of possible people and had decided most definitely on the vindictive blonde - from Johanna was something intangible. The very essence of what made Johanna tick. Katniss couldn't help but feel responsible and secretly bore that burden. Maybe if she hadn't left that night, maybe if she had just not been so confrontational when Cashmere came to her house, maybe if she had just told Johanna when Cashmere had seen her.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. What if. The hypotheticals buried Katniss when she allowed them, but for Johanna's sake, she attempted to climb out from beneath it and be a pillar for her girlfriend. Talking about what happened was completely off the table but Katniss could at least be a shoulder to cry on and a smile to lift her spirits.

_You mean well, but you make this hard on me._

In what was a vividly selfish thought she wondered when Johanna would let her touch her again. Not necessarily because she was some sex-crazed fiend, but because she wanted to soothe the physical memories Johanna had. She wanted to show her touch was full of love and consent and care. She wanted to lift every mark and bruise Cashmere left with her own kisses. Johanna had only just started allowing their kisses to progress back to the consuming, fiery, bruising embraces of early in their relationship. Passion slowly hissed into their relationship like a slow gas leak.

Katniss tried not to let her anger consume her when she thought about who had done this. Everything she had read late nights on her computer had said that threatening the abuser never helped the victim. She had to physically restrain Finnick from attacking Glimmer. But she herself was wondering when the next opportunity to see Cashmere was. Would she come home for Christmas break? Would she dare try and contact Johanna?

_If all you have is leaving I will need a better reason to write you a love song today._

Katniss closed her textbook and filed it away in her backpack, content to sit and watch Johanna play. Gale approached behind her, waving to Johanna before sitting down next to Katniss. She smiled at her cousin, who lifted his chair to bring it closer to her. He watched Johanna play for a few moments before leaning in as surreptitiously to Katniss as possible.

"I know where she is."

Katniss didn't look over to Gale but she narrowed her eyes. "Who?"

"Cashmere," Gale whispered, smiling at Johanna when she looked toward them.

_I learned the hard way that they all say things you wanna hear._

Her fingers tensed around her soda glass, rubbing the condensation with the tips of her fingers. "Where is she?"

Gale leaned back in his chair, inhaling a deep, slow breath. "Boston. Boston University." Katniss felt relieved. Boston was a long ride from home. There would be no way she would come home for another but major holidays. Gale rubbed his fingers together. "I've never wanted to punch a girl in the face before." Gale had been the only person Katniss felt comfortable speaking to about Johanna. He had reacted similarly to herself - angry, sad, misdirected rage shooting out in all directions. He felt protective of Johanna the same way he was protective of Katniss and his own little sister.

Katniss let out air through her nostrils in a laugh, looking away from Johanna for the first time since Gale had sat down. "I want to kill her."

_My heavy heart sinks deep down under you. Your twisted words, your help just hurts, you're not who I thought you were._

Gale nodded. "I know you do, but that's not going to help Jo."

"I don't need it to help her. I need it to help me." She turned her full attention to her cousin, wild gray eyes desperate. "I want her to suffer for this. I want to see her choke on her last breath. And I don't even know what to do with that feeling. But I can't stop feeling so angry and hurt about it."

"Have you tried talking to Jo?"

Katniss scoffed. "Yeah, that'd be great. While she's dealing with her own emotions about her rape I'm going to tell her that my feelings are hurt?" Gale pursed his lips in understanding, rubbing the small amount of stubble on his chin.

"She loves you. If you are hurting she deserves to know. It's not going to help for you to bottle this in and explode on Cashmere if she comes home for Christmas."

"I'll explode something all over her fucking face." Gale grimaced at her words and Katniss rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. I don't want to be a burden on Jo."

Gale placed his hand on her shoulder, giving her a small smile. "I'm positive she doesn't think you're a burden." He stood up, giving Johanna another wave. "I'll see you later, Catnip. Don't kill anyone while I'm gone."

"I'll try." Katniss flashed him a grin before he parted, exiting the club behind her. Maybe Katniss did need someone to talk to, but she was sure Johanna was not the solution. Even bringing up Cashmere's name would make them both too angry to continue. She resigned herself to visiting Effie Trinket when she had the chance. Maybe the school's designated counselor would be able to help.

If not, the only other solution would be a several hour drive to Boston to murder Cashmere. And Katniss didn't look good in orange.

_Promise me, you'll leave the light on._

* * *

Music: "And I Love Her" by the Beatles, "Sentimental Tune" by Tegan and Sara, and "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles.


	13. Chapter 13

" _And so I sit and scan the book of grey, feeling the shadows like a blind man reading. All fearful lest I find the last words bleeding. With wounds of sunset and the dying day_." Cressida looked at her class, smiling at them from her seat on top of her desk. Their newest unit was on poetry, one of her personal favorites. "Your homework tonight is to come up with a short poem, about eight lines. A-b-b-a format, please. Your only parameter is it must include the word gray. In any way you want to, but it must be present." Cressida grabbed the pile of composition notebooks and stood near the door. The bell sounded and her students began rustling their notebooks and walking out, being handed their notebook as they exited the room.

Johanna usually filed out last, enjoying her end-of-day talks with her teacher. It was one of the few moments of her day when she felt normal again. It was decompressing to her nerves and sometimes they'd chat for almost an hour before texts from Katniss would break their conversation. Today was no different and as she went toward the door and moved to take her notebook, Cressida held firm to the other end.

"A blue-eyed bobcat, hm?" she questioned playfully, tilting her head to the side to appraise Johanna. Her interest in her student had admittedly been more than she had anticipated. After their encounter in the bathroom Cressida had asked Haymitch a little bit about her. He gave her some information such as her single mother, her passion for music, her girl-chasing reputation, but overall he had sung her praises. His face, usually somewhere between a firm line and a scowl, actually managed a smile when he spoke about her like a proud father.

Cressida knew a thing or two about being an outcast, having been one herself when she went through school. High school could be torturous and when she had applied to teach at one, she hoped she could make a difference to one of the students. She felt she was doing that with Johanna. On the other side of that coin, they had a lot in common so talking with her came more naturally than one would think between women of disparate ages.

Johanna snatched the notebook from her hand and it disappeared into her bag. Cressida's unrelenting eye contact made Johanna blush. "That's what you looked like."

"Oh you don't need to defend yourself, I quite like that description." Johanna saw the flash of brilliantly white teeth before Cressida spoke again. "And I enjoyed your song. Will you be performing that on Saturday?" she teased.

Johanna scrunched her face and shook her head the negative. This weekend was her birthday. A personal holiday she never celebrated and hoped this weekend would not be different. Katniss had promised. Haymtich had promised. She would hang out with Katniss on Friday, her actual birthday, then work at her mother's on Saturday and have a night out to a calm dinner with her mother. Their birthday dinner was a tradition that her mother started the year after her father died to help keep Johanna's mind off the tragic event. It was a nice way for them to kind of slow down and catch up with each other, especially during the tumultuous years of Johanna's teens. And this year she was 18. Legal. An adult. Johanna was looking forward to the independence she thought would magically appear before her like a fairy godmother, sweeping her into a ball of sparkles and glitter and maturity.

"Unfortunately not. I hate to disappoint but Friday is my birthday so Saturday I'll be going out with my mother."

Sky blue eyes widened to comical levels and she clapped her hands together happily. "You must be so excited! Eighteen! Grab tight to this year because it all flies by so fast after this." She moved her lips to the side until her face spread out into a grin. "Although be careful, Mason. Now you're officially an adult. So your crimes will be treated as such. There's a lot to be arrested for now."

Johanna rolled her chestnut eyes at her teacher, their gazes even. She mirrored Cressida's smirk with one of her own. "At least there's one thing that wouldn't be a crime anymore." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at her teacher, biting at her lower lip when she saw he very faint blush peek above Cressida's low cut sweater.

"Don't you try and get me in trouble." She smiled at Johanna and went back inside her classroom, sitting down at her desk. She was not uncomfortable nor was she unused to Johanna's various thinly veiled come-ons. Haymitch's heads up on Johanna's supposed reputation had her braced for the interactions. The boys in her class were equally as relentless, but none possessed the calm confidence with which Johanna carried her sexuality.

"Come Friday nobody will get in trouble," Johanna remarked from the doorway, tossing her teacher a playful wink before disappearing from the doorway. Cressida chuckled to herself a few times at her desk, shaking her head and absorbing herself into her work.

* * *

_It's been so long since I've touched. So long since I've wanted._

Katniss did not like to lie. She spent a lot of time unknotting the various yarns people spun for Primrose, not wanting her sister to be brought up with delusions. Santa Claus was not real. Their father was not coming back, nor was he in a "better place." Saying "bloody Mary" three times in a mirror did not conjure a ghost. It is, in fact, butter.

She culled no satisfaction from lying. However it was November 11th which was a special date: Johanna's birthday. The first time around Johanna hadn't even so much as whispered that her birthday was near. It came and went and only a three-day-old piece of red velvet cake in Johanna's fridge that Katniss had accidentally come across had revealed her furtiveness. Katniss vowed not to allow that transgression to happen again. Aside from that, they desperately needed a happy occasion to help boost Johanna's morale.

For three weeks she and Finnick had pored over every detail of Johanna's surprise party. The guest list, decorations, food, music (for which Katniss was going to use Johanna's Spotify account and play her own), everything was planned to the very last detail. No streamer overlooked, no sprinkle out of place, no moody song left unchecked on Johanna's playlists. Katniss had even roped Polly into helping her. Everything was set. The only issue now was ...how to get Johanna out of her house.

Katniss knew trying to persuade Johanna into going to her house would send an immediate red flag to the girl. Getting her to go to the club would be another obvious ploy. Instead she chose Finnick's place, which was especially convenient because Finnick's mother was in Las Vegas for the weekend blowing her state checks on nickel slots.

Most of the guests had arrived by around seven o'clock, Finnick taking his natural role as leader of the group. He played music, began handing out food and drinks and moving around the room like a metal sphere inside a pinball machine. Katniss moved out on to his steps, shivering in the brisk November cold. The starlight seemed much cleared in the colder air. On her own birthday Katniss and her father would venture out away from the city they lived in toward the woods. They would lay on their backs and find Sagittarius in the sky while her father would recount the story of the famed archer. Tonight those stars weren't visible, but it seemed like every other star in the sky was.

_But you made me laugh and my heart opened,_

She pulled out her cell phone and pulled up Johanna's number. It rang only twice before Johanna answered. "Hey gorgeous." Even though she was across town, the name still made a small blush heat up Katniss's cheeks. Johanna had that effect on her always.

"Hey Jo. Are you busy?" Katniss began pacing on the porch, eager to avoid any noise from inside being picked up on her phone's receiver.

"Define 'busy.' If by busy you mean, are you sitting on your bed watching Orphan Black and eating a burrito? Then yeah, I'm super busy." Katniss smiled into the phone and chuckled. "Why, what's up?"

"I'm at Finnick's. I was trying to help him with a Trig problem and I'm not feeling well. Would you mind coming and picking me up?" Katniss hoped her voice sounded normal. Even better, that she sounded slightly sick.

Johanna paused her television and set the remote down. "Is this a ploy?" She was overflowing with skepticism. Katniss had gone the entire day without doing something overt for her birthday. When they met in the morning for school she had gotten her a small card and gave her a kiss. Upon arriving home Katniss had given her a birthday present - a rare South American pressing of an Ella Fitzgerald album Johanna hadn't ever been able to find. They sat quietly together on her bed to listen to it, then Katniss had gone home for dinner.

Simple but it made Johanna happy. "Nope." Johanna firmed her lips together and blew air out of her nose slowly.

"Okay. I'll be there in a sec." Johanna hung up without saying goodbye. She tossed her worn leather jacket over her arms. She tucked in the blue and red scarf Mags had woven for her into the lapels. Grabbing her beanie from next to her television she shoved it on her head and skipped down the stairs to the outside. She hoped, bone deep, that this was not a set-up. She hated birthdays. More specifically, she hated her birthday. Hers was a haplessly tragic story she always regretted telling; her father had died the week before her birthday after promising to be home for not only Thanksgiving, but Christmas. Johanna had so looked forward to seeing him again, young and unaware of the depth of his ineptitude as a parent and as a human being.

_I want you to find me charming and wise. I just want you to find me somewhere here inside._

Only a day or so later he and three other soldiers were killed by an IED on their way from one camp to another. Johanna had remained glued to the news for days after that - surely they would report on soldiers killed overseas. But there was no mention of her father, no emotional homecoming of his remains. She'd found out later there were no remains. They received a flag and some pins and Johanna's birthday was a funeral.

While his death freed both she and her mother from a terrible marriage and a potentially harmful upbringing, Johanna never could shake the feeling of having missed out on having a father. On her birthday, the feeling nagged even more because somewhere, hidden deep in the woods of her memory, she felt her younger self still waiting for her daddy to come home.

She killed the engine outside Finnick's house, wound up in her thoughts about her father as she walked down his cement walkway in between the grass. Quickly she made for the door, wanting to escape the pre-winter chill that had fallen on Panem. Her birthday was always cold. She wished to have a summer birthday rife with pool parties and outdoor activities, not an indoor birthday with a crackling fire and jackets.

She swung open the door to the Odair's home and lights were flicked on. Music started. People jumped out from behind furniture and doorways. Johanna heard "SURPRISE!" screaming in her ears and she was, in fact, surprised. A chorus of happy birthday began as Katniss appeared beside Johanna and ushered her inside.

Johanna unfurled the scarf from around her neck and balled it in her fist. Quick brown eyes darted over to her girlfriend. "You said it wasn't a ploy."

Katniss pouted and took Johanna's scarf and began unzipping her jacket. "I know baby and I'm sorry. I don't like to lie but I wanted you to be surprised." The blank look on Johanna's face did not bode well. Katniss took the oversized leather jacket - a hand-me-down from Johanna's father - and placed it in the coat closet with her scarf. She returned to her girlfriend and stood in front of her, hands on sweater-clad hips. "Hey, look at me." Johanna moved her eyes down from the small crowd of people to Katniss. "If this is not okay I will tell everyone to go home."

Johanna gave her a pained smile and shook her head. "That's not necessary. I'm a big girl."

"I just thought maybe we'd have some happy times, you know? Everyone is here for you. There's cake and music and drinks." She leaned down and kissed Johanna softly. "Let's get drunk and forget all about your birthday, okay?" She let the other words hang between them unsaid:  _let's forget about what happened._

Johanna grinned and nodded. Drinking would certainly help. It had helped her cope with the last few weeks so she was sure it would work tonight. Her melancholy over her father didn't last too long anyway. Soon she'd remind herself of the painful marriage her mother endured and any nostalgic, rose-tinted thoughts about her father perished. Tonight those memories would be obliterated with Fireball whiskey and some good rum.

_Please forgive me if I don't know what to do._

Katniss's plan worked better than she thought it would. Two hours later Johanna was within a circle of people playing Cards Against Humanity, laughing raucously and throwing back shots like Prohibition was set to start at midnight. From a seat just a few people away Katniss watched her girlfriend. The old spark of life seemed to be igniting back inside her. When their eyes met Katniss could see the cavalier and wanton look Johanna always held for her.

Johanna was in surprisingly good spirits. Due in no small part to the spirits she had been imbibing all night. Alcohol was going down her throat like water now, without the usual grimaced harshness. The people Katniss had invited - some of Finnick's drama friends, a few casual acquaintances of her own, the usual suspects from around Panem - were amazing. Nobody present had even the slightest connection to Cashmere. Being free of that blonde hellion was doing wonders for Johanna. As the night progressed she began to wish more and more heartily that everyone in the room but Katniss didn't exist.

_It's an old fire, this familiar desire. But my skin is painfully new._

As the night dragged on people began filtering out of the house. Most of the bottles had been emptied and were strewn about; a small pyramid of 40 oz beer cans sat atop Finnick's dining room table. A retired game of beer pong forgotten on a long, darkly spotted folding table, music buzzing softly from the speakers. The dancing and games were over, left was just the sleepy after-party heavy-headedness of the people who were almost too drunk to move.

Annie was asleep upstairs in Finnick's room, he was downstairs attempting to clean up some of the paper plates and napkins that littered his living room and hallway. Gale and Thresh were holed away in a corner, no doubt talking about their upcoming football game on Sunday night. Katniss and Johanna were upstairs in Finnick's guest room.

_Lost in this hole that has ripped through my soul._

Johanna pressed Katniss against the door tightly, her hands clumsily fumbling for the hem of Katniss's sweater. She was riding the wave of good feelings the party, and the alcohol, had provided her. This respite from the constant darkness of her mind was heightening the already pleasurable sensations of Katniss's lips on her face and neck.

The fear when they were alone was that somehow memories of Cashmere would seep in underneath the locked door of her mind. Miraculously, the blonde was far from Johanna's thoughts. The room smelled like fabric softener and Katniss tasted like mango rum. It was a world away from the familiar scent of her own room and Cashmere's perfume.

_What should I think? I've had too much to drink. As my mind and my body collide._

"Fuck I've missed this," Johanna murmured against Katniss's shoulder, licking the faint sheen of sweat on the newly exposed skin. If she was being honest with herself, the desire to consume Katniss had been building in her for a while. Between her flirting with Cressida and her steamy make-out sessions with Katniss she was about ready to burst from sexual frustration. She had kept psyching herself out of it, but not tonight.

Tonight she was going to begin the process of wiping Cashmere off of her, starting with Katniss's tongue and mouth and hands. "I missed you too," Katniss confessed against her mouth as they continued to hastily undress each other. How long Katniss had ached to feel Johanna's skin beneath her hands? Like a repenting sinner Katniss dropped to her knees, holding her cheek against Johanna's bare stomach. Her hands traveled around the small of her back and the roundness of her backside, massaging the pliable flesh there. She danced her fingertips along Johanna's thighs, losing herself in the softness and the muscle she found there.

She ducked her head to brush against Johanna's folds, just the tip of her tongue gliding down Johanna's slit to taste the accumulation of arousal there. Her hands held firm to Johanna's thighs, which quivered beneath her touch. "Standing?"

Katniss grinned up at her lover, moving her fingers (regrettably) away from Johanna's thighs to hold her hands. "However you want me." Tonight was not just about them getting over Johanna's attack, it was about giving Johanna back some of her power. If she could maybe control what happened, she would be able to realize that she was still powerful and her own person. She was not broken or ruined.

Johanna's eyes glistened with a tenderness Katniss was longing to see again. She pulled her up on to her feet and wrapped her arounds around Katniss's shoulders. For a long moment they simply stared into each other's eyes, content with the silence. "I love you, Katniss." Saying those words again filled Johanna with a feeling she could barely describe. It felt like taking off a wet jacket after shoveling for hours. Relief. She wasn't ruined. She wasn't incapable of love. She was still herself, albeit possibly slightly changed.

Katniss moved her hands around Johanna's waist, lacing them together at the small of her back. Her head dipped down slightly to take Johanna's lips in a soft but persistent kiss. "I love you too, Jo."

* * *

_I don't mind the weather. I've got scarves and caps and sweaters._

The letter came in a large white envelope, the red seal affixed to the top proudly. Katniss had been waiting a while to receive this letter. Within it held the answer to the next four years of her life. So much of her future was being pressed between her fingers. So much of her future just a pile of fabric and ink. Katniss sat down at her kitchen table, fingering the letter in her hands. She wanted to open it. She wanted to know her future. Who didn't?

_I've got long johns under slacks for blustery days._

The snow howled outside the kitchen window, splattering the glass with small puffs of white that had begun to coagulate in the rapidly dropping temperatures. Her mother and Prim would be back from grocery shopping soon. They'd want to know what was inside the letter. But Katniss couldn't do it. It wasn't just her future hidden in the pages, it was Johanna's. If she had gotten into Stanford on early action, then what did that mean for them? What happened to Johanna's dreams? What happened to  _them_? Their relationship was so new and so newly repaired that it made the letter bittersweet.

She grasped it firmly and tore open the top flap. She withdrew the heavy paper and set it in front of her. Gray eyes diligently ran across the page. " _We are pleased to inform you..."_ She was in. Her first choice. The next four years of her life would be nestled in the hills between San Francisco and San Jose, basking in the California sun. Miles away from the cold blow of Panem's harsh winters. Miles away from the warmth of Johanna.

_I think that it's brainless to assume making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective._

What was she going to tell her? They had avoided the topic of their future since the day they got together. She knew, she saw it in Johanna's eyes, that their relationship was going to be altered by the distance between them. So much of their passion and joy derived from their physical nearness. Thinking upon being away from Johanna was like going to summer camp and missing your bed. She was comfort, she was home.

But the steel truth was that going to college was her father's dream for her. He hadn't ever gotten the chance to go and desperately wished for Katniss to attend a prestigious university. He had waxed poetic with her about dropping her off on her first day, the car filled with her things from home, eager to see her off on her first step into adulthood. Moisture collected in her eyes as she recalled the light in her father's eyes when she told him she wanted to go to Stanford. He had assured her that if she continued to get good grades, she could get in with no problem. They had looked up the campus, taking virtual tours and imagining how wonderfully warm the semesters would be. How different it would be to go trick-or-treating in the warm summer sun.

It was her dream and his dream. It was one of the last living, tangible parts of her father she had.

_And the hardest part is yet to come._

The look on her mother's face when she told her the news warmed Katniss to her core. Her mother remembered how fervently her father had insisted both she and Prim attend college. She hugged her daughter close to her body, tears bouncing off the top of Katniss's head. "Your father would be so proud of you today."

He would, Katniss thought. He'd take her in his arms and swing her around the room. He would probably grab his fiddle and play a tune for Katniss and Primrose to dance. He'd take her mother in his arms and hold her tightly. They'd celebrate. But instead it was just she and Prim giving each other sad smiles as their mother cried in pride and loss.

_I don't mind restrictions if you're just blacking out the friction. It's just an escape._

The next hurdle was to tell Johanna. The freak snowstorm gave her a reason to stay home, and she reasoned that telling her over the phone would not suffice. She would have to be in person, feeling Johanna's warmth, smelling her scent, gauging her feelings in her expressive eyes. As well as she knew her, she couldn't get a read on what Johanna's reaction would be. Surely she'd be proud, happy for Katniss. Johanna was not completely selfish. But there would be a sadness to it. The beginning of the end.

Katniss couldn't imagine being without Johanna's love. Her happiness often resided well within the confines of Johanna's big heart and her deep brown eyes. It was a sick co-dependency she never thought she'd feel for anyone. Without Johanna in her life she felt like she might get lost. She might slip back into the colorless world she lived in before her. That's not what Johanna would want. It's not what her father would want.

Maybe Johanna would go to school in California, too. She was bright and talented, she would have her pick of universities. Katniss held onto that feather of hope as she sat in her bed and stared at her acceptance letter laid out on the comforter. Yes, they would stay together. They had to. They were meant to be.

_And the hardest part is yet to come.  
When you will cross the country alone._

* * *

Music: "Please Forgive Me" by Melissa Etheridge and "Blacking Out The Friction" by Death Cab for Cutie. Cressida's opening poem was the last line of D.H. Lawrence's "Grey Evening."


	14. Chapter 14

_And if I'm going to find a way, then I'm gonna find a way._

Johanna balanced herself on the cold metal ladder her mother had gotten out for her. One boot was firmly placed on the top rung, the other on the top of the ladder, obscuring the warning that read "do not step here." The cold wind pushed at her jacket as she began unstringing the Christmas lights that her mother had hung two months prior at the beginning of December. For a moment her eyes flicked up at the sky, a relief flooding her heart at the blueness of the sky. Another day without a rainstorm.

The deceptive sun offered no warmth as she descended the ladder back to the frozen ground beneath her feet. She shimmied the ladder over a few feet and climbed back upward. While she hated the process of removing Christmas lights it was a welcome distraction to tomorrow's task: driving to New York. Her in-person audition for Julliard was on Monday so she was driving alone to New York Sunday, then auditioning Monday and coming back Tuesday. Luckily her winter break had coincided with the audition process for the school. Her composition was finalized and she could play it without even looking down at her piano. The music flowed as easily as water from the page to her fingers to the keys after months of honing her skill.

She had decided not to tell Katniss about her college choice until she got in. There was no need to put an unnecessary rift in between them if Johanna didn't get into the school. Their relationship had finally emerged from the rough seas of the past few months relatively unscathed. Their conversations moved naturally, their physical intimacy back to normal, the ease of their bond clicking back into place. Things were good. Things were amazing. No need to trudge it through the mud. She hopped off the ladder and folded it up. After putting it away in the garage she emerged into her kitchen and smiled at her mother.

_To give it back to you, to try to see it through._

"I can't believe you're going to the Big Apple tomorrow!" Johanna was temporarily stunned to see her mother standing near the oven, tears streaming down her face. Johanna couldn't recall ever seeing her mother cry. Either she never did, or she (like Johanna herself) hid her tears so no one could see them. But there she was in her usual attire of a flannel shirt and dusty jeans, a simple gold chain around her neck with a tiny cross tucked in between her breasts. "I can't believe you're going to college."

Johanna sometimes felt like the Earth, spinning around in infinite space. Her only concern was her proximity to Katniss, the sun from which all warmth and life seemed to originate. She often forgot about the other buzzing stars and planets whizzing around her solar system. All her thoughts had funneled toward how Katniss would react if she got selected to go to school, but wherever she went she'd be leaving her mother behind. This big empty house that she would only occupy in winters and summers, or a long weekend here or there. This life they built together with not a lot of money but a lot of love, she'd be putting it all behind her.

"Mama," Johanna said with a small smile on her features. The name sounded so distant yet oddly familiar, like visiting a grandparent's house. Her mother wrapped her in a hug, holding on tightly to her form. Her mother smelled of sawdust and hibiscus, but mostly she just smelled like home. Johanna buried her face in her mother's shoulder.

"I'm so proud of you, baby girl," Polly said, rubbing her daughter's spine up and down. They rarely had moments like this, of physical closeness. When Johanna was little she would always run home from school and jump into her arms, all lanky legs and wild black hair. Polly would attempt to toe the line between being Johanna's mother and being her friend, as well as being her father and being her confidant. She was all things to her, as Johanna was her entire life. Every moment of work, every conversation, every day spent at the dinner table trying to gently guide her daughter toward success. The cost? Seeing her only child drive away into the horizon and hoping she'd return soon.

_My wish is in the well, my heart began to swell._

Her words held more weight than just the pride of seeing her daughter graduate and attend a prestigious unversity; it was also seeing how Johanna had picked up the pieces and put herself back together. All her life Polly had taught her how to fix things - cars, homes, toys - but she hadn't realize those lessons had transcended the tangible. Johanna could fix herself, she could fix hearts. Through the same perseverance that had allowed a twelve-year-old Johanna to fix a broken mountain bike Johanna had gotten herself back together.

The one lesson she hoped Johanna carried in her heart was that anything was possible through determination. A widowed mother could keep her only troubled daughter in school, turn a failing storefront into a thriving small business. While sometimes Johanna was just out of her reach, she saw enough of herself in Johanna's eyes to know that her daughter would always have a part of her.

"Thanks Mom." Johanna pulled back and used the pads of her thumbs to wipe away her mother's tears. In her eyes she saw herself in twenty years, happy and proud. Johanna could only wish to have some of the happiness her mother radiated to everyone she touched. Though she had no one to share that happiness with other than Johanna herself. Johanna wanted badly to give a life of ease back to her mother. She knew the store made her happy, but the constant contract work was taxing on her. Putting herself at the whim of scumbag people like Mr. Diamant and his terrible progeny.

More than anything, Johanna wanted her success to allow her mother to take time off and see the world. Her bedroom held pictures of exotic locations Polly had never been, places she must have seen in her dreams. Johanna wanted to bring those places to her.

_My breath became so slow, and the world began to grow._

"Look at me, a damn mess," Polly joked, wiping her own tears and disengaging herself from her daughter. A few childhood photos of Johanna were scattered on the table and Johanna's eyes went to them. She lightly fingered one of the polaroids. It was a photo of herself and her father on the hood of what would be her car. Johanna smiled mildly at the photo. She remembered that day. Her parents had argued hard in the morning about how he should have sold the car to help pay their bills, but he refused. Instead he handed Polly the Polaroid camera and insisted she take a picture.

Her father was an incendiary man with big dreams and small ability. "He would've been proud of you too, you know," Polly reminded. Despite how tumultuous her marriage was, she knew Johanna held some rose-colored memories of her father. In spite of his egregious flaws, he really did love Johanna. She was probably the only thing he did truly love. "He insisted we keep that car for you. He told me over and over how it was the only thing he was going to leave you with."

Johanna chuckled and slapped the photo against her other hand. "What a legacy. It was you and me that got that clunker working." Johanna tried to refrain from getting poetic about her father again. Her birthday was bad enough, but the memory of sitting on his lap in the garage as he uselessly tried to turn the engine over was one of the more permanent memories of him she had. The warmth of his lap, the bristle of his five o'clock shadow on her head, the faint smell of whiskey and cigarettes on his breath.

Polly smirked and nodded. "True, but that's because he was a dreamer. Not as practical as you and me. But you did inherit his big vision. Fortunately you also got my know-how. Lord knows where you got all that talent from. Although your great-grandmother Bernice was a very skilled violinist." Johanna blinked in surprise. Her mother had never spoken about any great grandmothers before. Polly sat at the kitchen table and placed her palms around her mug of hot cocoa. "She was your paternal great grandmother. She got married, popped out your granddaddy, then got divorced and never saw anyone in the family again."

Johanna sat down across from her mother, still playing with the near sepia-toned photo of herself and her father. "Why?"

Polly shrugged and took a sip of her beverage. "Nobody knows. My guess is she wanted to travel the world and play her violin. She didn't want to be a housewife or somebody's vessel for children."

"Weirdly progressive for the early 20th century," Johanna remarked with a raised eyebrow.

"We Mason women can be a stubborn lot." Johanna smiled at this statement and nodded. A year or so after her father died her mother had both their names legally changed back to Mason. It was a strong family name that was rooted deeply in Panem like the great oak trees that stood in their backyard. Polly hadn't wanted to lose hers anyway but her husband had insisted.

"Good thing we're also hot." Polly laughed and raised her mug in a gesture of cheers and drank to her daughter. She watched Johanna play with the photo, which still had her father's handwriting with the date and the words "Jo's Future Wheels" scribbled haphazardly on the white tab at the bottom. She reached across the table and took Johanna's free hand with her own. Johanna looked up at her and smiled. "Keep the photo."

* * *

_Love has no limit let's spend it slow forever._

Katniss laced her fingers with Johanna's, her hips pressing Johanna's butt against the driver's side of her car. The engine rumbled behind them, a reminder that Johanna's presence was fleeting. She had bid her mother a tearful goodbye, and now here was Katniss, gray eyes glossy with unshed tears. Her mother had refused to let her take the trip with Johanna since they were supposed to go with the Hawthornes up to a nearby cabin for a short vacation.

"It's okay, pretty girl," Johanna soothed, kissing Katniss's forehead. "I won't be gone long. Just a few days." Johanna had told Katniss that she had an eccentric aunt on her father's side who wanted to see her, so she had made herself available during the break.

Katniss unlaced their fingers and moved her hands slowly up the sides of Johanna's arms. Her wrists settled around the base of Johanna's neck as she pulled her in for another kiss. This was probably the hundredth time she had done it but she couldn't get enough. She had to fill her reserve to call upon the memory of Johanna's lips while they were apart. "Please be safe."

"Always. I always come back to you, don't I?" Johanna asked against Katniss's lips, brown eyes searching the murky depths of the gray ones imploring her.

Katniss smiled. "Can't break tradition." She kissed her once more soundly on her lips and took a forced step away. "Okay, leave before I kiss you again and you run out of daylight." Johanna nodded in wordless agreement and opened her door, settling herself inside the warm interior of her car. Katniss watched as she put on her seat belt and gunned the engine, taking off down the street in a soft plume of smoke.

Johanna turned up the volume on her radio. As deeply as she was going to miss Katniss, she was looking forward to this time. Music, the road, a small flask of whiskey she had smuggled unbeknownst to her mother, a few provisions for the trip, and her thoughts. Panem began disappearing in her rearview mirror as she roared down the interstate highway and made toward the east coast.

_You know I ain't the type to walk around in matchin' shirts._

The drive was going to be a little long, just over nine hours if Johanna didn't hit any traffic. She had never been this far outside of Panem before, never mind this close to New York. It was a city she dreamed of, spurred on by film noir flicks with men in fedoras, and the quaint whimsical vibe of the show Friends. Somewhere between the gritty city streets and the clean cut coffee shops Johanna felt her destiny was nestled.

Johanna knew nothing about the city other than what she consumed from music, television and films. But she knew, as certain as she knew her name and the notes on her papers, that she would end up there. She would be another face in the bustling streets, illuminated by neon signs and cornfield-color street lamps. Her dreams would not be dashed on to the street and swept up every other Thursday. Johanna knew she held inside her the same thing her mother had said: her father's vision and her mother's ability. Every molecule in her DNA was stacked toward being successful. She was an unbroken chain of reproductive success and no one, not even fucking Cashmere and her hateful words and painful touch, was going to rob her of that.

_If relationship is effort I will match your work._

Her eyes gazed on the large cornfields whizzing by her driver's side window, creating a stream of yellow and green that seemed to touch the horizon in every direction. The sun was beginning to settle down for the night, lightning the sky with pale Easter pastels of pink and blue and yellow. Johanna preferred sunrise to sunset, but there was no denying the spectacular death of the sun that cold winter night. The moon was already high up, gleaming down at the dwindling daylight, awaiting its chance to shine.

Johanna focused back on to the long stretch of road and took a small pull from her flask. Her confidence in her ability to pass the entrance exam to Julliard was settled inside her. The only variable was how to tell Katniss. As far as she knew Katniss had applied a few places but was still waiting to hear back. Like always, talk of their future never ventured anywhere. It was like turning down a dead end road every time they tried. Katniss would tense up and change the subject, or they'd just stop talking all together. They'd leave the question mark of their future hanging above their heads, buzzing around like an incessant house fly.

_I wanna be the one to make you happiest._

If they settled in different parts of the country, that wouldn't be too bad, would it? It's the 21st century, a lot of people conducted cross-country or even trans-continental romances. There was Skype and FaceTime and e-mails and instant messaging. There was every way to stay in touch with someone you couldn't touch. They would soldier through their four years and hopefully at the end of those times, weave back together with the natural magnetism they seemed to have. Certainly nothing as pitiful as distance would keep them apart for long. They'd just fold the map and be together.

_There are times when you'll need someone. Oh darling, I'll be by your side._

* * *

The skyline of the city was brightly lit in the dark blanket of night. Johanna disappeared into the green-tinged tunnel that connected the neighboring state beneath the wide Hudson River, emerging into the trafficked, red-and-white lit roads of New York City. Her GPS' voice blared from her phone, telling her where she was to go next. Johanna was glad for its company because her eyes were fixed on the tall skyscrapers that were ubiquitous up and down every block. People with ear buds in their ears skittering across the street on yellow lights, chattering loudly as they waved down the mustard yellow cabs.

Johanna made her way to the hotel she had booked for the few days, just a block away from Central Park. She eyed the valet warily as he took the keys to her car, not entirely trusting the spiffily-dressed young man to handle her baby with care. She watched him drive off until the bellhop escorted her into the large hotel. It was a far cry from Bogie's club. The thin red carpet was a polished beige marble that opened up on to a gradiose staircase that looked like something kings and queens would descend into a ball. The bellhop disappeared with her luggage (which consisted of just one duffel bag and one small suitcase) and she checked in with the smiling woman behind the counter.

It ached in Johanna's heart not to be able to share this incredible vision with Katniss. She turned and used her phone to snap a few photos, committing to sending them to her once she was settled in her new room. She got her swipe key - an ostentatious gold thing that looked like an American Express card - and ascended the glass elevator up toward the 12th floor.

Her luggage was sat outside her room and Johanna lifted it up as she fumbled with the gold card. Each swipe against the door made a loud beep and a small red light blinked at her in defiance. Johanna dropped her things and focused more heartily on swiping the card.

Swearing under her breath she uselessly tried the locked door handle. She ran her fingers through her hair and rummaged in her pockets for her phone, resigning herself to calling the woman downstairs to send someone up to fix it.

"You have the card facing the wrong way." Johanna whipped her head in the direction of the voice. The black-haired girl smiled politely at Johanna and motioned toward the card in her hand. "I had the same problem when I got here yesterday." She took a step toward Johanna, her skirt ruffling in the movement. "It seems logical that the arrow indicate the direction of the swipe, but it's actually just there to tell you which side to swipe. Try it again, but backwards."

Johanna complied with her directions and the green light illuminated and Johanna was able to push the door handle down and open the door. She smiled at the girl. "Thanks. I would've been sleeping out here in the hallway." Johanna put her duffel bag over her shoulder and grasped her wheeled suitcase in her hand. She stood awkwardly in the doorway as the other girl stared at her. Her eyes were so deeply brown they were almost as black as her hair. Her skin was a deep caramel with no marring that Johanna could see. They looked to be about the same age but Johanna couldn't be sure. Her voice had a small accent to it, making her words very distinct and deliberate. Johanna shifted her suitcase to her other hand and offered her hand to her. "Johanna."

The girl smiled and took her hand, shaking it firmly. "Jasmine."

Johanna raised her eyebrow. "Like the princess?"

The girl placed her hands on her hips and cocked one side out. A dark eyebrow raised nearly to her hairline. "You know, that could possibly be construed as offensive. Asking a Middle-Eastern girl if she was named after a stereotype from a horribly racist Disney movie."

Johanna smirked and chuckled. "I suppose so. I don't know any other Jasmines to use as a point of reference. Would you rather I had said, 'like the rice?'" Johanna asked, barely stifling her laughter.

The girl's black eyes twinkled and she shrugged her shoulders. Her white blouse was hanging off both her shoulders, hugging the tops of her arms. "You could have said 'nice to meet you,' but I guess princess is better than rice." She eyed Johanna's luggage. "Are you traveling alone?"

Johanna tossed her duffel bag into her room, placing her suitcase in the doorway to keep the door ajar. She nodded. "Yep. I'm only here for a night or two."

"Likewise," the girl replied, flicking her own gold room swipe key in her hands.

"And what are you here for, Princess?" Johanna asked, a playful smile on her lips.

Jasmine laughed and shook her head. "I am going to pretend that nickname isn't borderline offensive and  _still_  not answer that question." Johanna looked over at her in blatant surprise. "Like I'm going to tell some young drifter in a leather jacket who is here alone why I'm here?" The girl scoffed, her lips still set in a smirk. "You Americans are very trusting."

"Do I seem dangerous to you, Princess?" Johanna gasped in feigned surprise. "Wait, am I the street urchin in my 'offensive' scenario? Suspiciously white and disarmingly charming?"

Jasmine laughed again and started toward the elevators. "You know I've never actually seen that film? If the street urchin is as charming as you've been, I'm surprised he ends up with the princess."

Johanna pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side. "Is that so? Well that's because he shows her the world." Jasmine shot her a disingenuous look and Johanna shrugged. "To be honest they don't quite hit it off so well."

The elevator rang and Jasmine stepped inside, pressing one of the buttons. "Well then maybe we do have something in common." Her teasing smirk disappeared behind the closing doors and Johanna shook her head. Only a few hours into arriving in New York City and she had already had a bizarre conversation. She hurried into her room, excited to recant her tale to Katniss over the phone.

* * *

Katniss sat along the rocks on the side of the lake. The early morning time was her favorite. The sun was barely peeking over the line of trees that surrounded the lake, leaving the place with an eerie blueish glow. Fish swam happily, uninhibited by boats or predatory fishermen. Birds skimmed across the water in flight, eager to grasp any of the brave fish that dared come up to the surface for more oxygen.

No snow had fallen there in a while but there was still a soft, spotty blanket of white across the tops of the trees. Katniss shuddered in her jacket, rubbing her arms in an effort to generate more heat. Only one moon had risen since the last time she saw Johanna but she couldn't help but feel like she was missing something. The way Johanna had left made her suspicious, though it was very unlike Johanna to lie.

The hard pound of footsteps behind her made Katniss turn her head. Gale walked with lighter feet. The smiling face of Peeta came through the woods, somewhat clumsily traversing the rocky and snowy wet leaves toward Katniss.

"Hey. I thought I'd be the only one awake." The blond boy sat on the rock next to her. He took a sip of what smelled like coffee from a silver bullet thermos. In his free hand was a small pastry with a light dusting of confectioner's sugar. "Want some?" he asked, offering both drink and snack.

"No, thanks." Katniss returned his smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I didn't know you and your brothers were coming up here."

Peeta shrugged and took another bite of the pastry, watching as the white powder floated on to his beige sweater. "Yeah it's pretty much the only vacation we get. I used to love coming up here when we were kids. I loved watching the sunrise. Especially since my brothers would be asleep and it's about the only peace I'd get all week."

Katniss chuckled and nodded her head in agreement. "Between Prim and Posy I'll be lucky to get two seconds of rest." She looked back out across the lake and breathed out a sigh, observing her breath rising in the air and dissipating. "I miss Johanna."

Peeta smiled and finished his pastry, wiping his hands on his jeans. "I'm sure she misses you too. Where did she go anyway? It's weird seeing you without her."

The statement was innocuous enough but it gave Katniss pause. Were they really always that entwined? "New York," Katniss answered. "Apparently visiting an eccentric aunt."

Peeta protruded his lip in thought. "That's cool I guess. My brother Ross was supposed to come but it's the week kids are visiting his university so he had to be a tour guide. He's the only one of my brothers I like. I miss him." He looked at Katniss. "Not that it's the same," he grinned.

Katniss laughed and shook her head, adjusting her wool cap over her hair. "Certainly not."

Her expression slowly fell into wistful as her eyes moved back on to the placid lake. As much as she missed Johanna, she was suddenly consumed with the thought that she wasn't much herself anymore. Her mother spent a lot of time telling her not to get so invested in Jo but she couldn't help it. Was it too much too soon? She was considering turning down the only dream she had ever shared with her father just to be around her.

"Is everything okay?" Peeta asked softly, placing his elbows on his knees and looking over at Katniss.

She gave him a small smile and nodded her head. "Yeah just thinking."

"What about? I'm a good listener you know."

Karniss chuckled. "Everyond thinks they're a good listener. Just like everyone thinks they're good in bed and a good cook."

Peeta's pale face flushed with embarrassment. It made him smile, though, because it was something Johanna would've said. He had realized very quickly that his chances with Katniss were non existent the second the two of them walked into school together. Like Finnick and Annie they seemed like an inevitability. Instead he settled for her friendship, which was nearly as good. "Well I am a good cook."

Katniss heaved a sigh, and while she enjoyed winter, she suddenly wished it was warmer. "It's just... I got accepted to Stanford on early action in December."

"That's great!" he remarked, patting Katniss on the shoulder. "Congratulations."

"Thanks." The miserable way Katniss replied made him raise a pale eyebrow in her direction. "I haven't told Jo. I don't want to lose her and I'm afraid if she knows we'll be going to different schools things will be weird."

Peeta nodded in understanding. He dug his sneaker into the frozen ground, thinking upon the issue. "Long distance relationships take effort but they aren't impossible. I'm sure wherever you both end up you'll stay together. I mean I know we're just teenagers but it happens." He nudged her with his elbow. "If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, at least you don't have any regrets."

Wouldn't she though? The thought if someone else being on the receiving end of Johanna's love made her stomach turn. She wanted to be the one to love her and make her eyes glisten. She wanted to be the one to ride out the storm clouds in her life and soothe her.

But for that to happen, she had to be honest. If this truly was her only love surely they would survive a few years of distance.

* * *

_I've got this old guitar, the strings are rusty but it's all I need._

Johanna had no problem playing in front of a crowd. Bogie's was usually packed on her night and with a little help from Mr. Jack Daniels she had no issue overcoming the small amount of stage fright that accompanied playing publicly. Her audtion had been in front of only five people, all of whom held the power to raise or crush her dreams. Never had so much of her future been invested in so few, other than meeting Katniss.

Her piece went well and she received a moderate amount of applause. She had even garnered a dirty look from a boy off stage so she knew she had nailed it. After thanking the council of people in the audience she left the stage and went into the hallways.

"So the leather clad drifter is a pianist?" Johanna turned on her heel, her painful, four inch heels that were punishing her feet. She met face to face with the girl from the hotel, who was dressed in a midnight blue leotard, her makeup done professionally and her hair pulled back in a tight bun spotted with diamonds.

"The princess is a ballerina?" Johanna shot back, cocking an eyebrow.

She laughed and nodded her head in affirmation. "Have you met the competition?" Johanna shook her head. "Would you like to? One of the spoiled brats has a penthouse in our hotel."

"The street rat mingling with the royal court?" Johanna grinned and shuffled her weight on her feet. Jasmine smirked at her and rolled her deep brown eyes.

"Nobody who composes the beautiful piece you did and plays it that well is a street rat. No matter how much leather you were wearing." Johanna blushed and ran her fingers through her hair nervously. "C'mon it'll be fun. The kids who aren't here on mommy and daddy's money are actually decent. They all talked shit when you got up there and then when you played, you shut them up."

Johanna tried not to be offended by that. Simply because she came from humble beginnings and didn't already have private school connections that made her unworthy? "Do you need an escort Princess?"

_Let's gather 'round and sing a song._

Jasmine dimpled her cheek in a half smile and began taking her hair out of the constricting bun it was in. Her jeweled fingers tousled her loose strands of hair. "I might be a princess, but I certainly am not some damsel. I'll see you tonight. 20th floor, room 213." Johanna was left no time to object to her assumption as Jasmine made her way down the empty hallway toward the door. She decided to like that girl. She began hoping perhaps both of them would be admitted.

* * *

_And when the night is done, these chains will hold us strong._

The party was well underway by the time Johanna had gotten there. Based off Jasmine's observation of how Johanna was being perceived, she decided to look the part. Her typical flannel shirt was unbuttoned just below her cleavage, leaving her lace black bra partially exposed, half of it tucked into her skintight black jeans. Her fingers were bejeweled in silver rings, her makeup dark and imposing.

They wanted a rebel? She'd give them a rebel. A friendly girl handed her a red solo cup with an unidentifiable coppery liquid that smelled like straight diesel fluid. She drank it anyway. Jasmine had been right. People approached her like she was an animal at the zoo, prodding her and asking her questions.

Toward the end of the night she was completely plastered and in the middle of a heated debate about composers Clara Schumann versus her husband Robert. That conversation came after her in depth talk about the cultural contribution of Jim Morrison on American music in the eighties, after his death. It was one of the only times, other than her conversations with Cressida, that she felt understood and intellectually stimulated. With Jasmine's legs draped over her own they continued their heated debate deep into the night.

_The chords will carry on, long after we're done._

At one point kids went back to their rooms and retrieved instruments, gathering together in different parts of the room and coming together to play everything fom Haydn to Haim. She loved every minute of it. In spite of the differences between them all socio-economically, music brought each of them together. Johanna made the decision that night to dip into her savings and stay a few more nights. Years of being outcasted and now she finally felt at home with these people, nestled in their shared love of music.

_There's no worries on the earth tonight. We're all walkin' off the world tonight._

* * *

Music: "Within the Rose" by Matthew and the Atlas (artist suggested by elliott13), "The Light" by Common, "Gang of Rhythm" by Walk off the Earth.


	15. Chapter 15

_Whenever you're near, I hear a symphony._

Johanna found rhythm in just about everything. The fall of footsteps in the hallways of school, the (now painful) patter of rain on rooftops, the screech of sneakers against the waxed gym floors, everything. There was a syncopation that she would find nestled in the mundane everyday of life that would put a melody in her head. She planted her feet in the grass of her backyard, widening her stance. With her axe poised above her head she slammed it down, splitting the log she had set up on the stump. Winter was winding down into a thaw, but her mother had requested more firewood for their fireplace.

So Johanna had taken to the forest, one of her favorite places, and brought back some wood to chop. With her ear buds firmly planted in her ears she took to the task with fervor. In spite of the cool temperature she had only worn a small tank top. Sweat was glistening from every exposed inch of her skin, some of it dripping off and dampening the blades of grass beneath her feet.

It had been about three weeks since she returned from New York. The experience had been soul-lifting in more ways than one. The camaraderie of other like-minded musical individuals was amazing, and their ignorance of her past was doubly so. She was not "that girl who slept with girls" or "New Girl's Girlfriend" or "Rape Victim." She was just Johanna Mason, unlikely musical savant. She had gone home heavy with about fifteen different phone numbers of kids from all different paths of life, all of whom wanted to keep in contact with her if they were accepted.

_A tender melody. Pulling me closer, closer to your arms._

_When_ they were accepted. Johanna had gotten her acceptance letter in the mail two weeks later. The crisp, slightly yellowed piece of paper sat in her desk drawer on top of neglected notebooks and used up composition books. She had even withheld the acceptance from her mother. No moment felt right. That slight piece of paper would heavily impact all three of their lives in ways Johanna could barely wrap her mind around.

She wanted to be happy about it but with Katniss still in the dark about her application and acceptance, she couldn't. Nothing seemed worth having if Katniss couldn't share it with her. The axe dug into the wood once more, another syncopated rhythm that moved alongside the music in her head. She let the axe suspend in the wood, gathering the extra firewood in her arms and dumping it next to the house. She clapped her gloves, peeling them off to expose her sweaty palms to the cool air.

The crunch of leaves behind her made her whirl around on her heel. Her face lit up into a smile as she took in Katniss. She was wearing one of Johanna's flannel shirts, tied around her waist over her jeans. "I probably look a mess," Johanna noted, wiping sweat from her forehead with her arm. It was futile since her arm was slicked with sweat as well.

Katniss didn't move. From her stance a few feet away under the pierce of the sun's rays, Johanna couldn't tell what she was staring at. "Is your mom home?"

Momentarily dazed by the question Johanna blinked a few times in rapid succession. "Um, no? She's at the store. Why? Did you -" Katniss cut her off by grabbing her by the hand and pulling her through the back door. She didn't say one word as they climbed the steps to her bedroom, only stopping to close the door behind them. She didn't bother with the lock. Fastening the lock seemed to unnerve Johanna anyway.

Katniss surged forward and captured Johanna's lips in a fearsome, ugly kiss that was equal parts passionate and desperate. Her fingers snaked up Johanna's damp back to her hair, pulling the hair tie from her and grasping the newly freed locks. Her mouth kissed in staccato beats along her jaw, her tongue running from Johanna's cheek down her neck. Her fingers slipped beneath the hem of Johanna's tank top and pulled it over her head.

"Katniss, I'm all sweaty."

"I know." Johanna shuddered as Katniss's voice took on a vibrating bass. She was glad she had decided to forgo a bra. Katniss shoved her down on the bed, untying her own flannel shirt and discarding it on top of Johanna's tank top. Her denim-clad knees went to either side of Johanna's thighs. She reached down, unbuckling the belt from Johanna's waist. She tugged at it furiously until it gave way and she whipped it on to the floor.

_Suddenly, your lips are touching mine._

She leaned down and took Johanna's lips in a fearsome kiss. Seeing her sweaty in the sun had been like running her hand on a live wire. Plus, this was a distraction from what she had come over to do: tell Johanna about Stanford. Her tongue lapped up the sweat on Johanna's neck. She tasted like salt and smelled like the earth. Her fingers stuck in Katniss's hair as they grabbed her head. Every part of her glistened with sweat and Katniss wanted to consume it. Her tongue ran laps along her clavicle, scraping the top of her canines against the skin.

Her fingernails scraped gently along Johanna's sides, making her squirm with arousal and from the tickling sensation until she reached her pants. Tongue swirling around Johanna's breasts she fumbled with the button on her jeans. The sweat had made them adhere to her legs but Katniss was stronger than a little elbow grease. She yanked them down over Johanna's hips, shimmying them down until they rested at her feet. No time to worry about that. She returned her mouth to Johanna's abdomen, kissing and sucking the sensitive skin above her pubic bone.

She was about to head to her final destination when Johanna sat up on her elbows. "Wait, I'm ..I'm sweaty and gross." Her brown eyes darted to the bathroom door. "I should shower if we're -"

Katniss moved up, pressing Johanna down gently with her palm against her shoulder. "I don't care." She kissed the side of Johanna's neck, giving her earlobe a quick bite with her teeth. "You look so hot." Johanna groaned and gripped Katniss's back tightly with her fingernails, causing the other girl to gasp into her ear. She kissed her way back down the pale plane of Johanna's body, stopping to briefly adorn her breasts with kisses. Her tongue dipped into Johanna's belly button, tasting the sweat that had accumulated there. She slipped her hands beneath Johanna's body, gripping her backside with her fingers and burying her mouth inside Johanna's sex.

_A feeling so divine._

Her mind hummed with pleasure as Johanna tensed and relaxed beneath her touch. She placed languid, open-mouth kisses all along her arousal-soaked lips, sucking the essence from them as she plunged her tongue inside the other girl. It had been so long since she had been able to take Johanna this way. Sex with her had always been passionate and a give-and-take of power and pleasure, but since her attack it mostly been Katniss allowing Johanna to do as she pleased.

But she knew, deep down, Johanna wanted to be possessed a little. She had looked so unmistakably brilliant in the sunlight, Katniss couldn't exactly help herself. Her muscles flexing with the axe, the sweat dripping from her body, the tight way her clothes were gripping her in all the right places. Her mouth moved upward toward Johanna's clit, circling the engorged bundle of nerves with a light tease. She ran her tongue from Johanna's entrance to her clit over and over again, swallowing her arousal and pushing it upward.

_'Til I leave the past behind, I'm lost in a world made for you and me._

Johanna's ragged breaths began to come much faster, with much more purpose. Katniss gripped the edges of Johanna's hips with her nails and buried her nose in Johanna's sex, suckling hard on her overworked clit. Katniss was treated to not only a string of colorful profanity, but the hard bucking of Johanna's hips and the stream of liquid falling on her tongue.

Instead of moving from her she stayed in between Johanna's parted, shaking thighs, swiping at every inch of her folds with her tongue. She left a bit of arousal on her and moved up her body, planting kisses along Johanna's shivering skin. She placed her face on Johanna's neck and in an agonizingly slow movement, slid her middle and ring finger inside her girlfriend. "I don't think I can.."

"Shhh," Katniss cooed into her ear, moving completely in and out of her at a speed that almost seemed like she was still. "I just want to be inside you." Johanna's hand came up and wrapped around Katniss's neck, grabbing a fistful of her hair like it was the lifeline she needed to live. In compliance with her comment, Katniss moved achingly slow. There was no concerted effort to get her off. She'd move inside her and stay there, enjoying the warmth of Johanna's insides and the soft sighs of pleasure exhaling from her lips.

Johanna kicked off her shoes and pants with a few movements of her legs. With Katniss fucking her slowly she pulled her shirt over her head and discarded her bra. "Your pants," Johanna managed in a small voice. She unbuttoned Katniss's fly as the girl kicked off her shoes, still penetrating Johanna with slow movements. Finally, after some maneuvering, she was laying naked against her, feeling the sensation of skin against skin. Johanna gripped Katniss's naked back, rolling her over so she was on top of the other girl. She withdrew Katniss's hand from inside her and pinned it next to her hips.

_Whenever you're near, I hear a symphony._

Katniss pouted in resentment as Johanna moved her legs around and held Katniss's hands firmly against the bed. She was about to protest the lack of contact when Johanna's slit came in contact with her own. Johanna hovered over her, slowly rubbing her sex against Katniss's, gasping as her clit made contact with Katniss's soaking wet sex. Katniss broke free of Johanna's grasp and wrapped her arms around her back. She flattened her palms against Johanna's muscles, feeling them move as she fucked herself against Katniss.

Between Katniss's slow tease and this new sensation Johanna's head tipped forward as she felt the oncoming twinge of orgasm begin in her groin. "Holy shit." Katniss cursed from beneath her, nearly breaking her skin with her hard she grasped Johanna's back as she came. Johanna moved against her more furiously, attempting to draw Katniss's orgasm out and bring on her own.

She kissed her hard, her hips jerking as she came, beyond her control. Another staccato rhythm for her brain. "Mm, I love you," Johanna mumbled against Katniss's lips as her hips dropped over Katniss's leg in exhaustion. Now she would definitely need a shower, she thought to herself. Her arousal was coating the inside of Katniss's thigh as she laid half on top of her.

_Each time you speak to me, I hear a rhapsody of love now, baby._

They laid like that in sticky silence for a few minutes, enjoying the fall and rise of each other's chests. Both slicked with sweat, Johanna was reminded of the hot day they first met. Katniss in her unseasonable leather jacket, which Johanna had now come to equate that smell with her. The moment their eyes met and Johanna knew, she just completely knew, no one would make her feel like Katniss did in that moment.

She was the type of girl authors wrote about. The type of girl composers wrote their symphonies for. The type of girl that would drive a man crazy and when you saw the picture of her, she was the kind of beautiful that he lost his mind, you'd understand why he went crazy. You'd have gone crazy, too.

"Jo, I got accepted to Stanford."

The warm, post-coital haze Johanna was swimming in was suddenly swirled down the drain. She lifted her head up off of Katniss's shoulder to look her in the eyes. "You what?"

Katniss squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted to will the world away. She didn't want college or distance. She wanted this. Johanna's nearness. Her sweat. Her eyes. Her hands. "Please don't make me say it again."

"Stanford that's.."  _That's in California. I'm going to be in New York._ Her voice dropped and she rolled on to her back, untangling herself from the heat of Katniss's body. The sweat and arousal on her body suddenly felt sticky and stifling. "That's a long way from New York." Katniss immediately propped herself up on her elbow, her gray eyes taking on an unmistakable intensity. "I got accepted to Julliard."

Katniss shook her head as if trying to physically shake away the information. The settling of the scent of sex around them suddenly seemed inappropriate. "Is that what you did in New York?" What she really said was:  _You lied to me?_

Johanna nodded. "I had to audition in person. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was scared."

_As you stand holding me, whispering how much you care._

"Scared of what?"

Johanna's throat moved as she dropped her chocolate gaze to the bedsheets. "I was scared you'd want to leave if you knew we'd be separated." She moved onto her stomach, lifting herself up with her elbows. She reached down and took Katniss's hand between her own, pressing her lips against her knuckles. "I think we can do this."

"Live across the country?" Katniss looked away from Johanna's piercing stare toward the ceiling. A tear pushed forth from the corner of her eye and slid down the side of her face. "Jo I hated when you went to New York. How am I going to cope with you thousands of miles away?" She used her free hand to run it through Johanna's hair. "Don't get me wrong, I am  _so_  proud of you."

Johanna paused, holding Katniss's fist to her face. "We can do this. We'll Skype and write letters like it's the 19th century. And we'll work and save up and come home as much as we can." Johanna tightened her grip on Katniss's fingers. "If we promise to work at it, we'll get through this." She shimmied closer to Katniss, dropping her fist so she could kiss her on the nose. "You're my girl, Katniss. Always."

_A thousand violins fill the air now, baby. Don't let this moment end._

* * *

_Her friends are so jealous you know how bad girls get._

As usual Johanna sluggishly got her things together at the end of her classes, even going so far as to wait for a student to ask an inane question before he left. Johanna sat on the desk in front of Cressida's desk, banging her legs against it. Cressida moved behind her desk, sitting down in her chair. She pulled out a stack of papers bound with tiny metal clips on the side.

Johanna canted her head to examine them. "Whatcha got?"

Cressida looked up from her papers and sighed. She placed two hands on the top of the stack of them and frowned. The stack of papers - a summation of her time as an English major and the lost year she spent in Los Angeles - was near to her heart. However, as the year yawned on, she knew the younger girl in front of her was also crawling near to her heart. It was thrilling and upsetting at the same time. "A screenplay."

"Yours?" Cressida nodded. "That's pretty bad-ass."

Cressida smirked and turned it around, handing it to her. Johanna looked over at her in surprise and the blonde nodded her head once more. "Go ahead. Unfortunately, I'm missing a key element." She got up from her seat, crossing her hands behind her back. Her heels clacked against the tile as she moved closer to Johanna. "I'm writing a film that has some ...musical elements." She watched with keen interest as Johanna's eyes lit up and looked at her. "And since I lack development in that area, there are about eight rather large gaps in the script."

_Sometimes it's not so easy to be the teacher's pet._

Johanna thumbed through the paper, finding the treatment in the first few pages. As she read, she spoke. "You want original pieces?"

"I must. The characters' development depends on it." She sat on the edge of the desk Johanna was on, the side of her body flush against the younger girl's. "This may sound a tad bit forward but, would you consider writing for me? With me?"

Johanna's eyes widened in thought. That seemed like an awful lot of responsibility. "Really? Me?" She felt the heft of the script in her hands, the pages feeling about ten times heavier than they were.

Cressida smiled and nudged her student. "You're the most talented musician I know. I'd be honored if you'd help me." At night, when Cressida went home to grade papers with an embarrassing amount of wine, her mind often wandered to the black-haired girl in her last period class. She'd surmise, by the fifth glass of wine, that they would have been friends had they attended high school at the same time.

Part of her wished they had. As Johanna's life became clearer to her, she wished to be of more help with the people who gave her looks and made snarky comments. Being one of - Cressida had assumed - maybe five homosexuals in the school was harrowing enough. Being proud and open was quite brave. Cressida paid no attention to the other, persistent, dreadful, cliched feelings that swam inside her stomach.

_Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry._

"I'd love to."

"Wonderful!" Cressida clapped and snapped herself from her reverie. She placed her hand on the copy of the script in Johanna's hands in her lap. "You keep this one. Read it, devour it, let it marinate inside your brain. I don't have a specific aesthetic in mind but I think you'll gather my point after you read it."

Johanna smiled widely and nodded her head. "What's the Cliff's notes version?"

Cressida's hand stayed on the script in her lap as she looked up and pursed her lips. "It's sort of a love story. Kind of a tragic, like Orpheus and Eurydice."

Johanna raised an eyebrow and stared down at Cressida's hand in her lap. Her fingers were long, soft, like someone whose life had been a little too easy. Soft like summers on a private island somewhere. Her nails were short and perfectly rounded, painted in a soft green color. Johanna noticed she changed them for the different seasons: red at the beginning of the year, navy blue for winter, green for spring. She imagined a dusty pink for summer.

"So one of them poofs and disappears?" The question, delivered with such an adorably straight face, made Cressida nearly fall off the desk in laughter. Johanna had a way of taking complex things and boiling them down into the simplest terms.

"Virgil is rolling in his grave right now." Cressida withdrew her hand from the script, lighting brushing against Johanna's knuckles as she returned her hands to her own lap. The way she and Johanna had clicked, like two toy trains with magnets on the ends, had made the physical closeness between them almost ordinary. It occurred to Cressida on several occasions that it was probably inappropriate. No teacher should be this close to her student. But Johanna's old soul made her feel like the age difference was obsolete. What was a decade when they were both recycled souls anyhow? They were really thousands of years old, two of those people who don't remember their lives but they manifest inside them anyway.

_Wet bus stop, she's waiting. His car is warm and dry._

Johanna snorted and kept flipping through the pages, skimming the dialogue. "As if there'd be enough of him to roll around anyway."

"Touche," Cressida replied. She eyed Johanna's hands as they went through the script quickly. "I just hope that, if this comes together, we get taken seriously." Johanna looked up at her and Cressida was immediately taken aback by how close they were. The desk barely fit the two of them on it anyway, and their faces were within a few inches of each other. She could see the faint scar just above and below Johanna's lips of unknown provenance. "When I was in Los Angeles a few years ago, I had a hard time getting anyone to take me seriously as a screenwriter. Hence the teaching."

"But you're brilliant," Johanna defended with confusion in her tone. Cressida rolled her eyes but Johanna's gaze was insistent. "Let not our proposal be disregarded on the score of our youth."

"She plays classical music  _and_ quotes Virgil?" Cressida slid off the desk. "Where were you when I was in high school?" In her high school experience people like herself were hard to come by. She spent her youth buried her old novels, living between the yellowed pages of print and losing herself in the old smell of pulp and ink. Her mind ostracized her. "Is there anything she can't do?"

Cressida sat back down her in teacher's chair, crossing her legs. Johanna hopped off the desk and walked around Cressida's and sat on the edge of the desk next to her. She leaned back on her palms, propping her feet up on the metal bar that held the markers for the dry erase board. Inside Cressida's mind a tableau of this exact scenario occurred, but with much less clothing. She blinked rapidly and shook those thoughts from her head. Thank goodness this girl was graduating in two months.

_Don't stand so close to me._

"Don't think for one moment I buy this 'poor me, I was a loser in high school' thing you've got going on," Johanna said with a smirk. Cressida raised an eyebrow in offense. "You're brilliant. You're funny,  _sometimes_. You've got crazy good taste in music and cars. And you're gorgeous. Girls like you don't suffer in high school. Girls like you make life for girls like me hell."

"For girls like you?" Cressida repeated, taking her pen from her desk. She felt as if she needed something to do with her hands. Nervous habit, couldn't quite shake it. "Mason, you fall into all those categories as well." Johanna rolled her eyes in unmasked disbelief and planted her gaze on the globe in the corner of the room. "High school was difficult for me. Nobody wants to be friends with a brainy girl with pictures of Oscar Wilde and Emily Dickinson in her locker."

Johanna's lips curled into a smirk as she looked back at her teacher. "I would've been your friend."

"You wouldn't have paid any attention to me, trust me."

"If you haven't noticed I sort of having a homing system for beautiful women."

Cressida laughed and sat back in her chair, twirling the pen between her fingers. This situation was getting rapidly out of her control. She should not be  _flirting_ with some student like she was some undersexed teenager. "I have also noticed your girlfriend."

Johanna read between the lines:  _You're treading on thin ice_. She liked to flirt with Cressida and push her buttons. There was nothing either of them could do, but it was a delicious exercise in futility. "I'm just having a little fun with you." Johanna stood up from the desk, taking the script in her hands and putting it in her messenger bag. In her mind she was already scoring the film; sweeping horns and lilting pan flutes. "Besides, you and I would've been quite a team in high school."

"Perhaps." Johanna made her way toward the exit. "But make no mistake, Miss Mason. You would've broken my little teenaged heart."

_It's no use, he sees her. He starts to shake and cough. Just like the old man in that book by Nabakov._

* * *

After getting home from taking a long, hot shower with Johanna, Katniss had fallen into a melancholy. Revealing her acceptance to Stanford had been a weight lifted off her chest, but she still felt pressed down by the prospect of a future without Johanna. Gale had tried to get her to go out hunting with him, but she had refused him three times. Prim tried to get her to play some board games, but she wanted to be in her room.

Alone on her bed with her acceptance letter staring her in the face like a bad omen. Take this acceptance and only see Johanna over chilly winter breaks and hot summers. Spend each day wondering if there was someone else making her laugh, causing the corner of her mouth to turn upward in a smirk, putting that light in her eyes that Katniss had only seen with herself and music. There'd be other friends, friends with more in common, probably prettier and smarter. Johanna would slowly begin returning her phone calls late, not picking up on the first ring. Letting her voicemail go unanswered because she was up all not composing with another musical genius, or out to an off-off Broadway show with friends.

They'd begin the painful process of uncoupling, neither of them having the courage to just rip the band-aid off. But this, this painful thought that threatened to shred her heart inside her chest, was less painful than the thought of disappointing her family. The look in her mother's eyes if she said she was turning down the acceptance, and the rather large financial aid award... It would be far too much for Katniss to bear. Like losing her father all over again.

But the look in Johanna's eyes if she told her that they should see other people. That would probably destroy her, too. At least Johanna was still alive to mend things with. Her father was dead, a corpse in the ground, the only warm, living part of him residing inside Katniss's heart. No, she couldn't kill his dreams. She needed that part of him alive inside her.

It would be the only thing to keep her warm when the sunlight of Johanna was extinguished.

* * *

Music: "I Hear A Symphony" by the Supremes, and "Don't Stand So Close To Me" by the Police.


	16. Chapter 16

"Buy them yourself." Disdainfully the girl swept out off the stage in a huff, pulling her gloves on and disappearing stage left.

"I'm afraid you've spoiled that girl, Henry. But never mind, dear. I'll buy you the tie and gloves."

Finnick preened happily, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Oh don't bother. She'll buy them all right." He leaned in and kissed the girl on the cheek. "Goodbye!" The girl walked off behind the other one, leaving Finnick alone in the middle of the stage. He jangled some change in his pockets with a self-satisfied smile. The curtains closed to him and the darkened auditorium erupted in applause.

Johanna stood up, sticking her fingers in her mouth to push out a loud whistle. The curtain reopened to reveal the full  _Pygmalion_ cast, with Finnick in the center. He and the girl who played Eliza Doolittle, a cute little brunette freshman, bowed together to more applause. Finnick bent down to receive a rose and Johanna saw the bright red hair even from her seat a few rows back. He got down on all fours to kiss Annie and took the rose in his mouth.

After the usual handshake and back-clapping that accompanied the end of a play, Johanna and Katniss stood in the hallway, waiting for Finnick and Annie. After each of his plays they'd all go to a restaurant outside of town that served minors and eat terrible food and drink into the night. Katniss's back was flat against the cold stone of the school, Johanna's arms wrapped around her waist. They stood nearly connected at the hips, their legs alternating between each other. Katniss slung her arm over Johanna's shoulder, smiling as she placed a small kiss in her hair.

Johanna leaned in and rested her head against Katniss, looking down the hallway in the opposite direction. Her attention was caught by a blonde woman with her coat draped over her hands. She was speaking with two of the cast member's parents, smiling and nodding in the conversation. Casual Cressida was an interesting creature. By virtue of her half-shaved head you would think she might be a student, perhaps an older sibling come home from college. But the way she spoke, with carefully calculated authority, demanded respect and forced people to listen to her.

They caught glances and she saw Cressida smile at her. Her hair was braided in the center, the rest of the blonde locks falling over her right shoulder as they normally did. She wore a tight fitting black dress with a small set of lace at the bottom covering the middle of her thighs, and some at the top to go over her clavicle. Her wrists were alight with a silver watch, the other with several silver bracelets jangling together as she spoke.

Her shoes, black and pointed with a very slim heels clicked against the tile as she bid the couple adieu and crossed toward Johanna. Johanna lifted herself off Katniss, untangling their legs. Cressida smiled as she approached, flicking her eyes toward Katniss, who was oblivious to her presence, then back to Johanna. "Good evening, Mason, Katniss."

Katniss straightened her posture and stood next to Johanna, giving Johanna's teacher a smile. "Hi."

"Did you both enjoy the play?" She looked from one teenager to the other, her eyebrow raised in question.

Johanna shrugged. "I guess." In fairness, she had fallen asleep during one of the acts. She wasn't particularly proud of that but she had been up the entire night before studying for a test and the heat in the auditorium, coupled with the darkness and Katniss's comfortable shoulder, she had dozed off.

"Always such a spirited discussion with you," Cressida teased, darting her blue eyes over to Katniss. "Miss Everdeen?"

Katniss looked at Johanna, then to Cressida. "I like the movie better. But Finnick was very good."

"I agree, Mr. Odair seems to be built for that role. His English accent was spot-on as well." Cressida narrowed her eyes toward Johanna. "How is the script coming along? Have you read it?"

Johanna nodded and perked up. "It's actually amazing. The dialogue is so ...so lyrical. I'm not having any problems thinking of songs. It practically writes itself."

Cressida failed to hide a small blush on her cheeks as her eyes went to the floor. Her eyes came back up to Johanna's. "Well thank you. I consider that high praise indeed. I look forward to the full report on Monday."

Johanna cocked an eyebrow and smirked. Katniss watched uneasily at the comfortable banter between the two of them. Unlike when she and Johanna first met, Johanna was not intimidated by Cressida. Not like the rest of the students who Katniss had heard call her an "ice queen" or just plainly a bitch. One time she had even witnessed Johanna vehemently defending the teacher - who apparently didn't have a last name - to some jock she hated. Johanna was never one to take up a cause.

Cressida watched as Katniss slipped an arm around Johanna's waist, a protective maneuver that wasn't entirely wasted on her. Johanna seemed typically oblivious, simply leaning into the contact. "Are you trying to give me homework?"

Cressida chuckled and shook her head, her blonde curls bouncing on her shoulder as she did so. "Hardly. Though even if I was, you'd come up with some excuse to get yourself an extension, wouldn't you?"

Johanna slid her tongue along her bottom row of teeth and tilted her head to the side. "Is it my fault that you're a pushover?"

Cressida's mouth opened into an offended 'o' shape, her cheeks dimpling as she did so. Before she could answer Finnick strode up behind them, his arm wrapped around Annie's waist. He had a few smudges of lipstick on his cheeks from the adoration of a few overzealous mothers but he was grinning from ear to ear. "Cressida! Did you enjoy my savant performance? Some have compared it to Phillip Seymour Hoffman in  _Capote_. Would you like to comment?"

He extended his fist as if he held a microphone and Cressida laughed, leaning forward to speak into the microphone. "I shall refrain from commenting until Mr. Odair finally turns in his homework from two weeks ago." Finnick dropped his pretend microphone and looked up at the woman sheepishly. "Don't think I'd forgotten, Odair. But you were very good. Congratulations."

"Thank you! Now we," he slung his free arm around Johanna's shoulders, "are going to celebrate at McDougal's. Would you like to join us? The first round is on me."

Johanna's body tensed enough that both Finnick and Katniss tossed her glances. Cressida smiled and ducked her head. "Ah thank you, but I think fraternizing with the students at a bar where this is underage drinking is a violation of many laws. Coriolanus Snow would have my head on a platter."

Finnick leaned in covertly and grinned. "What Snow doesn't know doesn't kill him."

"Unless he didn't know he was being poisoned," Johanna supplied casually, prompting a round of stares from everyone. "What? It was a hypothetical."

"I will unfortunately have to decline the offer. All of you have fun and please be safe." Cressida moved around the quartet of students and weaved in and out of the jacketed people still populating the hallway outside the auditorium. Johanna watched her go over Finnick's shoulder, then turned back to her friends.

"All right. Let's go booze it up!"

* * *

_Settle down with me, cover me up._

March roared into Panem with a series of thunderstorms, all of which kept Johanna inside her home, even during the school day. She had crossed many hurdles following her attack but the sound of a thunderstorm still rattled her bones to the very core. She picked up her phone off her bed and stared down at her contacts. Typically during rainstorms Katniss would talk to her over the phone or borrow Gale's truck and drive to her house. Katniss, unfortunately, was out to dinner with her mother and sister and had been instructed to "leave her phone at home." Finnick and Annie were on a date to the movies.

With a sigh Johanna pressed a button and waited as the other side rang.

Cressida loved a rainstorm. It was the perfect time to draw a bath and devour a good book, as well as copious amounts of wine. Her right hand held the chalice of wine, occasionally putting it to her lips. Her eyes remained trained on the novel in her left hand, her guilty pleasure of  _Fingersmith_ by Sarah Waters, as she sat beneath the fluffy white foam. With a sigh she placed the book on the small table next to the claw-foot tub, reaching over to place her wine next to the novel. She settled into the bath, allowing the bubbles to inch up her neck like a ringed Victorian collar. The blonde woman made a mental note to allow Johanna to borrow the novel; she had enjoyed  _Tipping the Velvet_  so she would probably love  _Fingersmith._

Her free hand fingered the well-worn spine of her novel, while she dragged her other hand beneath the water, flattening her palm against her stomach. Her first year teaching had gone surprisingly well. Not that she thought lowly of herself; quite the opposite, she thought she would excel. The only kink in her plan was this affection she had developed for a student. It wasn't necessarily an attraction she told herself as her hand tickled the flesh of her inner thigh. It was more of a kindred spirits type of relationship.

_Cuddle me in._

Admittedly, the first time she had seen Johanna at the club she had been attracted to her. Dark brunettes who could sing like that were a weakness of Cressida's since her childhood. Then to find her not only an old soul but a matching sarcastic personality... Cressida's head tipped back as she slipped her index and middle finger inside her folds and she exhaled a quiet sigh. She dipped her fingers into her own arousal moved the heads of her fingers upward, rubbing her clit in slow semi-circles. Her left hand gripped the side of the tub, curling around the edge as she pushed herself toward orgasm.

Her phone jangled obnoxiously next to her and Cressida startled so hard she knocked it clear onto the tile. "Fuck." Quickly she leaned out of the tub, dripping water on to her floor as she grabbed her phone. She eyed the number and let out a long groan. This was not what she needed halfway to making herself climax. She pressed the button and put the phone to her ear, sliding back into the tub. "Hello?"

"It's weird that people still say that like it's a question. You have my number. You know it's me." Cressida rolled her eyes at Johanna's logic, watching the bubbles as the crested against the edge of the tub, upset at her nearly falling out of the tub to get her phone.

"It's weird that one of my students calls me at nine in the evening."

"Don't give your number to students, then."

Cressida smirked. "Touche."

"Your voice sounds weird." Cressida blushed, watching the red skin move across her breastplate. Did she really sound weird? "You sound kind of out of breath. Were you working out?"

Cressida chuckled. "No. If you must know, I'm in the bath. Does that satisfy your curiosity?"

Johanna laid back in her bed, trying to ignore the rolls of thunder above her head. "What are you doing?"

"What do you think, Mason? I'm taking a bath."

"My baths usually don't make me sound so breathless."

"Perhaps you aren't doing it right then."

"Wow. I'm a little offended." Johanna grinned on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The imagery of what she thought Cressida was doing definitely helped wipe away the storm clouds in the sky. "How should I do it then? You are my teacher, correct? Teach me."

_Lie down with me and hold me in your arms._

"You are treading on thin ice, Mason."

"Don't I always? C'mon, you can tell me. We're not at school and we're not prissy little virgins. Self-love is normal and natural. I bet you even light a shit ton of candles."

Cressida eyed the very flames Johanna was blindly referring to. "I will hang up this phone, Johanna."

"I could help."

Cressida shifted her weight in the tub, eager to scratch the itch that she herself had started before being rudely interrupted. Johanna's come ons were no help. "Is there a reason for this call?"

Johanna reached over to the table beside her bed and grabbed Cressida's script. "I'm finished with your script. I thought we could get together and start putting the songs together. I've got some stuff written out in my composition notebook. It's not much but you can let me know."

"That sounds wonderful. Spring break is in a week, correct?" Cressida didn't wait for an answer. "How about Monday you come to my house and we will start working on it?"

"You assume I'm not doing some kind of debauchery doing my spring break? I'm eighteen! I could go to Cancun!"

"Are you?"

"...No."

"Wonderful. I'll see you in a week then. I'll e-mail you my address. Good night, Johanna."

"Good night." Johanna went to hang up the phone and put it quickly back to her ear. "Wait, Cressida?"

Cressida, one hand beneath the water and the other holding her phone, sighed loudly. "Yes, Johanna?"

"The shower head is usually more effective."  _Click_.

* * *

Cressida stirred the soup in her pot slowly, gradually allowing all the vegetables to get to know one another and share their juices. It had been ready nearly twenty minutes earlier, but Johanna was in the other room pounding away at the piano with such focused intensity she hadn't wanted to stop her. A quick glance out her kitchen window saw the beginning droplets of a rainstorm. Pity, it had been such a nice day, too.

_Lie down with me and hold me in your arms._

A loud crash of thunder rumbled over the house and Cressida heard the piano stop. In the same beat the rain began pouring down in buckets, sloshing the grass and smashing against the tiles of the roof. Cressida went into the living room, about to open her mouth to discuss the weather when she caught sight of Johanna. Her body was white as a sheet, shaking as she pulled her jacket over her shoulders and pushed her arms through the sleeves. "Are you leaving?"

"Yeah I...the rain..." Cressida furrowed her eyebrows and looked out the large bay window at the rain. There was no way you could even see your hand in front of your face, never mind drive in this kind of downpour.

"You can't possibly leave in the middle of this thunderstorm, Johanna. There's no way you and that rear-wheel-drive machine will make it down the block." Cressida moved to the window, pushing back the sheer white curtain. "The street is already flooding." Johanna bit her lip and wrapped her arms around her midsection. Something had her completely spooked. Her brown eyes were darting in every direction, like a mouse trying to gauge an exit strategy. Cressida smiled. "Are you afraid of a thunderstorm?"

"No," she shot back with venom, and Cressida visibly bristled at the offended tone Johanna took. Her eyes squeezed shut and it looked like she was trying to will herself to stop shaking.

Something unsettling began rooting around in Cressida's stomach. The way Johanna was trembling and looking scared was not right. The smile faded from her lips as she took a tentative step toward the younger girl. "Johanna, is everything okay?" The lights above their head flickered and went off and through the lightning's glare outside, Cressida saw the look of pure horror cross her face. Johanna began to bolt for the exit and Cressida grabbed her by the shoulders. "Johanna you can't go out in this weather."

_And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck._

Johanna wrenched from her but it felt like holding a kite in the wind, little resistance. "N-no, please, you have to let me go. I can't..."

"You can't what? Johanna, you can talk to me. You're safe here." Johanna looked into her eyes and Cressida tried to piece together what was frightening the girl. Had her father died in a rainstorm? No, he died overseas. The words 'you're safe here' seemed to mollify her only slightly so she tried it again, her voice softer. "Nothing can harm you in here. Not the rain, not the thunder." Slowly she let go of Johanna, afraid she would bolt out the door if she wasn't being restrained. Contrarily, she looked relieved to be unhanded. "I have a 'shit ton' of candles, remember? I'll light a few."

Cressida moved away from her to retrieve her lighter, leaving Johanna alone in the living room. She sat down on the couch, still hugging herself close. Cressida reappeared quickly, lighting the various candles around the room. A lot of them were scented and the smell in the room was probably going to be bizarre, but the violent way Johanna had reacted to the dark erased her concerns.

Once they were all lit, she sat next to her student who seemed fixated on the orange glow of the room. The shadows danced against her walls, highlighting random photo frames of photography she enjoyed and had hung around the room. They let a long silence fill between them as the thunder rolled outside, each time making the younger girl shudder. "If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone else?"

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet._

Cressida looked over at her, surprised by her words. She looked so tormented, Cressida wanted to bundle her up and protect her from whatever demons were waging inside her eyes. "Of course."

"Last year, this girl..." Johanna trailed off, looking down at her shoes. "This girl that I used to have ...a sort of relationship with. It wasn't anything real or romantic or anything. Just fucking." Johanna sighed, chuckling sadly at her own expense. "A lot of fucking. I guess that was easier than admitting there was something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with a healthy sex life, even if you are a little young."

Johanna dragged her eyes up Cressida's legs, passed her body, to her face. "It wasn't healthy. It was fucked up. We just used each other. At first it was all the time. Every few days... Then I got kind of tired of her? So we only hooked up when we were drunk, at parties and stuff. After I met Katniss... never again. Well once, but before we were together."

Cressida nodded for her to continue. "It was just always so violent. When we were sober it was ...just about power. Making her come was more about seeing how badly I could hurt her before she would break." Johanna's voice fell silent and Cressida didn't move. She barely dared to breathe. "I guess she was jealous because I didn't want to fuck her anymore. She didn't like to see other people happy, especially not me. So one night she came to my house.. it was raining really hard outside. Thunder... She shows up with..." Johanna squeezed her fists together to stop them from shaking. Gently Cressida placed her hand on top of Johanna's trembling hands. "The power went out and I couldn't see her. I didn't see the gun..."

"Oh my God," Cressida breathed out quietly, rubbing a small circle with her thumb along the front of Johanna's hand.

"How could I have been so stupid? I was just so  _stupid_  and fucking scared and I thought she'd hurt Katniss if I didn't." Johanna's voice broke, her shoulders shaking with quiet sobs. "She just...for hours. Making me fuck her and choking me and holding me down." Sadness quickly began to ebb into anger. "You know what the worst part was? I actually orgasmed. At least once. I actually got off on her sick fucking rape. I felt so disgusted with myself I wanted to throw up but nothing ever came up. She just laughed in my face, telling me how clearly I was enjoying it. That 'this is who I am' some sick pervert who likes to be hurt."

"I truly hope you don't believe that," Cressida said quietly, using her free hand to stroke Johanna's hair. "None of what happened to you is your fault." Johanna shot her a disdainful look. "Really. You weren't stupid. You were scared. You were trying to protect yourself and Katniss. And the ..." Cressida cleared her throat. "The reaction you had, is completely normal. The body doesn't understand. Usually making love is mental but sometimes the body does what it is programmed to do. And it's not as if you were unfamiliar with her so in some respect, it was your brain trying to do you a favor. Trying to create some sort of pleasure."

"That is so thoroughly fucked."

Cressida rubbed her palm along Johanna's spine in soothing movements. This was not what she thought would happen when she had Johanna come over. She could not have foreseen sitting in the dark with this beautiful, broken girl sobbing because of some disgusting act committed upon her. "Thank you for trusting me with that. I want you to know that I think you're very brave." Johanna scoffed and looked away, wiping the tear on her cheek with her shoulder. "Look at me, please." Slowly Johanna obliged. "Every story worth reading has a plot twist, be it tragic or otherwise. Every interesting person has a little bit of brokenness inside them. It is that brokenness that allows us to call to others to fix us."

"What's yours?"

Cressida shook her head. "What's my what?"

Johanna's lip curled only slightly. "Your plot twist."

Cressida smiled and ran her fingers through Johanna's hair, twirling a strand of it around her finger. Johanna's eyes fluttered at the contact, seemingly finding it soothing. Cressida continued to play with her hair as she spoke. "When I was sixteen I came out as a lesbian to my parents. They immediately disowned me and kicked me out of the house."

Johanna felt both privileged to be on the receiving end of this information and simultaneously disgusted. She was always grateful for not only her mother's acceptance, but her encouragement and support. Too many young men and women had stories like Cressida's. "Whoa. That's heavy."

_And with I'll feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now._

Cressida chuckled and nodded. "Seems like ages ago. And yet, I can feel it like it was yesterday. I was just so offended, you know? Like, Mom, Dad, I'm the same little girl that you bought a bright pink bicycle for when I was ten. I'm the same little girl that took horseback riding lessons and loves Snickers bars and dancing. How can you all of a sudden not love me anymore over something I can't control?"

"What happened after?"

Cressida sighed, leaning into the plushness of her leather couch. Johanna shifted her weight and then placed her head in her teacher's lap. The comfort, the warmth, the acceptance there was like a balm to her nerves. Cressida continued playing with her hair, smiling fondly down at the young girl. "Well I moved to Los Angeles. I faked some documents so the school would think I had a home and I slept in my car for two years until I graduated."

"Holy shit."

Cressida laughed quietly. "Holy shit is right. Then I applied to colleges while I worked full-time at this awful dive bar on the strip. Got a full ride to UCLA, got my bachelor's, went and got my master's and my doctorate simultaneously over the next four years. Graduated near the top of my class for all three degrees. Never saw my parents again."

"Really?" Johanna asked, turning over so she was face-up looking at her teacher. "Never?"

"Nope. They couldn't support me when I was at my most vulnerable they surely do not deserve me at my most successful. At any level of success, really. They've sent me e-mails over the years, reaching out to me. But..I just cannot. I want to forgive them but I will never be able to look in their eyes and see the same people. And I know they couldn't control themselves. I know that deep down, they were more disappointed in themselves thinking they had failed as parents. Which is stupid, too. But I can't forgive them. So instead, I love myself. I define myself by my own successes and failures, not the ones they projected on me."

A rumble of thunder made Johanna squeeze her eyes shut. "That seems like the mature thing to do."

Cressida stroked the young girl's hair, her other arm now stretched along the back of the couch. "It took me a lot of years to be okay with myself."

"Now you're  _okay with yourself_  in the bath and everything." Johanna's lips curled into a grin and Cressida stared down at her, open-mouthed.

"You cheeky thing." Another roll of thunder made the girl beneath her tremble and Cressida heaved out a sigh. "You know what? I have an old radio around here somewhere. Battery operated." She patted Johanna's stomach. "Up you go, I'll go find it. We can do some dancing until this rain lets up."

Johanna sat up and Cressida left the room with silent footsteps, rummaging around in a closet blindly. After a few minutes of clanging around and swearing at her disorganization, Cressida emerged with a battered looking portable radio. Triumphantly she raised it in the air and entered the room again. She placed the radio on top of the piano and turned it on, trying to find any station coming in clearly over the rain.

The soft guitar strummed loudly, a soft bass drum thumping in the background. Cressida eyed Johanna warily, but the young girl didn't seem fazed. "Not up for a slow jam?" Johanna opened her arms. "Come on, I don't bite."

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved._

Cressida wrapped her arm around Johanna's waist, holding Johanna's free hand in hers. She pulled their clapsed hands in and held them to her chest, leading Johanna in a soft almost-waltz around the candlelit room. With anyone else this would have been terribly romantic. Cressida kept reminding herself that this woman, this girl, was her student. This was not some girl she had chased home. This was not okay.

But it felt okay.

Johanna rested her head on the crook of Cressida's shoulder, attempting to move with agility since Cressida seemed to move so naturally. Just like Cressida, part of this poked at her conscience. How could see share such feelings for someone other than Katniss? The feelings she had for Cressida, which moved fluidly from lust to affection to friendship with startling elasticity, were not appropriate for someone in a committed relationship.

_This feels like fallin' in love._

* * *

_Settle down with me and I'll be your safety. You'll be my lady._

Cressida sat on the edge of the piano bench, watching Johanna's hands move across the ivories. It was strange to see such hands, a little rough in their appearance, unpainted nails at uneven lengths, create such fluid beauty. The song was forlorn with just a bit of hope sparkling out of the notes at random intervals. Johanna was humming a melody along with it, accompanying herself wonderfully. Cressida took the glass of wine from on top of the piano and took a sip as Johanna stopped abruptly. She stuck the end of a pen in her mouth and pulled off the cap, making a scribbled notation in the sheet music in front of her.

Johanna looked frustrated. The music was coming along beautifully. It somehow matched the aesthetic Cressida had in her head without her ever having verbalized it. Johanna was certainly the first person to accurately get inside her head. It was unnerving. "I want it to sound like the mockingjays. This girl is trying to get the other to love her. She wants her to mirror that love back like the mockingjays mirror sound. She says I love you, she wants to  _hear_  I love you." Johanna gently played a few more notes.

Cressida turned to her, eyes wide. "So how does one make a mockingjay sing?"

Johanna turned her body to face Cressida, pulling her leg up between them to rest her calf on the piano bench. She was so close she could taste the faint hint of grapes on Cressida's breath. "You sing it a melody for only the mockingjay to hear. You whisper it a song so sweet it intrinsically needs to sing it back. So here, you give her something something she needs. She has to say something that the girl wants to hear so badly that she'll repeat it in her bones until it bursts forth from her mouth."

"Like a kiss." Johanna raised her eyebrow in confusion. "Like a first kiss. That tentative first melody of your lips on that person's. Hoping that they will sing that kiss back to you in perfect harmony. Even if it's clumsy or ugly with passion, it will sound like a symphony because your heart will play it as such." Cressida didn't know when her voice had dropped to a whisper. Something about the moment they were in seemed to be quiet with unspoken tension.

_I was made to keep your body warm._

Things between them had been altered since the night of the rainstorm. Johanna's abrasive attitude seemed more rounded than the sharp-edged sword normally was. Cressida had attempted to keep her distance but it was of no use. Almost every third day Johanna would show up at her door, bursting in with a flourish of "listen to this!" and play something magical on her piano.

Cressida enjoyed watching Johanna work. It was truly like being in the presence of genius. When she focused on her music she became like a swirling tornado, solely attuned to one thing. Her deep cedar eyes would be looking at you but she couldn't see you. She was seeing notes in the air or watching the vibration of a violin's string in her mind's eye. Cressida would just casually grade papers, making a comment where she felt necessary.

_My head's against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck._

Johanna was unlike anyone Cressida had ever known. She was tortured and brilliant and funny and wise. She carried with her the torch of wisdom but yet the wide-eyed innocence of youth. Her moral stance of their friendship teetering into another territory stumbled nearly every day she saw her. She felt like a rock against the raging swirl of Johanna's ocean, slowly being eroded away and not bothering to move.

She never spoke of Katniss when they were together. The times she did, it was laced with betrayal. That Katniss's uncertainty of their future was somehow a knife in Johanna's back. To Cressida though, it seemed like projection. Katniss's openness about her nervousness over their ability to conduct a long term relationship only furthered Johanna's guilt that she didn't think they could, either.

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet._

Johanna surged forward, kissing Cressida with the same funneled passion she had for music. Her lips moved like song, all rhythm and driving purpose. This kiss was not a symphony, it was a march. She felt fingers tangling her hair, sucking in a quick breath as they broke apart to switch angles, their lips connecting more softly the second time. While Johanna's hands were wrapped in her hair, her own hands were clutching the piano bench underneath them for support. Her lungs combusting from the lack of oxygen getting to her ribcage. If she was against Johanna's ocean before, now she was inside it, drowning and allowing the salty darkness to consume her.

Cressida heard herself curse into the kiss and felt the curl of Johanna's lips against hers. A pair of pearly whites clamped down on her bottom lip, a soft warm tongue flicking the flesh before she plunged her tongue back into Cressida's mouth. Her nails scraped against the base of Cressida's neck, eliciting shudders down her spine that she could neither control nor stop. The warning in her brain of how wrong this was began screaming like an alarm in a nuclear reactor about to go supercritical.

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved._

When they broke apart in need of air to breathe, Johanna couldn't help the wideness of her eyes as she looked into Cressida's blue ones. She hadn't meant to kiss her. It just had felt inevitable. Like the urge to step in front of an oncoming train, but usually your brain tells you no. It tells you to step back. Johanna didn't listen to it and instead thrust herself in front of the train with gusto. With abandon.

"I think you should go," Cressida stated with some finality, getting up from her position on the piano bench. "I'd like to continue working with you on this project but...  _this_  cannot continue. Things cannot continue as they are."

"Why not?" Johanna asked, balking at Cressida's calm authority. Had she not just swooned in her kiss?

Cressida began filing Johanna's music into a folder and handed the stack of papers to the younger girl. "You are my student. It was wrong of me to ask you to do this, but obviously I cannot take that back now. Not that I would, this has all been beautiful. I've just let things spiral out of control."

Johanna got up from the bench, taking the folder from Cressida. She still wore a mask of confusion. Confusion at her reaction, confusion at the kiss. "I hardly call a little kiss spiraling out of control, Cress."

"Are you going to tell Katniss?" The immediate falling of Johanna's face as confirmation enough for Cressida. "Exactly. That was not some little kiss. That was a student and a teacher not only fraternizing outside of school hours, but at my house, with your tongue in my mouth. We have, well I have, literally broken the law. I am trained to reflect this behavior, not encourage it. Beyond that, I've made you feel like you've betrayed your girlfriend."

"Fuck, Cressida it's not like we had sex relax."

Cressida rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "It was completely unethical and unprofessional of me, do you understand? I think that we should not see each other until the school year is over. Then we can resume work, if you want. If you're uncomfortable, I understand."

"Fine." Cressida felt helpless. She felt like she was standing outside the gates of some forbidden city watching the larger-than-life doors close in front of her. Where once she had been allowed inside Johanna's walls, she was being closed out. That was for the best though. "See you at school." Johanna tore out of Cressida's house, angrily throwing the folder of music into her backseat and she got into her car. Her engine grumbled to life and she took off down the street, sending the smell of burning rubber high into the air.

When had her life become such a cliched mess?

* * *

Music: "Kiss Me" by Ed Sheeran.


	17. Chapter 17

Cressida looked out at her class with a small frown on her lips. The teenagers, many of them seniors and one foot out the door, were in various stages of boredom as she attempted to engage them. Unfortunately her planning had been off and the novel she had assigned as their last lesson, an easy read in  _Ethan Frome_ had been a flop. Nothing dampened a summer spirit like a depressing winter novel set in New England.

"Okay, I know you're all waiting for the bell but we are not leaving until we discuss, at least shallowly, how you all felt about the novel." Her eyes moved around the room to catch the gaze of whatever unfortunate soul was going to be a part of the discussion. "Marvel?"

The brown-haired boy looked up from his desk and shrugged his shoulders. "I thought it was okay. I mean it was boring as shit but I guess I understood why he stayed with his wife."

Cressida raised her eyebrow, intriguied. Typically the very conservative notion of staying in a loveless marriage didn't win over teenagers. They were still drunk on the literary notion of true love and passion, like  _Romeo and Juliet_  or  _Pride and Prejudice_. "Really? Why is that?" _  
_

"Because she's been there the whole time, his wife. She cared for him before she got sick, y'know? And clearly that other chick isn't too stable since she was all, 'Let's kill ourselves so we don't have to live normal lives.'" Cressida chuckled at his summation of the novel. "And that's what's expected. A man stays with his wife. She didn't do nothin' wrong."

"She didn't do anything at all," Johanna interjected, crossing her legs. Cressida looked at her interestedly, nodding for her to continue. "Zeena is not just some woman. She's a symbol. The societal expectations that Ethan feels he's crushed under. He thinks he ought to stay with Zeena because oh no, what will this sleepy town of nobodies think of him?"

Cressida smirked, crossing the room toward Johanna's desk. "And you think this notion is silly?"

"I think it's downright idiotic," Johanna corrected, sitting back in her chair. Her deep cedar eyes remained locked on Cressida's blue ones. " _It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion._ " Cressida tried to look unaffected but the well-timed quote made her swoon slightly. "Frome was afraid to give wholly to his desires. He was so concerned with Zeena - really just concerned with what people thought - that he disregarded his happiness for complacency." Her mouth moved up into an almost unnoticeable smirk. "Sometimes to get what you want, what you really, truly desire, you have to take risks."

Cressida felt her heart pounding inside her chest. A quick look around the room showed the students in ranging levels of disinterest, relieved her of the notion that they understood the undercurrent of Johanna's interpretation of the novel. To Cressida, the meaning was unmistakeable. Unmistakeable and unnerving. There should be no reason this girl, this girl barely burgeoning on adulthood, should be able to lord this power over her. "Oftentimes you cannot just take what you want, Mason. There are many things to consider. Frome probably would have lost his job in his town, his very livelihood."

"Are jobs any harder to come by than love?" Johanna cocked and eyebrow and waited for a response. She did not receive one. "It's much easier to change direction in occupation than it is to change your heart. You feel what you feel and no amount of running or evasion will soothe it. Love  _will_ be felt. Passion  _will_ be felt. Living without it is just cowardly."

* * *

_Won't you please let me go? _These words lie inside they hurt me so.__

"Johanna stop we're gonna be late for dinner."

Johanna grinned against Katniss's moving mouth as she kissed her, trying desperately to get underneath Katniss's shirt. "Relax darlin' we have plenty of time." Johanna's hands moved to her hair, crushing Katniss into a kiss that she was trying to get out of.

Katniss finally pushed Johanna away with some force, glaring at her. Johanna hadn't been on the receiving end of legitimate anger from Katniss in ...possibly ever. Unequipped for it she blinked a few times. "Johanna, please. We have fifteen minutes to get down there. I don't want to be late."

There was an unnecessary crossness to her tone that gave Johanna pause. She sat down on the edge of Katniss's bed, bouncing against the familiar-smelling bedsheets. "Is there something wrong?"

_And I'm not the kind that likes to tell you just what I want to do._

Katniss looked at herself in her vanity, adjusting her earrings that Johanna had moved around with her tongue in her attempt to seduce her. Under normal circumstances she would've welcomed Johanna's advances. However, the impending cloud of graduation coupled with the uncoming storm that would be moving to California, Katniss was in no mood for Johanna's distractions. She refused to even entertain the notion that their relationship was not going to work long distance and it had been quietly eating away at Katniss for weeks.

Katniss was tired of living in that fantasy world. The harsh reality was that there would be 3,000 miles between them. For most of the year for four years. Not counting if either of them studied abroad or didn't come home one summer. "Yes. You won't talk to me."

Johanna raised an eyebrow, adjusting the beanie on her head as she did so. "I'm talking to you now, brainless."

"You know what I'm talking about!" Katniss spat back, whirling on her heel to face her girlfriend. Johanna was incorrigible when she was certain she was right. Johanna looked surprised, even hurt, at her outburst and Katniss closed her eyes. "I leave for California on July 1st. My Aunt Maysilee has a house there and she's going to let me stay with her before the semester starts."

"And?"

_I'm not the kind that needs to tell you just what you want me to._

"And? And?! Are you really that fucking naive? We are going to be on opposite ends of the country. We are going to try and Skype and see each other but you know just as well as I do that we'll be too busy. You're going to Julliard. One of the most competitive schools in the country. You're going to be surrounded by people like you who are talented and musical and you're not going to want to sit on your bed in your dorm while everyone else practices for recitals or writes operas or whatever." Johanna's mouth quirked into a small smile before settling back into a frown. "I'm going to be elbow deep in textbooks and novels and I am not going to be able to do this."

Johanna stood up, taking off her hat and setting it on top of Katniss's mattress. Her wide brown eyes glossed over as she moved toward her girlfriend. Katniss recoiled from her touch and went toward the other side of the room. Johanna felt like someone was taking a carving knife to her stomach. Katniss had never shirked from her touch before. "What are you trying to tell me? You want to just give up on us?"

Katniss sighed, expelling a short sob that was a precursor to the tears she felt collecting in her throat. The hot, wet sadness and anger inside her that had been accumulating for weeks was suddenly very present and demanding. "I am not  _giving up_ I'm being realistic. We're eighteen! We don't know anything about conducting a relationship long distance."

Johanna's eyes went perceptibly darker as she placed her hands on her hips. "This doesn't sound like you. This sounds like your mother. Is that what she's been telling you? This bullshit 'we're too young' thing?"

"We  _are_  too young!" Katniss stepped to Johanna, grasping her biceps with her fingers. "I hate being without you but the thought of you so far away and potentially meeting someone else kills me."

_I saw you this morning I thought you might like to know I got your message in full a few days ago._

Johanna's eyes moved around the room, attempting to focus on just about anything to keep her head from spinning. This felt unreal. It felt almost too painful to be real, like a particularly fresh nightmare. One that was so gruesome, so frightening that it shakes you from sleep with alarm. She wrenched free of Katniss's grasp and grabbed her hat from Katniss's bed. "If you want to break up with me, grow the fuck up and do it like an adult. Tell me you don't want to see me anymore."

"I  _do_  want to see you."

"What, as friends?" Katniss nodded weakly and Johanna let out something strangled between a cry and a laugh. "Fuck you, Katniss. Fuck you and fuck your mother too." Katniss's palm stung her cheek in a fearsome slap that blurred her vision for a moment. When she looked back at Katniss, the tears were streaming down her face. "One day you're going to look back on this fucking moment and you're going to regret it. You're going to regret the day you let your mother control a relationship she is not in." Johanna shook her head sadly, running her fingers through her hair. "I will never love anyone the way I love you but I am not going to try and convince you to be with me. That's not how love works."

"Now who's giving up?" came the soft reply.

"Are you serious? You  _just said_ that you aren't willing to do this anymore. Just because I'm not willing to torture myself by attempting to be friends, or worse, stay in a relationship where you've checked out? If you've already thought about leaving, you might as well have just left." Johanna was calm. She was calmer than she had ever been. In her nightmares when she dreamt about Katniss leaving her, she would rage and cry and feel sick. In the morning when she awoke she'd oftentimes be too nauseated to move. She felt like the stale summer air before a thunderstorm. "I'd say I'd like to be friends but that would require me to pretend that I'm not in love with you. Which I am. Which I always will be."

_I understood every word that it said._

Katniss's chin dropped to her chest, shuddering sobs shaking her ribcage. Johanna wanted to hold her, an instinct as intuitive as taking a breath. This was not the type of pain Johanna could will away. Being with Katniss had seemed like a forgone conclusion, as if all other aspects of her life were supposed to have collected around it. Without this pillar of her future, where would the rest of her ambitions go? As boats adrift need a lighthouse, Johanna's dreams needed Katniss to guide her.

She left Katniss's room, casting a disdainful glance toward Mrs. Everdeen on her way out. The reasoning behind her duplicity was not lost on Johanna; it was reasonable to expect them to break up before college. They were young, they were impulsive, but they weren't idiots. They weren't helpless puppies who needed a leash to guide them toward their futures. But Johanna would not put herself through that torment. If Katniss had doubts, their relationship was doomed already. If she was going to bend to her mother's whims instead of striking out as her own person, then that was a problem she herself would have to solve.

And when she did, Johanna would be there.

_And now that I've actually heard it, you're going to regret._

* * *

_I am colorblind. Coffee black and egg white._

Life is strange. Time moves along blissfully unaware of the heaviness in hearts, the pain in eyes, the ache in souls. Johanna's walks to school were different now. No more bouncing blonde curls of Prim, no hand holding her own as she made her way toward the school. With each step a sadness she had been denying herself the privilege of feeling over the past few weeks.

School was torturous. Every hallway, every closet, every bathroom...places she might have pushed Katniss against a wall and kissed her. A classroom where they might have had a long talk about nothing, simply enjoying each other's presence. The grief over their relationship had yet to really fall in, but the palpitations in her heart and the sinking stone in her gut made her steps heavy. Cressida, though she had been keeping her distance, had noticed the change in her as well. But Johanna refused to speak to her. She didn't speak to anyone. She'd pass Katniss in the hallways and be forced to look away. Finnick had tried to talk to her several times but she shut him out.

School wasn't going to happen. Johanna instead spent the day with her mother at the shop. Polly didn't have to have a conversation with her daughter to know what had happened. Johanna had come home that day, locked herself in her room, and played Johann Sebastian Bach's "Come, Sweet Death." The only other time she had ever heard Johanna play it was after her father died.

_Pull me out from inside. I am ready. I am ...fine._

They didn't have to speak. For hours they just worked side by side, cleaning up the shop and organizing the inventory. Around two p.m. she left without saying good-bye, walking the short distance back to the school. She sat on the edge of the car hood for hours. About two and a half, if her cell phone was correct.

Cressida's eyes were wide as she stepped cautiously toward her car. "Mason. You missed class." Her tone was even, not soft. It didn't take a scientist to understand why Johanna had been upset. In the past two weeks even Katniss Everdeen had been glum, and more glaringly, she had been absent from the outside of Cressida's classroom.

Johanna meant to respond. Instead her legs gave out and she slid down the hood of the car onto the gravel of the parking lot. Hard, loud sobs shook from her lungs outward, shaking her body as she crouched on the ground. She heard the car door open and close, then Cressida came down to crouch in front of her. "Can...can.. I can't.."

"Shh, okay darling, let's get you off the ground. If we're gonna have a big emotional breakdown, let's have it somewhere more comfortable than the parking lot in front of my car." Cressida helped Johanna up and motioned for the car. "Get in."

Johanna didn't object - she couldn't - and she slid into the passenger's side. Once Cressida got in the car Johanna looked over at her, red puffiness underneath both her eyes. "Why would she do this? I can't... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying," Johanna hiccuped, "I'm trying to be mature about this but I can't. I feel like the world is ending. Why does it feel like this?"

_I am covered in skin. No one gets to come in._

Cressida looked at Johanna, stroking her back strands of hair with a sympathetic smile. "Oh darling girl, because that's what heartbreak feels like." Cressida turned over the engine and made out of the parking lot quickly. Her best efforts to keep Johanna at bay her half-hearted at best. Seeing her in such desperate pain awakened an empathetic need inside her she hadn't felt since she was a teenager herself.

They ended up in a secluded part of town Cressida had found upon moving last summer; an empty meadow with a few fallen logs that were perfect for sitting. Johanna continued to weep silently as she brought her there, making her way toward the fallen log she herself had done a lot of thinking on. She sat there for a while with Johanna, letting the girl cry on her shoulder and sniffle, wiping her mucus on her sleeve.

" _There's no use in weeping, though we are condemned to part: There's such a thing as keeping a remembrance in one's heart. There's such a thing as dwelling on the thought ourselves have nurs'd. And with scorn and courage telling the world to do its worst. We'll not let its follies grieve us, we'll just take them as they come. And then every day will leave us, a merry laugh for home. When we've left each friend and brother, when we're parted wide and far. We will think of one another, as even better than we_  are." Cressida peered at Johanna, who had rested her head on her shoulder. Her sobs had quieted down some since they had sat down. It must have been at least two hours as the sun had begun to fall a little in the sky, but was still bright and burning.

 _"_ _Every glorious sight above us, every pleasant sight beneath. We'll connect with those that love us, whom we truly love till death. In the evening, when we're sitting by the fire perchance alone. Then shall heart with warm heart meeting, give responsive tone for tone. We can burst the bonds which chain us, which cold human hands have wrought. And where none shall dare restrain us we can meet again, in thought. So there's no use in weeping, bear a cheerful spirit still; Never doubt that Fate is keeping future good for present ill._ "

Johanna wiped her face again on her sleeve, a little disgusted with herself. "Do you... do you think that she and I will be together one day?"

_Pull me out from inside._

Cressida's heart ached inside her chest. Johanna was so earnest, so forthright with her emotions. How Katniss had ever looked into those guileless brown eyes and broke her heart was a mystery. Katniss was too young to know that this kind of person, the person who can give her heart wholly to everything she does, is as rare as they come. "Maybe, darling. We can't predict the future. If we could we'd all be kings and queens. But we're not kings and queens, we're like the little blind mice in the clock."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better? Telling me I'm a rat?"

Cressida chuckled, kissing the crown of Johanna's head. "No, I'm just saying we're all doing this together blindly. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it makes sense. But maybe, down the line, it will. Until then, you just hold tightest to whatever gets you through the day." Cressida looked down where Johanna had gripped her hand tightly. She unlaced their fingers and she wrapped her arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close.

_I am folded and unfolded and unfolding._

* * *

Graduation came quickly. The days and nights melted together into a muddled mass for Johanna until the day her mother had been waiting for arrived. She donned her cap and gown, walked under the arch, grabbed her diploma and graduated. The day was long and hot, almost unbearable for Johanna with the nearness of Katniss. Her eyes always seemed drawn to her, finding that magnetizing gray gaze in the sea of eyes staring forward.

After they had thrown their caps in the air there was controlled commotion as family and friends got on the field to congratulate their family members. Her mother was off talking to some of the other mothers, Katniss was... Johanna had lost sight of her and that was probably for the best.

"Hello Johanna."

The two words felt like steel knives in her spine, twisting and rubbing against her nerves. That voice, that voice she had heard in her nightmares almost daily since nearly a year ago. That honey voice that had whispered in her ear and wiggled inside her veins. Johanna could feel the blood drain her face as she turned around in the grass.

"What, no hug?" Johanna swallowed down the bile in her throat as her eyes drank in the sight before her. Cashmere, hair now a darkened shade of brown instead of her typical blonde, standing along amidst the field of graduates. Of course she would be here; Glimmer was graduating too. Johanna's body began to tremble a little as her throat dried.

Cressida turned around from her conversation and looked at Johanna. She didn't recognize the girl she was talking to, but by the way Johanna looked like she was seeing an apparition, it didn't take her long to put two and two together. A rage she hadn't felt in many years began to bubble beneath her skin. This girl was extraordinarily beautiful with long, flowing cedar hair and a tall, tightly fit form. She reminded Cressida of the young women who would be courtesans in some medieval royal court.

"You need to get away from me," Johanna said lowly, finding a small sliver of confidence somewhere within her. Maybe it was the distance from the event but she felt better than she thought she'd feel if she saw Cashmere again. Still though, an intense fear ran through her veins like heroin making her ill and slightly dizzy.

Cashmere laughed, flipping her hair over her shoulder and taking one step closer to Johanna. "Or what, Johanna? What will you do?" She gave a look around, green eyes darting toward the other graduates. "I've been waiting a long time to see you again. Where's your better half?" Johanna didn't know where Katniss had gone. Probably somewhere to talk to her mother or Prim, maybe Gale. Johanna felt like an animal in a tar pit, sinking deeper and deeper with no one to help her. "Aw, did she break up with you?" That mocking pout. With every blink of her eyes she saw that mocking pout hovering over her face when she winced.  _"Aw does that hurt?"_

"Mason," Cressida called from over Cashmere's shoulder, pulling herself to her full height. She was glad she had gone with her dreadful heels even though they were wobbly in the grass. They allowed her to have at least an inch of height on this mysterious brunette who seemed to be frightening Johanna. There was absolutely only one person that could be. Cressida's jaw tightened considerably as she stood next to, and slightly in front of, Johanna. "Who's your friend?"

Johanna's lips set into a tight line. "This is not my friend. This is Cashmere. She graduated last year."

Cressida was not impressed. This was not going to be some conversation where they all avoided what desperately needed to be said. Cressida stepped closer to Cashmere, wishing deeply to slap that smug smirk off of her lips. "You're the rapist." Who needed violence when one had words? The smirk fell from Cashmere's lips like a dropping anvil, her green eyes that were alight with superiority now fell flat. "Don't try to be coy, sweetheart. I know who you are. I know what you've done. And more importantly, I know  _what_  you are." She stepped one more step closer to Cashmere, looking down at her and a smirk on her face. "I am not a child. I am not afraid of you. You have no control over Johanna any longer. The power you thought you possessed? The power to make someone feel as helpless inside as you do? You do not have that power, dear."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Who are you?"

Cressida crossed her arms over her chest and didn't back down. "Who I am doesn't matter. But I will get straight to my point if you need brevity." Her eyes narrowed considerably. "I will make every single breathing moment of your life is veritably painful as possible if you ever set foot near Johanna again. And I don't mean just physically, though I am not above it. I will move inside you like a disease, infecting everything you are. I will be in your dreams, screaming inside your head. You have no idea of what I am capable, dear. So here's what I suggest. You move along, you take your sister and your family and you have a nice dinner. You go home and sit in your empty bed and you contemplate how dead you are inside. And if you are ever in the need to feel alive again and you contact Johanna, I will make you feel alive with pain. I will make you  _burn_  with it. Am I perfectly. Fucking. Clear?"

Cashmere scoffed and turned to leave, but Cressida gripped her fingers around Cashmere's arm tightly. She tried to wrench free but the older woman was just a little stronger. "Get off of me."

Cressida laughed and leaned into Cashmere's ear. "Did she say that to you? Is that what you hear in your head when you sleep at night?  _Do_  you sleep at night? Or are you kept up by the crawling evil that lives inside you?" She felt the girl shiver and Cressida tightened her grip. "Now I will ask you one more time before I find your father in this audience and I tell him that his eldest daughter is a rapist and a sexual predator. Am I clear?"

"Y-yes." Johanna's eyes widened. She had no idea what Cressida was saying to Cashmere but the way Cashmere's face had paled and her voice had lowered, it must have been something worthwhile. Cressida let go of Cashmere, straightening out her own skirt as she watched the former blonde walk away toward the bleachers where the families were.

She turned back to Johanna who immediately threw her arms around her. Cressida fell back a few steps but slid her arms around Johanna's waist in a tight hug. This was safe here. Just a teacher hugging a student on graduation day. They didn't have to know how her body trembled as Johanna spoke lowly into her ear. "Thank you."

"Do you want to leave?" Cressida asked suddenly, running her fingers through Johanna's hair. The younger girl nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

_You know that it would be untrue. You know that I would be a liar._

Cressida heard the discordant sound of her piano as her ass hit the keys with such force the small picture frame on the top of the piano fell over. Johanna was in between her legs in a flash, her fingers tangled up in her hair gripping the strands with a desperate cling. Johanna smiled wickedly into their kiss, moving her lips over Cressida's mouth, teasing her tongue with a swipe of her own before racing kisses down her jaw and behind her ear. She felt nimble fingers skillfully undoing the buttons of her blouse with surprising deftness. Johanna's lips never left her neck where she was alternating between hot pushes of her tongue and hard scrapes of her teeth, careful not to leave any marks.

Two hands grasped the sides of her shirt and pulled them down roughly over her arms. Cressida helped by pulling her arms in and Johanna flung the shirt carelessly on the floor, gripping the undersides of Cressida's thighs and lifting her up off the piano. Her legs wrapped around the back of Johanna's thighs as the girl walked toward the stairs but got as far as the wall and slammed Cressida against it, capturing her between the wall and her mouth with another passionate kiss. Cressida broke away form Johanna's mouth to pant and moan, those skillful lips kissing the hollow of her throat and the sensitive patch of skin beneath her ear.

"I do have a bedroom," Cressida managed to blurt out in between moans, prompting Johanna to stop what she was doing and focus those wild wolf eyes at her. Never in her life had she been on the receiving end of such unadulterated desire like she saw in Johanna. Her raw sexuality could power entire nations indefinitely.

"Then by all means, lead the way." Johanna dropped Cressida back on her feet, kissing her fully on the lips once more before allowing Cressida to move again. The blonde took her by the hand and led her around the bottom of the stairs toward the back of the home. Her bedroom was exactly how Johanna had imagined it: a small desk with a laptop and a pile of books, an extremely neat bed with white pillows and a white comforter perfectly made, black and white photographs of trees emerging from placid lakes. "Jesus Christ, are you Mrs. Dalloway?"

Cressida chuckled at the reference and turned around, closing the door behind Johanna. "If so that makes you my Sally Seton, doesn't it? My youthful indiscretion. My revolutionary." Cressida took Johanna by the back of her neck and pulled her into a kiss, using her teeth to tug on Johanna's bottom lip hungrily. "My free-spirited garden dalliance."

_If I were to say to you, 'Girl we couldn't get much higher.'_

Johanna grinned against the kiss and pushed them both forward, forcing Cressida to sit down on the bed. She got to her knees, looking up into the widely dilated blue eyes of Cressida's. She slowly took off Cressida's heels, twirling the strap on her finger playfully before tossing them to the side. She was sure somewhere in the room was the specific place Cressida put her shoes but Johanna didn't care. Her hands ran up the length of Cressida's stocking-clad legs, moving underneath the skirt until she got to the hem of the stockings on her slim hips.

She pulled the stockings and matching panties down her thighs, over her knees, giving the inside of her knee a kiss as she put both of the undergarments on the floor next to her. Cressida raised an eyebrow at her young lover, leaning forward to grab her by the collar of her shirt and pulled her in for a kiss. "Now I feel underdressed, Mason."

Johanna ran her tongue along her teeth as she stood up and kicked off her sneakers, watching them lay next to Cressida's heels with a bemused smirk. Her socks came next, her shirt pulled over her head until she was clad in only her bra and jeans. Cressida moved back on her mattress, shifting around so she threw her sheet to the side of the bed. Up on her knees she beckoned Johanna with a crooked finger and Johanna crawled toward her, kissing her stomach and up between her breasts as she got closer. Cressida slid her hands down her own back to begin unzipping the back of her skirt and Johanna quickly grabbed her hands to still them.

"Leave it on." Cressida's eyes flicked up toward Johanna's before she closed them and pulled Johanna in for a kiss. Her fingers dipped underneath the straps of her bra and lowered them down Johanna's shoulders before unclasping it and letting it fall to the bed. Her mouth moved down Johanna's neck to her clavicle, lavishing wet kisses on the beautiful bone structure there, watching her veins move with every gasped breath of pleasure. Her lips moved around the light pink nipple, giving it a gentle suck as her other hand squeezed the soft flesh. She felt Johanna's fingers in her hair again, urging her on and closer to her breasts.

_C'mon baby light my fire. Try to set the night on fire._

"You know," Johanna panted, "I've never been with anyone who knew what she was doing." Cressida looked up from her position between Johanna's breasts and smirked, kissing her way back up to Johanna's mouth.

Her mouth moved into a pout. "Well then I guess we'll just have to hope you can keep up, darling." Johanna scowled at this and pushed Cressida back roughly onto the bed, laying her body completely on top of her and capturing her lips in a searing, bruising kiss unlike any they had shared so far. One only had to know Johanna a few moments to know she was not one to be challenged. Her bra was quickly discarded on the floor and her breasts squeezed into Johanna's hands as she pushed them together, burying her face in Cressida's cleavage and smothering it in hot kisses.

"I haven't had any complaints," Johanna murmured into Cressida's pale skin, running her lips along the pliable surface of Cressida's stomach, kissing her ribs that poked out slightly as she arched her back into the contact.

Cressida chuckled. "Maybe she didn't know the difference." For her insolence Johanna moved upward and kissed her neck until she got to the junction of her shoulder and neck and bit down hard, causing Cressida to jerk on Johanna's hair roughly.

_The time to hesitate is through._

Johanna's eyes were alight with desire as she looked into Cressida's face, licking her swollen lips slowly. She dropped her head so their lips barely touched, keeping herself just out of the reach of Cressida's face trying to kiss her. "I can't fucking wait to make you come undone." Cressida breathed out an aroused breath as Johanna kissed her once more, distracting her from the fingers creeping up her inner thigh and underneath her skirt. The restrictive skirt made it nearly impossible for Cressida to widen her legs but Johanna seemed to enjoy it. She slowly slid two fingers inside her sex and Cressida threw her arms around Johanna's neck as her hips came up to meet Johanna's thrust. Johanna withdrew her fingers and brought them to her lips, bringing a whine out of Cressida's mouth. She sucked on her two fingers and winked down at her lover. "You're so wet and fuck, you taste so good." Johanna pulled Cressida's skirt down her hips.

"I thought the skirt was your kink?" Cressida asked playfully, leaning up to kiss Johanna once more and she rolled her eyes back at the taste of herself on the younger girl's tongue.

"Fuck it. I need to taste you." Johanna moved her knees backward to position herself better between Cressida's open thighs, marveling at the muscled thighs as she ran her hands toward her sex. She bit the inside of Cressida's thigh gently, receiving a hiss in response. Johanna coated her tongue in Cressida's arousal, groaning into her sex as her tongue moved within her. The blonde above her gasped and moved her hips in a rocking motion, gripping the pillow behind her head. Johanna pulled away from her and Cressida whined. "How do you... you taste incredible."

Cressida let out a breathy laugh and moved Johanna's head back to her and hummed in pleasure as Johanna's tongue once again ran along her folds and lapped up her arousal. "I don't eat meat," Cressida explained between deep intakes of breath. "And I.. eat a lot of fruit." Johanna grunted an appreciative remark into Cressida's sex, writing in cursive on her clit with her tongue.

She stretched her arms up, cupping Cressida's breasts and rolling her nipples between her fingers as her lips wrapped around her clit and sucked hard. More than anything, she wanted to hear Cressida curse. She wanted to hear the blonde lose control of her sophisticated mouth and swear out her name as she came. She pulled one hand down and pushed three fingers inside the older woman, finally receiving what she wanted to hear.

_No time to wallow in the mire._

"Holy fuck." Johanna kept her fingers moving quickly in and out of her lover, moving her head up her body, stopping to swipe sweat on to her tongue as she got close to Cressida's face. The blonde grabbed her by the shoulders and aggressively switched their positions, fucking herself on Johanna's hand with rapid thrusts of her hips.

Johanna smirked and grabbed Cressida by her long locks, pulling her in for a crushing kiss as she rolled them across the bed again, pinning Cressida beneath her. Cressida made a "nuh uh uh" noise and rolled them back, holding Johanna's free hand down and keeping her in place with a hand on her shoulder. Johanna's fingers curled against her g-spot and Cressida tossed her head back, orgasm crashing over her with a fierceness she had not experienced before.

She barely waited for Johanna to remove her hands before she grabbed her by her cheeks and pulled her up, kissing her deeply. Mischief in her eyes she rolled them over, positioning Johanna's hips just above her lips. Her fingers grabbed the firm flesh of Johanna's backside as she pulled her down, soaking up her wetness into her mouth.

_Try now we can only lose._

Johanna moaned loudly. arching her back as Cressida's tongue did things Johanna didn't know a tongue could do. She was everywhere at once, inside her, along her folds, around her clit. Drawing designs like she as a renaissance painter doing a royal commission. Her thighs began to tremble before she could even think, sweat beading on her forehead as she tried to prevent her climax. It was too soon. She didn't want the marvelous feeling of Cressida's tongue inside her to be gone.

To bide herself a moment she turned around, ignoring Cressida's "What are you doing?" from beneath her. She positioned herself back over her face, again being swathed in the wonderful movement of her tongue. Johanna dipped her own head down, running her tongue along the length of Cressida's sex and gently lapping at her clit. She felt Cressida's low moan rumble inside her and she again pushed down her climax, eager now to make Cressida come with her. Her fingernails bit into Cressida's thighs as she placed gentle pressure on the girl's clit with her tongue, soft pushes that seemed to be working from the amount of vibrations she felt from Cressida's groans in her.

_And our love become a funeral pyre._

Cressida did something, something magical with her tongue that sent Johanna's entire body shaking with climax. She swore and spat out her name into Cressida's folds, getting rewarded with a flood of her essence as Cressida's hips jerked in orgasm as well. Johanna grinned as she ran her tongue along Cressida's sopping wet sex, finally collapsing on her side and then rolling on to her back.

The blonde moaned as she got up off the bed, holding herself steady on the mattress. Her legs weren't exactly suitable for walking just yet. "I am... going to need a shower after that." Her eyes went to Johanna's prone form, then to the bed where sweat and sex had made dark patches on her sheets. "And new sheets, evidently."

"I'll join you," Johanna said, rolling off the bed and on to her feet. Cressida shot her a look from across the room and Johanna tilted her head. "What?"

"I think you joining me in the shower would create the exact problem I am trying to fix." Cressida padded to Johanna, wrapping her arms around the other girl's waist and kissing her on the forehead, tasting the salt of her sweat.

Johanna smirked. "Now who's having trouble keeping up,  _darling_?" Cressida frowned sourly and Johanna giggled. Her attention was caught over Cressida's shoulder, however. "You have a mirror in here."

Cressida looked over her shoulder and nodded. "Yes? And?" Johanna grinned wickedly and pushed the two of them backward until Cressida was on the mattress again. Johanna looked at her, then toward the mirror, then back at Cressida again. The woman's blue eyes moved to the mirror where she saw herself, and her naked lover, hovered over the bed. Her entire body blushed as Johanna slid her hands up her sides and her arms, pinning them above her head. "O-oh." Her cheek dimpled as she pulled Johanna in for a kiss, tasting herself and Johanna in a sweet mixture on her tongue. "I could move it closer?" The way Johanna's eyes lit up with both desire and eagerness made Cressida laugh and place a small kiss on her lips. "I'll move it closer."

_C'mon baby, light my fire._

* * *

Cressida's quote was Charlotte Bronte's "Parting."

Music: "Age of Consent," by New Order, "Colorblind" by Counting Crows, "Light My Fire" by the Doors.


	18. Chapter 18

_All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we knew._

Cressida awoke the next morning to an empty bed and an ache in her muscles that she had not felt in a long while. Her forearms, her inner thighs, even her calves ached in protest of being used in a manner they were not accustomed. She was alone physically, but the scratch of music coming from her front room made her smile and understand she was not actually alone.

She brushed her teeth and wrapped her robe around her body, exiting her bedroom and following the noise into the living room. Her record player was spinning slowly, crackling out the June Christy tune that was moving around in her home, filling it with sound. Johanna was curled on her couch in a pair of Cressida's exercise pants and a tank top she would have normally used for yoga. Her hair was pulled up messily into a ponytail, bits of her fringe hanging over her face and getting in her eyes. In her hands was one of the novels from Cressida's large, imposing book shelf. She tilted her head to get a glimpse at the title.

" _Delta of Venus_?" Cressida asked, running her fingers through her hair and tipping them over the side. "That's one of my favorites. Anais Nin has a passionate way with words, does she not?" The blonde straddled Johanna on the couch, taking the book from her and placing it beside them. The girl looked up at her wide wide brown eyes, nearly swallowing Cressida whole with her earnest glance.

_I knew I hadn't met my match, but every moment we could snatch._

"I love this book," Johanna said softly, wrapping her fingers around Cressida's neck. Their shared love of literature, music and antiquated things always seemed to push at Johanna's libido, igniting her passions in a way she had never felt before. It wasn't ...love. It felt different. Looking into Cressida's eyes that were as clear as Caribbean waters didn't make Johanna warm with the spread of love. She didn't crave her like she did Katniss. Instead it was something else, something more cerebral that somehow made its way to wetness between her legs. It felt almost like Nin had described in the book: literary aphrodisiacs. " _There is perfection in everything that cannot be owned_."

Cressida smirked at the quote and nodded her head, moving her lips down to Johanna's ear. " _I have seen your body and I know it so well, now I want to feel it, with my eyes closed, just to feel the skin and the softness of the flesh. Your legs are so firm and strong, but so soft to the touch. I love your feet with the toes free and set apart like the fingers of a hand, not cramped—and the toenails so beautifully lacquered—and the down on your legs."_ Cressida slipped her hand below the elastic waistband of Johanna's borrowed pants, cupping her sex which she was delighted to find already wet.  _"If my hand stays here between the legs, do you feel it? Do you like it? Do you want it nearer?"_

Johanna bit her lip in frustration as Cressida moved her fingers along the outside of her sex. Somewhere in her mind she knew the response to that quote, but all she could rasp out was a "Yes."

_I don't know why I got so attached._

Cressida smirked and tugged on Johanna's earlobe with her teeth as her tongue drew circles on it. " _I want to teach you something. Will you let me do it_?" Johanna nodded quickly. She knew what was happening, she knew this scene by heart. Cressida slowly entered her, three fingers filling her and stretching her but holding completely still inside her. She heard Cressida expel a breath into her ear and felt the woman's body shudder against her. Johanna contracted her muscles against Cressida's fingers, bringing her inside just a bit more. "Fuck."

Johanna lifted Cressida underneath her legs and placed her on the couch. She quickly discarded her borrowed top and bottoms, now straddling Cressida's thighs on the couch. Cressida pushed inside her once more and Johanna fell forward, catching herself on the back of the couch on either side of Cressida's shoulders. They moved together in perfect accord, almost mimicking the beat of the song playing from the old stereo. Cressida marveled at how Johanna's body moved. Her sexual instincts were as natural as the melodies that seemed to flow from her. The rolling of her hips against Cressida's hand, the vibrations of her muscles as she tensed and relaxed them with every thrust, all of it seemed to perfectly calculated and yet ...her head was dipped forward in abandon, her lips crashing against Cressida's every so often as she became overcome with a jolt of pleasure.

_It's my responsibility, you don't owe nothin' to me, but to walk away I have no capacity._

Cressida had never participated in making love for longer than it took to get both parties off. Johanna was insatiable and Cressida found herself rapidly addicted to the sensations - both aural and physical - of bringing the young girl to climax. Yes, the taboo realization that this girl was only hours away from having been her student and about ten years her junior was part of the allure. But there was more. There was more to it than just sexual satisfaction, it seemed to both incite and calm her very soul. The thought of it frightened her and had kept her up the night before as Johanna slept soundly beside her, curled against her back.

She knew that if she did not tread carefully she would find herself very much in love. Johanna's hands found her face as their lips crushed together once more as the girl groaned her orgasm into the kiss, thighs shaking against Cressida's, her arousal dripping down the sides of Cressida's hand and pooling on the edge of her robe.

A slightly damp forehead rested against Cressida's shoulder, Johanna's lips pressing a closed-mouth kiss against the side of her neck. Thankful she had gone with a terrycloth robe, Cressida wiped her hand on the fabric and slowly moved her hands along Johanna's skin. Last night's events began springing up in her mind again as she recalled the desperate love making they had done. Her hands had moved across this very skin just as reverently as they did now, gliding like ink on paper. Johanna's initial voraciousness had ebbed into slow, languid sex as the night wore on, that had suddenly taken on new meaning. Halfway through the night she was inside Johanna again, fingers tangled in that wild black hair, her eyes enveloped in the wide brown gaze that seemed to look directly through her. Johanna's entire body had trembled in orgasm beneath her, the spitting swear words that had colored the night were now gone, replaced by soft sighs and Cressida's name breathed out on airy breaths.

_We could've never had it all, we had to hit a wall. So this is inevitable withdrawal._

But that time, Cressida had seen it. As if the air itself was colored as Johanna's lips opened and she knew what the words were going to be. Cressida smothered them, sucking in the words and swallowing them down in a kiss. Whatever they were sharing, this torrid, interesting, intellectually and now physically stimulating love affair, did not need to be complicated by post-coital confessions of love. The endorphins pumping in Johanna's system, probably on overload, had given her eyes a glossy, dewy-eyed look to them. The 'I love you' was right there for Cressida to pluck, but as much as she wanted it, she couldn't accept it. It wasn't hers.

Johanna was only a few weeks shy of breaking from her first romance. She was about to embark on the rest of her life, truly independent from her hometown and her small amount of family and friends. An "I love you" would've been a root to try and plant last minute in hopes of not losing everything. They didn't love each other. Well, Johanna didn't love her. Cressida had been in love less than a handful of times and the way Johanna looked at her, it was not the same. But for her? Her emotions ran deeply for the young girl. What had begun as an interest, then affection, then attraction, had blossomed into something wholly inappropriate that she had tried to dash.

She would not allow this young girl to love her. This beautiful, wild, melodic girl with music in her veins and the world in her eyes, she was not hers. Perhaps she did belong to Katniss Everdeen. Perhaps she belonged to no one. But Cressida was certain, no matter how much it choked her heart, that she was not going to be the one to love her.

Of course, that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy the other fruits of human connection.

_So we are history, your shadow covers me, the sky above a blaze that lonely lovers see._

* * *

Johanna had essentially boarded herself in with Cressida for three days after graduation. It was a hedonistic trio of days and nights full of food and literature and sex. They never once left Cressida's home, instead they filled it with laughter, music, and the heady mixed scent of sex and sulfur from the candles. It felt cleansing to Johanna. As if Cressida's affection and attention had somehow scrubbed away the messiness of the last few months. Externally, of course. Deep within the confines of her heart, there still lay shards of her soul that Katniss had left in her wake. Johanna didn't want to put them together again. She wanted them to lay broken. She wanted the painful reminder of her loneliness as the shards poked in her heart when she heard a song Katniss liked or smelled her on her sheets.

Angst makes art and Johanna had not ever been as productive as she was in the weeks following their break-up and her weekend with Cressida. Music poured from every ounce of her being, leaving her both empty and remarkably fulfilled. She was in the midst of playing her fiddle when the door to her bedroom opened and Finnick walked in with a smile. "She lives," he said sarcastically, opening his arms wide. "I have been calling you for days. Where the hell did you go after graduation? Annie and I looked all over for you."

Johanna stood from her stool in the corner of her room, placing the fiddle down on the stand. With a poorly disguised grin on her face she moved over toward her bed. "I was ...a little preoccupied."

Finnick's green eyes took on an intensity Johanna had rarely seen from him unless he was performing. "Was it Cashmere?" Johanna looked up, startled like a deer on the highway. "I saw her at graduation. I almost fucking lost it but Annie told me to keep my cool. Then she sort of left in a rush after she talked to -" Finnick cut himself off as his eyes widened in a slow realization. "Oh my fucking holy balls Johanna Mason you slept with our teacher!"

Johanna looked at every bauble in her room in an effort to avoiding meeting Finnick's gaze. He literally jumped on her bed on all fours, his knees and hands hitting the mattress and causing a loud creak to resonate in the room. "I can neither confirm nor deny that accusation."

Finnick shoved Johanna and flopped onto his side on her bed. "I cannot believe you. I knew you were flirting with her but wow. Is that what you've been doing all weekend? Getting some  _extra credit_?" He wiggled his eyebrows at Johanna and she smacked him in the face with her pillow, then returned it to the top of her bed. "While I am duly impressed I am really here to bring you news. News that no one else knows and I'd like it to stay that way."

Johanna tucked her legs beneath her and raised an eyebrow toward her friend. "You know you can trust me."

Finnick sucked in a deep breath and aimed his gaze at Johanna. "Annie is pregnant." Johanna felt her jaw fall open, unable to hide her surprise at Finnick's statement. Annie is pregnant. Johanna remembered them saying something about possibly moving after graduation toward the coast, as Finnick wanted to join the Navy and sail. Annie was content to go wherever he went, working on her art and, eventually, toward a teaching degree. "We're going to get married in two weeks, then I'm enlisting and going to Illinois to begin training."

Suddenly Johanna felt her life was in one of those futuristic elevators, propelling her upward at a surprising pace that her stomach would flip. They were getting married. Finnick was going into the Navy. Annie was pregnant. "Wow, Finnick. This is ...a lot." Distance, the mere thought of it, sent Johanna's mind buzzing. She would be in New York. Finnick in Chicago. Katniss in California. Cressida and her mother in Panem. All of the people she loved moving away like veins, crawling across the country but still, hopefully, connected.

"We're not having a big ceremony. We're not even telling anyone. Just you. And Katniss, if you aren't opposed to her being there. Annie's grown fond of her." Johanna licked her lips, swallowing down some saliva. Katniss. At a wedding. In a dress.

"No, not at all. I'd love to come." It was true, of course. As long as she had known Finnick, he'd loved Annie. While a baby and marriage at eighteen may seem quick, they hadn't been apart in years. It was almost like they were born already with their lives connected. "I'll make sure Katniss is there too."

Finnick placed his hand on Johanna's thigh, squeezing it gently. All their years of friendship and support were at least going to pay off for Finnick. Getting away from his abusive mother, providing and supporting Annie, and doing what he had always dreamed of doing since they were little: sailing. All of them were chasing their dreams and by that estimation, they should be happy. But Johanna was quickly realizing how much of her happiness actually rested not in between notes on a page, but within the hearts of her friends.

* * *

_I could use another cigarette. But don't worry, daddy, I'm not addicted yet._

Katniss began seeing the world in drab grays again. After her father died she felt like the world had become devoid of color, muted and shuttered from the vibrancy of life. Slowly it had creeped back in, but after being with Johanna, the world had exploded with color and music. Every petal, every raindrop, every note on a piano, every rumble of a car engine made her think of her girlfriend, overwhelming and wonderful.

Her  _ex_ -girlfriend. That  _she_  had broken up with. Johanna had been so uncharacteristically calm about it, Katniss wasn't sure what to think. Had they not really been as in love as she thought? In the days and weeks following she didn't hear from Johanna at all. She had to practically bribe Finnick to tell her if Johanna was okay. Walking the hallways she looked like a zombie, avoiding gazes with her eyes cast downward. At graduation Katniss had barely seen her. Johanna was everywhere but also nowhere. She was a ghost ever present on the periphery of her vision, evanescing when Katniss found her.

_One too many drinks tonight and I miss you like you were mine._

She had even gone down to Bogie's and spoken with the owner, but he had said Johanna had effectively told him she wasn't going to perform any longer. The band moved on without her. They would've had to eventually, he had reasoned, as Johanna's ambition and talent were too big for the club anyway. Going to her house was an impossibility. Katniss knew her mother would never forgive her for breaking her little girl's heart. Katniss didn't forgive herself.

Her mother had tried to reason with her as she sobbed into her pillowcase, her entire body missing the warmth of Johanna's hands and eyes. Her heart felt like it was disconnected from the rest of her body, withering inside her chest. Her mother soothed her with kind words, encouraging words, reminding her of the unpredictability of the future and the pride her dead father would feel if he weren't dead. Maybe they'd be together again. Maybe she'd find someone new. Maybe maybe maybe.

Katniss had broken up with Johanna over a lifetime of maybes when the only sure thing in her entire world was Johanna herself. The only thing that seemed to make sense was that this disconnect from Johanna had made her realize how utterly dependent she had become. Every time she wore something, watched something, ate something, she was reaching for her phone impulsively to ask Johanna what she thought. When had she lost her ability to reason? She was able to circumvent that impulse after a few weeks, becoming a little more herself. The loneliness though. That stayed. It persisted.

_All your stormy words have barely broken._

After no contact for weeks, Johanna showed up at her door one afternoon, backlit by the setting sun and looking just as devastating as she always did. The effortless way she was put together made Katniss's heart jump in her chest like the first time she saw her. Standing in the doorway she didn't know what to say.

"Hey."

"Hey."

What do you say to the person that at one time held your entire life in their hands? Does that knowledge slip through your fingers like sand? Do you try and hold on to some of that person's future, some of their past? Or do you smack your hands together and rid yourself of it all? Katniss knew, looking into Johanna's eyes again, that she would never be able to rid herself of Johanna.

"Finnick and Annie are getting married next week at the chapel outside of town. They would like you to come, if you want."

Katniss shook her head in surprise. "Wait. They're getting married?"

Johanna's lips twitched in a small smile. "Yeah brainless." Katniss blinked slowly at the familiar nickname. "Annie is pregnant. Which is intel you are not to repeat to anyone." Katniss's eyes blinked more rapidly as she processed that information. "Yeah I know, I was surprised too. They're going to move to Chicago where Finnick is gonna enlist in the Navy. But they want to get married first. Get everything in order so Annie is taken care of while he does the eight weeks."

_You sound like thunder though you've barely spoken._

"I-I'd love to go. Are you going?" Katniss's mind flashed back to the day Johanna had asked her to the party. The party where they had almost slept together. The party where Johanna had fucked Cashmere, Katniss remembered darkly. How nervous she had been about making a good impression. How amazing it had felt to feel Johanna's body move with hers.

Johanna grinned. "Of course I'm going. Someone's gotta be the best man and the maid of honor and the witness." Suddenly Prim shot out from behind Katniss, nearly tackling Johanna in a hug.

"Jo! Katniss said we weren't gonna see you anymore but I said, 'No, Jo is gonna come back and say hi again.' And here you are!" Prim gushed to the older girl, still wrapping her tiny arms around Johanna's waist. Katniss saw the guilt and devastation in Johanna's eyes as clearly as the sun behind her. She had tried to explain to Prim what had happened, but Prim was insistent that Johanna would never "abandon them." "I missed you Jo."

_Oh it looks like rain tonight and thank God. 'Cos a clear sky just wouldn't feel right._

Johanna rubbed Prim's golden locks affectionately. "I missed you too kid."

Katniss looked at Johanna, knowing fully well how apparent the desperation in her eyes was. "Do you want to come in?"

Johanna removed her hands from Prim and shoved them in her pockets. "Is your mother home?" Katniss nodded and Johanna's impossibly dark eyes darkened even further. "Then I think I'll stay out here. I don't think anything good will come from that."

"Hey Little Duck can you go inside for a second so I can talk to Johanna alone?"

Primrose looked up at Johanna, giving her another tight hug. "Please come say bye before you go to New York." Johanna nodded solemnly and Primrose trotted off back inside the house. Katniss stepped outside, closing the door behind her.

"I am so sorry, Jo. I'm sorry about everything. I never should've..."

_He's taken and leaving but I keep believing he's gonna come 'round soon._

"Can we not?" Johanna interrupted with a raised hand. "Can we make this clean? You should know better than anyone, you've spent enough time in the woods. You kill an animal with a shot to the eye. You don't beat them to a bloody pulp and then saw their necks off with a butter knife."

Katniss dropped her eyes to the ground, looking down at her feet. "I'm sorry. Not just..." Katniss sucked in a deep breath. "Forget it. I'd love to go to the wedding."

Johanna swallowed and ran her fingers through her hair. "Would you like to come with me?"

"As your date?"

Johanna rolled her eyes. "As my friend. As Annie's friend."

Katniss crossed her arms. "I thought you said we couldn't be friends."

"We can't. But I think we can be for one night."

"And the next day?"

Johanna backed off of the porch and sighed. "I'll still be in love with you and we still won't be together."

_You may be my final match. 'Cos I chase everything when you play throw and I play catch._

* * *

_When I look into your eyes is like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise. Well there's so much that they hold._

Katniss was both thrilled and heartbroken to hear the familiar grumble of Johanna's car outside her home. As their relationship progressed Johanna would leave the car running and come inside without knocking, making light conversation with Prim and her mother. Katniss would come downstairs and, without fail, Johanna would lift her from the second to last step and bring her into a hug and set her on the ground. Prim would sometimes squeal for the same treatment so Johanna would do the same to her. She even once did it to her mother.

But this time as Katniss descended the stairs in what she thought was a somewhat formal dress, there was no one to greet her at the base of the steps. She grabbed her purse from the bottom of the staircase and as she stood up, her mother met her in the doorway. "Katniss, are you going on a date with Johanna?"

Katniss leveled her eyes at her mother, narrowing her gaze. "We are going to an event. As friends." Katniss didn't wait for a retort from her mother. Instead she just walked out the door without saying goodbye, surprised to see Johanna standing outside the car. Her heart warmed as she realized Johanna was opening the passenger's side door for her. Johanna wore a tight fitting pinstripe pair of navy blue slacks with a white blouse tucked in. The straps of suspenders peeked from the edge of her matching blue blazer. She looked incredible. "Thank you."

_And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?_

Johanna didn't say anything in response. She got into the driver's seat and shifted gears, taking off down the street without a word. Soft music played from her old radio, her eyes staring straight out through the windshield. Katniss inhaled the smell of the car deeply into her nose. The pine car freshener, the worn leather, the small kickback of the engine through the vents, it all served as blatant reminders of all she was missing in her life.

"You look beautiful." Katniss looked up at the compliment, Johanna's gaze still staring straight ahead. She saw Johanna peek at her from the corner of her eyes and then return her attention to the road. She sounded almost annoyed which made Katniss grin.

"You're looking quite dashing yourself," Katniss replied. "The suspenders are a nice touch." In truth, Johanna had gotten dressed at Cressida's. The suspenders were hers and they were a nice touch. They had spent about thirty minutes on the floor because as soon as she had gotten dressed, Cressida had practically torn her clothes off.

She didn't know how to define what she and Cressida had. Certainly more than a friendship. She had gone over there, distraught about having to spend the night with Katniss, looking for advice. Cressida had been calm and patient, explaining that maybe it would do them some good to get to know each other as friends. Perhaps that would help heal their hearts. In her attempt to be helpful she had let Johanna borrow some clothes, but seeing Johanna totally put together had turned her on and the fashion show had turned into sex.

Certainly more than a friendship. But less than a relationship. Somewhere comfortably in between.

Johanna cut the engine outside the chapel where Finnick was waiting in a striking suit that looked just a little bit too big for him. Annie wore a lovely white dress that pooled around her feet, a small headband of white roses in her hair. Johanna and Katniss approached slowly, opening their arms for their friends. They made their way into the small chapel that had a few people sitting in it which the foursome found very strange.

_Well I won't give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I'm givin' you all my love. I'm still lookin' up._

The priest made quick work of the ceremony as Katniss and Johanna watched from opposite sides of the newlyweds. Their love, so potent and so pure, seemed to fill the room filled oddly with strangers. A woman toward the back even began to weep. Johanna herself had to stare down at the worn off-white carpet at their feet to try and prevent herself from crying. She wanted this happiness for them. She wanted it for herself. It was so overwhelming she wished it for everyone. If everyone in the world had a piece of the love these two shared, there would be no war. There'd be no time for it because you'd be too busy getting lost in your partner's eyes.

* * *

"Finnick. This is not okay." Johanna held Katniss's hand as she helped her into the boat, steadying her as it rocked beneath their weight. Finnick had somehow procured a small boat for after the wedding that Johanna was one hundred percent certain he had stolen. She jumped in after them, rocking the boat harder and causing Katniss to glare at her. "What's wrong? Not got your sea legs?"

Katniss shoved Johanna playfully and shook her head. "I've got fine legs -"

"You can say that again."

Katniss blushed and continued. "I just haven't been on a boat in a while." Her nervous gaze went to Finnick who was giving Annie his jacket coat in preparation for the cool breeze that would inevitably come when he started sailing. "Are you sure you can drive this thing?"

Finnick popped the cork on a bottle of champagne and nodded his head profusely. "Yes ma'am. You're looking at the best sailor to never have sailed any of the seven seas. The happiest man alive and the most fortunate person in the world to call you all my friends." He grabbed a few glasses from within the cabin of the boat and hopped back out, handing them to Katniss and Johanna. "Unfortunately none for my lady and very little for me, seeing as how I'm driving. But you two ladies enjoy, please."

Johanna watched Finnick fill their glasses and she raised her glass. "A toast?" Finnick nodded and sat next to Annie, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "It is customary for the best man to make a toast, so I will. I guess first I have to say how lucky I am to have you all in my life as well. Finnick and I have been best friends since before time began. He has been the most persistent, annoying, amazing, stupid person I've ever met and what he lacks in tact he makes up for in pure love. I am privileged to see the union of these two people here, because never in the history of time have two people ever loved each other more. The fact that you are bringing life in this world gives me hope for the future. Hope that the future can be good and positive.

"So I'll close this cheesy shit with a poem. A song, really. But a poem." Johanna cleared her throat and spoke the words of the song in syncopation. " _I'll be your mirror, reflect what you are, in case you don't know. I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset, the light on your door to show that you're home. When you think the night has seen your mind. That inside you're twisted and unkind. Let me stand to show that you are blind. Please put down your hands 'cause I see you. I find it hard to believe you don't know the beauty that you are. But if you don't let me be your eyes, a hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid. When you think the night has seen your mind, that inside you're twisted and unkind. Let me stand to show that you are blind. Please put down your hands. 'Cause I see you._ "

Annie rushed forth and hugged Johanna around her middle, surprising the taller girl with her embrace. Bright, wet green eyes stared up at her, a delirious smile on her face. "Thank you, Jo."

* * *

The rest of the night went smoothly with Finnick and Annie at the helm of the small boat, Katniss and Johanna curled in the back. In spite of their relationship status it didn't take long for Johanna's blazer to go around Katniss's cold arms and for Katniss to be curled into Johanna's side, her fingers lazily tracing Johanna's suspenders. Johanna felt natural with Katniss at her side, like the way the moonlight touched the top of the water and spilled its white light over the surface. She belonged there.

"I've missed you so much." Johanna shivered as the breath of Katniss's confession hit her neck. "I've missed everything."

_And when you're needing your space to do some navigating. I'll still be here patiently waiting to see what you find._

Johanna kissed the side of Katniss's head, pulling her closer. "You were right, though. We... we need to find ourselves. Finnick and Annie moving made me realize how much I needed all of you. You make up the majority of who I am but I should be myself too, you know? The distance maybe... maybe it'll be defining."

"You think we made the right decision in breaking up?" Katniss asked softly as Finnick turned off the boat, tossing down the anchor to keep them in place. They were now in the center of the lake, surrounded by water, sky, trees and moonlight. He and Annie cozied up on the bow as Katniss and Johanna stayed toward the back. The gentle shifting of the boat set Johanna at ease. No wonder Finnick liked the sea so much.

"I don't know that  _we_ made that decision, unless by  _we_  you mean you and your mother."

Katniss felt Johanna stiffen and she placed her hand on the side of Johanna's face, forcing her to look into Katniss's eyes. "Please. My mother... she's only trying to look out for me. My father's big dream for me was to go to college. Specifically Stanford. I was...I am madly in love with you and in one second, if you asked, I'd trade those dreams to be with you." Johanna swallowed the lump in her throat, but it came right back up again. "But down the line, I'd regret not having chased the one dream he wanted."

"That's all he wanted for you? A piece of paper with 'Stanford' written on it?" Johanna shook her head, looking out at the clear lake. "I don't believe that. I don't know much about your father, but from what I've seen of you and Primrose, I'd think he'd want you to be happy. More than anything, he'd want you to be loved. And I don't really care how possessive or controlling this sounds but Katniss, I don't think anyone will love you more than I do. If they did, they'd surely go insane."

_'Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the Earth._

"I just want him to be proud of me." Johanna continued lazily stroking Katniss's hair with her free hand, combing through the brunette strands. "I don't know if he'd want me to choose logic or passion. He was always a masterful combination of both."

"So are you." Johanna inhaled a deep, briny breath to try and calm her nerves. This is of what she had been afraid. Afraid of getting too close to Katniss again and falling back into her. "But if that's what you want to do, then I want you to do it. I want you to live your life and be proud of yourself. I just don't want you to let your mother dictate you."

"She's not. She's just...this is the last thing my dad wanted. I mean, he wanted Prim to go to college but mostly, he wanted to see us follow our dreams."

Johanna smiled sadly, placing another gentle kiss into Katniss's hair. "Then follow them. I just hope that maybe they lead you back to me."

"Me too." Katniss wrapped her arms around Johanna and squeezed her close, wanting to imprint the feel of her body. She hadn't expected Johanna to let her in this close and she would not waste the opportunity to hold her again. "Are you going to come say goodbye to me when I leave?"

"No, I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to leave us...like this. This is nice. If we're never together again then having you like this, just for tonight, this is enough."

_We've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it. No, I won't give up._

* * *

Finnick and Annie left shortly after the wedding, with Katniss not far behind almost two weeks later. For the final month she was in Panem Johanna went between helping her mother in the shop and sleeping at Cressida's to ward off the impending loneliness. She had begun to realize the connection she felt to Cressida was in direct correlation to her loneliness. She figured Cressida was lonely too. Sometimes they wouldn't even have sex, they'd just curl in the bed and Cressida would read. She enjoyed her nearness, her voice, her presence.

Leaving her was draining. She had told her mother she was leaving the day before, as to not have to do two emotional goodbyes in one day. It was hard enough to hold her mother, knowing this would be the longest stretch of time before she'd see her again. They had never been apart so long. But her mother had reassured her everything would be fine, that she would always have a home to come back to.

She left her car on as she approached Cressida's door, but the blonde came out before she could knock on the door. While Cressida had been anticipating Johanna's departure, seeing her with a car stuffed with boxes and her eyes on the ground, the gravity of the moment seemed to pull her down. Over the summer she had been determined not to fall for Johanna. It was difficult, seeing her almost every day and sharing books and music and skin, not to fall in love with her a little.

"Good luck Mason," Cressida said, pulling the girl into a tight hug. In the year they had known each other she had watched Johanna move from a broken girl to a much more mature adult. She had gotten passed her rape, overcome her break-up and was now a woman Cressida very much admired. And very much loved. "I got you this. Or, well, I'm giving you this."

She handed her a worn book with gold lettering. Johanna peered at the title and smiled. Yeats. She knew Yeats was one of Cressida's favorite poets, if not her favorite. "Is this your copy?"

Cressida nodded, running her fingers through her hair. "Yes. But no worries, I've got every word of that book memorized. I earmarked a bunch of poems I think you'll like. I've always found his traditional form as expressive as ever. I think his straight-forwardness will appeal to you. His poems are imaginative but muscular. He was a dreamer but a realist. Sort of like you."

Johanna wrapped Cressida in another hug, unable to stop the tears from coming from her eyes. Never in a million years would she think she'd be an emotional wreck on the yard in front of her teacher's home. The home she had spent many days and nights in, filling her mind and body. She kissed her, not releasing her from the tight hug as she moved her lips in the bruising kiss. She pulled away, running her thumb along Cressida's swollen bottom lip.

"I am going to miss you so fucking much."

Cressida chuckled, wiping away her own tears that had escaped her eyes. "I'm going to miss that foul mouth of yours." Johanna smirked and Cressida tilted her head. "Yes, you dirty pervert, in more ways than one." She held firm to Johanna's shoulders. "Fear not though. I submitted our screenplay to a contact I have in Los Angeles. If all goes well and someone picks it up, well, we will see each other very frequently."

"You really think so?"

"I think any studio would be stupid to not pick it up. Your songs are brilliant. My words are brilliant. We shall see." Unable to stop herself she pulled Johanna in for another deep kiss, her eyes remaining closed as they parted. "When you're on the road and you make your first stop, go to the first poem I have earmarked and read it, okay? I think it will... express my feelings in a way, regretfully, I cannot." Cressida smiled, her cheek dimpling in the way Johanna always adored. "I'll see you soon, darling."

* * *

Johanna did make one stop. She had to refuel her car about halfway to New York and while the gas pumped into the engine, she sat on the hood of her car and opened the worn pages of the book. She knew how much Cressida adored her books so to give her one felt like a great honor. She did as she was bid and opened to the first earmarked page of the book.

_"That crazed girl improvising her music._   
_Her poetry, dancing upon the shore,_

_Her soul in division from itself_   
_Climbing, falling She knew not where,_   
_Hiding amid the cargo of a steamship,_   
_Her knee-cap broken, that girl I declare_   
_A beautiful lofty thing, or a thing_   
_Heroically lost, heroically found._

_No matter what disaster occurred_   
_She stood in desperate music wound,_   
_Wound, wound, and she made in her triumph_   
_Where the bales and the baskets lay_   
_No common intelligible sound_   
_But sang, 'O sea-starved, hungry sea'."_

* * *

Music: "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse, "Come 'Round Soon" by Sara Bareilles, "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. The Anais Nin excerpt was from Delta of Venus, the poem was Yeats.


	19. Chapter 19

Katniss could hardly believe how ridiculously slow the first year of college had gone. In July she had arrived in California with her Aunt Maysilee, broken-hearted and lonely and stifling in the heat. In late August she moved into her dorm with her roommate Madge Undersee, a well-meaning but sort of simple blonde girl with pale blue eyes. They had little in common other than they both had a strong distaste for the social aspects of college life. Most nights they each stayed in and studied or read books. Madge skyped her parents every other weekend and Katniss used that time to go for long walks around the campus. Stanford was beautiful. There was no nook or cranny of the campus that wasn't attended to. Rolling campus greens, trimmed woods, clean glass and brick buildings; everything very cut and dry.

Summer begrudgingly made way for autumn which quickly turned to winter but it was hard to tell in California. The air was slightly colder but there was no snow, no indication that the new year was just around the corner. Katniss was relieved when she had gone home and landed in the airport that was covered in a freshly fallen blanket of the white stuff. Home was comforting; the smell of her mother cooking her favorite meals, Prim - who looked like she had grown six feet - recounting the tales of her first half year in high school, the sound of her father's own piano being played quite well. But the piano echoed Johanna everywhere.

The void in her heart that she had constructed when she broke up with Johanna was never filled. The girls and guys who tried to flirt in her classes all seemed to fall short. No one was as beautiful, as kind, as enrapturing, as talented. No one's smile made her heart pool with warmth. No one's voice made her stomach clench with desire. It was like ships passing in the night; Katniss only wanted to be back on Johanna's shores.

Johanna hadn't even so much as texted her since she left for school. She knew, through Annie, that Johanna had arrived in New York safely and that she was already neck-deep in music. She had evidently met her roommate on her trip in and they had struck up quite a friendship. While Finnick was away Annie had gone to visit Johanna in New York and had told Katniss all about it. How happy Johanna looked, how surrounded by like-minded people she was. Most importantly, though, she said that Johanna didn't seem to take any interest in the  _many_ men and women who gave her attention.

In a quiet voice Annie had said the words that had made the small void inside Katniss fill only slightly. " _She's happy, Katniss, but she misses you_."

Those words had propelled Katniss forward into the latter half of her semester, getting her through the rigors of the end of winter and the slow melt of spring. Come that summer she was thrilled to be back home full time, spending her days with her sister and her nights with Gale. Unfortunately Johanna hadn't come home. Her mother had gone to New York for a month to be with her because Johanna had put together a group of four kids to split an apartment over the summer so they could continue their studies.

And, Katniss learned upon arriving at Stanford for her second year, Johanna had begun fronting another band. Madge was not a social butterfly but she was voracious reader. Books piled on her desk and magazines strewn everywhere were the hallmarks she had been in the room. In the few conversations they had, Katniss had talked about Johanna, about home, about her music. Madge was particularly interested in jazz and was well-informed in the upper echelon of jazz circles. It would have been nerdy and off-putting if it had not so painfully reminded Katniss of Johanna.

One afternoon following a dreadful Calculus course Madge had grabbed Katniss excitedly on her way into the room. She held out a magazine for Katniss to read; the title was some kind of musical pun that made Katniss roll her eyes. But as her gaze moved downward she nearly choked on what she saw. Johanna. Clad in a pair of black slacks, high heels that looked like they could slit a throat, a white blouse and a pair of suspenders - oh how Katniss  _missed_  those suspenders - she sat astride a piano bench, smirking at the photographer. On top of the piano was an extremely good-looking African-American girl in a sparkly dress, and flanked on Johanna's right was a nerdy boy in glasses with a saxophone. The title read:  _The Future of Jazz_.

"It's all about your girlfriend," Madge exclaimed, ripping the magazine from Katniss's paralyzed grip. She quickly mashed through the pages until she found the spread about Johanna and handed it back to her. "Your ex, whatever. She's got this huge cult following in New York now. This band,  _her_  band, they're this brilliant jazz-fusion band. But like, they've got fans of all types. Come here."

Madge brought Katniss over toward her computer, and after a very quick Google search, brought up the website for Johanna's band. "This isn't even their official site. They don't even have one. This is a fan-run site. It's amazing. They have active forums, live streams of concerts, merchandise." Katniss's jaw was slacked and Madge looked up at her. "I can't believe you didn't know this."

"How could I? She doesn't speak to me anymore." Katniss left Madge's side and went to her bed, sitting cross-legged on the mattress as she began to read the article. It was true Johanna hadn't spoken to her in over a year, but Katniss had made no attempt to contact her either. If space was what they needed then space they would have.

It was the space that was going to kill her.

Leisurely she read the article, smiling a few bits of Johanna's interview that was just, oh so Johanna. A snarky reply to a somewhat innocuous comment, a downright rebuttal of the interviewer's misogynistic take on women in jazz, and a soft strain of sadness when they asked about some of the songs she had written.

_"There is a commonality amongst the songs you've written that, even those without lyrics, paint quite a pained picture. Can you tell us a little bit about that?"_

_Johanna seems off-put by my question, raising an eyebrow at me. "Tell you about my pain?" she asks, amused. Her thumb curls underneath one of her now trademark suspenders as she crosses her legs. Everything about Johanna exudes a soul as old as time. Out of her mouth falls quotes from the classic authors of Hemingway, out of her voice comes a sound that harkens to Billie Holiday and smoke-filled jazz clubs. So her next sentence is no surprise. "All great artists carry pain. Every story worth reading has a plot twist," she says with a wry smile. "Everyone has a bit of brokenness inside them."_

_She takes a small, hand-rolled cigar from a tin next to her chair and makes a gesture towards me that is meant to ask permission. I tell her I don't mind if she smokes and she lights a match (she explains she enjoys the sulfur smell that one cannot get with a lighter) and ignites the cigar. The sweet aroma of vanilla fills the room as her wide brown eyes watch the smoke dissipate into the air._

Katniss read through the rest of the article slowly, trying to drink in every word. This man, this journalist, he had gotten to spend three uninterrupted days with Johanna. He described her sitting at her piano in her "unusual" attire of a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, he got to see her face as she composed, he got to hear her voice. Katniss began to hate the stupid journalist.

Until the last part of the interview.

_She plays me an instrumental piece that she begins to sing some lyrics to that she improvises. They're melancholic and full of longing and it looks painful from where I'm sitting across from her. When she finishes she stares at the piano in a way I've seen her do on stage - as if she's imagining herself still playing somewhere else._

_"There is someone." She says the words so softly, so unlike how she has been speaking since I arrived that I strain to hear her. "She broke my heart." Before I can ask her to elaborate she presses her fingers on the ivories, a dissonant chord. "It wasn't a mistake, though. I spent a while thinking maybe it was a mistake. But the mistake wasn't letting her break my heart." There is a long bout of silence before she speaks again. "The mistake was letting her keep it after she'd broken it."_

_There's another long silence, another legato string of piano keys. She doesn't look up from the keys as she takes a cigar from the top of the piano and lights it with a match. She smoke fills the air as she places one hand on the piano cover, almost to steady herself and the other hand to her lips. "I'll never love anyone else." Her eyes finally meet mine and she gives me a smirk that doesn't reach her gaze. "That's where my pain comes from."_

* * *

_When we were living together I thought that I knew you would stay._

Johanna couldn't believe how ridiculously fast the first year of school had gone. With a blur of notes and long nights and writer's block and inspiration it seemed that her freshman year and come and gone. Jasmine had put her in touch with some people and within a few months they had struck up a band. It was a fun project at first, but it rapidly began to consume her life. It was so breathtakingly cathartic to have an outlet for her pain. Not just because of Katniss, but because of Cashmere, of leaving her mother, of being unable to love Cressida...

Love can inflict the most peculiarly keen kind of pain. There's the ache of unrequited love, the twisting steel rod of lost love, the painful temptation of forbidden love, the stinging sensation of star-crossed love. Nothing prepares you for the coring pain of not being able to love someone who loves you. Looking into the eyes of someone truly wonderful, someone so perfect for you it's close to believing in God - that you were put on the planet at the same time, in the same era, in the same geographical location - and then knowing your heart will never be able to love them.

She knew Cressida was in love with her. She knew it the night she stood up to Cashmere, the way Cressida had looked in her eyes and she knew, unmistakably, that she wanted her. Johanna wanted her too, and she almost loved her. She got so very close to that feeling but there was something missing.

 _Katniss_.

Katniss who hadn't called or texted or e-mailed. Nothing. Silence. It allowed Johanna to funnel in on her work but it left such a gaping bullet wound in her chest that she felt everyone could see it. The band became more popular, the fans more eager, the music deeper, and the lonely nights filled with drinking and cigars. She hadn't slept with anyone since the last time she saw Cressida; it never felt worth it. All these girls with their soft, persistent bodies begging to be her "muse" but she found no room in her heart for them. No desire in her fingertips.

_Still when you left me I tried to pretend we could make it some way._

She reabsorbed herself into music. She listened to everything that came her way - Indian microtonal music, Christian rock bands, hardcore death metal, honky-tonk country, avant garde contemporary classical. Anything and everything. Music swam in her veins. She ate it, slept on it, breathed it until she nearly choked on it.

The band blew up without her really thinking about it. They had an image - she with her suspenders, Donald with his huge nerd glasses, and Cleo with her giant afro. They were a team. They were the only people that Johanna relied on other than her roommate Jasmine, and her mother and Cressida by phone, to keep her grounded and give her feedback. However, suddenly they were selling out shows and Johanna was contemplating quitting school.

_I don't care if all the mountains turn to dust in the air._

Music made her happy in a way most things could not. The only part that made playing her music in public so unbearable was that it bared her soul. Every night she'd have to pour forth her lyrics or her music and hear people sing it but they didn't understand. They'd never understand how rubbed raw her heart was.

But it wasn't all torture and agony. There was something uplifting about singing into a crowd and hearing them sing back. Something that she connected with deeply in seeing how delighted people were at her words, at her music. They wept at her piano solos, shouted her lyrics, touched her hand as she sat on the edge of the stage and sang to them. If she could fill her heart with their love maybe she wouldn't be so goddamn lonely.

_It isn't fair that I should wake up at dawn and not find you there. What did you do to my life?_

* * *

_It's been a long time since I came around._

Los Angeles was nothing like New York. The city was bright, yes, and glimmered like obsidian as they rolled in their van toward the club they were playing. But it didn't have the soul. They unloaded their equipment and set up their stage, running through a quick soundcheck before Johanna buried herself in the bar. She wasn't old enough to drink but she was intimidating enough to get the bartender to serve her anyway. Nobody liked to piss off the bands that packed the house. So Johanna drank to forget her loneliness, to prepare herself for another performance, to get herself through another night.

The audience received them well. It was filled from top to bottom with men and women of all ages enjoying their music and shouting their names. Johanna had taken her microphone into the audience and sang to them there, letting them grope at her and touch her hair and shout in her ear. It wasn't conducive to the performance but they might only get one shot to be that close and Johanna didn't mind.

_Been a long time but I'm back in town._

They came back on for an encore then retreated to the dressing room. Don and Cleo decided to make an early night of it and get a taxi back to the hotel but Johanna sat in the room, staring at the ceiling from the couch they had provided. It wasn't unlike her dressing room at Bogie's, but it wasn't hers. She didn't feel at home there. She didn't really feel at home anywhere anymore.

Someone knocked at the door and before Johanna could even open her mouth to tell them to fuck off a woman appeared in the doorway, closing the door silently behind her. Johanna nearly fell off the couch as her eyes traveled up the length of her body. A pair of floppy black boots, tanned legs, a ruffled black skirt, a navy blue blouse, and... Katniss.

_This time I'm not leaving without you._

There was a nervous smile on her face that Johanna immediately felt deep within her heart. "Oh gee whiz, Johanna Mason. I'm just your biggest fan." Katniss stepped inside the room and looked around at the dressing room. It was nicely decorated and clean; bottles of water in neat little rows on the boudoir's table next to some candy. Junior Mints, one of Johanna's favorites. "This is a different world than your room at Bogie's."

"It's a different life," Johanna replied, finally meeting Katniss's gaze. Katniss sat on the end of the table and faced Johanna. She looked older to Katniss, but her eyes... She felt the same inevitability she had the moment they met in the humid store back in Panem. How tragically easy it is to snap back to that affection. "What are you doing here?"

_You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh._

Katniss snorted quietly. "I can't drive six hours, take a weekend off school, and get a ticket to the hottest show in town?" Johanna shot her a droll look from across the room. She stood from the sofa and crossed toward her. Katniss felt her breath catch inside her chest as Johanna drew closer. Her smell, that amazing combination of pine and leather, filled her nostrils and threatened to fill her eyes. Johanna reached and for a moment, Katniss thought she was going to be touched, but Johanna reached behind her and picked up a cigar. "When did you start smoking cigars?"

Johanna chuckled as she struck a match and lit the end of the cigar, watching the fire bounce around in Katniss's eyes. She was completely breathtaking, still, making Johanna's heart thump at a speed she didn't expect. "I stopped feeding one addiction and started feeding another."

"What addiction was that?" Katniss looked at Johanna through the haze of sweet-smelling smoke.

_I'd give anything to be your baby doll._

Johanna felt like she was swimming in a dream. Seeing Katniss now, after nearly two years of her absence, made her stomach stirring and her heart spasm. Everything felt like it was thick, to thick to move. "What are you doing here?" Johanna asked again, more tiredly.

"You always hated this part." Johanna raised an eyebrow as she filled her mouth with the smoke and blew it directly in the air upward to keep it out of Katniss's face. They were close enough that she could've put her hand on her cheek if she wanted. Stroke that tanned, soft skin she loved to touch. "After the show. The mingling. You know there are still people waiting outside for you."

"Well they're waiting for Godot because I'm not going out there. I'm going back to the hotel, then I'm going home."

"Home," Katniss repeated. "New York?"

Johanna tilted her head. She could detect Katniss's tone from a mile away and from a mere foot it was clear as day. "It's as home as I can get these days."  _Because my home is only with you_. Johanna hoped her emotions weren't as clear in her eyes as they were in her mind.

_This time I'm not leaving without you._

Katniss became suddenly fed up. A surge of complete impatience tore through her like it used to after her father died. These bouts of nerves were something her psychiatrist - how briefly she had seen him - had drawn up to some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. "Why haven't you called me? Texted me? E-mailed me? Did all the things you said would be so easy if we were together?"

Johanna's mood, tipping on anxiousness, turned completely over to anger like a tide swallowing a rogue ship. Her cigar flew across the room and smacked into the door, smoldering on the floor as she turned her angry gaze to Katniss. "Are you fucking for real? You didn't call me, either. Nothing. You break up with me and I'm expected to send you Christmas cards?"

"You act like this was only my decision but -"

"It  _was_ only your decision. You let your life get led by someone else and I got caught in the crossfire and I have never recovered." She stepped closer to her. "Don't you think that I wish that I could get rid of you? That you weren't seeped so deeply inside me?"

_It's been two years since I let you go._

Katniss felt the tears well up in her eyes and she darted her gaze to the ground beneath them. She had meant for this to be a peaceful conversation, like they had on the boat the last time they saw each other. "You think I don't feel the same?" Johanna shrugged and Katniss felt it like a stake in her heart. "I did what I thought was right for me, for us, at the time. Truly. I want to be with you, I wanted to then and I want to now. And - and I thought living my father's dream would fill what you left but it hasn't. I haven't felt for anything, anyone, since I left you."

Johanna's gaze narrowed. "I can't say the same." Gray eyes looked up at her with a piercing gaze. "I slept with someone I really care about a few weeks after we broke up. I would say I'm sorry but I'm not. I was in a lot of pain and she helped me through it.  _Loved_  me through it."

"Who?" Katniss knew it was an unfair question but the jealousy crawling inside her made it an inevitable question to ask. She wasn't at all thinking of sending at arrow into that woman's eye socket.

"Does it matter? I couldn't love her and God, Katniss, I wanted to." Johanna turned away and crossed her arms over her chest. "I wanted to love her but I couldn't because of you. Because my heart hasn't been my own since the day you walked into my mother's store." Johanna turned on her heel and clenched her jaw tightly. "Cashmere said she wanted to ruin me and for a while, she did. I mean, I guess she succeeded. I can't be in a room with a locked door, I can't stand hearing the rain... There will be small parts of me that won't ever recover. But you..." Johanna let her voice trail off as she shook her head.

_I couldn't listen to a joke or a rock 'n' roll._

"No, go on," Katniss urged, pushing herself up off the desk and coming face to face with Johanna. "What did I do?"

Johanna looked up at her, defiant eyes full of challenge. " _You_ ruined me."

Katniss rolled her eyes with incredulity. "Oh did I? Did you not go away to the college you wanted? Play the music you wanted to play? Succeed in what you are so good at? It's not my fault you never moved on. Oh, wait, you did. You fucked someone weeks later, isn't that right? Typical fucking Johanna, hopping into bed with someone to ease her pain."

Johanna's jaw fell open. " _What_? Do you have any idea how painful sex was? I enjoyed every minute of having sex with you because I love you but it took a lot out of me after Cashmere raped me. For you to stand here and act like me making love to someone else is my way of coping is absolutely fucking ridiculous." Johanna paused and made sure her eyes were as focused as she could get them. "I had sex with her because I had feelings for her, not because of my feelings for you."

_Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart._

Katniss grabbed Johanna by her shirt as her fists trembled in anger. "Who. Was it?" she demanded through gritted teeth, ignoring the tears streaming down her face.

"You don't deserve to know," Johanna sneered. Even here, stewing in anger, Johanna was caught between wanting to slap Katniss and wanting to kiss her. She loved this stupid, angry woman and every inch of her person wanted to move forward and be in her arms again.

Katniss seemed to read her mind and her gaze softened and she let go of Johanna's shirt. She smoothed the material out with her fingers gently, slowly. "Why is this so hard between us? I'm in love with you, and you're in love with me and that should be it. Right? Isn't that what all the stories are about? What life is about? Finding someone that you can't live without?"

Johanna stroked her fingers very slowly through Katniss's hair, enjoying the sight of Katniss's eyes fluttering closed. "That's the thing. I think you're supposed to be able to live without that person. You just don't want to and you fight like hell not to. But you should be able to function." From her pocket she withdrew a small handkerchief and gave it to Katniss. These gestures, unbidden and unspoken, were the tenets of their relationship that Katniss so sorely missed.

"Well I can't, okay?" Katniss backed away and dabbed at her eyes with the cloth. The cloth smelled like Johanna and she briefly held it to her nose. "I hate college. I don't want to be there anymore. I just want to be with you. And write. I can't get any writing done because there's always deadlines and term papers and exams. Everything snowballing and I never seem to get out of the way."

_Somethin', somethin' about the chase._

"So write darlin'." Katniss smiled faintly at the familiar term. "Drop out. Write. You could live on a commune or with your aunt or something for a year and just get it all out. Because look, I want to be with you. More than I want anything in this world." She reached forward and took Katniss's hands in her own, squeezing them gently. "But I can't if you're not yourself. I fell in love with you. This wonderful girl with a gift for words and a beautiful heart. A girl who lives on her own terms. Don't you remember when I didn't want to tell everyone we were dating?"

Katniss frowned. "And I told you that you didn't get to make the decisions for both of us. And then I made a decision for both of us."

Johanna let out a small chuckle and held Katniss's hands firmly in her own. She felt lighter than air just at this small amount of physical closeness. "Yeah, well, I've always said you were brainless." Katniss gave her a sour look and Johanna continued. "But you got me through it. Look I know that... that you made a poor decision when we broke up but it ended up being somewhat beneficial. I would not be who I am, where I am, if not for you."

"You're welcome for my extremely poor actions."

Johanna smiled. "I held on to a lot of anger. I felt betrayed by you but, as it was pointed out to me, that it was probably because I knew this would be hard, too. Being with you and not able to see you, to touch you, would've been more difficult than I let on." Katniss was visibly surprised and didn't make any attempt to hide it from Johanna. "But now that you're here, that you're with me and I can feel you, God, please don't leave."

Katniss knitted her eyebrows together in confusion and tilted her head to one side. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... come to New York with me. Come live with me. I'll take care of you and you can write every day. You can write from dawn to dusk." She disregarded Katniss's hands for her face, cupping her cheeks and wiping away a few hot tears with her thumbs. "I was right, the distance was defining. But it only defined how much I need you. How much we need each other. It's fucking pathetic and stupid and I don't really give a fuck, to be honest. I'm pathetic for you, Katniss Everdeen. You big dumb asshole who broke my heart. I'll let you break it again and again, I don't care. But I won't live without you."

_I'm a New York woman born to run you down. Still want my lipstick all over your face._

That was a lot to consider. Of course her immediate thought was to accept and kiss Johanna until they were seeing stars. But practically, it didn't make any sense. She couldn't just drop out of school. What would her mother think? Gray eyes lit up. "I'll finish out this semester. And then, you'll come home this summer? And we can.. we can get back to each other." Katniss swallowed the lump in her throat as Johanna's wide, innocent eyes stared at her with unabashed hope. "And I'll figure out how to break to my mother that I'm moving to New York."

The last thing Katniss saw before Johanna's lips crashed against hers was the immediate wetness of tears in her eyes. Johanna pulled her in for a ferocious kiss that made them both stumble back and crash against the boudoir. She could feel Johanna's tears on her face as she moved her tongue along her lips, tasting the salt of them and the hint of clove from the cigar. She could hear Johanna's voice whispering "I missed you" and "I love you" over and over again against her skin as she moved her lips along her jaw and to her neck, her fingers buried deeply in her hair.

_Somethin', somethin' about just knowing when it's right._

After years of no contact this sensation was overwhelming but not unwanted. Every night Katniss had gone to bed dreaming of Johanna's lips and hands and her voice. She had hoped that somewhere, way across the country, Johanna was thinking of hers. It hadn't occurred to her that Johanna would sleep with someone else.

Johanna's teeth biting at her shoulder shook her thoughts as she groaned and held Johanna's neck as her ...girlfriend's? Ex-girlfriend's? Whatever she was, her arm went completely around Katniss's back and held her firmly against Johanna's body as she moved their lips back together, giving her a deep, soul-touching kiss as she held her close.

When she had bought the ticket to Johanna's show and taken Madge's car the six hours from Stanford to Los Angeles she didn't think she'd end up with Johanna's lipstick on her face and her scent in her nostrils. She had only wanted to see her, speak to her again. This was ...immeasurably better.

_Somethin' about baby, you and I._

* * *

Music: "What Did You Do To My Life?" by Neil Young and "You and I" by Lady Gaga.


	20. Chapter 20

When Johanna arrived back at her apartment after she returned from her show Jasmine was sitting on the couch, legs tucked underneath her, intently watching a film on their small television. The apartment wasn't much, but between the four of them they managed to get something decently sized in Manhattan without breaking their banks.

The dark-haired girl looked up from the television and smiled at her roommate. "The prodigal woman returns."

Johanna rolled her eyes and tossed her duffel bag next to the couch. She plopped down on the sofa cushions, throwing her legs over Jasmine's lap and kicking off her boots. After meeting at the audition they had become fast friends. Living together had drawn them closer in spite of their disparate personalities. Jasmine was an extremely studious bookworm with no patience for those who didn't work as hard as she did. She was an amazing ballerina and a hilariously snarky drunk, Johanna had learned. Johanna of course was able to amble through her classes on her talent and Initially she had been concerned that there had been an attraction between them but she was quickly snuffed out by two things: her heartbreak over Katniss, and Jasmine's asexuality. She simply didn't desire anyone. Johanna learned it made Jasmine's life both enviously simple but also an obnoxious source of tedium. Men and women both pursued her with equal vigor and she always had to explain she just wasn't interested.

Johanna had seen this infuriate some and confuse others. She had thought being gay was complicated but watching Jasmine, that seemed worse. Of course she took it in stride and never once complained, but Johanna had seen the look of disdain cross her features when someone would claim they could "convince her" otherwise. Johanna herself had almost knocked someone out for it.

Johanna hummed happily as Jasmine turned her attention back to the film. Finally she pressed pause on the remote and looked at her friend. "Jo, spill. You look like you're about to come apart at the seams."

Johanna tried to look as innocent as possible but she was practically about to burst. "Katniss and I made up. She's going to come and live with me here."

Jasmine raised a dark, manicured eyebrow. Johanna's tragic romance with Katniss was the subject of many a-late night talk between the two of them. From the time they were in dorms to now in their new apartment, Katniss was always a topic of discussion. She had seen photos of her that Johanna kept close to her, heard all about the way she spoke, dressed, acted, ate, the kind of lotions she used. Jasmine was certain she could pick Katniss out of a crowd of thousands simply by Johanna's verbal pictures.

She also understood that she was the reason behind the sash of pain that Johanna wore around her shoulders. Jasmine was befuddled as to how one person could lord such power over someone. Especially someone as hard-headed and independent as Johanna. But Katniss was written all over Johanna. She even cried her name in her sleep.

"The famous Katniss Everdeen! As I live and breathe. Oh my, I'll have to get out my formal dresses." Johanna pinched Jasmine in the side and the girl squealed in protest. "Oh come on! You have done nothing but pine and agonize over this girl for two years. You see her - what once? - and now all is forgiven?"

Johanna placed her hands on her stomach and laced her fingers together, musing upon that thought. Objectively, yes, this seemed quick. "There was nothing to forgive. We broke up, it isn't like she cheated on me. In fact, I don't think she's seen anyone else since we broke up." That fact brought a proud smile to Johanna's face.

Jasmine raised her eyebrow again. "And that woman who's come to see you? Who you don't think we all know you've slept with? Who you don't think I know is the one you spend nights talking to on the phone?" Jasmine looked at her smugly and Johanna averted her gaze to the ceiling. Cressida had come to visit her - four times in the last two years - and they did spend many nights talking on the phone. Cressida was her closest friend. "What happens to her?"

"What the hell do you mean, 'what happens to her?' She'll continue living her life?"

Jasmine rolled her deep brown eyes. "Do you really not see it?" Johanna gave her an annoyed, but honest shrug and Jasmine rolled her eyes once more. "Jo, that woman is definitely in love with you. You've been so shadowed by the memory of this girl who broke your heart you didn't even notice her." Jasmine hefted a sigh and looked over at her friend. "You really didn't know, did you?"

Johanna looked up, wide-eyed. It hadn't ever occurred to her that Cressida was in love with her. Well, it had crossed her mind but she knew it was no use. "Even if I had, there's nothing I would have done differently."

Jasmine snorted. "Really. Not even fucking her?" Johanna attempted to look scandalized but Jasmine was not taking any of her falsities. "Oh come on. You slept with her every time she came to visit. It's not like you were quiet. And she walked out in your shirt one morning, so you know, we all knew." Johanna frowned. How  _was_ she going to tell Cressida about Katniss? They had grown closer over the last two years, and the screenplay had been sold and was going into production soon so they'd be seeing more of each other, and if Jasmine was right... "I hope Katniss looks at you with half the love that Cressida does. If so then you should consider yourself incredibly lucky to have not one, but two people who adore you."

"There's a lot about me to adore," Johanna shot back with a grin, prompting her roommate to whack her in the face with one of the throw pillows off the couch. Johanna chuckled and placed the pillow under her head. "You're right though. I am really lucky. I've worked really hard for all this but the rest of my life? I'm the luckiest girl on the planet. But you're a close second."

Jasmine turned the television back on. "How's that?" she asked, not moving her eyes from the screen.

"Because you get to bask in the presence of the luckiest girl on the planet."

Another pillow collided with her face.

* * *

_Forever can never be long enough for me._

The city just outside Panem was brilliantly lit on the sultry May night Katniss and Johanna returned to their hometown. While Johanna had readily agreed to come home for a small amount of time, she had done so under one condition: that they have one night before they went to their separate homes. Katniss had said yes so Johanna arranged a hotel for them and took Katniss to one of her favorite restaurants - a small cafe that sat on a lake. The food was brick-oven pizzas and craft beers and the music was always some sort of stomping bluegrass but Johanna loved it.

They sat at a table just on the edge of the lake, but Johanna couldn't concentrate on the delicious pizza in front of them. Her hand was halfway across the table, laced with Katniss's and she drew small circles on her skin with her thumb. Her eyes were completely engrossed in the woman in front of her. Katniss's hair looked a shade lighter - probably from all the sun - but no less beautiful. It was down around her shoulders, curled in ringlets. She had worn a deep emerald brocade dress with floral patterns stitched into the fabric, cutting just above her knee and leaving just enough of her collarbone exposed to entertain Johanna's vision.

_To feel like I've had long enough with you._

Johanna had worn, at Katniss's request, the "stage outfit" she had become notorious for wearing: a pair of slacks, a tucked in button-down shirt, and a pair of thin suspenders. Her hair was in the faux hawk again, with about two inches on the sides of her head buzzed off entirely. Katniss met her penetrating gaze and a small blush scattered along the light freckles on her cheeks. Johanna smiled warmly.

"You haven't eaten anything, Jo," Katniss said quietly over their candle-lit table, squeezing her hand that it seemed Johanna was never going to let go of. Not that she was complaining.

Johanna shrugged. "I don't care. I'm not hungry," she replied dreamily, resting her head on her free hand. "I haven't been able to touch you or look in your eyes in so long. I don't give a fuck about the pizza."

Katniss smiled and pulled Johanna's hand to her lips, giving her knuckles a soft kiss before returning their fists to the table. "You do get a little cranky when you're hungry though."

Johanna pouted. "I do not."

_Forget the world now, we won't let them see._

Katniss rolled her eyes and ignored Johanna's protestations. She took a slice of the pizza and folded it in half, aiming it toward Johanna's mouth. "Just eat something, please?" she asked gently. Johanna let out a disgruntled sigh and leaned forward to eat a bite of the offered slice. Katniss grinned triumphantly and placed the pizza on Johanna's plate. "You should have let me get the sausage one. It looked delicious."

"I don't eat meat anymore." Katniss's gray eyes widened as she looked at Johanna.

"Why?"

Johanna raised an eyebrow. "Why does anyone? Diet, animal cruelty, etcetera." Surely the real reason, that Cressida had said that's why she tasted good, was not appropriate for their first date as a couple again. Though if the taste of herself on Cressida's lips over the past two years was any indication, she was right.

The concept seemed entirely foreign to Katniss. She had grown up hunting animals in the woods, keenly aware of the delicate balance of nature. It seemed only natural that they eat their kills. She tried not to look too obvious. "Oh. Well okay." Katniss bit into her slice of pizza, her eyes gazing back out on the lake. A few people had boats out, coasting gently through the calm waters. "This is strange. It's like we're getting to know each other all over again."

Johanna snickered softly. "I'm pretty much the same woman that you left two years ago."

"Hardly," Katniss said, returning her eyes to Johanna's. Everything about Johanna seemed different. Her look, her attitude, her composure. It was not better or worse, just different. Underneath that she knew beat the same heart she had loved from the moment she laid eyes on her. And within those deep, guileless brown hues, was the same soul she adored. "But it's okay. You're still you. Just more grown up."

"You've changed too," Johanna replied, taking another bite of pizza. "More confident. I mean, you're about to move to a new city and tell your mom that you're dating me again. I can't imagine the Katniss that I saw on that boat after Finnick's wedding doing that."

That was true. That Katniss who was so afraid of hurting the memory of her dead father was long gone. Her father wanted her to be successful, to be happy, to be loved. She was all of those things, and much more, with Johanna by her side. "Don't take this the wrong way because I've loved every second of today... But I," Katniss blushed and tugged on the bottom of her lip, "I really,  _really_  just want to kiss you."

_But now there's only one thing left to do._

Johanna looked mildly surprised but not at all in objection to Katniss's suggestion. Without a word she took out her wallet and placed a few - quite more than necessary, Katniss thought - bills on the table. She took Katniss by the hand and led her between the tables and out of the restaurant. The hotel was a short walk from where they had eaten. Johanna was glad for it, too, because this was the part of the night she had looked forward to most. Talking to Katniss was amazing, just being around her was the most content Johanna had felt in years. But kissing Katniss... that was what made the stars move.

No sooner had they gotten into the elevator did Katniss feel the coldness of the wall against her back as Johanna's lips descended upon hers. She smiled into the kiss as Johanna's intensity flowed into her, feeling both familiar and exhilarating. Her teeth gripped Johanna's lip hard and she pulled a delicious whimper from the other girl that shot a bolt of arousal straight to her stomach.

The elevator chimed and Katniss pushed Johanna out of the cabin and never lost the seize she had on her lips as they made their way toward the door of their room. Johanna's back hit the door as Katniss's lips ravaged her neck. She pulled the swipe card for the room out of her pocket, her other hand tangled in Katniss's curled locks. Her knees buckled as Katniss's tongue flicked along her pulse point.

The door fell open behind them and they went tumbling into their room. Johanna laughed and caught Katniss in her arms. "Easy there tiger." Katniss closed the door and locked it behind them. She turned and slowly stalked toward Johanna.

She smirked and rested her wrists on Johanna's shoulders, rubbing the nape of her neck with the tips of her fingers. "You look so sexy in this outfit." The sentence didn't feel finished and Johanna slowly raised her eyebrow. "But I can't fucking wait to take this off of you."

"That vice is plenty versa, baby girl." Johanna captured Katniss's lips and slid her arms around her back, rising up her spine with open palms as her back flexed beneath her touch. She pulled down the zipper on her dress moving her lips to Katniss's ear and compelling her to listen to her ragged breathing. Her fingers slipped under the material of the dress and pulled it down slowly, relishing in the slow reveal of Katniss's skin. Her eyes wandered along the newly exposed freckles and and her teeth flashed and tugged on her lip. Her initial impression of Katniss was proven correct again and again: she could inspire great works of art, moving measures of music or feats of literary excellence. She could write a symphony for every inch of Katniss's skin. "Where do you get off being so beautiful?  _Fuck_."

Katniss stepped out of her heels, as did Johanna, and leaned in for a soft kiss. Her hands ran along Johanna's arms until she got to her collar, using it to pull Johanna in closer. With their bodies flush she began deliberately undoing the buttons of Johanna's blouse, kissing the newly exposed skin with each pop. Her eyes hungrily took in the peek of Johanna's cleavage and ...a small green tattoo just left of her breast, above her heart.

_Promise me you'll always be happy by my side._

She traced the ink with her fingers and looked at Johanna. "You got a tattoo." It was a very simple crescent moon-shaped bow and a small arrow next to it.

Johanna's eyes flicked upward from Katniss's hand to her eyes. "No kidding, brainless." Johanna smirked, but her smile quickly fell. "It was... something for me to remember you by. Or.. to remind me of you. I-I wanted you to be near me always."

Katniss placed her hand over the tattoo, feeling the pounding of Johanna's heart beneath her rib cage. It was a beautiful pounding rhythm. Everything Johanna did was in beautiful rhythm. "And I will be. I am."

She hooked her thumbs underneath her suspenders and rode them upward until she was at Johanna's shoulders. Slowly she pushed one down, then the other. Her tongue danced with Johanna's in another kiss as she roughly pulled the shirt out of her pants and tugged it down her arms, tossing it on the floor. With a short gasp she realized that Johanna was not wearing a bra.

"Get. On. The bed." Katniss growled in a voice so thick with bass Johanna felt it reverberate in her heart. She couldn't help but smirk and stand there in challenge. She quirked her eyebrow and bit the inside of her cheek as Katniss stared her down with unabashed desire in her eyes. Katniss huffed a short laugh at her insolence and grabbed Johanna's chin to trap her in a kiss. Her hand slid down the column of her neck to her collarbone and shoved her backward onto the mattress, the smile now curled into a deadly smirk.

Her knees pressed on either side of Johanna's surprised form and she leaned in to kiss her as her fingers trailed down Johanna's sternum and down her stomach. She felt Johanna arch into her touch and she moaned into Johanna's mouth. She unbuttoned her pants and quickly yanked down the zipper with urgency. Katniss got off the bed briefly to shimmy Johanna's pants off of her and toss them on the floor on top of Johanna's shirt. She returned to the bed and placed both her hands on the sides of Johanna's head. Instead of kissing her she let her eyes wander along Johanna's face.

"You don't have any idea how much I adore you." Johanna's cedar eyes went wide as Katniss spoke to her, but her astonishment was more at how she was being looked at rather than her words. Katniss looked at her like she held all the secrets of the heavens in her eyes. It struck Johanna that this might be the first time she ever thought Katniss felt as deeply for her as she did. The brief moment of clarity was disrupted as Katniss grabbed her by the hair and forced her head back. She leaned down and captured Johanna's lips, holding her there and Johanna let out a small mewl of arousal into the kiss.

_I promise to sing to you when all the music dies._

She lifted Johanna's hands that were keeping her upright and threaded their fingers together. Slowly she pushed her back on to the mattress and pressed their bodies together tightly. For a moment she did not move, she simply relished in their closeness. She felt Johanna's ribs push forward as she breathed in deeply and felt the heat of her core against her own. Every tendon in her body felt taut and heat seemed to rush everywhere, crackling and inciting her insides like a wildfire.

Katniss moved her lips down Johanna's neck, making no attempt not to mark her. Johanna's hips bucked every time she bit down on her skin and she did it at regular intervals, grinning into her skin at Johanna's aroused gasps. Johanna's back arched up to meet her with every kiss, especially when she gingerly probed her nipple with her tongue and received a gasp in response. She could barely contain herself as she pulled Johanna's tiny boy shorts down her legs and pushed her thighs wide, giving the tender flesh of her inner thigh a small kiss.

She hadn't been with anyone since the last time she and Johanna were together, and as she swept her tongue along her folds and pushed inside her, she was glad for it. Nothing would ever feel as breathtaking as giving Johanna pleasure and watching her writhe and pant before succumbing to the impending orgasm. No one could replicate the way Johanna rolled her hips to meet every thrust, the throaty way she said her name, the sexy way she'd curse under her breath, or how her fingers would grip her hair or the sheets in some attempt to ground herself.

Nothing would feel as satisfying as feeling Johanna's thighs trembling as she came, tasting her sweet arousal - sweeter than she remembered but it  _had_  been a while - as her head flopped back against the pillow. She didn't want to stop; she could live between Johanna's legs and consider her life full.

Her body moved up to meet Johanna in a kiss as the girl beneath her made quick work of her bra and panties, gripping her back and forcing their naked bodies to be flush. She positioned her center on Johanna's thigh as the girl clenched her muscles and applied pressure off and on as she tasted herself on Katniss's tongue.

Johanna's hands cupped her breasts, kneading them softly and bringing one to her mouth as her other hand snaked down Katniss's abdomen. With a gentle suck on her breast Johanna swiftly moved her fingers inside Katniss, her wetness slowly moving down her hand as she rode against her lover. Johanna guided Katniss on to her back and moved on top of her, gathering the blankets and covering them both as she thrusted inside her with greater force. Katniss gripped her back tightly with her fingernails, digging red marks into the pale flesh.

Her lips came crashing down on her as she fucked her with more force than Katniss could ever remember. The slight tinge of pain pushed her arousal over the edge and she found her cry of pleasure smothered in Johanna's lips. Johanna's fingers slowly left inside her and she placed them firmly on top of her clit, rubbing small circles.

Johanna pressed their foreheads together, her lips hovering over Katniss's. "Oh God Jo, I don't think... Fuck." Katniss' protests fell on deaf ears as Johanna continued her movements against her, wholly determined to make her come once more. Katniss' breathing came in short, staccato gasps as the heat and pressure built between her thighs and Johanna's lips found their way to her shoulder where she dug in with her teeth. Her soft tongue contrasting the sharp bite, combined with the relentless stimulation between her thighs pushed her over the edge once more. She gripped the back of Johanna's neck tightly as she came, her eyes firmly squeezed closed.

Johanna placed a closed-mouth kiss against the side of her neck as she collapsed next to her. Katniss snaked her arm underneath Johanna and pulled her close, snuggling her beneath the blankets. She kissed the sweat-slicked crown of Johanna's head and hefted a contented sigh.

"I love you, you know. I never, ever stopped."

Johanna looked up at her, shifting her body so they faced each other. "I have loved you with every breath that's left my body since the day we met." She leaned up and kissed Katniss softly. "And I will until my last."

Katniss searched Johanna's eyes for a moment, finding nothing but truth within them. Her heart swelled inside her chest. "Marry me."

Johanna smirked and tugged at her bottom lip. "I know I'm a great lay but -"

"Marry me," Katniss repeated more firmly. "Really. For real.  _Come live with me and be my love, and we will all the pleasures prove_."

Johanna's eyes lit up with amusement and her eyebrow raised to her hairline. "Did you just ask me to marry you  _and_  recite Marlowe?"

Katniss swatted Johanna's arm playfully. "I did. And I mean it." She gazed into Johanna's eyes with as much intent and meaning as she could pour into just a stare. "I can't live without you. I don't want to. I want to live every moment of the rest of my life knowing that you are mine and I am yours. And ..and I know we don't have to be married for that but... I want to. I know I don't have a ring and...I'm sweaty and I smell like ..well, like you and we're naked. But this feels right."

Johanna stayed silent for a few moments out of pure shock. She remembered the first moment they kissed, how it felt like all the doors to the future had swung open. How her world had been rocked with color, bursting with life just because Katniss was within it. Brilliant brown eyes lit up and she surged forward to capture Katniss's lips again, placing her hand on her cheek. "Okay. I'll marry you, Katniss. I'll marry the shit out of you."

Katniss laughed and hugged Johanna closer to her, kissing her temple as they settled back into the bed. "' _I'll marry the shit out of you_.' You're a real romantic. Here I am reading all these articles about the enigmatic Johanna Mason who quotes great authors and poets and I get ' _I'll marry the shit out of you_.'"

Johanna chuckled and nuzzled her face into Katniss's neck, inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume and the salty tang of sweat. The moment was perfect. Katniss was perfect. "How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me. My savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running. So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes, and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans. My words rained over you, stroking you. A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body. I go so far as to think that you own the universe. I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses. I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees _."_

Katniss grinned as she traced her fingers up and down the naked length of Johanna's back. "That's more like it."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

_Marry me. Today and every day._

* * *

Johanna smiled as she drove into the town limits of Panem. It was interesting to feel the difference between Panem, a town that she had thought so large when she was smaller, grow tiny even as the roads grow wider, and New York City. The streets of New York City were so narrowed and crowded with people and cars and yet felt huge. There she felt insignificant, here she felt large.

_Well hot and heavy, pumpkin pie. Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ._

Her agreement to come home was one that she thought she'd have to wrestle with, especially considering she hadn't been back for more than a few weeks at a time in the last two years. She had seen her mother every so often and she'd spent time with Cressida but that was all. The town held no sentiment for her any longer. It was only her mother that she missed, and Cressida. Both of whom she had asked to move to New York and both of whom had declined.

But the decision was made as soon as it left Katniss's lips. Katniss had a way of making anything that seemed insurmountable seem completely possible. How  _good_ it had felt to kiss her. How  _right_  and how fitting. The last two years had been a whirlwind. Going to school was amazing; her friends, her peers, her professors, everyone was so drenched in music. Traveling the country had been eye-opening. Seeing all the different people and how music moved them, hearing them shout her name it all helped fill in the gaps inside her heart.

_There ain't nothing please me more than you._

Her future continued to widen and get brighter as the years wore on and she enjoyed it more than she thought she would. Having Katniss back in her life made it seem even more worthwhile. They needed each other. Perhaps love shouldn't be that way, so consuming and dependent. Whether it was right or not felt irrelevant. She felt happy with Katniss. She felt whole. She felt  _home_. That seemed much more important than wondering if they relied on each other too much.

Maybe in ten years these feelings would fade. But Johanna didn't want to spend another minute without Katniss in her heart. She'd take ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, months, whatever fate was willing to give her. She'd fight for every moment.

She was barely out of the car before her mother had gobbled her up into her arms and held her tightly. She rolled her eyes good-naturedly at her mother's tears that dampened the side of her neck. Her hair was styled up in the faux hawk, the red streaks going straight down the middle, leaving her neck exposed to her mother's hysterics. Polly pulled away from her daughter and cupped the sides of her face.

_Home is where I am when I'm with you._

"My baby is home. How long will you be gracing me with your presence, superstar?" Polly ribbed with a twinkle in her eye.

Johanna shrugged and looked away back toward the house. "A few weeks. Let Katniss have some time with her family before she goes with me to New York."

Polly smiled, her eyes wrinkling at the corners as she stepped back to appraise her daughter's appearance. Johanna seemed happier every time she had come back to visit, but none so happy as she looked at that moment. The distant sadness in her eyes was long gone. "Have I told you how happy I am that you two have reconciled?"

Johanna rolled her dark brown eyes. "About a million times. But I like to hear it." Johanna grinned and Polly couldn't help but grin back. Johanna retrieved her bags from her trunk and followed her mother inside, greeted by the familiar smell of home. Her mother's cooking was on the stove, some unfinished project was in the living room giving off a sawdust smell, and the scent of pine wafted through the open windows. She even had music playing. She sat down at the dinner table as her mother shuffled around the kitchen grabbing plates. "Mom?"

"Yes dear?" Polly answered without looking back, stirring the pan on the stove.

"Would you be ...open to helping Katniss convince her mother to let her move to New York?" Polly stopped stirring the sauce on the stove, turning off the gas. She hefted the spaghetti onto the two plates next to her, pouring the homemade sauce over them. She turned around and put the plate in front of her daughter, sitting down next to her and pulling her chair in.

Polly cleared her throat and placed her napkin on her lap, then her worn hands on the table. "Johanna, I think you need to understand something about Katniss's mother. Clara is not a homophobe. She's not a bigot. After you and Katniss broke up I paid her a little visit."

" _Mom_!" Johanna instantaneously replied, retroactively embarrassed.

"Oh don't 'Mom' me, you were devastated. I was certain Clara had something to do with it. She was always hinting that she thought I should think like her - that you were too young, that it was too fast. And I can't say she was entirely wrong." Johanna shot her mother a look as she slurped spaghetti into her mouth. Polly shot back a disapproving stare at her table manners. "However, I went over there and I gave her a piece of my mind."

_We laugh until we think we'll die._

Johanna twirled the pasta on her fork and shook her head in disbelief. "Well I'm sure that went well."

Polly raised her eyebrow. "Actually it did. I simply explained to her that the dreams she had for Katniss and your relationship were not mutually exclusive. Katniss could achieve her dreams and still be in your life. She told me what she must have been telling Katniss - that James had wanted her to finish school, specifically to Stanford. And I said, 'And what about after? Did he ever talk about what she would do with that education? Did he ever talk to her about love?' And let me tell you, I got her goat. She's passionate, that one."

"Runs in the family," Johanna muttered.

"Well, those in glass houses you know." Polly shrugged as she began cutting the spaghetti. "In any case, I just asked that she keep in mind that Katniss's present happiness is worth more than the past. The past and the future are just dreams. The only thing we can hold to for certain is the present." Polly stabbed at the pasta with her fork. "That gave her something to think about. But I will remind you that I'm a mother, too. I get it. Do you know how angry I was with Katniss for what she put you through? I wanted to slap that girl for breaking my little girl's heart."

" _Mother_."

"Well I did," Polly defended with an indignant sticking out of her chin. "However, since you were goin' away anyway I figured there was no real harm done. Heartbreak is only temporary. But never in a million years did I think she'd be the one going back to you. Or that she would agree to move in with you."

Johanna frowned. "You thought I'd be the one groveling?"

_Barefoot on a summer night. Never could be sweeter than with you._

Polly smiled warmly and put down her eating utensils. She took Johanna's hand and smoothed it with her own. "Sweetheart, you are so full of love. It's one of your best qualities. And you have chosen to direct all that love at Katniss and without that target, yes, I was worried you'd abandon your dreams to chase her. I was relieved when you didn't. And proud."

Johanna had to admit she had thought about it a lot. Some nights she sobbed silently into her pillow, aching full-bodily to see Katniss again. Any time her phone rattled with a text message she hoped it was her. Eventually Jasmine had gotten her out of checking her e-mails nonstop and helped her focus back on music. And the band had been a big part of her thoughts diverting away from Katniss. As her life kept expanding all she truly wanted, deep down, was for Katniss to share it with her.

And she was not going to let Mrs. Everdeen come between them again.

* * *

Katniss winced as she waited for her mother's response. She had waited a day or two after arriving home to sit her mother down at the kitchen table and lay it all out. She laid out her plan to leave school, to work on the novel she had been germinating for two years, to move to New York, and to be with Johanna. It had come out of her like a rushing river; she was never a good liar.

Her mother took all the information in with her hands wrapped around a light blue mug of hot tea. She hadn't sipped it once since they sat down, simply staring into the dark liquid with an unnerving amount of focus. Katniss attempted to be diplomatic but she didn't quite have the trait in her.

"I know you don't approve and I'm not here for your approval." Her mother's eyes flicked up to her. "I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm telling you this because as my mother you have a right to know. I am moving to New York. I'm going to be with Johanna for ...as long as she will keep me. I'm going to write. Because Dad wanted me to write. Because I want to write. He wanted me to be happy and I am happy."

Her mother stayed silent for a few more moments before taking a sip of what must be lukewarm tea by now. "Are you finished?"

Katniss was mildly offended. "Yes?"

"Okay. Katniss, when I advised you to break up with Johanna, I was doing so out of my concern for you. I could see what I hold she had over you and I didn't think it was healthy." Katniss was about to object but her mother placed her hand up. "Please let me finish." Katniss reluctantly backed off and sat back in her chair. "Your father and I, above anything else, wanted you and Primrose to be as happy as possible. I genuinely thought, and I still do to an extent, believe that you will be happier if you stay in school." She placed her hand over her daughter's and grasped it tightly. "But I want you to follow your dreams. If they're not what I thought they'd be, or what your father thought they'd be, are they wrong? No."

Katniss felt her eyes brimming with tears and she looked away from her mother's pale blue gaze toward the window in the kitchen. She remembered back to the day they moved in, the sunlight bursting through the window that had no curtains. Her mother fumbling with the broken chair that ultimately led her to Johanna's mother's shop and to her seeing Johanna for the first time. That swirling feeling of nervousness and arousal still happened whenever Johanna shot her a sultry glance, and oftentimes when she didn't.

She brought her eyes to her mother. "I asked her to marry me."

She felt a coldness as her mother's hand left her own. "You what?"

"I asked Jo to marry me and she said yes." Katniss set her voice in a tone of certainty. A tone of accusation. To dare her mother to object to her decision to marry the girl she had dreamed of every night since they had broken up.

Her mother shook her head a few times, a low screech echoing in the room as she backed the chair over the tiles. She stood up, abandoning her tea and walked toward the window. Worn hands clasped the edge of the counter, her head bowed over the sink. "You know I enjoy Johanna very much."

Katniss rose from her chair, nearly toppling the wooden furniture over in her quickness. "I am not a child. Don't posture at me. If you're going to break into one of your 'you're too young' speeches, please save us both the trouble." She moved to her mother, standing directly next to her and forcing the older woman to look at her. "I am in love with her. And she's in love with me. We make each other happy."

Her mother placed a hand on her forehead and breathed deeply. Katniss remembered from childhood her mother's reaction to stress. To breathe in deep sighs. "I don't want you to miss out on opportunities because you are blinded by love. That's all. Maybe someone else will come along, someone better suited and you won't even see him because he -"

"What?" Katniss growled the question almost under her breath, taking on a frightening intensity that made her mother stop speaking immediately. Gray eyes, ones that looked so much like her father's, swarmed with anger. "That's what this is, isn't it? Your last ditch attempt to make me realize that I'm straight?"

"Katniss that isn't what I'm saying."

"No, it is," Katniss insisted, puffing out her chest and trying to straighten her spine. This is what Johanna had been talking about - the confidence she now had. There was something very satisfying about being certain in who you are and what you want. Everything felt possible. "You're holding out some hope that I change my mind and settle down with some boy." Her eyes drifted down to the floor, bits of sadness washing into them. "My happiness is worth more than your dreams for me."

Her mother's eyes brimmed with tears when their gazes met but Katniss attempted to keep her emotions in check. "You're my daughter, all I want is your happiness."

"You want  _your_ happiness at my expense. You know what your real problem is? You think that my being with Johanna is some fault of yours. That somewhere you fucked up and people will blame you. Oh poor Mrs. Everdeen, no husband and her kid turns out to be a dyke." She dodged her mother's attempt to slap her and she grabbed her bag from the table. "There is nothing wrong with me. You and dad raised two really good daughters. If you can't see that then I just feel sorry for you." _  
_

She'd have to say good-bye to her sister another time. Being in the house with her mother was too painful, too claustrophobic. She had anticipated their talk to be hard, but hearing her mother wish she was with someone else, that she _was_ someone else, struck too deeply in her heart. Once she was outside she typed off a text to Johanna. Confusingly she gave her an address Katniss had never seen and told her to meet her there.

* * *

Katniss knocked on the door to the unfamiliar home and waited patiently on the doorstep. A few very well manicured flowers lined the home, pale blue drapes in the large bay window. Johanna's muscle car was at home in the driveway next to another muscle car that looked vaguely familiar.

When the door opened, she realized why. Cressida smiled at her. It was strange to see the teacher outside of school. She was wearing her hair up in a messy ponytail, a t-shirt with a graphic of the cover of  _The Old Man and the Sea_  on it, and a pair of hip-hugging jeans. "Katniss. How very nice to see you again. Come inside." _  
_

Katniss stepped inside the residence and gave it a cursory look around. Johanna was sitting at the piano - typically - plucking out some notes as she stared at a set of sheet music propped up. What struck Katniss most was how at home Johanna looked. This was clearly not the first time she had been here. Her jacket was thrown over the couch, her shoes discarded near the entrance.

Johanna looked over her shoulder and smiled. "Hey baby girl." The greeting comforted Katniss, untwisting a knot in her stomach she didn't know she had. She left her bag near Johanna's shoes and crossed the room to her. She placed a small kiss on Johanna's lips, then looked to Cressida.

"Would you like some wine?" she offered, picking up a dark green bottle from her coffee table and pouring it into a glass without waiting for approval. Katniss nodded and took the proffered glass, taking a long sip of the golden liquid. "Johanna was just telling me that you were having some troubles at home."

Cressida sat on her couch with her glass of wine, putting it to her lips as she waited for Katniss to answer. Johanna had come over in the morning under the assumption they'd work on some of the score, but they had chatted about her reconciling with Katniss and her proposal of marriage. While both had broken her heart just a bit, she was happy to see Johanna in a place of less pain. Unfortunately, that seemed to come at the price of Katniss's relationship with her mother.

Katniss sat next to her as Johanna kept playing the piano. All of this seemed very strange. This teacher Johanna had been close to giving her wine and offering to listen to her problems. Johanna seeming so calm and at home in this place Katniss had never seen her go or even speak about. "My mother has never approved of my relationship with Jo. And I told her about me moving to New York and us getting married and basically..." Katniss hefted a sigh. "Basically she thinks I should be straight."

Cressida laughed sadly. "I'm very sorry to hear that. From what Mason has told me your mother seems like a wonderful lady. It's a shame she can't grasp the concept that you are who you are."

"She wants me to be who  _she_ wants me to be. Not who I am." Katniss gulped down the rest of her wine, making herself another cup. When had Johanna talked about her mother to Cressida? The alcohol swam in her head as she focused on the blonde next to her. "She wants me to be happy but she fucking insists on putting a stake into the one thing that actually makes me happy."

Cressida mused on that a moment. She placed her wine glass on the table and shifted herself closer to Katniss on the couch. "I can empathize. When I came out to my parents, they disowned me. Completely. Not really out of some misguided homophobia, although that certainly played a large part, but more because they felt like they had failed as parents. They saw me as a disappointment. My success, both professionally and personally, meant little to them because I did not fit into the image they had of me. And for that, all I can say is, they missed out."

Katniss's eyes began to water. She didn't want to not see her mother anymore. She wanted her approval. In spite of everything, that's what she wanted. "I just want her to be happy for me."

"And she will be, poor girl," Cressida said, placing her hand on Katniss's thigh. "Once she realizes that your future and your success as a person is not reliant on the gender of your partner, she will come around. She will want to be in your life because your life will be very, very happy." Cressida moved her eyes to Johanna, who was busy scribbling something on the sheet music. "Johanna loves you very much."

_Comin' out of my cage and I've been doin' just fine._

Katniss continued to drink an enormous amount of wine as she and Cressida talked about their respective families. Johanna was always close to Cressida, Katniss knew. She had always been a little jealous so she never involved herself with getting to know the older woman. But as the night wore on she wished she had. She was smart and funny and an incredible listener.

An unsettling feeling began to spread inside Katniss's stomach. Something about the way Cressida was looking at Johanna. All night Katniss had noticed the blonde's eyes wander across the room. Of course her own eyes did as well, but that's because she was always drawn to Johanna.

 _Click_. "It's you."

Cressida looked over at Katniss, furrowing her eyebrows. "What's me?"

Katniss rose to her feet, feeling slightly unsteady after several glasses of wine. "You're the one she slept with."

Cressida smirked and drank down the rest of her wine, placing the empty glass on the coaster on her table. "Yes. After you had broken up with her, and after she was no longer my student. We've had a physical relationship."

Katniss looked between Johanna, who was looking a little nervous, and Cressida, who looked abnormally calm. "How can you sit here and give me life advice when you've been fucking my girlfriend?" She moved her gaze to Johanna. "And you're going to bring me here?"

Cressida stood up and smoothed out her jeans. "Miss Everdeen." Katniss brought her eyes back to Cressida, trying to will down the anger inside her. Somehow Cressida still managed to instill a little fear in her heart. "I care very deeply for Johanna. I consider her a great personal friend. Our relationship has not always been platonic, I won't deny that. I don't care to. We took care of each other in a time when we were both in great pain. It was not some sordid affair or some ploy to anger you. I'm sure you feel this is a betrayal, but it is not."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this."

Cressida rolled her eyes. "Please. Be reasonable. It was just two very close friends providing each other comfort."

"You were fucking."

"No," Cressida denied firmly. "It was more than that. It was not meant to hurt anyone, least of all you. This is why I'm telling you this. If you and Johanna are to have a life together, then know that I am, and was, a part of her life." She went to place her hand on Katniss's bicep but the girl jerked backward. By this time Johanna had stood from the piano, standing nearly in between both women. "She loves you. She always has, she always will. She doesn't love me. Not in that way."

Katniss narrowed her eyes. "But you love  _her_ , don't you? You were in love with her." It only took a flick of Cressida's eyes toward Johanna and back to Katniss to confirm it. There was a very depressing melancholy in Cressida's bright blue eyes that took Katniss by surprise. She did love Johanna but Johanna couldn't love her. Had she not been so jealous, she would have almost felt sympathy. "I don't really know what to say."

Cressida folded her arms over her chest. "I know you're probably very angry. You feel betrayed by your mother and now you feel betrayed by Johanna. But she didn't keep this from you to hurt you. It was not relevant, until recently when you two have reconciled. Which, no matter what you may think, I am very glad to see. I haven't seen Johanna this content in a very long time. Possibly ever."

Katniss's hardened gaze softened just a little as she looked at Johanna. Cressida had started teaching just after Johanna's rape, so she was probably correct in saying she hadn't ever seen Johanna truly happy. "Are you still in love with her?"

The older woman sighed, giving a glance to Johanna before looking back at Katniss. "I don't know that I was ever in love with her. I love her very much yes. I bear no desire to be a wedge in your relationship, Katniss."

Johanna, who had been silent, placed her hand on Katniss's cheek. "She's telling the truth. We had a thing, a short thing, that was just kind of ...making each other feel better. But above all that, we are friends. And I want all three of us to be able to be friends. With the movie being picked up we're probably going to be seeing a lot of each other. I don't want it to be awkward."

"And how do you suggest we do that?" Katniss asked scathingly, looking to Johanna. The shorter girl glanced warily at Cressida, who looked just as confused as Katniss. Johanna licked her lips and there was suddenly a bright wash of clarity over Cressida.

"Mason. You can't possibly be serious." Katniss felt completely disoriented as she looked between the two women. Their proximity was close and had it not been apparent all night that they had once been intimate, it would be now. The close way they stood, the familiar tone they took with one another, the way Cressida's eyes darted to Johanna's lips. Sensing Katniss's floundering Cressida aimed her intense blue gaze at her. "Johanna is suggesting we engage in a menage a trois."

"You're  _what_?" Katniss's eyes grew large and her cheeks were enflamed.

Johanna shrugged her shoulders and her eyes darted between the two women. "I'm saying... We are going to all be spending a lot of time together. Maybe things would be less awkward if there was no mystery."

Katniss was positive that had she not drank so much wine she would've walked out immediately. But the stinging combination of jealousy and alcohol was making her far less inhibited. Cressida wasn't unattractive, and certainly she wanted to know what Johanna saw in her, but ...sex? Was that necessary? Then again, what did they have to lose?

_I gotta gotta be down because I want it all._

Johanna cupped Katniss's chin and brought their lips together in a soft kiss. Johanna tasted like whiskey and the faint hint of cigar. Her stomach turned and warmed with arousal as Johanna deepened the kiss. In the back of her mind this seemed ridiculous. But her body was moving on its own, grasping Johanna by the biceps and returning the kiss.

Johanna broke free of her and they both looked to Cressida, who was unflappable. Katniss and Johanna both looked at her and Johanna's mouth moved into a sly grin at the wanton look in her eyes. With a small nod toward her girlfriend she leaned up and kissed Cressida, placing her hand on her cheek. Katniss watched for a moment, the emotions of jealousy and arousal clashing against each other like blood enemies.

When they were finished Johanna looked between them. Cressida gave Katniss a look that explained her position:  _we don't have to._ Katniss thought back to her mother, demanding she be normal. Wishing she were someone else. Somehow this act would be the ultimate defiance, even though she never would know of it. She grabbed the back of Cressida's neck and pulled her in for a kiss, threading her fingers in her curled locks of blonde hair. Cressida tasted like wine and her tongue danced with her own in what felt like an absolute battle for the upper hand. She felt her hand go around her back and grasp her hip, pulling their bodies flush together.

_It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?_

In a feat of calisthenics the trio of them managed to move into the bedroom where Katniss trapped Johanna in a kiss while Cressida pulled Johanna's shirt off of her, breaking their kiss as she tossed the material on the floor. She wrapped her arms around Johanna from behind and laced kisses along her shoulder blades, watching them over Johanna's shoulder. She pulled off her own shirt, unfastening her bra as well as Johanna's while Katniss moved her lips to Johanna's neck, suckling on the soft skin beneath her ear.

Johanna maneuvered Katniss's t-shirt over her head, undoing her front-claps bra and immediately filling her palms with the heft of Katniss's breasts. Cressida's hands snaked along Johanna's abdomen, coming up to knead her breasts in a mimicked rhythm to Johanna's. Johanna leaned back and rested her head on Cressida's shoulder as Katniss lowered her mouth to her breast, taking the swell of her nipple into her mouth.

Katniss was unsure of how this was going to work. She had no experience taking on two lovers; she had only ever been with Johanna. This probably was not the time for her to ask. Johanna took control and shoved Katniss on the bed, presumably taking revenge on Katniss for the other night when she was at her mercy. While she pressed hot, wet kisses along Katniss' abdomen Cressida undressed next to them, then began to pull down Johanna's pants as she bit down on Katniss's stomach.

Katniss flipped their positions and trapped Johanna beneath her, unbuttoning her own pants and pulling the garments down as she met Johanna in a fearsome kiss. Cressida took Katniss by the chin and kissed her straddling Johanna's thigh as she plunged her tongue into Katniss's mouth. Johanna was certain as there was soil in the earth and air in the skies that nothing had looked as erotic as the two women she craved most kissing as fiercely and hungrily as they were.

_It was only a kiss._

Cressida's lips moved to Katniss's ear and the girl groaned as she whispered something to her. Johanna raised her eyebrow in question as Katniss nodded, giving her one more closed-mouth kiss and turned her attention to Johanna. She crawled up her body, positioning her center directly over Johanna. She gazed down at her tenderly, but hungrily, stroking her fingers through her hair.

Before Johanna could lift up her head to taste her, Cressida's tongue prodded into her center and made her gasp and her hips buck. Two hands pushed her hips down solidly to the mattress as Cressida's tongue ran the length of her folds to her clit. Johanna grabbed Katniss's thighs and pulled her center down to her, flattening her tongue against Katniss's wetness and lapping at her core.

Katniss's hips rolled slowly against Johanna who seemed insistent on keeping an extremely slow pace. Every so often she'd moan in pleasure, sending reverberations through Katniss that made her thighs tremble in Johanna's hands. Her hands gripped the top of Cressida's headboard as she practically begged Johanna with her bouncing hips to fuck her. A look over her should revealed Cressida buried deeply inside Johanna, her biceps flexing as she pushed her fingers in and out of Johanna, her mouth clamped on her clit.

The image was enough to send Katniss into a shaking orgasm, coating Johanna's chin and cheeks in her arousal. Johanna looked up at Katniss, eyes squeezed shut and arms clenching the board, and with another thrust of Cressida's fingers she tumbled into her own orgasm, her hips bucking wildly against Cressida's mouth.

Cressida wiped her mouth on the back of her hand as she rose from her bent position. In a move that surprised all three of them Katniss grabbed her by the neck and pulled her into a crushing kiss. She tasted Johanna on her tongue and rolled her eyes at the eroticism of that. She couldn't even fathom jealousy at that moment; she was craving Cressida just as she was sure Johanna had done.

Cressida climbed up the length of Johanna's body, straddling her thighs and kissing her deeply. Luckily for Katniss, from her position behind them she couldn't quite see the look of adoration in Cressida's eyes or the gentle way Johanna stroked Cressida's face in the kiss. But Johanna didn't love Cressida; she just knew this would be their last embrace. There was no way Katniss would ever agree to this again. This was their goodbye.

_But it's just the price I pay._

Bright blue eyes flew open. She broke her kiss with Johanna as she felt two hands gripping her backside, and she felt Katniss's tongue deeply inside her. Over her shoulder she saw Katniss behind her, lapping at her clit with her tongue. One of her hands traveled down Cressida's thigh and as she turned her attention to Johanna, she felt her gasp into their kiss. Johanna began rocking her hips and as Cressida looked down, she saw Katniss's fingers moving in and out of Johanna like a piston.

Bringing Johanna to orgasm, and now being greeted to this, Cressida was already on the edge of coming undone as Katniss's mouth sucked hard on her core. With her lips pressed against Johanna's she muffled her moans of pleasure into their kiss. The brunette became more gentle against her, sliding her tongue against her folds until finally the sensation was gone, and Cressida collapsed almost on top of Johanna. Katniss soon flopped next to them, laying on her back and staring up at the ceiling.

_Destiny is killing me. Open up my eager eyes._

All that was sound in the room was just the panting of the three women, sticky with arousal and sweat and out of breath. Katniss suddenly felt very sober. She crawled out of the bedsheets and made her way to Cressida's bathroom. After completing her shower she returned to the bedroom to see the two women fast asleep, Cressida's arm thrown across Johanna's bare torso. Katniss didn't want to admit it, and she wouldn't to Johanna, but she didn't feel as jealous. Johanna's sexual experiment had worked. But she wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she had been right.

She snuggled in front of Johanna, who instinctively wrapped an arm around her middle and pulled her closer. She sleepily kissed Katniss's bare back through her damp hair, falling back to sleep quickly. Home is a construct. Katniss didn't feel at home in her house anymore. Somehow, home had morphed into the bed of her girlfriend's former teacher, cradled in her embrace, hearing the even breath coming from her chest.

_'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside._

* * *

Music: "Marry Me" by Train, "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, and "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers.


	21. Chapter 21

_Four Years Later_

* * *

_I have often walked down this street before._

The subway lights flickered as the car careened to the left, squealing its displeasure at the action. Katniss leaned against the door, holding Johanna around the middle of her abdomen. The sleepy black-haired girl nuzzled closer into Katniss's collarbone and tightened her grip around her middle. Hidden inside her hoodie she attempted to nap standing up against her, grasping tightly to Katniss's hand. Her fingers twirled the gold band around Katniss's fourth finger, sighing contentedly into her shoulder. They bumped together with the rocking of the train car.

Johanna and her band's tour was winding to an end. She had agreed to a three-night gig at the Barclay's Center in Brooklyn to cap it off and it had sold out within minutes of its sale. Between the popularity of her band, the immense and award-winning success of the film she has scored for Cressida, and her own solo work as a jazz artist she was very high in demand. This was the last night of her three night concert and she was exhausted. Satisfied, but exhausted.

Katniss rubbed Johanna's spine in small circles as the train car chugged along. She smiled as Johanna kissed her softly on her neck where she had, last night in a post-concert adrenaline rush, left a small bruise from her teeth and sighed sleepily. This was their home now. The subway, the lights, the crowded numbered streets and the tranquil small parks. For Katniss it was all background noise. Her home was tangled up inside Johanna. If they were together, she felt home. Her mother hadn't come to the wedding in spite of Johanna insisting Katniss invite her. Gale had given her away, Prim had been her maid of honor, and against all odds she felt whole that day. Johanna brought in Finnick as her bodyguard, Gale as her security. Effie in a role seemed made for her as her manager and Haymitch had quit his job to play with her full time. They had not left home, they had brought home to them.

_But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before._

Polly lived in Panem still to be near her store but Johanna made every effort to see her. And Polly made every effort to get Clara to come around. But as her summer birthday and winter holidays flew by, Katniss had come to terms with the mother she knew not being a part of her life. Short of a few perfunctory cards and brusque phone calls, their relationship was gone. But the years with Johanna and their new extended family of friends had made her feel a home she had not felt since her father died. There was music in their home, family around their table, and love, so much love, in their hearts.

Katniss's eyes moved to two young girls whispering to each other excitedly, casting not-so-surreptitious glances their way. Finally one girl stood up, nervously adjusting her beanie over her long brown hair.

"Um, excuse me?" Katniss poked Johanna who whined grumpily and lifted her face from her shoulder. The girl visibly brightened. "It  _is_  you! My girlfriend and I are  _such_  big fans of your work. We've got all your albums. We're on our way to your show!"

Katniss casted a wary glance toward Johanna. The last three years had seen Johanna's privacy go to nearly zero. Wherever they went, in New York or anywhere in the world, Johanna was approached by adoring fans gushing their love. At first Johanna had been combative and unappreciative, but mostly.. scared. Going from being nobody to being somebody seemingly overnight was a tough pill to swallow. She could be particularly rude when she was tired. It was truly an exercise in patience for the raven-haired girl. To her surprise Johanna smiled and looked at the other girl who was still sitting nervously on the bench. "Thank you darlin'. What're your names?"

"I'm Lara and this," she reached back and pulled her girlfriend to her feet, wrapping an arm around her waist, "is Sam." Sam looked like she was about to bolt in fright like a deer in the road. Lara's arm around her waist seemed to help relax the short-haired girl.

_All at once am I, several stories high. Knowing I'm on the street where you live._

"It's nice to meet you both. Thanks so much for coming tonight." Johanna slid her arm around Katniss's back. "This is my wife Katniss."

Katniss nodded toward the girls as her cheeks grew warm. They had been married two years now but it still sent a thrill down her spine to hear Johanna call her "wife." The two girls shared a knowing glance. "Oh we know. She's the one you wrote about. Back during your earlier stuff." Johanna nodded sagely. Lara held Sam a little tighter. "We sort of fell in love to your music. That dark stuff was really great. Not that you're not great now."

The other girl finally piped up. "I have your book!" she blurted out with a wide smile. Katniss blinked in surprise, a shy smile coming on her lips. Johanna put her nose against Katniss's temple and scrunched her face proudly. Katniss, once she was free of the yoke of school, had shacked up with Johanna in a tiny apartment in Manhattan and spent day and night writing her novel. One of Cressida's contacts in LA got her in the door at a publishing company and it had been a moderate success after its release. Better than most first time novelists. Quickly she had been scooped up by a publishing company that had given her a large advance to begin a second novel.

The train car began to shiver as it slowed into the next stop. "Well, when you girls get settled inside find a man named Gale. Tall, broody, dark hair, totally looks like a Disney prince. He's head of security. Tell him I said to set you guys up in the VIP section on the side of the stage. It's not the best for listening, but you'll pretty much be on the stage."

Their wide-eyed amazement made Johanna smile even wider. "What if he doesn't believe us?" Sam piped up nervously, dark brown eyes darting from girl to girl.

Johanna shrugged. "I'll give him your names. Lara and Sam?" They both nodded excitedly and Johanna chuckled, flashing them a winning grin that made Katniss's stomach tighten. "Okay, let's get that selfie before we all miss our stop."

_People stop and stare, they don't bother me. For there's no where else on earth that I would rather be._

* * *

Johanna's pre-show ritual was largely unchanged from when she was playing at Bogie's club. She would warm up her vocal chords, rasp her voice with whiskey, and if there was a partner around, have sex. Katniss was with Annie in another one of the dressing rooms playing with her precocious four-year-old boy, so the last part of her ritual would sadly go undone. A rhythmic knock on the door sounded in the room.

"Come in." Johanna peered in the mirror and saw Cressida walk in, a smile coming on her lips. Cressida's presence in her life, in both her and Katniss's life, had been unfailing. She had quit her job teaching to help push the screenplay forward in production, even having convinced them to shoot in New York so Johanna could be more involved.

Johanna was smug in her realization that her threesome suggestion had worked to near perfection. It not only settled any lingering awkwardness between Katniss and Cressida, it had been a flying flag for Johanna that Katniss was willing to do anything for their relationship. Not that she would have been upset if she had declined, but it was comforting to see her assert herself. Cressida's grace had saved them all.

With the success of the film Cressida had been placed under contract with Sony Pictures to write another film. She rented a studio apartment a few blocks from Katniss and Johanna and the three of them had been working on it for months. Johanna stood from her seat and walked around the leather couch that was in the center of the room, hugging the older woman tightly.

"I fucking missed you," Johanna whispered into her ear, prompting Cressida to softly kiss the side of her neck as they pulled away. Johanna smiled at the intimate familiarity. It was something she had hoped she'd never lose. "I thought you were in LA?"

"If I were in LA,  _brainless_ , do you think I'd be standing here now?" Cressida ribbed Johanna, pinching her side as she moved passed the other girl toward the couch. She flopped onto the soft leather, lifting her arms and stretching them along the supple fabric. "I wanted to see your finale. Your first two nights went very well."

Johanna nodded. The first two nights  _had_  gone well - they had been favorably reviewed, well-attended, a wonderfully rambunctious crowd. It still humbled her to take that stage and hear the crowd roar. It was no longer needed to fill the gaps in her life but it reminded her of how far she had come. Bullied, beaten, raped. That applause reminded her that she was more than a victim, more than a survivor. She was a winner. It reminded her that goodness in any form can come to those who seek it.

"And how is your Mrs. Mason this evening?" Cressida gazed up at Johanna with a bemused smirk. In spite of all that was between them, the waterfall of feelings that constantly pounded them both, Cressida had been nothing but supportive of Johanna's marriage. It had been unbearably painful for a while - the wedding itself had been a particularly harsh day of heartbreak - but seeing how blissfully happy Johanna was made her heart somewhat content. If she was not going to be the source of Johanna's happiness, she could at least enjoy to see it.

"She's fine. Getting reporters out of my way, I'm sure." Though Finnick was her bodyguard for events, Katniss had taken on that duty as well. Johanna was fairly certain it was because Katniss wanted to make sure no attractive young girls made their way passed Finnick. Not that she wanted to see anyone else, but Katniss had a latent jealous streak that Johanna secretly adored.

Cressida brought her sapphire gaze to the plush leather couch, smoothing out the fabric with her fingertips. Ever watchful, Johanna narrowed her eyes toward the blonde woman. One of Cressida's most admirable qualities was her complete and utter confidence. Johanna could sense within a few degrees of error if there was something wrong. Cressida felt the burn of her stare and looked up with a sigh. "I can't possibly lie to you, so I'll just be out with it." She placed her palms on her knees and used the leverage to push herself up into a standing position. "I'm moving back to LA. Permanently."

_I feel like if I'm too kind then you will only change your mind._

Johanna blinked several times in surprise. "But - but the screenplay."  _But me_ , Johanna wanted to say.

Cressida nodded her head. "I'll still be wanting yours and Katniss's assistance. Yours especially, for the music. But it's the 21st century and we can do these things electronically." The effort of hiding her own sadness became immeasurably more difficult as Johanna made no attempt to hide her own. Wetness pricked the corners of large brown eyes, an adorably heartbreaking mixture of indignity and sadness filled her hues like a child picked last in gym class.

"I feel like this is because of me," Johanna admitted softly. Her eyes moved up from the ground to bore into Cressida's bright blues. "Because I chose her." As if a choice could have been made. As deeply embedded Cressida was inside her heart, Katniss had always held the upper hand. Johanna had worked to force out the romantic and sexual feelings for Cressida over the last four years with varying degrees of success. They had a wonderful friendship, a fantastic creative partnership, and only on rare occasions did Johanna have to resist the urge to break her vows.

_Take advantage of my heart and I'll go back into the dark._

Johanna felt as transparent as glass when Cressida placed her hand on her face and sucked her cheeks into a smirk. "Was there ever really a choice, darling?" Cressida hoped the tremble in her hand wasn't apparent as she rubbed her thumb on the soft skin before Johanna's ear, her fingers curled around the back of her neck. "If I had thought I stood a chance, I'd have fought for it." Her eyes dropped to Johanna's collarbone where a thin gold necklace with her engagement ring hung around her neck. Cressida grasped the band between her fingers. She dragged her eyes up Johanna's throat to her gaze.

"I'm sorry," was all Johanna managed to whisper as she stood, feeling useless and heavy underneath the weight of Cressida's sadness. It had been selfish of her to think Cressida would continue to be at her emotional beck and call.

For Cressida, it had taken the last four years for her to realize that she was using Johanna as a crutch. Her life could not go forward when she was continuously looking back into their past. Grasping to some delusional hope that she fit somewhere in Johanna's life as something other than a friend. "Oh darling, please don't be. The way I see it, being here with you, and with Katniss, has been like.." Cressida's eyes moved away from her, and almost seemed to leave the room entirely. "Like watching the world's best play being performed, but knowing you were snubbed for the lead."

Johanna huffed out a small laugh as the tears began to escape her eyes. Tears the Johanna of old may have tried to smother but not any longer. There was no need for a theatrical display of her emotional detachedness with her. Cressida knew her, soul and skin. "I love you, you know."

_Love will never be forever. Feelings change just like the weather._

Cressida smiled through her tears, bringing her other hand to cradle the other side of Johanna's face. The way Johanna leaned into the contact made the breaking of her heart inside her chest even more jarringly painful. "Sweet girl, I know. And that will be enough." Cressida was trying to assure herself more than Johanna. However her habit of staying up at night and trying to distract herself from her constant heartache was tiresome. Two years into Johanna's marriage and she couldn't bear it anymore. She had to forge her own path, find her own love. "I was glad when we met that I wasn't in high school. Remember how I had said you'd have broken my teenaged heart?" Cressida shook her head sadly. "Evidently I'm the same fool at 29 that I was at 14."

She leaned down and placed a soft, closed-mouth kiss on Johanna's lips. A short, painful sob escaped her throat and bubbled through her lips into the kiss unexpectedly. Johanna pulled back and searched Cressida's face in a near panic. Johanna was unsure she had ever seen Cressida cry. Especially not this heart-breaking, high-pitched sob. It was these times when Johanna felt like a child - she didn't want Cressida to be sad and was ill-equipped to handle it. "Please don't cry."

Cressida let out a low chuckle through her tears. "I'm sorry darling. This is incredibly selfish of me to say before your show. I - I didn't anticipate this being so hard." She allowed Johanna to gently wipe the tears from her face, her eyes closing as her fingers went through her hair. "I will come back and visit. I just need some time. I thought that I could handle this, being near you, but it's apparent I have far less restraint than I think. And it's bordering on pathetically masochistic." She backed out of Johanna's embrace and clenched her fists in an attempt to calm her nerves. "I'll watch the show. I'm so, so very proud of you, Mason."

_January to December, do you want to be a member?_

_Is this how our story ends?_  ran through Johanna's mind. It was a lyric to a song she had written years prior _._ It had been intended at the time to be a song written for Katniss, for the distance between them, for the giant hole in her heart. Now it easily fit into her situation with Cressida. She often imagined what life would be like had Katniss never moved to Panem, had she never gone into her store for a hammer. Would she have stopped sleeping with Cashmere? Or continued down that destructive path? Would she have been raped? Who knows? She was certain, though, that she would've loved Cressida in that situation too. Maybe in that lifetime, they would have had a chance at something. But in this lifetime, they weren't meant to be. Her heart and soul lay elsewhere and trying to love Cressida without both hands would have been disastrous. She deserved to be loved and held by someone whose arms were meant for only her.

" _Farewell is a sweet sound of reluctance. Good-bye is short and final, a word with teeth sharp to bite through the string that ties the past to the future._ " Cressida's voice barely whispered the words toward her former student, former lover, former everything. Current friend. Confidante. Partner. Everything, but nothing she had wanted her to be.

"Steinbeck."

Cressida nodded with a small, pleased smile. "And so I say farewell, Miss Mason. We will see each other again soon. Have a wonderful show. Enjoy it. You've earned it." The knife in her gut twisted as she squeezed the top of Johanna's arm while she made her exit. Johanna's eyes followed her out, wiping beneath her lids to make sure no tears were present.

Effie popped into the doorway in a flourish of pinks and greens, a wide smile on her lips. "It's a big, big day!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands. Oblivious to Johanna's sadness she continued to smile. "Five minutes until show time!"

Johanna shook her head in agreement and waved Effie away, turning to face herself in the mirror. After tonight she would settle back into her apartment with Katniss, taking off a few months to record and write and simply live. But tonight she would be Johanna Mason. Singer. Writer. Performer. Jazz enthusiast. Grammy-award winner. Oscar-nominated composer. LGBT icon.

_Lonely hearts' club. Do you wanna be with someone like me?_

She was all of those things, and yet, felt like none of those things. But she knew she had an obligation to every girl and boy out there who had paid money to see her. Those who went home and listened to her music and felt better about their lives. The teenagers who looked to her to say that it's okay to be a fuck up. It's okay to be wholly who you are. That's why Johanna took the stage with a smile, in spite of her heart breaking inside. The lights hit her face, warming her features and causing an immediate sheen of sweat to dot her forehead. The roar of the crowd was deafening, even over the feed in her ear of her vocals and the band.

Johanna greeted the crowd and went directly into her first song - not from the predetermined list. No, tonight was going to be the songs that she felt most in her heart. The ones she wrote for Katniss, who was standing off the side of the stage with a delirious smile on her face. The ones she wrote for herself after her father's death, her tumultuous teen years, her rape. The ones she wrote for Cressida, the yin to her yang. Every pound on the piano, every stomp of her foot, every word into the microphone Johanna put her world into. This was her night. This was their night.

This was her world now. So even on the days when she felt burdened with the weight of her own insecurities and unhappiness, when she felt like none of the monikers that had been leveled to her, this world opened for her and accepted her.

And she accepted it back.

* * *

_December will be magic again. Don't miss the brightest star._

Johanna stood impatiently next to the oven as both of Finnick's children pressed their faces against the warm glass. "For the one-thousandth time, the turkey is not ready. Nor will it be ready faster if you stare at it." Her deep brown glare deflected completely off the two small children. Young Finnick, now six, smirked in the same way his father did, with the all-knowing smugness Johanna adored and detested.

"I bet that's not even a turkey," he said, crossing his skinny arms over his sweater. He gave an evil glance toward his sister. "It's probably a swan!"

The freckled, red-haired girl pouted and stared with her mother's wide blue eyes at her brother. "Liar! Auntie Jo, tell him he's a liar!" She tugged on the bottom of Johanna's red flannel shirt and the older woman rolled her eyes.

"You know he is. Now go find your dad and kick him in the shins for me." Both their faces split into grins as they took off toward the living room in search of their father. Johanna tilted her wine glass back into her mouth with a sigh when she felt a small arm wrap around her waist. She smiled into the glass as her eyes came down, meeting Cressida's. Her one hand around Johanna's waist held a wine glass, the other one of Johanna's novels from her bookshelf. "Glad to see you made yourself comfortable in my room. With my books."

_Kiss under the mistletoe. I want to hear you laugh._

Cressida grinned and took her arm away, drinking some of the wine. "It's a Christmas story!" Cressida exclaimed. Johanna eyed the cover with suspicion, revealing the gold lettering of  _A Christmas Story_ by Charlies Dickens. Her eyes traveled up to Cressida's face. Her mouth formed a tiny 'o' shape. "What? It's set in Christmas. I thought I'd read it to the little ones." She gestured into the living room toward Finnick and Annie's kids.

Johanna cocked an eyebrow. "I don't think the kids wanna hear a story about how terrible life gets as you grow up." Johanna peered around Cressida. "Where's this storied girlfriend I practically bribed you to bring?"

Cressida rolled her eyes but a faint blush scattered on her cheeks. Johanna  _insisted_  on being difficult. Still. One would think it would have been a phase she'd have grown out of, but no. The aforementioned girl appeared at Cressida's side, smiling. She was a gorgeous redhead with deep amber eyes and a high, lilting voice. Johanna's mouth went dry as she recognized her as the actress they had cast to play the lead in their second film. "Sophie, darling, this is Johanna Mason."

_Oh, dropping down my parachute. The white city, she is so beautiful._

The girl smiled shyly and held out her hand. "We've met briefly before, haven't we?" Johanna nodded and shook her hand. "Briefly, before the film began."

"Cress was determined to keep you away from me." Cressida's blush deepened but her girlfriend either didn't notice, or didn't care. She instead placed her hand on the small of Cressida's back. Johanna smirked and wet her lips. "Now I can see why."

As the girl's pale skin flushed Cressida shot Johanna a glare and whacked her novel into her chest. "Here's your book, Mason." Katniss emerged from another room, flush skin from alcohol and a lazy smile on her face. Cressida brought her eyes to her and grinned. "Katniss. How are you? Merry Christmas!"

Katniss eyed them all warily and motioned her drink. "Was my Jo being difficult? You all have the face. The face of when I have to swoop in because in ten seconds Jo has managed to partially offend or shock at least three-quarters of everyone without arm's length."

Johanna pouted indignantly and Katniss placed her drink on the counter behind her, choosing instead to wrap her arms around Johanna from the side. "I did no such thing. I was just wondering why it took nearly two years for us to finally meet Cressida's girlfriend." Johanna ignored the feeling that she hadn't wanted to meet her.

"Oh that's all?" Katniss asked sarcastically, placing a kiss on Johanna's temple and moving her hair from her face. "Just not at all minding your own business?" Katniss turned to the girl and extended her hand. "Katniss Mason. It's nice to finally put a face to the wonderful stories Cressida has been telling us about you. And a recognizable face as well."

_Upon the black-shoot icicled rooves._

Sophie ducked her head and blushed. "Thank you. It's nice to meet you both. Cressida has told me so much about you two. She says you were all very close." Johanna spit her drink back into her glass, placing her hand to her lips to try and feign a cough. Katniss used her hand that was behind Johanna's back to pinch her hard above her butt through her jeans.

"You could say that," Johanna replied slyly. Katniss pinched her again and Johanna made a face toward her wife, scrunching her nose in mock anger. Katniss's glare made her face soften and she returned her attention to the couple. "It really is nice to meet you. You've made this old broad very happy."

"Did you just call me an old broad?" Cressida asked, raising an eyebrow toward Johanna. Johanna didn't even flinch and Cressida pursed her lips. The beginning guitar strains of "Jingle Bell Rock" began to play in the living room and Finnick and Annie's kids were urging everyone to come and dance. Cressida looked into the room, filled with people, then back to Johanna. "Saved by the jingle bell."

Cressida led her girlfriend into the next room, sliding her arms around her waist and moving them together in a dance. Katniss moved around to Johanna's front, pinning her back against the stove of their kitchen. Their home was filled with their family and their friends, save for her mother. After her mother had declined to come to their wedding, Katniss had severed ties with her. Primrose had gotten accepted to a college in New York, but even with her, Katniss's family was incomplete. The holidays illuminated that feeling in nauseating red and green.

_Oh see how I fall. Like the snow._

Johanna could feel the soft pull of Katniss falling into melancholy and she lifted Katniss's chin that was resting on her chest. "Thinking about your mom?" Johanna asked softly as she followed Katniss's gaze toward Prim who was dancing with Finnick. Katniss nodded. "I wish she'd come around. It's important that you hold on to what little family you have."

Katniss's lips quirked up in a little half-smile as she rested her cheek against Johanna's chest again. She heard the rhythmic thump of Johanna's heart in her rib cage, soothing her into relaxation. "Family is not just blood. Family is love." She looked up into Johanna's eyes. "You and I, Jo, we made this. We made this family." They both looked out into the living room at all their dancing friends and family. People they had grown to love and cherish as if they shared a bloodline. "They say you don't choose your family, but I think you do. And I think the family you choose is sometimes better than the family you carry inside you." Katniss sighed, nuzzling into Johanna's embrace. "That's how I see my life story, anyway."

_Oh I'm coming to cover up the lovers. I'm coming up to sparkle the dark up._

Johanna snickered softly and held around Katniss tighter as the red and green Christmas lights flickered off their friends, off Cressida who was slow-dancing with her girlfriend and gave her a small wave over her Sophie's shoulder. "Every great story has a plot twist." Johanna still couldn't bear a thunderstorm. She still triple-checked the locks on the doors. Sometimes she couldn't be touched, avoiding intimacy and sex with her faraway gaze until she finally came back to Katniss, shuddering and vulnerable, needing to be rebuilt. Katniss checked her phone every time it rang to see if it was her mother. She still held a guilt in her heart that instead of a Stanford degree, she had a best-selling novel under her belt. There is always a bit of brokenness in everyone. There is much beauty in brokenness, if you can find someone who sees it.

"Even when you don't want it," Katniss mumbled.

She returned her eyes to her wife. "But not everyone gets a happy ending."

Katniss gazed her gray eyes into Johanna's brown ones, pressing a soft kiss against her lips. "You're right. The happy endings you have to earn."

* * *

Music: "On The Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady, "Lonely Hearts' Club" by Marina and the Diamonds, and "December Will Be Magic Again" by Kate Bush.


End file.
